by Mj Fields
“I was gonna tell you this last night but…”
“Just tell me now,” I felt kind of sick to my stomach.
“I went back to your old apartment and got your belongings. Then I headed up to Red Hook. The lady who owns the house was a friend of your parents, she actually tried to gain custody of you, well that’s what her son said. I guess they were your neighbors when you were younger.”
He stopped and looked at me, “She was behind on taxes when she passed away. Her son Mitch was trying to figure out how to save it and pay the medical bills and well, she passed away a month ago.”
“How do you know all this?” I know I sounded angry but I didn’t mean too.
“Lucky I guess, we went into the town office and asked about it.”
“Why?”
“The bedroom Tara, your bedroom.”
He gave me a few minutes to digest it all and then continued.
“Real long story short-- Mrs. McGregor wanted to keep it for you. Apparently you and Mitch were friends and you spent time at each other’s houses. She and your mom were close. Tara your bedroom was pretty damn clean compared to the rest of the place. There was a chest of some sort that held photos, lots of photos and a few other things. That’s what Bella is talking about. I brought them back, I thought maybe you’d like to see them, see your memories.”
I didn’t want to, “I appreciate it Cyrus, but I don’t want to.”
“Not now, no-- and I understand. But someday maybe,” he was holding my hand, rubbing my hand. I was angry with him but I knew it was stupid, I knew it was my own insecurities, “Talk to me Birdie.”
I swallowed back pending tears, “What if the memories I see are not what I have held onto, dreamt of for fifteen years? When I have those dreams it makes the next day better. I don’t want to give that up.”
“Okay, I get that you’re not ready, I really do. I do have something else to tell you though.”
I nodded, I couldn’t talk.
“As I said the house was behind on taxes. Mitch has a family and couldn’t afford to keep it so you Tara, are the proud owner of your family home. Paper work should have been filed today.”
“How is that possible? I don’t have money—Cyrus what did you do?”
“Look it was real cheap, and twenty acres of land, wooded land comes with it. You can log it, probably pay for college or to fix up the house, it has strong bones, Birdie. It can be your home if that’s something you want. If not-- sell it. But it wasn’t like I had time to talk this over with anyone. He was gonna sell to a developer, meeting scheduled for the next day. I just threw him a bone, a little more than what the developer was asking and he took it. He was pretty damn relieved that you would be the one to have it. Said it was his Mom’s wish.”
I sat for a minute without talking. I was grateful for everything he had done. I truly was, but I had all my life felt that I owed people, I owed so many people for taking care of me. It wasn’t a good feeling either. But right now he was sick because of me, and his family was in crisis and I wanted to be alone but I couldn’t because I owed each and every one of them.
“Tara, look it was cheap…”
“How much?”
“Don’t worry about it, no big…”
“Cyrus, to me it’s a real big deal alright. For all my life I have been someone’s problem. I can excuse away the foster families who put up with me…”
“Listen-- I met every one of those families less than a week ago.”
“What? Why?”
“I made you a promise Birdie, I don’t break a promise. You don’t owe them shit, okay? They all said how wonderful you were. They said you had never given them an ounce of trouble and did more than your share around the homes of the people who were paid to take care of you Tara. You don’t owe them shit do you understand?”
Cyrus was masking his anger and I was doing the same.
“They were good to me.”
“How could they not be Tara?”
I wanted to be alone, just for five minutes but how do you ask for that from a man like him. A man who risked so much to take care of you. A man I knew I was falling for. A man who in the heat of last night told me he was falling in love with me. A man who didn’t remember he had said those words to a girl like me, who desperately wanted them to be real.
“I will never be angry at any of them. They all had reasons for the choices they made Cyrus. Your mother said the same things to me yesterday. We all do what we have to do. So please don’t be angry at them.”
