by Hart, Alana
“Can you both stop fighting?” he wailed, looking at Hollis and then me. “I don’t want to see you go to jail. I don’t want to see you go to jail either!”
Hollis grabbed his son and picked him up. “Nobody’s going to jail buddy. Your mom and I are just fighting. It’s normal. It happens.” I volunteered to speak with the officers in private while Hollis consoled Jordan.
Once we were outside, the interrogation started. “Is everything okay, ma’am?” One officer asked. I nodded, explaining that we’d simply had an argument that got out of control.
The officer shined his light on me, and paused at my neck. “Has this altercation gotten physical in any way?”
I denied that it had. As angry as I was, I still couldn’t put Hollis behind bars, and leave Jordan unattended. When the office questioned the bruises around my neck, I came up with some lame excuse. The look on his face said he obviously didn’t believe me, however, he couldn’t do anything but accept my answer at this point.
“Look officer, my husband and I have just been fighting lately. A lot, quite actually. This argument started because I’m leaving for a while. I made a decision to give him space, and I started packing my things. He didn’t like the idea of me leaving.”
I gestured toward the Kia. “In the morning I’ll be finishing my packing, heading to my last day of work, and then taking a vacation. I’m just going to visit my family for a while to let our situation cool off.”
“Are you taking your son with you?” The officer said. “You know school starts next week.”
“I’m quite aware,” I nodded in affirmation. “He’s going to stay here with his father.”
“Ma’am, are you positively sure you’re okay? Do you feel safe? Has he threatened you in any way? Has he put his hands on you in any way?” The officer’s concern started to make me queasy. I hoped to God he wouldn’t notice me getting dizzy again, but before I knew it, I started throwing up on the sidewalk.
I sat down on the ground and started crying. I didn’t know why I was so sick and dizzy all of a sudden. I just knew that my head was pounding and this was all too much to take in.
Chapter 16: Natalia
Friday and Saturday passed, but achingly slow. I convinced the officers that I was just anxious and upset, but when I woke up at 10 AM the next morning with my head throbbing, I knew I’d sustained a concussion from the altercation.
I met Kelli for lunch at her apartment. There, I told her the rundown of what happened.
After they escorted me to the door, they asked Hollis to step outside. Jordan’s arms were locked around his neck. He started screaming hysterically when he Hollis tried to put him down. “Don’t take my daddy to jail!” Both officers promised not to arrest Hollis. They didn’t have a choice; that was the only way Jordan would calm down.
“Jordan, it’s past your bedtime. You have to get ready for tomorrow. Go back to sleep.”
“No, mom,” he sniffled. “I want to wait until dads back in the house.” There was so much anxiousness in his expression. He sat on the couch, curled up in his pajamas, and leaned against the armrest to wait for Hollis to come back.
I was in seething pain from the bang that was growing by the minute. I started to kiss him on his forehead, but then I remembered my breath reeked of puke, and decided to start my shower instead. I grabbed my cell phone and text Kelli. We had another fight – this time the cops came.
I did my best to relax, but no amount of that Relaxing aromatherapy body wash I’d purchased from Bath and Body Works could soothe me. I scrubbed and scrubbed, and thanked God that Hollis didn’t crack my skull open. I wanted to tell the truth about what happened, but I feared worse would happen if I spoke up as opposed to let him be.
After drying off, and getting dressed, I went to check on Jordan. He was asleep on the couch, albeit while defiantly sitting up. I peeked outside and Hollis seemed to be involved in a tense conversation with the officers. It was almost 3 AM, and I needed to sleep. I had to clock in at 11 and I had less than 7 hours to get it together.
After making an executive decision not to deal with Hollis’s shit for the rest of the night, I took a clean issue of his uniform and placed it on his chair, along with his pillows. I locked him out of the bedroom in case he thought he’d smother me in my sleep.
***
Kelli sighed when I told her the whole story the next day. She didn’t understand why I allowed this behavior to continue, but I couldn’t give her a decent reason. Hollis was anything but loveable right now, and his behavior was dangerous and reckless. But I decided after my shift ended, I would leave almost immediately, without waiting until Sunday.
“But what about the clothing and the house?” She asked. “Are you all packed and ready to go?”
“No,” I replied. “But look at me. I can’t take any more of this. Do you know how much aspirin I needed to take this morning?”
“He slammed your head against a wall, Natalia. You’ve probably got a concussion. Let’s go to the hospital first. I don’t want anything happening when you’re on the road.”
I denied my need for medical attention at first, but Kelli persisted, threatening to turn Hollis in if I didn’t. I’m glad I listened because, as it turned out, she was right. Hollis did give me a concussion. The doctor recommended I stay off my feet for several days, and warned against heavy activities.
“I have a trip I’m taking this weekend,” I said. “I’m driving.”
“You’ll have to cancel those plans,” he replied firmly. “The sooner you rest, the more quickly you’ll recover.”
“Don’t worry,” Kelli said. “I’ll stay with you, and talk to Kristophe about Jordan and Hollis.” She gave me a look that let me know I didn’t have a choice in the matter.
I sighed in defeat. Once again, my own life was beyond my control.
