by Sandy Nadeau
She gulped, a sob slipped out, and then she melted into his arms, her head against his chest.
He kept his mouth shut and just held her as she cried. How he wanted to hold her forever. He brushed her hair behind her ear then held her cheek in the palm of his hand. Dare he speak? “You have incredible memories of a great man and an especially great father. That is a huge blessing.” Dampness reached his skin through his shirt.
The words of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 came into his head. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
She sniffed.
“You have a Father in heaven who loves you just as much.”
“I just don’t understand why God took him away.” She pushed away.
Their eyes met, hers searching his for answers.
“I don’t know why it happened, Ronnie, but God didn’t do it. The fire and smoke caused your dad’s death. Not God. We can’t confuse God with life. Stuff happens because of events. Consequences.”
“He still could have saved him. You could have saved him.”
He suddenly understood why people claimed their hearts stopped when faced with shock. He couldn’t move or speak. His helplessness rose to the surface, chewing him up from the inside out. Would he ever come to terms with his inability to do anything to save the man?
She really did blame him. Deep down. The pain in her eyes spoke volumes.
How would he ever reach past that pain to have her love him again? And more importantly, forgive him. “Ronnie…I’m sorry. I couldn’t do anything. You know policy. I tried to go after them, but they ordered me back.”
“But couldn’t you have defied the order to save my dad?”
“I didn’t know what else to do. I hadn’t had enough training at that point.” He wanted her to understand. “He took off his mask to save John. If I’d gone in…he couldn’t save both of us. Others would have had to risk their lives to go in after all three of us.”
“I didn’t mean to say that.”
Pain splintered his own heart. She blamed him. All these years, she’d blamed him. “I wanted to go in. I really did. If I could have changed it, I would have.” His voice was husky with the shards of grief.
“I do get that. I do. I just wish he could have been saved.”
“Yeah, me, too.” He took her hand. “We can never understand why these bad things happen. We have to trust God. God can give you the strength to get through it. It’s hard to lose someone you love, but God gained him. Your dad knew Jesus. You’ll see him again. God wants you to find peace in that. God is your true Father. It may not feel like it, but He knows what’s best. He loves you.”
“It’s just so hard to comprehend, Steve. Do you know what I’m saying? I really like you, I do. Deep down I love what you did here. I love how you wanted to make up for what my dad used to do. And it’s beautiful. The flowers and the card…” Ronnie stepped away and looked around the room. “I’m trying so hard to accept losing Dad. To understand God and why He allowed it. I don’t like where I’ve been with God. I need to heal. I need a lot of help. You were the only one around when he died, and you’re the only one around now who has any understanding of what I’m going through. It’s too hard to talk to Mom about. I guess what I’m saying Steve, is…I need you to help me.”
He had to proceed slowly, but he couldn’t hide his feelings. Somehow she had to know the depth of his love for her and how he wanted years to let it grow. “You know I’m here for you. For whatever and however much you want or need. Ronnie, I love you. Very much. I have for so long. I want to help you find peace, but mostly…I just want to be with you.”
That beautiful, albeit trembling, smile finally returned.
He longed to hear the words back from her.
She took his hand and led him to the couch again.
14
Saturday mornings were usually reserved for training exercises for the fire department personnel. Steve enjoyed the maneuvers, and after such a special time with Ronnie, he felt lighter, happier, more motivated. Today they were doing mock car accidents.
The sun turned the snow from overnight into a slushy mix on the pavement, rapidly turning to puddles. The temps were just right with all the gear they wore.
The training instructor asked for victim volunteers. Troy offered up his hand. A few others were chosen and the crew set up the drill. The lot behind the department had enough room to create the scenes they needed. Wrecked cars and trucks lined one side. Two of them had been moved out in the center. The victims had fake blood on them in various places and crawled through missing windows to take their positions.
As the training proceeded, Steve ended up working on the car with Troy.
The man was doing a terrible job of overacting. His over-the-top groans and hollering were unrealistic and distracting.
Steve stuck his head in the window a bit. “Troy, you’re supposed to be in shock. Shock victims don’t holler. It’s about the rescuers training. You’re not up for an acting award.”
“Hey, get over it. You’re supposed to save me.”
Troy’s snicker irritated Steve. Hotshots had no place in this profession. Time to teach the arrogance lesson, one of long-standing in the fire department. Everyone had had enough of Troy’s strutting, and he’d either learn the lesson, or be kicked off the team.
Steve pulled Kyle Hocke aside. “You want to help me humble Troy?”
“Oh yeah. Definitely.” Kyle laughed.
Steve gave the signal to the captain of what needed to be done.
The firefighters doing the rescue went about their job. Steve set the Jaws of Life into the door frame and began pulling the metal apart.
Troy had been flinging insults.
The noise the device made covered whatever he was saying.
Kyle and Jeannie positioned the Stokes basket next to the car. They got their victim out of the car and into the basket to simulate a rescue where they had to hoist the vic up an incline.
Troy continued his ranting.
Steve had the straps in his hand. “We are going to strap you in for your protection now sir.”
