by Annie Stone
And it doesn’t even have to be serious injuries like that. Just the intense strain pro football puts on your body can cause trouble after you finish your career. No, Devon didn’t want that. Not for Ava, and not for his family. But who knows? Maybe the Georgetown Hoyas can actually win some games with him on their side.
He’s a smart man. Smarter than me. Because I’m fully aware that I’m walking into a ridiculously dangerous career. And I’m doing it anyway.
“Hey, man! Great to hear from you,” Devon calls down the phone.
“How are you doing?” I ask, grinning. I forgot how good it is to talk to him.
“Great, man, can’t complain.” I can hear a female voice in the background, and Devon says, “It’s Hunter.”
Rustling, ruffling…and then: “Hunter, you bastard! Why didn’t you call us? I didn’t think you’d survived boot camp!”
Ava.
I grin. She’s definitely my second-favorite girl. “I’ve missed you, too, Mother Hen!”
“I’m definitely a mother hen when I’m worrying about you, asshole!”
“Ava, Ava!” I clucked my tongue. “What kind of language is that?”
“Exactly the kind you deserve!”
I hesitate. She sounds so serious. “Did you really think something had happened to me?”
She snorts. “You’re such an idiot! Of course not. Mac kept me up to date.”
Huh? “But Mac didn’t know, either.”
“You’re family to her. You and Carey. Did you really think she wouldn’t make sure she knew how you were doing? If so, then you’re an even bigger idiot than I thought.”
Love floods my heart. Mac had said she stalked me, but I thought it was a joke. But she actually had. The realization feels good.
“Okay, now we want to hear it from your side,” Ava says. “What’s it like playing soldiers?”
I tell them all about boot camp, about Killian and Joey, about all the stuff I had to go through, the fight between body and mind. I don’t tell them I finished top of the class, because I don’t think it matters.
And that makes me realize that the past twelve weeks have brought about a fundamental change in me. My individual success no longer matters much. It’s more important that I passed along with my friends. The team is more important than the individual. Maybe our DI’s irritating methods weren’t all that wrong after all.
“Get your ass to Washington soon, and give us a call!” Ava says. “And I promise, if you don’t, you’ll live to regret it.” I hear Devon laughing at her threatening tone.
“Dude, help me out here!” I call down the line.
“You started it,” Devon shouts. “Defend yourself, soldier!”
Ava laughs. “It’s cute how you two seem to think being five-foot-two and weighing 110 pounds I’d be able to beat a giant.”
“That’s because we know what you’re capable of,” Devon says, then I can hear kissing sounds.
“Okay, I’m out of here. You two do what you want. But use a condom.” I can hear them laughing as I hang up. Crazy people. The best kind.
Talking to them makes things feel easier and harder at the same time. Easier because I really like them. Harder because I want what they have… And I will never, ever have it. Why does love have to be so complicated? I mean, even with them, it was complicated in the beginning. They went through some difficult times, but at least they got a happy ending. Or a happy beginning, more like. Because they’re going to spend a lot more time together.
While I… Well, if it really is impossible to fall out of love with someone, then I’m damned for all eternity. Damned to love someone who doesn’t love me back. Will it ever stop? Will my feelings at least grow weaker?
I don’t know. But at the moment, I feel like my longing for Mac—and if you ever tell her I used the word “longing,” I’m going to kill you—is getting stronger every day. Fuck. I’m finished.
4
Mackenzie
I’m walking through Pacific Beach Shopping Center when I suddenly see a blond head of hair that looks very familiar.
“Brittany!” I call out, walking toward her.
“Hey,” she says, eying me hesitantly.
“It’s been ages. I’ve tried to call you a million times! Is everything okay?”
She nods haltingly. “Yeah, umm…”
“What did I do? Did I say something wrong?” My eyes well up with tears. “I was so worried about you! I’ve been so busy, back and forth between work and home. What did I do?”
“Nothing, honey, you’ve done nothing. I did.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
She looks contrite before suggesting we go for some coffee.
“What happened?” I repeat.
She looks embarrassed as she whispers, “Hunter.”
“What about him? Did something happen to him?” I ask, alarmed even though I know it’s ridiculous that she might know something about him that I haven’t heard.
“No idea, Mac. I haven’t seen or heard from him in six months. Let me tell you the story, okay?” I nod. “As you know, I was a little bit obsessed with him.”
“I remember, yeah.”
“Well, on his birthday, I ran into him. It wasn’t planned or anything like that. When he told me he was a legal adult now, I came onto him.”
“You what?” I ask, appalled.
“Yeah, not one of my proudest moments. Anyway, I took him home with me.”
My stomach turns. “You slept with Hunter?”
Brittany slept with Hunter. I can’t believe it.
“I’m sorry, I have to go,” I say, already moving away from her.
I can hear her calling after me, but I don’t stop. She slept with Hunter. Carter’s son. Oh my God! How am I supposed to explain this to him? He’s going to hate me for introducing her to him.