Part II
“When you think your life is falling apart, it's usually falling together in disguise.”
― Charlotte Eriksson
Chapter 17: Rose
It’d been over a month since Ellis had left, and I was just now getting a sense of normalcy in our routine. At first, I clung to my need to have him speak with me every day. If I didn’t hear from him, I’d freak out, sending ridiculous messages until he responded. Having Natalia here changed that.
Natalia had become a welcome guest in my home over the past few weeks that she’s been here. She arrived a week after Labor Day, just before the summer heat transitioned into a Texas fall, when the weather was not as scorching. Seeing the leaves transform from lush green to orange, and the café signs market pumpkin lattes and apple ciders were clear signs the seasons shifted.
Upon arrival, Natalia got settled in the office, which I propped a new air mattress in, and unpacked quietly. I insisted on her bringing in everything from the car, because I didn’t want her to feel like she was some unwelcome stranger in my house. She was family – she’d been in Ellis’ life so long she was literally like a blood sister.
She slept for one and a half days after she finally completed bringing in her luggage. I couldn’t tell if it was the two-day drive that exhausted her, or the stress from her separation. Regardless, I was happy to have her in my home, and more than willing to provide shelter and a listening ear as she figured out her next steps.
I hadn’t spoken to Hollis, but I didn’t feel the need to. Unlike Ellis, who wanted to know both sides, seeing Natalia up close and personal was enough for me. The woman had papers from the doctor. They confirmed she’d gotten a concussion from her altercation with Hollis. They also were the cherry on top of a domestic abuse sundae, because I could still see faint remnants of the bruises left from his fingers around her neck.
“Why didn’t you bring Jordan?” I asked, eyeing the bruises. “He could have started school here.”
“Jordan wanted to come, but I didn’t want to pull him away from his environment until I knew what I planned to do,” she explained. “Besides, to be quite honest with y
ou, Jordan’s safer there than I ever will be. Hollis would never lay a hand on Jordan like he did me. Even when he showed violence toward me, Jordan was always safe from his wrath.”
“Why would going back even be an option at this point?” I feared the answers, but I continued to ask. “This man has put his hands on you three times, without an ounce of remorse. The more you’re around him, the more violent he becomes. And this doesn’t even begin to touch his infidelity.”
Battle weary and exhausted, Natalia’s head sunk into her hands. She sighed, exasperated by the obvious truth of what I said. “It’s not that easy. I have a child. I have a marriage. I have a job.”
I decided not to push the issue. I knew there were several factors at stake, including the idea of time wasted by letting go of a twenty-year relationship.
Natalia was given keys to the apartment, as well as a gate for the two-car garage. She’d be alright, but she needed to get out, explore, breathe, and see where things were for her before making any hasty decisions. All I could do was provide the environment and give her peaceful refuge.
Chapter 18: Natalia
I never bothered speaking to Hollis when I left. Our interactions had become so violent, Kelli and I finished packing my truck and I stayed with her before hitting the road.
Jordan stayed with me. He enjoyed spending extra time with Karter, and Kelli’s festive mood made it seem like a big party for him. Hollis stopped by to check on him. He and Kristophe would spend time outside Kelli and I’s presence.
Kelli, thank goodness, agreed to be Jordan’s guardian. She’d have the power to access our home, pick Jordan up from school, take him to the doctor, and care for him like her own child. I breathed a sigh of relief when the paperwork was filed because I didn’t want to leave him simply in the hands of Hollis.
Though initially terrifying, the two-day road trip was peaceful. I released so much stress driving. My solo trip was an opportunity to catch up on audiobooks I hadn’t finished in so long. Rachel Vincent’s Menagerie was amazing. I was moved by the way she plotted the world through a dark lens of magical realism, using this story to highlight human darkness and impiety in the treatment of others. I adored masterful modern writing; it was something I couldn’t get enough of.
Once I finished Menagerie, I moved on to Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard. Another novel set in an ethereal alternate reality, the story highlights the classic class struggles between the haves and the have-nots. In this world, the elite were silver-blooded humans with supernatural abilities, and their servant class was comprised of red-blooded humans lacking any reverent powers.
Of course, I checked in with Kelli and Jordan whenever I stopped to rest. Kelli ensured I didn’t drive too long or too far, and she insisted I collect keychains and mugs for her and Jordan in every state I traveled to on my trip.
“I don’t care if it’s just California, Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas! We want keychains and mugs!” Jordan chimed in next to her, saying, “Yeah mom! What Ms. Kelli says?”
I placed the mugs, keychains, and the few other knickknacks I’d picked up in a special box I left on Natalia’s counter. I had to admit, she had a gorgeous home. I’d never really been to Dallas, but the city seemed nice. I looked forward to unwinding here.
While Natalia was at work, I’d spend my days listening to audiobooks while laying in bed. When I couldn’t take anymore laying around, I’d get up and find something to clean. It was a tough task, because Rose kept a pretty spotless home, however, after a week, I realized cooking is where I’d best contribute.
