by Kuhn, Steve
So, I took a leak against the tire of D-Prime, and when I was through, I noticed Don standing there as if he wanted to say something. I raised my eyebrows to let him know he had my attention, and he joined me in a walk under an awning of the nearby buildings to chat in the shade.
He sighed heavily. “She doesn’t love me anymore, Dext,” he said matter-of-factly. “We had a long time to talk while we were driving. She told me, it’s just not the same. She said she’s not mad at me, and she doesn’t hate me. In fact, she said she cares for me very deeply, but it’s not love anymore. Wanna know what hurt the most?”
I raised my eyebrows once more to relay that he hadn’t lost me.
“She said she doesn’t think she ever did. It was like she was just following protocol—graduate, enlist, marry a man, have kids, blah, blah, blah. I hate to dump this on ya, man, but I don’t think anyone else would get it. Funny thing is, I think she’s got her eye on you.”
We both shared an awkward chuckle at the singular ‘eye’ comment. Punny, right?
I didn’t know what to tell him—still don’t. Fact of the matter is that love, as in ‘romantic’ love, isn’t something that really registers with me anymore. Sure, I’m a dude, and I can’t deny the fact that at this point I’d lay the wood to the first chick that offered me a slice, but love is dangerous. It clouds the mind. Ain’t nobody got time for that, as the old saying goes.
I tried to be supportive, though. And like most people I’ve ever known, the things you say to be supportive always come with a measure of dishonesty, or hopeless optimism, like telling Gary that everything was going to be okay as he choked out on his own blood. I patted Don on the shoulder and told him, “You don’t have to worry about me. It’s not like that for me and Kylee. Besides, we need to just focus on the task at hand. That’s keeping everyone alive until we get to the good guys. After that, everything will be okay. If anybody knows how to focus on the mission, it should be you. We need you to lead by example.”
He offered a smile. I think I actually made him feel better. It was short lived, though, as some commotion broke out over by the truck. We dashed over to see what was up and found Seth and Nick confronting a couple of new faces, faces that were very much alive.
They were actually civil, which was a huge change from the norm. For the first time since before I could remember, no one had their weapons pointed at one another. In fact, the commotion wasn’t even hostile. Seth and Nick were helping these two, a man and a woman, stack up a bunch of provisions they had scavenged from one of the old shops along the street.
As we approached them, the man raised a hand in greeting and said, “Hey! There’s your other people now. Goddamn it’s good to see some normal folks for once. We were hidin’ in the grocery when we first saw you—weren’t sure if you were raiders or what. Jenny saw you had that little girl with you and the other woman. Now, I gotta be honest, I was a little put off by the shaved heads, but Jenny here’s a softy. She convinced me to come out and see if y’all were all right. I’m glad she did, too. We lost most of our group a while back, and we were startin’ to lose hope.”
The woman stepped forward. She was a good-lookin’ girl, but dirty and funky like the rest of us. She jutted out her hand and sweetly said, “I’m Jenny, y’all, Jenny Reck. This is my good friend Andrew Hopkins.” She winked at Nick and made it a point to add, “He’s just a good friend. We ain’t married or nothin’, hon.” Nick played it cool, but I knew on the inside he was licking his chops.
Andrew offered handshakes all around as well. He was a middle-aged guy with a bald head and a goatee. He had the look of a guy you’d see coaching his kid’s Little League team or some shit. He cut to the chase, which I appreciated, and asked us outright, “You got room for two more in that rig? We can pull our weight, I promise ya. I can drive that thing, and I’m pretty handy with a gun. And don’t let Jenny’s sweet disposition fool ya. She’s a fighter… and a helluva good cook. You give this girl a hunka squirrel, and she’ll whip up a four-course meal, the likes of which you prolly ain’t seen in a decade.”
We bantered back and forth a bit. They had a rough go of it like the rest of us. Jenny said they’d been on the road for weeks after losing half their camp to a raiding party. They moved on, barely alive and with no gear, some twenty miles before hitting a herd roughly in the direction we were heading. They were on foot, though, and had been for some time. They lost one person to a respiratory infection and everyone else that was with them to the dead before hoofing it to this town. Andrew told us they were consolidating whatever they could gather from the houses and businesses here into one of the shops and were going to try and settle in. They weren’t opposed to heading out with us, though, if we were willing to take them on.
