* * * * *
“You going to April’s party tonight?”
Dean looked up at his father, recognised the searching question for what it was and couldn’t think of a good way to answer it. Finally, he just said, “No. I’m not.” He hesitated too long, though. His father was frowning.
“You and those Reids aren’t getting along the way you used to.”
What could he say to that? “We’ve grown up. Things change.”
His father shrugged as though he accepted it, but Dean watched him walk away and doubted it. His father could be far too inquisitive at times, even intuitive. Maybe it was just as well Jay had called a halt before anyone discovered what they were doing. Okay, maybe Jay hadn’t exactly called a halt, more like a hiatus. After finding his current work on the laptop, Jay asked to read one of his books. Reluctant, but oddly excited by the idea, Dean gave him a copy to take to his parents for the holidays. Jay promised they would speak in the New Year.
“Don’t stay late. It’s New Year’s Eve,” his father called out from across the garage.
“I know. I know, Dad.” Truth, he didn’t need to be here at all, but work was distracting. “I have plans,” he lied through his teeth. His father grinned, but asked no questions. He just gave a quick nod on the way out. Dean sighed. What did it matter if he spent the night working? It wasn’t as if he had anything else to do, or anyone with whom to greet the New Year. For the first time ever, the midnight bells would chime and he would be alone to hear them.
He was still thinking along the lines of self-pity when someone kicked him in the leg. He cursed, and came out from under the car bonnet to see April standing there glaring at him.
“Are you trying to get mugged?” she asked. He glanced at the door and cursed again for foolishly failing to lock it ‑‑ not because he truly thought someone would mug him, but because it had allowed April to visit unannounced. She followed her question with, “I could kill you, you know that.”
Even coming from April, such direct animosity was somewhat alarming. Before he could respond, she launched into one. “Do you know what Jay did all week?” He shook his head. He knew, but didn’t say so and couldn’t see the relevance. “He spent it with our parents. I spent Christmas Day and Boxing Day there, but then I came home. Jay stayed. He stayed because he wanted to keep out of your way.
“Bad enough,” she continued, pacing now, “that both of us have to put up with the ‘it’s time you found a nice young man’ speech but then my mother asks innocently enough after our friends and after what you are doing. I thought Jay looked as red as the tablecloth.”
Dean inwardly winced. He wanted to berate Jay for giving the game away, but couldn’t really blame him. He had caused this situation in the first place. If Jay’s parents hadn’t cottoned on, April certainly did. “He hasn’t said anything,” she said, ceasing her pacing and facing him. “He doesn’t need to. Do you think I’m stupid?” she added with unnecessary force as though she expected to hear his opinion on the subject. She took a deep breath and glanced around. “Fuck you, Dean. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Don’t get near my brother or me again. He’s on his way home and I just want you to stay the hell away from him. Even if he comes to see you, you stay away or so help me I’ll do more than crush your testicles in a vice. I will castrate you.”
* * * * *
The car died. It just gave a jolt and died. Luckily, the street was fairly deserted and Jay managed to stop without getting in anyone’s way. He then tried restarting it, looking under the bonnet, even though he didn’t have a clue, and then tried his cell phone, only to find power, but no signal. Worse still, his battery was low, and even if he got in touch with someone, it wouldn’t be much of a call. His car, April’s gift and so recently serviced by Dean, had died on him and he was still a good seven miles or more from home. He locked up the car, turned his face out into the night and started walking.
* * * * *
“Where’s my brother? Is he with you?”
After April’s earlier visit, Dean threw a few things around, swore at the top of his voice, locked up and headed on home, only to spend the last hour procrastinating, not doing much of anything. He was contemplating what to eat and drink, together with what movie to watch, and whether to greet the New Year later by masturbating, when the phone rang. Several words hovered on the tip of his tongue, though he didn’t know which one to go for first. He fought the inclination to swear at her, but something in April’s voice filtered through to him. Some sense of urgency. “I haven’t seen him for over a week. You know that. What’s wrong?”
“He should have been here by now. No one has seen him and I can’t get through to his mobile.”