Rose hardly had time to cook outside just a few times per week, but she had groceries in her fridge to die for. Both fridge and freezer sections were stocked with all types of curated marinades, produce, seafood, grains, and dry goods. I hadn’t been able to cook in a while, but I picked up my love of the art again as time passed. It was amazing to cook without limitations, or having to wonder if there was any convincing my sometimes finicky pizza-loving son to try something new.
Cooking reminded me of the days I’d experiment in Mrs. Houston’s kitchen on the weekends. Hollis and Ellis’s mother, Mary, enjoyed letting me come over and cook family meals. It was a small price to pay for being able to eat at her house almost every night.
Spending every evening at her house, eating meals with Hollis’s family, was exactly how I’d gotten to build such a close relationship with her. I’d say we’re still close to this day, but I wasn’t ready to discuss any of the current issues I’d been facing with Hollis. Not so much because she didn’t need to know, but honestly, I didn’t know how she’d take this information, or if it was worth even sharing. How do you tell your mother-in-law, a woman who’d been there for you when your mother wasn’t, that her son was breaking every conceivable vow he’d taken?
In my eyes, you just couldn’t. It felt impossible. If everything fell apart now, I’d surely be alone and alienated, not simply from Mrs. Houston, but from the only family I’d come to have over the past twenty years of my life.
***
Natalia and I would go for walks almost every evening when she came home. We’d walk around the upscale area surrounding her home, work up an appetite, and come home for a gourmet meal, then a shower.
We didn’t really talk then, just simply took in the scenery. It wasn’t unusual for her to take a phone call from her mother, who often checked in on her and the wedding plans. Ellis wasn’t due back until February, but Rose spared no moment in preparing for the big day. It was sweet to observe, seeing as I never got the opportunity to plan my wedding. Hollis and I kept it simple. After heading to the courthouse, we held a small ceremony at his family’s chapel, and then enjoyed a small reception.
With the exception of my mother and her fiancé of the month, nobody from my family showed up. Only three of my girlfriends came. Even though my mother was dead, and none of those friends were in my life anymore, I wanted to hold a ceremony where Hollis and I could renew our vows. It was my opportunity to have the wedding I never did. But I knew that wasn’t going to happen, so I indulged in watching Rose blissfully plan hers. I couldn’t wait until the big day. I knew it would be an affair to remember.
***
Rose did an excellent job hosting me. Every day I stayed at the house, I rediscovered parts of myself that I forgot existed: Natalia the Cook, the Lover, the Book Reader, the Traveler, and the aspiring Writer. All these multifaceted portions, they all came to the surface and reunited with me in Dallas.
I realized there were so many things I wanted to accomplish, but being stored up inside Twenty-nine Palms had taken that away from me. And speaking of Twenty-nine Palms, I missed Jordan and Kelli terribly, but it was time to say goodbye. I realized how stagnant I was there, and figured perhaps this was what I needed to gain space and my sense of self back – because, if I had lost this much of myself, of course my husband would fall out of love with me. There was nothing to love but a robot in a wifely routine.
Time apart, unfortunately, hadn’t done much for my marriage. Hollis remained hostile. He never reached out to me once during the time I’d left, but he was tagged in several pictures with Presley. Nothing stood out about these photos to the naked eye, but deep down, my gut twisted every time I’d see them together. There was this subtle glow between the two of them, pictured together holding beers, and horsing around, and that glow could only come from love. Kristophe continued to maintain his innocence in knowing about any extramarital affairs Hollis was having, but come on! How could you be around two men who were screwing each other and not realize something was going on?
I cried my fair share of nights after speaking on the phone with Jordan. Every time we spoke, he told me how much he really wanted me to come home. He missed being able to spend time with me. I promised him I’d be home in a week, and that we’d go out when I returned.
“For pizza and ice cream?” He bargained. Knowing Hollis, Jordan ate Spaghetti-Os every night and Cheerios every morning. He was nowhere near a cook
and deferred those duties to me.
“Pizza and ice cream,” I promised, smiling to him on Facetime.
The night before I left for California, Rose clapped her hands with joy when I told her I decided it was time to move back to Texas.
“That’s awesome!” She squealed. “You can help me with the wedding!”
“Well, not so fast,” I said. “This won’t be immediate. I have to square things away back on base. I have to inform my job, and give them 30 days’ notice. Then I have to get all my things sold or placed in storage.”
“And you have to get with your lawyer, and file for divorce,” Rose chimed in. Her statement was more of an inquiry. She looked in my eyes, seeking an answer to her unspoken questions.
I drew in a deep breath, filling my belly with the question, and mindfully exhaling – the way she’d taught me to do in order to quell anxiety – so I could articulate my answer in the most truthful way possible.
“I don’t know about that yet.” The bruises, even though they’d healed, were fresh in my mind. And there were times I still touched the spot on the back of my head where Hollis slammed me against the wall. He was still indignant, uncooperative, and seemingly careless without me. But I was still his wife. I still loved him, and I still had high hopes of us reconciling and completing our family with the little girl I always wanted. I knew living together was no longer healthy for us, but I was not convinced it was time to pull the plug on our relationship.
Rose didn’t seem to like my answer, but she nodded nonetheless. She was a strong and aggressive, passionate woman, but she was also understanding and empathetic. That’s why it was so easy to talk to her about this.
