“It isn’t only my perception.” I recalled Alexa’s and Lance’s reactions.
“You chose this form, this fate for yourself. Each demon created is unique as is every being. The spirit dictates the form, the life, the experience. This world is the nursery of the soul. Here we grow, here we learn. What is it that you need to learn, Cristien?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged, getting tired of her platitudes.
“In the end you will,” she smiled, “in the end you will find balance. You will understand the paradox. A paradox saved your life. Alexa came to you, willing to die, to give you life. She never faltered, and because she understood you, your love and how great it is for her, she was able to reach you, to remind you of how much you truly loved her. Now, I have nearly given you the answer. But you will have to live it to truly understand it. Now that you have become a demigod, the lessons will come quickly to you, but you will learn the way we all did.”
“You make it sound like this is all some game,” I said.
“It is. It is the game God is playing with Itself.”
“I don’t feel very godly. Or very much like playing a game.”
“That is your difficulty. Suffering comes only when we move away from the Divine. If a tiger were eating your foot, would you hand him your arm? No, you would move away. But in this life, men and women give the tiger even more of their arm and say that they have learned to live with suffering. They are comfortable. Remove your hand and foot and you will not have to suffer. You will be wholly with God.”
I stared at her placid face that looked like it had never known a moment’s doubt, and I asked, “How would you feel if your husband became a devil?”
“I would not know since my husband did not turn into a devil,” she smiled, and there was something in her dark bright eyes that made me want to ask what he did turn into, but she patted my hand and rose. “I must get to work. They will be hungry when they get up.”
She glanced toward the food she had made me before she left. I didn’t touch it. I was thinking about all she said. God playing a game with Himself? The God I knew never played games. He was a for-keeps kind of guy, kind of hell, torment and punishment, take-everything-from-you-and-wag-a-finger-in-your-face-afterward kind of God. Job’s kind of God.
Her freewheeling God was too alien. A God that did not punish but only tried to instruct you. I wasn’t sure I believed in that. All I had gleaned from her speechifying was that I would remain this way forever, so I had better get used to it. I had better deal with it.
I looked down the long hall toward where Alexa was sleeping. I wanted to go to her, sit on the floor by her bed. I wouldn’t touch her. I would kneel, kneel and beg her to stay with me, save me from this loneliness that was going to be my future forever. I was a monster, but I loved her.
I shut my eyes, made myself turn away. How many men had said those exact words? How many men had used them as an excuse to commit every atrocity against a woman in the name of his own need?
And now I would ask her to stay with me, and she would. Alexa didn’t know what she was giving up. They never did. I would take her future, like some old man sucking dry the fruit of youth to stave off his loneliness and misery. What could I offer her now? I had barely anything to give her before. How could I keep her with me, hiding in darkness, never going out because no human could see my hideousness and stay sane?
This is what I got. This was my reward. I had tried to climb toward heaven, and it had rightfully cast me down and branded me for my hubris, so all would know what I was. I couldn’t pretend to be a knight in shining armor for her anymore. Now, she had to see me for what I was, always was. She would know what she had married. And even in the face of all this I could see her staying with me, making the best of things, struggling along, but for how long? A year or two, even a hundred? How much could she stand, staying with a thing who could not even be a husband to her?
Alexa had suffered enough because of me. The only honorable thing to do was to let her go, somehow find a way. I wouldn’t allow her stay with me. I would steel myself, push her until she went on with her life, perhaps to form another bond with someone else one day and transfer her love to him. She would never starve then, but I would be glad to die that day.
Yes, that was the honorable thing to do. There was no other choice. And yet when I shut the door of my heart, I knew I was wrong. My heart told me so when I locked it away from her, buried it alive inside me. I didn’t listen. What did hearts know? They were selfish. They wanted what they wanted. I would do the right thing.
I steeled myself while Yueliang cleaned the house and finally took away the food she had prepared. I was still awake, planning, when Lance got up. They helped me to my old bedroom. A chill went through me going in there again even though everything was back to normal. CJ was on the bed, staring. He was lucky. Alexa would take him with her, though a part of me now wished she would leave him with me, leave me something of her. I laid down on the bed after Lance and Yueliang left. I picked up CJ and held him gently.
I woke up in a rust-colored room. I was floating on a California-king-sized gel bed on top of gray sheets. The head board was four large leather panels. Lance was standing over me.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, struggling to sit up.
“You are going to have a very hard time with him. I thought I should warn you,” he said.
“A hard time with whom?”
“With Cristien.”
“What do you mean?” I said, rubbing my eyes.
“The scone is back up his butt.”
“Make sense,” I demanded.
“It’s like he’s shut down. He was sitting there on the couch just staring. He’s going to do something stupid. I can feel it. Anyway, Yueliang and I put him in your old bedroom about an hour ago. It’s so clean you couldn’t tell that you had been murdered there.”
“I’m so glad,” I told him, feeling the hairs on my body stand up.
“Sorry. I joke. It’s how I deal.”
“I know.” I told him.
