by Richard Cox
“Sophia is some online person I met. She isn’t real. How—”
“Baby, you have it mixed up. You were married to me. Gloria Knudson. We met after college and were married for ten years. But you…you could never let Sophia go. Even after she married Jack and had the twins, you kept her in your life. I tried to understand. I loved you so much, and even though I knew you cared for her, you were always so sweet to me. You treated me so well. I was willing to accept that life, because even though it wasn’t perfect, it was good enough. I just never knew how unhappy you really were.”
“What do you mean I was unhappy?”
“You only optioned the one screenplay. That really ate at you. But the real problem was Sophia. Do you remember the bar? The banjo? The music you played?”
“Of course I do.”
“Baby, it never happened.”
My neck hurts. I feel like I’m going to throw up.
“The reason Sophia’s parents came to visit that weekend was because she got engaged. Jack asked her to marry him while you were still learning to play.”
My hands have begun to shake. Gloria is crying.
“You made all this up, this world you’re in right now. You wrote a Dynamic Film where Sophia really did leave you for Jack, but you tried to fit it into your existing life. You tried to make me her, Thomas, but you got confused. You see me but you remember her.”
“Gloria—”
“Do you know how much that hurts? I loved you, baby. I chose you among all other men in the world…and it turned out you didn’t want me. You only wanted her.”
I open my mouth but nothing comes out. I want to apologize. I want to kill myself. I never got the chance to sing? Gloria (Sophia?) never saw her father play on stage with me? How could I have hurt my wife like this? This woman who doesn’t look or feel like my wife?
“I am so sorry, Gloria. I don’t know what to say.”
“There’s nothing you can say, Thomas. The person I’m talking to didn’t hurt me. You’re in this machine, and you have no idea what you did.”
My hands shake so badly that I finally shove them into my pockets.
“Anyway,” she says. “I’m not here to hurt you back. I’m here to help you.”
I look down at the floor. I can’t bear to look in her eyes.
“Help me how?”
“The doctors asked me to do this because they thought it would be easier for you. They think there is a way to get you out of the machine safely. The first time they tried, you went into convulsions. They were going to sedate you, but I told them not to. I told them to hook you back up, and it worked. How would sedation be any better than this?”
“How many times have I gone through? How many times has the game reset?”
“Over a thousand.”
My blood is ice. My veins are glaciers.
“The doctors think they can make it work this time, but there’s no guarantee you would be the same as you were. You’re a very rich man in the real world, Thomas. You have a lot of resources at your disposal. But there’s no guarantee you could lead a normal life. The doctors say you will be prone to hallucinations and you might develop something like paranoid schizophrenia. In fact they think you may have already been sick before you went into the game, which is why things have gone so wrong.”
“I was crazy before I ever hooked myself up?”
“Not crazy. Just sick. It’s okay to be sick, baby. It’s okay to hurt sometimes.”
The way she’s looking at me, with such compassion even considering what I did to her, how I abandoned her, hurts my heart. It makes me hate myself. It makes me want to die.
“What about you, Gloria? How are you? In the real world?”
“I’m okay. We were having problems for a while, Thomas. Way before you and Dick started the company. We were separated when you started the company. We were going through a divorce when you plugged in and never came out.”
“And—”
“I’ve met someone, if that’s what you’re asking. But it’s for the best, Thomas. I’m sorry.”
“Gloria, I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to keep saying that. I know you are. This isn’t about me. I know that. It’s about her.”
I look away from her again. It hurts so much to know what I’ve done to her, but it hurts just as much to know that I’ve lost Sophia. That I never even had her in the first place.
“I invited Sophia to join me,” Gloria says. “I thought it might help you. She wanted to, but she was also worried about being hooked up to the machine. Dick and the technicians tried to convince her it was safe, but in the end she declined. She says ‘hi’ and wishes you well. She and Jack have four children now.”
I’m not here. This isn’t happening.
“So,” I eventually say, “I can leave the game and take drugs and maybe hallucinate, or I can stay in the game and definitely hallucinate. On an endless loop.”