“Ha! Love it. You can call me sir, anytime.” Troy wouldn’t give up.
Steve fought the craving to punch him in the hope that it would knock him out and shut him up, but decided that wouldn’t be much of a professional reaction. Even if it was just a drill. He proceeded with the crisscrossing of the straps over Troy through the sides of the basket.
“Hey, kind of overdoing those straps, aren’t ya? Idiot. You don’t need that many. Ha, even I know that.”
“Oh, I think we do…” Steve pulled the last one tighter than he really needed.
Troy let out a hard grunt.
“Good job, Steve. Now, men, take the victim over to safety.” The captain grinned through the order.
Four of them picked up the Stokes, carried Troy over to the corner of the building, and stood it on end.
“Hey! What are you doing?”
But they all walked away.
Steve slapped his colleagues on the back. “Looks like it’s time for break. Let’s go get some coffee.”
“Hey. Hey! You can’t leave me here.”
“Oh, you’re right, Troy. You might fall. We can’t have that. Guys, safety first.” Steve held his finger in the air to emphasize his point. Then he grabbed the clip for the hose dryer that hung from the top of the tower. The rest of the firefighters maneuvered the ropes, and the Stokes rose up in the air just off the ground enough to hang free with the help of the pulleys above.
The firefighters walked past the elevated man, waving as they headed into the building. One of the guys gave the Stokes a spin. Steve had strapped him in so well that he hadn’t slipped an inch.
Loud protests from Troy followed them inside.
15
Ronnie a
rrived at Kelly Hocke’s around nine in the morning. Kelly had been so excited when Ronnie had asked about a Bible study.
Ronnie couldn’t take credit, it was Steve’s suggestion. He’d been gentle, but he’d been firm that she needed to start learning more about God than she remembered from Sunday school. She had to do something to find some peace. It will eat you alive otherwise. His words echoed in her heart.
Little Stephanie swung the door open with her pig tails bouncing.
“Stephanie, what have I told you about answering the door?” Kelly admonished her daughter.
“Sorry, momma.” The girl hung her head. “But I knew it’d be Miss Ronnie. You said she was coming.”
“But you always have to make sure before you open the door.”
“OK.”
Ronnie caught the scent of the real Christmas tree that sat decorated in the corner of the living room. A heavy sigh escaped her. She had to try harder.
Kelly reached out and hugged Ronnie. “Hi. Sorry. Come on in.”
“Oh, that’s fine, no problem.” She walked in and knelt to hug four-year-old Stephanie. “How are you, sweetheart?”
“I’m good. Want to see my dolls?”
Ronnie stood and laughed.
Kelly placed a hand on the girl’s shoulder. “Honey, Ronnie’s here to spend time with me. Remember what I said? You need to go play while we talk, OK?”
Stephanie’s hopeful eyes searched hers. “OK. Maybe before you go home you can come see my dollies.”
“I will for sure.”
The girl turned and skipped off to the steps heading up to her room.
Ronnie shook out of her coat. “She’s so adorable. How are you today?” She removed her boots, too.
Kelly took her coat and hung it in the closet. “I’m good. She keeps me hopping in the mornings. Want some coffee?”
“Yes, please. That’d be great.”
They headed toward the kitchen.
Kelly filled two large ceramic mugs and set them on the table. “You need any cream or sugar?”
“No, black is fine.” Ronnie couldn’t miss the stack of Bibles and study books. Part of her wanted to groan, but that was why she was here. She wanted to do this. No, she needed to do this. She had to find some peace for her life.
“So, where would you like to start?” Kelly asked as she reached for one of the Bibles.
“You don’t waste any time.” Ronnie leaned back in the chair and ran her fingers through her hair. “I don’t know, Kelly. You know my struggle. I just can’t find any peace about losing my dad. I don’t understand. Steve wants so badly to get back together, but I just don’t want to risk losing him like we lost dad. I don’t think there’s any hope for me getting over this.”
“Sure there is. But you have to open yourself up to letting God heal your hurts. If you’re willing, He’ll help.”
“I do know that. I just…I’ve been so…”
“Mad at God about it?”
Ronnie knew the tears were ready to work their way to the surface. Those words spoken out loud for the first time tipped the levee that held the tears. She had never dared to verbalize her anger toward God.
Kelly grabbed the tissue box from the counter and set it in front of Ronnie.
Dabbing at her eyes, Ronnie let the small grin creep up her face. “I’m such a sap! I get so tired of crying, yet it keeps happening.”
“I know it’s been hard. Your dad was far too young to go.” She opened one of the Bibles and flipped through the pages. “Do you remember in the Old Testament all the times David struggled with all the bad things that kept happening to him?”
“Not really. It’s been so long since I’ve even thought about the Bible. We read together as a family, but with Dad gone, well…I just didn’t care anymore.”
“David had a lot of enemies. He had a lot of people who just wanted to destroy him. There were plenty of times he brought on a lot of it, but regardless of his grief, his struggle, his failings, the attacks against him, he always knew that he could depend on God.”
“But why does God let this stuff happen?”