“This reeks,” he said, dropping down beside me and causing a slight wave.
“Yeah, tell me about it,” I agreed. “I don’t know how much more I can take.”
“I’m here for you,” he told me.
“Great. You don’t look like you can take much more either.”
He shook his head then bowed it.
“So, when does the happily ever after happen?” I asked him.
“I don’t know, but we are way overdue for an upswing,” he said rising, “Listen, Yueliang made dinner, so we’re supposed to go eat.”
“Is Cristien joining us?”
“I guess we’ll see.”
Forms
We walked into the living room. Yueliang greeted us.
“I made dim sum, congee, roti, dal and apple pie. It’s in the dining room. There is more food in the refrigerator. I have to go home. Chandraswami will be expecting me.”
She walked to the door, waved and left.
“She made what?” Lance asked after the door closed.
I shrugged.
The dining room light was on, and the table was set with Cristien’s beautiful dishes.
“I should get him,” I said.
“We’ll both go,” Lance told me.
I knocked on our bedroom door and opened it slowly when Cristien didn’t answer. He was awake, watching TV.
I froze a smile on my face. I still hadn’t gotten used to seeing him that way.
“Hi,” I said stupidly.
He looked toward Lance.
“Dinner’s on,” Lance said.
“Not hungry.”
“You haven’t eaten,” I complained.
“I’m fine,” he said, turning back to the screen.
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Sure,” he said, turning up the TV.
Lance and I went back alone. We moved into the dining room. Lance sat opposite me. Our chairs scraped the floor.
I served us, though I didn’t recognize most of the things I was dishing out. We started eating.
“It’s not bad,” Lance said taking seconds.
“No, it’s good,” I said after tasting a shrimp dumpling.
“Then why have you barely touched it?”
“Cristien’s not eating.”
“He’s a big boy. When he’s hungry, he’ll eat,” he said while continuing to stuff his face.
I gave him a look then got up again and went back to our bedroom. I knocked again and opened the door.
“Are you sure you don’t want anything? It’s good,” I told him.
“I’m fine,” he said, still watching the TV. It was last night all over again. I was not going to be ignored.
“I know what you said, but you haven’t eaten.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Could you look at me when I’m talking to you?” I asked, coming in.
He turned his full scowl on me. I stood frozen. He turned off the TV.
“I want to talk to you,” he said.
“Sure.” I squeaked.
“I think you should go.”
“What?!”
“I think you should go back to your dorm.”
“My dorm? Why?” I cried.
“You’ve missed a lot of school.”
“I died. I’m allowed.”
“You’re fine now. You should go back.”
“Who says I’m fine?” With you acting weird, how could I be?
He glanced away. “I don’t want you here anymore. It was all a mistake. We went too fast. We should never have gotten married. It was wrong of me to force you like I did. I see that now. Things have changed. I want you to go. Finish college.”
My mouth fell open. Things came to mind, but nothing seemed to fit what I was feeling until: “You selfish bastard,” I spat. “You’re going to do this to me now? After all I’ve been through for you, you have the audacity to say this to me? Tell me to get out, send me away like some dog you don’t want anymore? What the hell is wrong with you? Don’t I have enough problems without you saying this to me?”
He blinked. It was the first human thing he had done since we brought him back.
“Alexa, I’m trying to . . .” I cut him off.
“Finish what Lily started?” I said, before I could stop myself. I had gone too far with that one. But it was out of my mouth before I could stop it.
His face dropped, and I saw all his pain, all his fear. I regretted terribly that I had added to his suffering.
“I’m sorry,” I said, coming closer, “I didn’t mean that.”
“I deserve it,” he said.
“No, you don’t,” I told him, sitting by him. He moved away. “Cristien.”
“Alexa, it’s over. I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel, and my feelings won’t change.”
“Even if you change back?” I asked.
“I won’t.”
“You’re so sure of that?”
“Positive.”
“And you won’t even give me a chance to show you how much I care about you, how much I don’t care about the way you look.”
“It’s deeper than that, Alexa. I’m not the man you married. I’m not the man you love. Maybe I never was. I can face that now. You should too.”
And then he turned on the TV again. I wanted to grab the remote from him and toss it across the room. How dare he shut me out, close the door in my face, give me no choice in my own destiny.
“You really don’t know me, do you?” I asked him. “You still think so little of me?” Then I got up and slammed the door.
Lance was sitting on the clawed couch in the living room.
“I can’t believe him,” I yelled.
Lance got up and pointed to the front door. I frowned. He signaled that if we wanted to talk without Cristien hearing, we would have to go outside.
“I don’t care if he hears,” I shouted. “I hope the pig-headed ass does hear me! I’m not going back to school, and he can’t make me! Let him file for divorce. I’d love to see him show up in court!”
Then Lance put his hand over my mouth and tried to drag me outside. The attempt was pathetic. I barely felt it, but after the third incredulous tug, I went with him so as not to embarrass him.
“What the hell?” he asked after closing the front door.
“Cristien is dumping me,” I said.
“He’s dumping you?”