After hanging out for a few minutes, we decided that it would only be right to bring them along with us. It wasn’t very often we saw people that were ‘switched on’ anymore. Nick and Seth were going to help them finish clearing out the building they had already started, and Andrew suggested Don and I head back across the street to see what we could find. We were about to get started when Seth suggested, “We should split up into equal numbers. We don’t need all four of us in this spot. Andrew and Jenny almost got the place finished up anyway. I’ll give them a hand here, and you and Don take Nick to the other side.”
We should’ve given that more thought, but I think everyone was high on the good vibes. No one protested, so Nick, Don, and I scooted on over to the opposite side of the road.
The first shot rang out after about fifteen minutes, and it had all three of us snapping our heads up to attention. We gave each other a glance and headed out into the street when the second shot popped. The first instinct was that they ran into some bernies on the other side, so we ran across to give them a hand. Boyd raised a hand to get our attention on the way past the trailer, but you know how it was. We were already in battle mode and jetted right past him into the building with Seth and the others.
It was a fuckin’ mess. Seth stood over the bodies of Andrew and Jenny, holding his pistol in one hand with his knife at his feet. He was covering his shoulder with his free hand, which was soaked with blood, and he had that look in his eyes.
Jenny lay there with a slice in her throat that went clean through her windpipe to her spine. Her head folded back over like a disgusting version of Ms. Pac-Man, and there was blood everywhere. When I say ‘everywhere,’ I mean it had pooled around her, nearly half an inch deep along the entire length of her body. Andrew’s face was contorted in an unnatural grimace, a single, glassy eye staring at the ceiling. He clutched his handgun in a death grip. He had suffered a single shot to the head, but it wasn’t clean. It had entered through his forehead and exited out the side, taking his left eye and half his ear with it. His brain was exposed like wrinkly pudding that oozed from the gaping wound.
I stared at the bodies as Don said to Seth, “Shit, man. You okay? What the fuck happened?”
Seth peeked under his hand and rolled his eyes, looking beyond pissed off. He stalked up to Jenny’s body and emptied his gun into her face, not that it was necessary. Even if she turned, she’d be nothing to worry about with her head flopping back like that. “That motherfucker shot me! He fuckin’ shot me!”
Don tried to control the situation and calmly said, “How bad you hit? Can you move it? Jesus! Why? They seemed fine!”
Seth stormed outside and stood in the street, still clutching his wound. Kylee and Lilly, awakened by the gunfire, stood at the rear of the truck, staring blankly at him. He kicked the dirt and shouted, “Motherfucker! Ahhh! This shit hurts!” He turned back to us and said, “I’m in there helping them unload the shelves, and that bitch tells him, ‘Now. Do it.’ He raised his piece at me, and hit me in the shoulder. I put one in his fuckin’ head, and then the girl grabs me and gets her hand on my gun. I pulled out my knife and cut her up. What the fuck else was I gonna do?”
At the time, we were all nodding like, ‘Yeah. You did what
you had to do,’ that is until Boyd called from atop the truck, “Bullshit!”
No stutter. That’s how you know shit got real.
Seth turned and snapped at him, “Oh fuck off, Boyd! You weren’t there!”
Boyd, ever on watch, tapped his scope and said, “I m-may as well have b-been. Seen the whole thing. You k-killed those people in c-cold blood. I saw you c-cut that girl’s throat. Andrew took a shot at you to s-save her, and then you k-killed him, too.” Boyd addressed everyone. “Don’t believe him! He m-m-murdered those people.”
Nick stared at Seth. “Seth… what the fuck?”
Seth argued, but his voice shook. “No way. They moved first. I’m tellin’ you!”
Nick kept his eyes on Seth, who was still bleeding, by the way. “He ain’t lyin’, Seth. You know it, and I know it. Look at him. Fuckin’ look at him! He’s got his eyes right on mine. He’s not wringin’ his hands. He’s not tapping his heel. What did you do, Seth?” Nick was shouting angrily now, “What did you do?”