Jay’s phone was so old and he dropped it so many times it was a wonder the thing worked at all. “You’ve called all his friends?”
“What do you think I’m doing now?”
He could hear the exasperation in her voice. “I mean, do you have many more to go?”
A pause came down the phone as weighty and thick as the snow currently falling. The world outside gave the appearance that they were in for a belated Christmas. “No, actually. A lot of them are here. I invited them to my party.” The implication that she purposely hadn’t asked him didn’t escape his notice. “I didn’t think he would be round at your place, not really. He said he would speak to me before seeing you again.”
She really didn’t have to go to such lengths to explain. Dean felt no surprise to hear he was one of the last people she called. As to the other thing she said, so it was true; Jay really meant to come see him despite everything. That explained April yelling at him and warning him off. Dean tried to play out that particular conversation between the siblings in his head. Alas, he could imagine it all too easily. “Finish calling them. I’ll come round and we can hit the streets, visit a few places he tends to hang out.” Again, there came that hesitation, only this time it lasted so long he almost snapped that her party could tick along without her. Jay was more important. Then April breathed a soft sigh.
“All right.”
In truth, the party probably wasn’t foremost in her mind. Despite her acceptance, Dean didn’t like to think that she had trouble accepting his help even in this. Had he really behaved that abominably? Was he really so arrogant he needed to ask?
* * * * *
A hard, firm pressure grasped and fondled his arse. Dean almost flinched, but then, not wishing to be a laughing stock, he moved away rather more calmly than he felt. The guy who was so obviously interested, flashed him a smile. Dean allowed a small smile to touch his lips and shook his head, no, sorry. Thankfully, although the other man looked disappointed, he obviously wasn’t one to push things and moved away, giving Dean little backward glances as he walked off. The guy was good looking, but the idea that he had any interest in him made Dean feel sick to his stomach. Sweat broke out on his forehead, partly due to the difference in temperature as compared to the quickly freezing landscape outside, and partly because of the admiring glances from other men. He was glad to see April finally making her way towards him through the crowd. She shook her head and indicated the door with a small, sharp nod.
His stomach clenched for other reasons. When they started searching, the worry levelled off to a slow simmer. Obviously, he’d felt a little concerned, but honestly, he’d expected Jay to turn up at any minute. He still hadn’t arrived home and the weather grew progressively worse. Self-assurances that they were worrying for nothing grew steadily thin in contrast to the amount of snow that fell and now lay thick in their part of the world. He resolutely swallowed down his unease. Panic helped no one.
They didn’t even try to speak until they practically fell through the door of the club back out into a white world.
“The barman knows him, so I thought I’d ask, but he’s not been in tonight.”
The idea that Jay frequented even one gay bar was a revelation. What else didn’t he know about him?
“You al
l right?” April gave him a funny look as they crossed the street and made their way back to his car. He ignored her until seated within. He might have said nothing but her gaze was unwavering.
He was feeling sick for two reasons, but he chose to talk about the lesser anxiety. A brief mantra kept going through his mind telling him that Jay was fine. He clung to the certainty even though he didn’t entirely believe it. He couldn’t share it with April for fear of worrying her more. Even worse, he couldn’t stand to see the look in her eye that said she found it difficult to believe he could be this worried. If she smirked at him because he was worried sick over Jay, he would punch something, or throw something, maybe knock a few hard dents into the car. He never turned to violence. Usually his size meant he never needed to. Right now, all kinds of frustration threatened to get the better of him. “Some guy back there just grabbed me.”
A smile tugged at her lips. “So I saw.” She studied his face for a moment. “What about it?”
“It made me feel sick.” Her brow lifted a little as she digested this. “I’m a hypocrite,” he added, just in case she failed to get the message.
April turned her face away and gazed out of the windscreen. Inside the car, it felt strangely muffled and isolated. The world no longer seemed to exist outside and, if he didn’t clear some of the snow soon, everything out there might disappear from view. He looked at her profile and noted just how much alike she and Jay looked. It had never occurred to him before, but in actuality, they were rather asexual in appearance, as though they could swap genders on a whim.