Back in the car—which I sprinted to—I rest my forehead on the steering wheel. How could she sleep with an impressionable young kid? Did she break his heart? I know what Brittany’s like. She fucks them and chucks them. God, I never wanted this for Hunter! Why didn’t he tell me?
I know, I know. Why would he tell me about his sex life, right? Like I’d want to know. He’d never tell me anything like that, and it’s definitely better that way. But I wish I could have been there for him if it was difficult for him.
Did she break his heart, or had he used her as much as she used him? I don’t think he was in love with Liza, and I remember him telling me the girls were crazy about him. Maybe it was just sex for him, too. Just because I can’t do that kind of thing doesn’t mean other people can’t.
Maybe it has something to do with my past, but I can’t have sex with someone if I don’t have feelings for him. Or maybe I could, but I wouldn’t want to. I wouldn’t want to sleep with a man I don’t love. And I never have. I was in love with everybody I’ve ever slept with. Of course, Carter’s only the third man I’ve slept with. I mean, since I left my past behind me, that is.
I drive up to Rage Mountain and sit down in the dust. I’ve been up here more in the past three months than ever before. Things haven’t exactly been easy.
Should I tell Carter about his son and my friend? Or not? Would it change anything for him? Would his feelings toward me change? I don’t know.
But one thing I do know now: I cannot be friends with Brittany anymore. Not because she slept with Hunter, but because we obviously have different values. She’s been a good friend for a certain phase of my life, but now that I’m changing, now that I’m growing into my life more, she can no longer be a part of it. We haven’t seen each other in six months, and obviously, she didn’t miss me. She never tried to call or anything. So I’m not sure how else I should read this situation. I guess our time as friends is over.
It makes me sad that, as this thought crosses my mind, I feel relieved. Maybe Brittany just wasn’t really my sort of person after all. I lean back and stare up at the cloudless sky, letting the sun shine on my face. I love
the warmth, the feeling that the sunbeams are caressing me.
I wonder how Hunter is spending his time off. Or how he has spent it—the ten days are almost over. Next time, I hope he’ll come home. How can I fix things between Carter and him? They used to have such a good relationship.
But, if I’m being honest, I know I can’t do anything about it. If they don’t want things to change, I can’t help them. I’ll keep encouraging Carey to get in touch with him, and we’ll see if that does anything. Hunter can be pretty stubborn.
Carey’s going back to school soon. It’ll probably be strange for him to go to school without Hunter. He just has to be in touch with his brother.
My thoughts wander from one subject to the next, but most of them are about Carey and Hunter. I think about how much has happened in one year. A year ago, I never thought I would end up loving those boys so much. They truly have become family for me. And Carter is wrong. Families are not just connected by DNA. Families are made of love and trust. Hunter and Carey are family to me. Forever. Even if it’s not always easy.
After pulling into our driveway, I look for my phone. Without reading any, I delete all messages from Brittany and move on to deleting her number. Maybe my reaction is too harsh, but Hunter means a lot to me. And the idea of her hurting him is just too much.
When I step into the house, Carter surprises me by being home early. He’s been spending more and more time in New York, and sometimes I wonder if he’s having an affair with some woman there. But then, every time he’s here with me, he’s sweet and caring and nice. Even if jealousy is eating him up inside. Or maybe because of it.
“Hey,” I say, wrapping my arms around him from behind, pressing my face against the back of his head.
“Hey, sweetie,” he says gently, stroking my arms.
I walk around the couch and sit on his lap. “This is a nice surprise.”
He kisses me on the lips and pulls me into his arms. Hmmm, yes, I love being held by him. I love feeling so safe. I raise my head and press my lips to his again. Memories of a different kiss float up. With a different man.
Hunter.
I shake my head slightly, trying to chase the thought away. But as much as I want to forget about it, every little detail of that kiss keeps coming back to me, haunting me. Because even if I don’t want to admit it…even though I want to deny it….want to turn back time and make it undone…
That kiss was the best kiss of my life.
But I don’t have feelings for him. I have feelings for his father. His father.
Carter is a good kisser. But he has never kissed me like Hunter. So hungrily, so passionately, so focused on my pleasure rather than his own. Hunter’s kiss was selfless. Absolutely selfless. Of course, it stopped being selfless down the road, but the kiss itself was—yes. It was only for me.
I try to shake it off. I don’t want to think about it. It’s not fair to Carter for me to be thinking of another man while kissing him. Still, although I’m not proud of it, I have to admit this is not the first time I’ve thought of the son while kissing the father. I mean, it’s not that I think of Hunter—but of that kiss. I know it’s impossible, but in my head, I’m separating the two. One thing is Hunter, my quasi-stepson. The other thing is that kiss that still makes me weak in the knees four months later. Makes my breath quicken. My heart throb. Never mind what it’s doing to my pussy.
Back to the here and now, I yell a command in my head to stop my train of thought, but I don’t stand a chance. My body is sending me signals that are turning me on, arousing me, making me feel ecstatic. And those feelings are only partly related to the man whose lap I’m sitting on. I keep telling myself they have nothing to do with another man, either. Only with that kiss…
“Wow, sweetie,” Carter murmurs. “You’ve really missed me.”