“Yes. Isn’t that a shocker?”
“What did he say?”
“‘I’m not the man you married. I know that now. Get out.’”
Lance combed his fingers through his hair.
“He’s doing the chivalry thing again,” he told me. “He thinks you’d be better off without him.”
“Well, it’s too late to go back now. We’re kind of soul married. Soul marriages don’t have divorces. It’s not like I can pack up and forget him. His name is written on my heart, literally. And somehow he got it into his head he’s not changing back.”
“That’s a possibility,” Lance told me seriously. “What are you going to do if he doesn’t? Have you thought about your life after, with him?”
“Why should I think about it?” I asked him, “What can I do about it?”
“You could ask Chandraswami to,” he swallowed, “you know, separate you from him.”
“We’ve been through this, Lance,” I said, throwing my arms up in the air. “I don’t want to be separated from him. I love him.”
“But Alexa, what are you going to do? How can you ever go out with him or have a life?”
“Why are you asking me this? Aren’t you on my side?” I squinted at him. “He got to you didn’t he, when I was sleeping? He’s making you say this.”
Lance hung his head. “He’s my best friend.”
“I’m your daughter.”
“Alexa, I don’t know what’s right here,” he said, balling his hand into fists, “You’re a young girl. You don’t know what you’re asking of yourself.”
“Oh please, I’m not that young anymore. Okay, so I’m not eight hundred, but I’ve died. Cristien hasn’t. And I’m willing now to have faith and wait and see. I know he’ll change back.”
“I think he will too,” he admitted.
“So, go back and tell him,” I shouted. “Tell him to give it a week before he decides anything. Not that if he doesn’t change back, I’ll listen then, but at least we can have a week of good behavior out of him.”
Lance went back inside. He talked to Cristien a good long time. Then he came out again.
“He says you have your week, but you still have to go to school.”
“And he has conditions based on what power over me?” I asked.
“He’ll call your mother.”
Then it hit me. “Oh shit! I haven’t called my mother in a week!”
“You died. She’ll cut you some slack,” Lance said.
“She going to be so upset. I need a phone. Give me your phone.”
He handed it over and I dialed.
“Hello?”
“Mom, it’s me, Alexa.”
“Alexa! Baby, where are you? What happened? I was so worried.”
“Mommy,” I cried. It would have been so easy to be a child again, to let her coddle me, to take no responsibility when my life was a mess. So easy. I lowered my head then caught sight of my wedding rings. They and my finger had been cut from my hand. I had passed through the grave to get them back. I wasn’t abandoning them ever again. I raised my head and walked back into my house, so Cristien could hear me. “Mom, I have something to tell you.”
“Alexa, you haven’t called in a week. You don’t check your phone? I called the school. Nobody knew where you were. I called the police. They said they found a girl dead. They thought it was you, but the body disappeared . . .”
I stopped her. “I’m sorry you had to worry, Mom. But, you have to listen to me. I'm married to Cristien. I got really ill after the ceremony and couldn
’t call for a while, but I’m all right now.”
“Are you crazy? You had me worried sick. I can’t believe how selfish and irresponsible you are!”
I went on: “And I’m not going to be a business major anymore, I hate it. That’s your dream, not mine. I’m not going to keep trying to live your life over. I’m going to make my own mistakes and live my own life. I’d like you to be there and have your support, but I really don’t need it. I handled that dragon fine without you.”
“Are you on drugs or something? Did he drug you?” she asked. “Do you hear yourself? You’re ruining your life. Everything I sacrificed! Everything I did for you . . . you’re going to throw it away because of some man?”
She roared. She yelled. I felt nothing. No fear, no anger. I just stood there calmly until she got tired of screaming at me. “Mom, you’re talking to yourself. I’m not you. Nothing has happened, except I’ve grown up.”
“You call this growing up? Throwing your life away? Making a mess of everything?”
“Yes. That’s what you’ve never figured out. It’s why you regret so much. You think life is supposed to be neat and tidy. It isn’t. Never was or will be for anyone.”
“You could have made it easy on yourself,” she accused.
“I did. And that’s exactly why this happened to me because I tried to take the easy path, the safe one, but there isn’t any such thing. Listen, I would love to talk philosophy all day, but I have things to do. Why don’t you sign up for some online classes and get that business degree you always wanted instead of worrying about me? Talk to you later,” I said, hanging up.
I turned to Lance who had followed me inside. “Tell Cristien he can call my mother any time he wants now.”
I heard Alexa walk off toward the kitchen. She had told her mother we were married. She had stood up to her. I was so proud. I wanted to go to her and tell her so, but I couldn’t. I wanted to run after her like a dog, follow her on my hands and knees. I would do that now. I would do anything to be with her, take whatever scrap of life she might throw to me. That was how much I needed her, even more now than I ever had. I had not thought it was possible that I could, but I did. I got up, fighting to keep myself from her, to abort my desire. I wandered into the bathroom, and I saw myself in the mirror for the first time. I saw what I had become, and I let her go farther and farther from me.
The Innocent Page 32