“I was real fucking angry at them. For a few days I was angry at them. But yeah I get it. They kept you safe so no Tara I can’t stay angry. What made me angry, what fucking tears at me is that when you were in trouble-- you had nowhere to go. No one to fall back into. Not angry Tara, fucking crushed for you…”
“Don’t pity me Cyrus, I won’t have that.”
“It’s not pity, Birdie.” He stopped himself from continuing and we stared at each other for a long uncomfortable moment.
“How much?”
He raised his eyebrow giving me that look that probably intimidated most people, but not me. Not after everything I had been through with him, “I’m not afraid of you.”
His expression softened and he smirked, “Cracking the inner badass.”
I couldn’t help my hands from grabbing his face and I tried my best to give him back a threatening look, “And I’m finding my own inner bitch, so again, how much.”
“Twenty seven grand was the asking, I gave him forty.”
“Push over,” I smiled and he pulled me against him.
“You tell anyone, and I’ll kick your little ass.”
“I’m going to pay you back for everything.”
“Nah, pay it forward Birdie.”
“It’s a lot of money. How do you have that kind of money lying around? You must do a lot of tattoos.”
“That’s just for fun Birdie, I have a real job too.”
“Are you going to be in trouble for missing so much time?”
“Nope, I’m good.”
“Yes you are.”
He grabbed my shoulders and held me away from him and looked at me in mock shock, “You flirting with me Birdie?”
I shook my head no and smiled.
“Friends don’t do that shit, girl,” Cyrus kissed the top of my head and then looked at the scarf and let out a sigh, “Or that. You gotta keep me in check now that you’re a bad ass Birdie.”
“Sure, I’ll try.”
The door opened and Bell popped her head in, she giggled, “Oops… sorry-- but I gotta pee.”
She was so cute, so sweet. It was so strange to me that after all the loss she had suffered she looked completely at ease, “You’re a beautiful little girl.”
She smiled and then laughed, “I’m gonna pee my pants.”
Cyrus laughed and finally let go of me, “We wouldn’t want that now would we? Alright Birdie—Tara and I will give you some privacy.”
I was putting the couch back together when Cyrus’s phone rang. He looked at it and took in a deep breath, “What’s up Jase?”
He left the room and Bella came out, “You gonna look at the pictures and stuff?”
She seemed excited and I didn’t want to tell her no but I couldn’t do it, not yet, “I’m not brave enough to do it yet, Bella. It’s been fifteen years.”
She looked at me thoughtfully and then Cyrus came back in the room, “Hey Little Bell, your Dad wants to talk to you.”
He looked at me and I saw pain. I sat down and she plopped down next to me.
“Hey Daddy…okay…can you please tell her I love her,” her eyes, my God-- her eyes were so full of hurt. “No Daddy I’m not brave enough to do that…Please don’t make me…I’ll consider it…okay…no, I want you and Momma Carly and Momma Joe to stay with her…I don’t want her to be afraid and if you’re all there she won’t be…okay Daddy…I’ll try…I love you too.”
She handed Cyrus back the pho
ne and wrapped her little arms around me and her body shook. I held her tightly as Cyrus watched and listened to Jase on the other end.
“Nah, she’s good… We’re good… We’ll take care of it… Sorry about all this Jase… Love you bro…see you then.”
Cyrus hung up the phone and squatted down in front of Bella and I, “You know, I can take you.” She shook her head no and closed her eyes, “Look at me Little Bell. You are the bravest girl I know. You can do this. I will be there, Dad will be there, Zandor can be there too, we’re family…”
“I’m a girl, I don’t always have to be brave, right Tara?”
Right then and there I knew what I had done. I had told her I wasn’t brave and that made her fear something she had not before.
“Sure, but is it because I said I wasn’t brave?” she shrugged. “You know, there has never been a night when I didn’t wish, right before I fell asleep that I could say goodnight to my parents one more time.”
Her eyes saddened and she leaned further into me, “I don’t wanna say goodbye.”