Still clutching his arm, Seth teared up. He roared and ran face-first into the trailer, slamming his head. Repeatedly, one after another, he slammed his forehead into the side of the truck until his blood smeared across its white surface. He bashed his own head in until he could no longer stand, collapsing to the ground in a sitting position with the side of his gun against his face. He sobbed hard now, with his elbows on his knees, and hit himself on the side of the head with the butt of his weapon, crying, “No, no, no, no, no… Get outta my head!”
Lilly was upset and scared at this point, so Kylee ushered her back into the trailer. She looked me directly in the face and demanded, “Handle this shit! Right now!” before following Lilly in to comfort her.
Nick was in a tough spot, so I don’t blame him for taking a swing at me. I suppose I could have done a better job with my approach, but instead of moving on Seth, I yoked Nick up by the back of his shirt. He reflexively came around at me with his fist and caught me square on the jaw for grabbing him. I can’t lie. That dude’s got a nasty right cross. I was seeing stars, but I held my shit together and didn’t lose my grip. I threw him towards Seth and snapped, “Get him the fuck outta here!”
Nick reached for his kukri, but Don was quick on the draw and had his gun on Nick, as did Boyd, before his hand touched it. Don said calmly, “We doin’ this? Is this how it’s gonna happen? Use your head, Nick. Think!”
Nick dropped his hand and helped Seth to his feet. He told us, “No. It’s not gonna go like that. Give me some time with him.” Nick looked at Seth disappointedly, but threw his arm around him. Seth was gone, half dazed again. He ushered Seth to the awning where Don and I had words earlier and sat him down. I watched as he gently reached into Seth’s pocket and pulled out the first-aid kit Don made and began tending to Seth. Seth flinched as Nick pulled back the vest and began cutting the shirt from around the wound. He reminded me of a big brother taking care of a sibling after a lost fight.
Don ordered us firmly, “Dext, go check on Lilly and Kylee. Stay with them. Boyd, keep watch and make sure the gunfire isn’t bringing any of them in. I’ll keep an eye on these two. We’ll give Nick the time he’s asked for—not for Seth, but for Nick.” Then he lowered his voice, saying to us, “If they act up, I’ll do it myself. Just make sure you got my back. We good?”
Boyd and I nodded.
It’s quiet now, but I think it’s clear that the switch has been torn completely from the wall.
Entry 153
We talked about killing him, you know. How could we not have that talk? I’d never felt quite so gross as I did during that conversation. Nick and Seth were sitting just yards away, and we were debating not only killing Seth outright, but also Nick. Is that as fucked up as it sounds? Probably.
I think it’s only natural that we weren’t opposed to shooting Seth on the spot. He was a murderer. He’d had a mental implosion, and who knew how bad he would get? Shit, he may even get worse. And, at what point was he going to lose his shit and try to take one of us out? He had to die. We even tried to justify it to ourselves as a mercy killing. He was sick and unfit to be part of any group, much less ours. He was a danger to everyone around him, and even if he didn’t try to harm us directly, he might put us in a position to get hurt by something or someone else just by pulling one of his crazy-ass stunts.
Trouble was that we were all well aware that a move to kill Seth would send Nick into a rage. I was willing to bet my last bullet that even approaching the subject with Nick, without an actual decision to do so, would flip his shit. Then we’d have to kill Nick, too. That was where everyone got stuck. We just couldn’t do it. Nick hadn’t done anything towards us to deserve that. In fact, he’d been nothing but good for us thus far, and he was the only one that could sort of keep Seth on a leash. (I said, ‘Sort of.’ Of course, I realize he didn’t do such a good job at that with regards to Jenny and Andrew.) Either way, our group had murdered for revenge in the past. This wouldn’t be revenge, though. This would be something different altogether.
Nick was no dummy. He saw us huddled together, chatting. He knew something was up. So, he left Seth curled up on the ground under the awning in the fetal position, clutching his wounded arm, to come speak to us all together.
“Talkin’ about killin’ him, huh?” he began. “Well… I can’t say I blame you.”
This shocked me. I never thought he would be so cool about the whole thing. I didn’t trust his coolness for a second, though. Maybe he was baiting us, trying to get us to reveal something so he could decide what move to make. I was gonna deny it, but Lilly fucked that up for us. She told Nick, “Yup. Thought about killin’ you, too, but we can’t. You’re too nice.”