“Dean,” April said, still not looking at him, “has it occurred to you that you aren’t interested in men, but that you might be interested in Jay?”
He blinked. The thought never crossed his mind. How could it? How could one feel that way about one person of the same sex? He shook his head. “That’s not possible.”
“So you don’t think you love him?”
Her question made him turn his gaze away. He stared at the steering wheel, gripping it so tight his knuckles turned white. His hands were freezing. He should have brought gloves. “I like women,” he said, for no particular reason.
“Is that to convince me or you? You like women, yet, you like fucking my brother. Or at least, it seems like it.”
They hadn’t spoken so openly about this and, even though he knew April was aware of it, to hear it so clearly from her lips made his stomach churn. Even his bowels suddenly felt weak. He shook his head. “It’s not possible. No one can love a person despite what they are. I don’t believe it.” He paused, searching for an explanation, some justification. “Maybe I’m projecting,” he finally declared. “Maybe I’ve just projected my feelings from you to your brother. You do look so much alike.” It sounded perfectly reasonable, though he didn’t know what Freud would have said on the subject.
“Fine. We can cure that.”
“What?” Her voice penetrated his brain slowly, as though required to dispel a thick fog first. The sound of clothes ruffling, of buttons opening, fasteners popping and zips lowering, filled the small space. April opened her coat and currently worked on pulling down her trousers. “Stop it. Are you crazy?” He put a hand out as though to stop her, but then jerked it back, afraid to touch anything he shouldn’t.
“Why? You want it, I’m offering. I could just give you a blowjob in the front seat, of course, or maybe I should climb in the back.” April glanced through the gap between the seats. “I don’t know how we’ll fit, but if I get up on my knees ...”
“April, stop it!” Anger edged into his voice easily.
“What’s the problem? You have an itch and I’m offering to let you scratch it. Give it a couple more minutes and no one will be able to see anything.”
The snow was now three quarters up the sides of the front windows and they were in shadow. It was unlikely anyone would take the time to peer into the car, if they even noticed it was occupied. You would be crazy to be out on a night like this unless you were heading for somewhere warm nearby. That reminded him that they still didn’t know what had happened to Jay. They should get going, but April wasn’t finished.
“If you fuck me, then maybe you’ll get it out of your system and leave ... my ... brother ... alone.” At last, her anger also seeped out and explained the real reason behind her actions.
Dean turned his head just enough to look at her. His gaze wandered up and down, taking in the wisps of hair that protruded around the woolen hat she had jammed down onto her head, her wide staring eyes, the hard set of her jaw, the bundled up clothes that somehow lent to the asexual image due to their practical purpose. Not that he thought anything of that; she would be crazy to be out in anything other than practical clothes tonight. A patch of bare skin stood out from where she opened her clothing. She wore pale blue undies with some sort of pattern on them. He’d once seen April in a vest top, knickers and socks, and found it oddly sexy. Tonight, all he could think of was Jay out there somewhere alone. He turned the key in the ignition and started the engine.
“We have to find your brother,” he said simply. What he kept out of his voice was how much he meant it.
* * * * *
Jay walked, head down, hands stuffed as deep as they would go into his pockets. A brisk pace kept him warm for the most part, but in the last couple of miles, even that hadn’t helped him. In fact, he was slowing. He could feel his strength expiring as heat leached through the top of his head and he rather wished he had one of April’s silly hats with him, or anything, come to that. Gloves would be good and a thicker scarf. He was going to end up with pneumonia. He should have called April back at the services, but his phone still wasn’t working and it was only then that he realised he didn’t have any money. Well, there was a note stuck in his wallet but no change and by the time he found somewhere that would change the note, he also discovered second thoughts about calling April. She had given him the car and she would feel bad enough about it breaking down. It was important he play the whole thing down, but he now wasn’t sure it was worth dying for.