“No, I’m sure you don’t,” God this hurt. “There’s lots of things people don’t want to do every day and many times it’s out of fear Bella, and it holds us back. I’m sure you’re one of the bravest girls in the whole world and I’m sure whatever you decide will be just fine. But maybe you could try, just try to think about what would be good about seeing her again.”
“If I try, will you?”
“Sure Bella.” I held her close and rubbed her back.
I looked up and Cyrus smiled. He looked tired, so tired. I reached out to feel his head.
“I’m good Tara, you good?”
“Yes,” I looked down at the little angel in my arms.
“You good Bella?”
“I’m good. Can we look at your stuff in the Jeep?”
“Little Bell, when she’s ready okay, we don’t push.”
I let out a deep breath and Zandor walked out, “How about you and I go get some sleep Little Bell?”
“I want to be brave for Tara.”
I looked down at her smiling face and there was no way I could tell her no. I couldn’t expect something from a child that I couldn’t do for myself, “Okay. But promise if I do this you’ll at least try tomorrow okay?”
She smiled and shook her head yes. She looked at Cyrus, “Go, get on it.”
Cyrus and Zandor both walked outside and I snuggled that little girl tight. I couldn’t tell her how scared I was. I couldn’t tell her that I was so afraid that my memories where what kept me going and I couldn’t tell her that if I was wrong. If they were all imagined I was going to fall apart. And I couldn’t do that, not in front of her or anyone else.
Gloves Off
“This is a bad fucking idea,” I looked at Zandor and he shrugged, “No bro, you don’t get it. She might wig out and then what.”
“She’s doing this for Bella, a kid, I’m sure she can keep it in check.”
“No Z-- I don’t know if she’ll be able to, and then what?”
“Look, you keep looking at her like she’s some weak needy pile. She’s not, that girl is fucking tough, Cyrus.”
Okay now that pissed me off, “You don’t know her!”
“I know women C, she’s strong.”
“I know women too Z, and she isn’t,” I snapped at him, the cocky fuck!
“You wear blinders with that one…”
“What’s that supposed to mean!?”
“Listen, you feel like shit today, you’re moody as fuck and you’re taking it out on me. She’ll be fine. When she’s done and Bella is ready to go to bed then you pick her up and get her through it, that’s what you want to be for her, so fucking be it.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!”
“Listen, this isn’t my deal it’s yours-- but from the outside it kind of looks like you love the girl.”
I sure as hell wasn’t gonna confirm his suspicions, fuck I wasn’t going to deny them either but truth is, none of it mattered. “Not gonna happen Bro.”
When we walked in she was trying to mask the anxiety I could see all over her, I never intended to put her through this shit.
“Tara, give me a minute,” I set the box down and walked into the kitchen.
She walked out and looked at me, her green eyes were all fucking glassy, “It’s gonna hurt. But there’s nothing but love in there Birdie, okay.” She shook her head yes, “I should lie and say I didn’t look through everything, cause saying it out loud makes me should like a nosey bitch but I did. Your childhood was a dream Tara Gardner. They loved you and if you believe half the shit Bell and I do about angels you’ve got two sittin’ up there who have been watching you for years.”
She closed her eyes tight and shook her head no. One little tears fell and it was like a flood over my heart. “Look, you have friends Tara, friends who want what’s best for you. Not fake little fucks like Tony, but the real deal. As annoying as Carly can be to me, that girl liked you from the get go,” I wiped her tear. “Even when she thought Jase had played with your titties Tara, she could see the good in you. She could tell you were worth taking a chance on letting into her little circle of people. None of us will let you fall. We got your back now, and trust me some days you’re gonna wake up and be pissed off that they smother you but today, right now, while you thumb through those memories, Little Bell present or not-- you let us hold you up, you fall into us.” I really meant me but again I couldn’t do that to her—ever.
She took a deep breath and pursed her lips as she blew it out slow, “Okay, let’s do this.”
She smiled and rolled her neck like a fighter would as the bell rang and I laughed, “You ready to fight the unknown, Birdie?”