Nick chuckled, amused, and told Lilly with a smile, “Well, that’s very thoughtful of you, Lilly.” Then he shot me a look that silently said, ‘Good luck with that, motherfucker.’
Kylee cut the shit and told him, “Here’s the thing, Nick. He’s gotta go. You know it, and we know it. We can’t have him acting the way he does, especially with Lilly around, but we know how close you two are. We’re trying to come to a decision that doesn’t fuck you in the process.”
Don chimed in, saying, “I think it’s time we part ways. No one else dies. No one else gets hurt. We just agree to disagree and move on.”
Nick inhaled deeply and sighed. I didn’t envy his position at all. He leaned on the trailer and lit a cigarette, pondering the situation. We gave him the respect of keeping quiet while he mulled everything over for a few. About three drags into his smoke, he said matter-of-factly, “You leave us out here alone, and we’re dead. What’s the fucking difference between that and a bullet in the head? If he was in decent shape and without that bullet hole in his arm, we could make somethin’ happen. It wouldn’t be the first time we were alone, but with that wound and his mental state… we’re fucked. You’re not exactly being fair about this.”
Kylee scoffed and told him, “Fair? You got a lotta balls talkin’ about fair, Nick. Was it fair for those two in the store over there? Was that fucking fair?”
Nick took a deep pull off his smoke before dropping it to the ground and stomping it out. He slowly pulled his pistol from the holster attached to his thigh and checked the magazine to see how many rounds he had left before snapping it back in and chambering a round. I felt my own hand creeping towards my belt. He said calmly, “All right… Put Lilly in the trailer. She’s out. I don’t want her to be part of this.”
Kylee asked him, “You gonna do it then? You gonna be the one to put him down?”
Nick solemnly told her, “Nope. I’m gonna walk over there, stand him up, and then dare you to try and kill us. That man is my best friend. He’s my best friend in this whole piece-of-shit world, and he’s been through enough already. So, if you think I’m gonna stand here like a bitch while you execute him or allow him to die of an infection because you assholes left us out here alone, then you’re all way more fuckin’ dumb than I thought. We all des
erve to die, but me and Seth… Nah… we ain’t goin’ out like that.”
He turned on his heels and began stalking back over to Seth. He snapped at Seth, “Get up! We got shit to do.”
Seth groggily moved a little bit, but not much. I managed to stop it by calling out, “Nick, wait.”
He stopped in his tracks and told me, “Save it, Dext. We had a good run. We really did, but it’s time to stop talking.”
I pleaded with him. Now, I have to mention that I wasn’t pleading because I was scared. Between Kylee, Don, Boyd, and me, we would have slaughtered them. Boyd probably would have sniped them both before Nick even raised his gun, but it wasn’t about that. It was about respect. Nick was bein’ a shouldah nigga. He was ‘ride or die,’ and that’s some shit I don’t take lightly, especially after Cutty. I’d be doing the same damn thing right now if the roles were reversed. So, yeah, I pleaded with Nick to stop. And he did.
Seth grumbled something, and Nick called to him, “Never mind. Take five.” He walked back over to me and said, “Let me tell you something…”
I spread my arms to let him know he had the floor and we were all listening. He continued, “We started in Columbus, Ohio, right in the middle of the city. I was alone when the shit really hit the fan, and all I could do was think about getting outta there. Who do you think came and saved my ass? Seth did.
“He had his son that weekend because his bitch wife decided she was gonna ditch him four months earlier for her asshole boss and took everything he had, including his boy. Liam had just celebrated his ninth birthday two days before, and Seth wasn’t allowed to be there. Seth picked him up the day after.
“I couldn’t get him on the phone, but it’s like we share the same brain sometimes. He knew I would want him to come get me, and that’s exactly what he did. He stole that Caddy, and they rode down my street, Liam covering his ears as Seth shot his way to my place. We made off like Butch and Sundance.
“We scraped, like everyone else did, for a few weeks, and Liam decided he wanted to learn to shoot… so he could help defend us, ya know? We didn’t know about the noise back then, didn’t know it brings them in. We didn’t even know about the head shots. That took a while to figure out, too. I promised myself that if I ever got my hands on the Emergency Broadcast Network people, I’d strangle them one by one for not telling us that.