I nod and smile at him. “Oh yeah.”
And it’s true. But then something tugs at the corners of my memory.
“Carter…”
“Yes?”
“I know it’s none of my business…”
“Not a good conversation starter. If you think it’s none of your business, it’s probably none of your business.” A moment ago, he was all laid-back. Now, his whole body is tense. Great, Mackenzie Hall. Good job.
“You love Hunter.”
“Mackenzie…” He says it like every time I try to broach the subject.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but…you love him. And you’re suffering. And I know he is, too.” Carter squints and frowns. Danger! “You’re his father,” I say gently. “Don’t you want to talk to him? Congratulate him for making it through boot camp with flying colors? He finished first in his class.”
“Of course, he finished first.” Carter says it quietly and somewhat sadly, regret tinging his voice. What does he regret? Kicking his son out? Or something else?
“You love him, Carter. He’s your son.”
“Yes, thanks for stating the obvious.” But his tone is not as reproachful as his words. He wants his son. He’s a good father.
“You miss him.”
He doesn’t look at me, looking only at his hands. “Yes, damn it. Yes, I miss him, Mac. But…can I just stand there and watch him throw his life away? Can I stand by and watch? No. Maybe he’ll think better of it.”
Once again, we’re entering dangerous territory… Maybe I should stay out of it. But I can’t. “It’s his life, Carter. I know you love him and you want to protect him. But you can only do that up to a certain point.”
“Don’t you—”
“Listen to me! Please listen to me!” After a moment, he nods, and I continue. During our conversation, I’ve slid off his lap. “I know you think you know better than him, but you need to let your kids make their own mistakes.”
“Of course, Mackenzie, and if he had decided to travel the world for a year or go to community college or whatever, everything would have been great. But he’s playing with war! Do you know what that means? He might get killed out there. I can’t stand by and watch him do that. It’s impossible. Whether I want to be or not, I’m responsible for my son!” He’s almost yelling by the time he finishes.
“But what’s the alternative?” I ask. “Now he’s going to war, and he’s lost his family. Do you think that’s going to make him want to take fewer risks? Do you really believe that? If he has nothing left to look forward to?”
Carter stands and restlessly paces the room. “For God’s sake. Are you with him on this? Come on, Mackenzie, don’t tell me you support his stupid decision!”
I swallow. “I support his right to live his own life.” I get up, too, even though I don’t know what to do after that.
Carter comes toward me and holds my upper arms. “He’s still a kid!”
“He’s eighteen. He is no longer a kid. I know you still see the baby that used to fit in the palms of your hands, but he’s a grown man now.”
Snorting, Carter releases me. “You obviously have no trouble seeing him as a man…”
“What does that mean?” I snap.
Carter shakes his head. “What was that kiss about?”
For a moment, I’m speechless. How does he know about our kiss? Nervous, I shrug.
“That goodbye kiss. When he kissed you on the mouth right here in this room in front of Carey and me.” His voice is angry.
This is the typical course our conversations tend to take recently. I ask him to make up with his son, and he ends up having a jealous fit. God, why did Hunter do that? Why did he have to kiss me in front of his father?
“We’ve been through this before.”
“Just explain it to me again, please.” But his words are not as nice as they sound.
“Carter…”
“Tell me!”
“I love you and nobody else, Carter! Please believe me.”
He runs his hand through his hair and looks at me, sad and angry at the same time. “I can’t…”
“What have I done to earn your
distrust?” I have to hold back my tears.
“Nothing. You haven’t done anything. It’s just that…” He pauses and swallows. “I just get the feeling something weird is going on.”
“But—”
He raises both hands. “I know it’s not fair, but I can’t help it. I’m jealous, yes. You’ve never given me reason to be—at least almost never—but I am.” I know he’s alluding to my confession about the kiss. He doesn’t know about Hunter, but I told him about the kiss, the first kiss at least. Not the passionate one, before he left. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything…
“I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”
“Yes, I know. And I forgive you for it. I just can’t forget about it.”
I sit back down, kneading my fingers together. A tell-tale sign of my internal turmoil.
“What can I do to prove to you that I love you? Only you?”
He stands with his back to me, looking out the big window. His body is stiff, tense.
“Actually,” he says, quietly, after a while. “You shouldn’t have to prove it to me.”
And he’s right. He should trust me.
I realize that, once again, a conversation about getting the family back together has turned into a conversation about the very foundation of our relationship. I wonder how many times you can shake a building before the mortar starts to crumble. I love him. To me, that’s an unshakable fact.
But I guess in every relationship one person is more in love than the other, right? The question is, which is which in our relationship? Do I love him more than he loves me?
5
Hunter
After spending ten days on a surreal Southern estate, Killian and I head back to base. For Marine Combat Training. It’s compulsory for everybody who’s not entering the School of Infantry. Sometimes I wonder why I’m making things so difficult for myself. What is this nagging inside me that won’t allow me to rest, keeps making me push myself? It’s not that I want fame and honor, even though those things are definitely not bad to have. It’s more of a desire to just…be better. To become a better version of myself. Not for others, but for myself.
