Blank Space

by Francis Gideon

  But holding the guy's hand in the middle of a Star Show? That wasn't the kind of cosy Curtis—or anyone in this arrangement—was probably looking for. It had been a mistake. A random blip in his attention. He wondered, vaguely, if he could have claimed he was asleep or that he had thought Curtis was Kayla. Instead, Adrian said nothing and let the subsequent silence eat at him worse than the parasite in the box girl display's gut.

  After the Star Show, everyone seemed pretty groggy. They took the girls outside so they could play along some of the playground equipment just outside the museum while Curtis offered to pull the van around. Once in the vehicle, the girls chatted among themselves while Adrian and Curtis listened to nothing but traffic reports as they tried to manage their way through a collision on the 401 highway and more construction elsewhere.

  "Construction? In winter?" Curtis complained. It was the first thing he'd said with any emotion whatsoever since Adrian's faux pas during the show.

  "I know, right? Ridiculous. In Canada, there's only two seasons: winter and construction. Why are they ruining it?" Adrian tried to sound equally outraged, but none of his words felt genuine.

  Curtis fiddled with the radio again. Adrian slumped down in his seat. Nothing ever did feel genuine anymore, and he knew that was half the problem.

  "Darcy wants to cook everyone dinner," Curtis said when they finally got through a barrage of cars. He glanced down at his phone, balanced precariously on his thigh. "Simone's invited too. I think it's probably good to have everyone around, you know?"

  "Sure. That sounds great. Let me text Simone and we'll get it together." Adrian perked up with the promise of more time together. Maybe he could say he was sorry to Curtis, and get away without really saying what the apology was for.

  "No worries—I can text her." Curtis tapped his phone. "I have her number now, remember?"

  "Yes," Adrian cut in, "but you shouldn't text and drive."

  Curtis twisted his face, then conceded. "Fair point."

  As Adrian's fingers went over the keys, he had a feeling it was a minor victory in the scheme of things. At least our kids our quiet, too. He turned to see everyone but Lacey now asleep. Lacey held up some dolls Curtis had thrown in the back for her, twisting them by their arms to make them dance. She couldn't seem happier.

  Dinner sounds fantastic! Simone wrote back right away. I didn't have a chance to do anything after the showcase, so this is wonderful. Tell Curtis and Darcy they are wonderful. I'll be over in a bit—taking our car.

  Adrian wrote back a quick okay, then turned to Curtis again. He tried to smile, but it trembled a bit on his face. "Yeah, she's good. Looking forward to it."

  "Good." Curtis narrowed his eyes at the traffic, especially as another traffic clog began. When they came to a nearly full stop, Curtis turned around to spot their kids. He grinned. "Hey. At least they're quiet, huh?"

  "Yeah," Adrian said weakly. "I was just thinking that."

  *~*~*

  Adrian was quiet during dinner. Simone spent most of the time talking, as did Darcy, since they'd had a full day and wanted to either rant about how ridiculous surprise sex baby showers were, or celebrate success showing a house. Curtis reiterated most of the good parts of the Science Centre, including the sneezing display, but he mostly allowed the girls to fill in their mothers. Simone and Darcy made all the right interested noises, asked the right questions, and commended both Curtis and Adrian for their efforts.

  "No worries," Curtis said. "We should pitch in every so often. Only fair, right?"

  Both women nodded, and so did Adrian. He still felt the ball of anxiety in the centre of his chest from before. He was sure Curtis was acting quieter, but it could have just been the busy day. Curtis was just tired after an outing like this with three kids.

  "It's a big deal," Darcy mentioned. "A lot of work."

  "Mmmhmm," Adrian agreed. By the time they were done their meal, all the girls were zonking out at their seats.

  "Kayla can nap in Sierra's room," Darcy said, "if you two want to hang around some more."

  "Actually," Curtis said, getting up from his seat. Adrian could feel Curtis's gaze on him before he even said his name. "Do you mind if Adrian and I cut out? Just to relax without the kids for a bit?"

  Adrian let out a small sigh of relief. He had been so worried that Curtis would ask them to leave—but no, Curtis's eyes were wide. He gave Adrian a weak smile and motioned behind him to where his spare room was.

  "Yeah, of course," Darcy said. She glanced at Simone. "I don't mind if you don't?"

  Simone waved her hands in the air. She grabbed a glass of wine and clinked it to Darcy's. "It will be nice to be just us two for a bit. Girl talk for guy talk."

  Curtis gave another small smile, before his gaze fell on Adrian again. Shall we? seemed to be uttered between silent glances. Adrian got up from his spot, said another couple thank yous to Darcy for the meal, and met Curtis at the other end of the hallway.

  Adrian had been in Curtis's spare room more times than he could count on two hands, but each time he went in, he knew it would look different. There would always be a few more CDs or LPs, different arrangement of posters from their youth, a new piece of discarded furniture or new line music Curtis attempted to learn when he couldn't sleep at night. He had told Adrian that he used to play when he was about fourteen, but had never really given it a valiant effort. Now that their kids were older, it seemed like the best time to try and learn guitar again.

  When Adrian stepped inside this time, he spotted some of the old posters he had donated to Curtis's room. He touched the edges of the Ramones and the Cat Stevens LP that was on the top of the pile.

  "Oh, man. I'm so glad you still have these."

  "Why wouldn't I?"

  Adrian shrugged. "No reason. I just sometimes forget that they're around—they never did look good in my office—so I get happy when I see them again."

  "You should get your own music room."

  "I should," Adrian said, "but right now, space's is at kind of a premium in our townhouse."