She smiled, “I am.”
I put my fists up and she laughed and did the same touching hers to mine, “That’s the way you do it girl.”
I hung my arm over her shoulder and we walked in, Zandor gave me a look and I really hope he felt the daggers I was shooting at him.
“I’m gonna head to the store and grab some breakfast food. What do you feel like cooking for me in the morning Tara?” And he was back, cocky fuck. Thank God cause this deep shit was for the birds—or for the Birdie.
“Whatever you want is fine,” she said eyeing the boxes.
I looked at Zandor knowing where his head was at and a smirk crept up his lip and he turned and left. Good thing too cause if he ever thought about her that way again I was gonna fucking choke him.
“Come on,” Bell took her hand and pulled her down in front of the three boxes I had brought.
“Start here alright?” I pulled the biggest one in front of her, “In order.” I pulled out the pile of photo albums.
Bella climbed on her lap, thank God she was small for her age cause Birdie was certainly little.
Bella took the book out of my hand, “Bella, maybe she wants to…”
“She’s fine Cyrus, really.” She looked over Bella’s shoulder as she opened the page to her pink baby book.
“You were only five pounds and ten OZ’s. What on earth are OZ’s?”
Tara laughed, “Ounces.”
“You were little. Oh and your birthday is in like three days! We have to have a party!”
Bella was so excited.
Tara smiled as she watched over her shoulder, it was almost like she was hiding behind her. I couldn’t help myself from moving over closer to her. She leaned against me and damn if it didn’t feel good. Not like raging hard on good either, just good. Man I was a dick even thinking about raging hard on's!
We went through the first book in record speed. I wasn’t sure she had a chance to digest it all, but I wasn’t really sure it’s what she wanted to do right now, and I couldn’t fucking ask her either, not in front of Bella, see damn it, women were trouble!
Bella started grabbing for another book, “Look at the covers Bell, they have numbers. Let’s do this in order.”
The next book was full of
pictures of her and family, tons with her Dad which wasn’t unusual, “Mom’s barely make appearances in these kinds of things, they’re always holding the camera.”
She smiled and quickly looked back. Lots of firsts, no different than the books on our shelves at home. First holidays and Birthdays and vacations. Tara’s family seemed to be at a beach, but it was a lake.
When we got to book four, there were photos of her at Disney, “You went to Disney!”
Tara got a little teary eyed, “I guess I did.”
We spent a little over an hour going through the books and then when Bella was yawning and about to pounce on the box of letters and other photos I found I stepped in. Tara must have been exhausted and I was, too.
“Hey Bella it’s a lifetime of stuff in here. Let’s get some sleep and after we go to the hospital tomorrow to see your Grandma Charlotte and if Tara feels up to it, and if she wants to share she can okay?”
“You trying to trick me into going?”
“A deals a deal, Little Bell,” Zandor walked in and pulled her up, “Let’s get some sleep. Tara I hope you don’t mind but I borrowed a night shirt for Bella to wear.”
Bella laughed when Zandor held up the silky emerald green pajama top.
Tara did too, “That would be fine.”
Zandor glanced at me trying to hold back a smile, knowing damn well that shit pissed me off.
Bella hugged Tara, “You did a good job. See-- you’re brave.”
Tara hugged her back, “So are you, Miss Bell.”
Bella jumped on me and kissed me on the lips and laughed.
“Bell what the hell…I mean, what was that for?”
“If I get sick, I don’t have to go. If it takes a couple days for the germs to invade, I get to miss a few days of school and hang out with you guys,” Tara laughed at her and she ran up the stairs.
“She is such a sweet kid,” Tara started to stand up and I pulled her back down, a little more forcefully than I planned and she fell on my lap.
“Sorry that wasn’t planned, but well—you wanna talk?”
“No I really would like to go upstairs take a bath and sleep. I have two days before I start my new job and I would…oh God that was a lot,” she covered her face and her shoulders shook.