“No, Thomas. There is a very good chance you would recover. Your Ant Farm game, believe it or not, has led to advancements in brain research. There’s no guarantee, that’s all. There is a chance something could go wrong.”
I don’t like either of those choices, but what can I do about it? Apparently nothing.
“There is another option,” Gloria says.
“There is?”
“You are in version 3.1 of the game. There have been several code updates and releases since you first hooked up. In this version, the secondary characters somehow retain vague memories from previous instances of the game. They have become more self-aware than they were originally designed. They have been developing a way to stop the game from resetting itself. That’s why Runciter and the FBI and everyone are after you.”
“Can’t it be reset in some other way?”
“Maybe, but that probably wouldn’t stop them from remembering. Does it ever happen to you? These memories?”
“I think maybe it does. I don’t know.”
“I hired someone to write you a new story. He’s a famous screenwriter. He’s a fan of Philip K. Dick’s work, like many people are. Your game has changed the world, Thomas. I can’t say if it’s better or worse, but it is definitely different.”
“What is my new story?”
“The one you always wanted. Where you and Sophia live happily ever after.”
Gloria is crying again. I reach for her and this time she doesn’t resist. I put my arms around her body. Her shaking body. I don’t know how to be with her. I want to love her, to make her pain go away, but I can’t. I don’t even know her.
And then I have a thought, a crazy thought. Maybe I’m being paranoid. Maybe I always have been.
“Can I ask you a question, Gloria?”
“Sure.”
“Is my name Thomas Phillips in the real world?”
“Yes, of course.”
“And my partner is Dick Stanton?”
“Yes. Why?”
“Well, isn’t that sort of a coincidence? Our names being Phillips and Dick? Even Thomas, since he was Philip K. Dick’s fictional alter ego?”
“It’s part of how you had the idea,” Gloria says. “Your names are what brought you to his work. It’s why your stories so closely follow his. You even told me once, when you were high on Ambien, that you believed you really might be Philip K. Dick. That’s part of the reason we think you might have been sick even before you hooked up to the game.”
“But your name really is Gloria, right?”
She pulls away and looks up at me.
“Baby, yes. Why are you asking me this?”
“Well, I can understand why all the characters here in the game have these names.”
“Yes?”
“But why do we? If we’re from the real world?”
“Thomas,” she says. “It’s just a coincidence. I just told you.”
“Is it?”
“Thomas, not everyone in the real world has a name related to Philip K. Dick. I promise you th
at.”
“But there isn’t any way to know, is there?”
“Know what?”
“What I’m saying, Gloria, is how do you know yours is the real world? The one out there where you came from?”
“Oh, baby, come on. Until you made this game, there was never any doubt about which world is real.”
“For Philip K. Dick there was.”
“But he was sick.”
“Sick like I am sick?”
She just looks at me, visibly uncomfortable. I could ask her more questions, but I don’t. It wouldn’t be fair. I pull her close to me again. She presses her face against my chest. I stroke her hair and kiss the top of her head. I think about what to do, what choice to make.
But I suppose there is only one choice.
“Did you really have someone write me a new story?”
“Yes, I did. I still love you, baby. But I’ve moved on, I’ve had to. After this, whatever you decide to do, I don’t think I will be able to see you again.”
“I want to thank you,” I tell her. “I want to thank you for saving me.”
Her eyes are glassy and little rivers of tears run out of them.
“You’re welcome.”
I touch her hand. Her fingers. Her slender fingers.
“There’s no guarantee I would be normal in the real world,” I tell her. “And anyway I made it impossible for you to love me. I betrayed you.”
“It’s okay, Thomas. It’s okay if you want to be with her. You can’t pick who you love in this world, and unfortunately you can’t force someone else to love you back.”
She lets go of me then. Looks at me. Waiting.
“I would like to be with her.”
“Okay,” Gloria says. She looks at me for a moment longer and then walks away. She closes the bedroom door, and I am alone.
There’s no way to know if our world is real. Maybe none of them are.
But in any world, when you find love, you don’t let it go.
RESET
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