“I’m not sure anyone can answer that, Ronnie. But we can trust that He will get us through it all. Have you ever asked God to help you through this grief?”
Ronnie felt the heat rise in her cheeks. She bit her lower lip, met Kelly’s eyes and said quietly, “I’ve been too mad at Him.” More tears cascaded down her face. She’d have this tissue box emptied in no time. Drying her eyes, she realized a small hand rested on her knee. She looked down to see Stephanie’s concerned little gaze staring up at her.
“Why are you sad, Miss Ronnie?”
“Oh, honey,” Ronnie reached down to pick up the child. “Sometimes I just need to cry.”
“I feel like that sometimes. You can hold my doll if you want.” Stephanie handed a blonde, curly-haired doll to Ronnie. “She helps me when I’m sad.”
“Thank you, Steph. I’m certain she will help me feel better, too.” Ronnie did her best to smile and hugged the girl.
“OK. Go play in your room while we talk some more.” Kelly stood, took the girl from Ronnie’s lap, and set her on the floor.
“All right, mommy. But don’t make her cry anymore.”
Both women laughed.
“Let’s just look at a few passages today.”
Kelly passed a Bible across the table.
Ronnie flipped through the worn pages, remembering a time when reading this book had been a daily habit for her. But how long had it been? She didn’t even know where she’d put her Bible.
“I want to read one verse in particular to you.” Kelly flipped to the book of Isaiah.
Ronnie could see the Bible’s page heading. That book had always been a challenge for Ronnie to understand.
“In chapter forty-one it says, ‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’” Kelly looked up. “He’s there for you, if you ask.
“God wants to help us get through things, but if you continue to hold onto your grief it becomes an obstacle for you to trust Him to help you deal. It’s time to reroute your life, Ronnie. If you can work toward drawing closer to Jesus, He’s waiting to help you move forward. The key is to admit you need His help, cry out for His help, and be humble enough to learn from Him.”
They continued to read and discuss these truths for quite a while.
Stephanie came out again. “Momma, I’m hungry.”
“I need to get going anyway.” Ronnie said as she rose from the chair.
“You could stay and have a sandwich with us.”
“No, thanks. Maybe next time.” Ronnie reached out and hugged Kelly, then bent to hug Stephanie. “You need to show me your dolls before I go.” She handed the blonde doll back to the girl.
“OK. Come on.” The little girl skipped off to the stairs.
~*~
Ronnie navigated the curves in the road coming down off the mountain the Hockes lived on, smiling at the tour she had of Stephanie’s dolls. Then her thoughts went to what Kelly had said about how God must have felt sending His own Son to die. A shiver ran through her. She couldn’t deal with her dad’s death, how God could handle what His Son had to endure was beyond comprehension.
What would her dad think of how she’s been holding back on life?
He’d probably be having a long talk with her about it if he could. He always lived for the moment. Saw joy in whatever came his way. How did he do that? He was such a great man.
She choked up on how she missed him.
“OK, God.” She spoke toward the windshield looking up at the sky. “I’ll try. I’m not making any promises, but I’ll try. But you’ve got to help me.” Ronnie pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store. She needed milk. She beeped the auto lock and headed toward the doors.
Mrs. McNeal was coming out of the store on one of those drivable c
hairs.
Oh, my gosh, she can’t even walk on her own. Seeing the woman for the first time after what she’d done to her…oh, no, eye contact, nowhere to hide now.
“Ronnie, hi. Oh, my goodness, I’m so glad to see you.” The woman waved and attempted to get the scooter chair to go faster, which it refused to do.
“Hi, Mrs. McNeal. I’m surprised to see you out and about. How are you?”
The woman steered the chair to the side out of everyone’s way. “I’m fine. Embarrassed to be in this thing, but I promised Steve. I’ve been going stir crazy in the house. How are you doing?”
“Oh, I’m…fine, I guess.”
“You don’t sound very sure.”
“Well, I…I’ve been meaning to call and check on you. I wanted to apologize…” Ronnie couldn’t look at her and hung her head. Hands in her pockets, she rocked back and forth, toe to heel. “I’m so sorry for what I did to you.”
“Ronnie, it’s not your fault. I never should have gone out that day. The roads were so bad, but I’ve been driving in snow all my life. I just didn’t expect the ice. Steve sure gave me a chewing out for that. That boy forgets he’s the son, not the parent.” She laughed.
“I never should have tried to stick that log under there. I’m responsible for ruining your favorite car and for your injuries. I’m so sorry.” Ronnie could barely see through the tears welling up in her eyes.
“Now you listen to me, young lady.” The sternness of her voice caught Ronnie by surprise. “There is no way you could have known that idea wouldn’t work. I shouldn’t have gotten myself into that predicament. You did the best you could with me sitting there all whiney and crying for help. What happened, happened. They’re called accidents for a reason. And it’s been time for a new car anyway.”
“Oh, Mrs. McNeal. I just wish I’d have figured something else out and spared you from all this.”
“I know, sweetie, but it was an accident. No one had control that day. I’m just very thankful you were there with me. Your daddy would be so proud of you.”