He should have done many things differently, but another couple of blocks would take him home. Surely, he could make it that far. Despite the fact he had walked for two hours, and managed to make it almost all the way home before the snow really started falling, he was beginning to worry. He could hardly feel his fingers and his toes, and what he could feel, hurt. How cold did it have to be before you lost extremities to frostbite? He couldn’t remember, but he was sure he once read that it didn’t have to be as low a temperature as everyone assumed. The wind bit through him.
He stumbled and went down on one knee as he turned the corner into his road and he held back the cry though no one could have heard it. The wind whistled. Bright lights beckoned behind some windows. Others were dark, the occupants probably out celebrating. Shock more than pain made him cry out, but he didn’t want to think about the bruise that had to be forming. Trying to push up from the ground, he put his hand on a large patch of ice and almost yelled again. He pulled back sharply, his skin giving a strange kind of tug against the frost. The comical image of someone’s tongue stuck to ice came to mind but right now, he wasn’t laughing. He also felt something sharp, but it became lost in all his other aches and pains. He hurt. There were no two ways about it. He shivered so much his muscles tied into one continuous knot that went all the way through him. He ached from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. Survival came down to one focused thought. He needed to walk the remaining two hundred yards to home without falling over or passing out.
Chapter Thirteen
“Where the fuck have you been?” Admittedly, they weren’t the first words Dean intended, but he wasn’t having a good night.
Earlier, April glared at him ready to bitch when she realised he kept her spare key but he flatly refused to give it over so that left him keeping vigil while April checked out a last couple of possibilities. Dean, gazing out of the window, thought that he saw someone enter the buil
ding, but the view was restricted. In the falling snow, shadows had fooled him twice already and the angle was far from perfect. Still, he listened for footsteps on the stairs and pulled the door open just as Jay made it to the landing. A fleeting look of surprise crossed Jay’s face and then his friend just blundered into him. If Dean thought he’d been having a bad night, Jay just bettered it.
So many questions filled his mind, but Dean ignored all of them. He grabbed Jay and despite a muffled protest, lifted the other man into his arms, kicking the door closed behind them. He dithered for a moment and then took him into the living room. There, he sat Jay on the sofa and started to remove his clothing. There was nothing sexual about it, and Jay made no protest. He didn’t even seem to be aware of him and Dean clicked his fingers in front of Jay’s face to make sure his eyes were capable of focusing. Jay gave him a glance, but said nothing. If he wanted to gripe, he was surely incapable of it, for he just let Dean take care of him.
“You’re bleeding,” Dean said, as he first removed the jacket and looked at Jay’s hand.
“I think it was glass. Broken bottle. I fell at the corner.” The words emerged slowly, but thankfully, not slurred. Dean gave the cut a quick examination. The small wound was nothing serious, but would likely sting like hell once the warmth in the room began to seep into him. As if in reply, Jay made a soft sound of complaint. Dean, now pulling off his shoes, looked up at him in question.
“Everything’s burning.”
It would be. Jay was surely so cold that even though the flat was only a mild temperature, it would feel hot to him. Snow encrusted in his hair now melted and ran down his face. He looked bedraggled, frozen and bloody. Dean pulled off his socks and examined his feet. He didn’t think there was anything wrong with them.
“Jay. Jay, stay with me.” Dean gave him a slight shake. While he was distracted, Jay closed his eyes and swayed in the seat. His eyes opened on command, but it seemed to take effort. “I should take you to the hospital.” He meant it, but he didn’t know how long an ambulance would take, and he wasn’t even sure one was warranted. Of course, he didn’t intend to play with his friend’s life, but he was thinking of something more immediate. If he did something wrong he would hate himself and have to live with it, but he didn’t think Jay would stay awake long enough to get him help. “Jay, I’m going to run you a bath. Cool to start with. We’ll gradually add hot water. We need to warm you up but slowly. I’ll only be gone a few seconds so stay awake. Okay?” He waited for Jay’s nod, and then got up and jogged down the short hallway. Bursting into the bathroom, he began to run the bath, mostly adding cold water. Then he ran into the kitchen and put the kettle on to boil.
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