  Curtis nodded before he laid out on the long, worn couch. He ran a hand through his closely cropped brown hair and sighed. The only other place in the room to sit was a crappy desk chair tucked into a crappy desk that had a bunch of old guitar magazines on it. Adrian wandered over to the stereo and trailed his fingers through the CDs.

  "What do you want to listen to?" Curtis asked. He rubbed a hand over his eyes, again, clearly tired. Nerves bloomed within him, so he tried to focus on the music.

  "Don't know. Trying to figure it out." He spotted the red and white case of Radiohead's The Bends and held it up with glee. "This. Definitely this."

  When Curtis grinned a little at his choice, Adrian felt better. He slid on the CD and then, failing all other options, finally took a seat in the crappy desk chair. "Planet Telex" came on and for a while, the two of them relaxed as familiar music passed between them. This is why I like music, Adrian thought. It gives you something to do when everything else seems too heavy. They could always talk about Radiohead or Nirvana or even some of the newer music that was coming out if he and Curtis fell on awkward lapses in their conversations; that was exactly how the two of them had started to talk again after years of silence. Adrian had posted a video he really, really liked as his status update on Facebook and Curtis had been the first to comment. Gotta love AWOLNATION, he had written. Have you heard this track?

  After that, they had bounced YouTube videos back and forth for weeks, until Simone had finally just kicked Adrian to ask him out. Not like that, of course. Simone knew their past, and that it was gone.

  Adrian sighed. He put down a magazine he had been glancing through and worried his lip. "So, I know this may sound completely ridiculous, but I think I may have found a show for us to go to."

  "Oh, yeah?" Curtis's eyes were still closed, but Adrian thought that was more to do with the fact that "High and Dry" was playing than anything else. "Why would that be ridiculous?"


  "Because it's a Radiohead cover band. Called The Tourists, actually."

  Curtis snorted. He glanced back at Adrian. "How did you hear about them?"

  "That client I mentioned a while ago, actually."

  Curtis paused for a moment—again, Adrian tried to think it was just because of the guitar solo he knew Curtis liked in this song—before he asked, "The cute one?"

  "Oh, right. Yeah. It's his brother's band. He gave me the flyer and I forgot about it until now. The song reminded me."

  Really, Adrian had wanted to ask about the show for a while now, but he couldn't find the right time. It was always so much easier to ask Curtis out to a show in text messages or on Facebook, like they had before. Adrian still always felt like he was bothering Curtis, overstepping some kind of boundary and rekindling a relationship they should have let go. That I have let go.

  "What do you think?" Adrian asked, trying to keep his mind off the past. "I know it sounds cheesy..."

  "No, actually I think it sounds neat."

  "So do you want to come with me?"

  "Obviously," Curtis said with a laugh. He glanced back and eyed Adrian. "What day?"

  "Um. I think about two weeks from now at the Hard Luck Bar. You know, near Chinatown?"

  "Oh, right. Total dive bar. That's great, actually. Kind of like the old days."

  "Yeah, that's what I was hoping for."

  Curtis closed his eyes again and leaned back to listen to the music. When "Just" came on, even Adrian got into the song for a while and forgot about the past; he even forgot about what an idiot he had been earlier today. He tapped his fingers along the crappy desk, and just let go.

  "What are you doing over there?"

  "Sorry." Adrian stilled his fingers.

  "No, I mean... that desk chair is terrible. I'm kind of taking up the couch, but the floor's probably better. Here." Curtis sat up on the couch and swung open the door, revealing more guitars, drums, a lot of LPs and band shirts, and pulled a blanket down from the top shelf. He tossed it onto the ground near him and gave Adrian a genuine smile "It's gotta be way comfier."

  "Definitely."

  Adrian moved to his new spot, using the blanket mostly as padding against the floor and harder bits of the couch. This close to one another, away from most of the light now, Adrian couldn't help but think of the Star Show again. From the way Curtis stiffened, Adrian knew Curtis hadn't completely forgotten it, either.

  "I'm sorry about before," Adrian finally uttered. He bit his lip awkwardly, hoping he wouldn't have to explain. There was a definite pause in the room where Adrian swore Curtis wasn't breathing anymore.

  "It's okay," Curtis finally said. "Just awkward, you know?"

  "Yeah, I get it." Adrian wanted to say look but don't touch, so they could both be on the same page. But that was a rule between Darcy and Curtis. It seemed odd, almost rude to bring it up between the two of them. It also seemed way, way too forward when Adrian wasn't even sure what they were doing. He was just so happy to be wanted again, to be in Curtis's life, that he didn't want to fuck it up with additional expectations.

  "Bullet Proof…Wish I Was" soon finished playing and blurred into the quiet and rather sad tones of "Black Star." Adrian realized he had forgotten about this half of the album. With most of the singles out of the way, there were only the sadder songs that faded into one another until "Street Spirit" confronted them at the end of The Bends. Curtis's breath seemed to linger on the edge and Adrian anticipated the worst until Curtis suddenly spoke in the middle of the song's chorus.

  "You never finished your story from before," Curtis said. "When we were on the phone."

  Adrian felt relief run through him. Thank God. He was wanted—and they would do what they had on the phone again.

  "About the guy? The video?"

  "No. You're first time with a guy."

  "Ah." Adrian's back stiffened against the couch. Curtis laid back, his head at the opposite end from where Adrian rested against the floor. They didn't look at one another, but their voices, Adrian was sure, gave them away. "There's not much left to that story, really. It was at a house party. I was drunk—I was drunk for most of the first fucks I had."

  "How many have you had?"

  "A few," Adrian laughed. "Like I said, I thought I had to be drunk to do it, so my memory is kind of hazy. I lost track until I realized I just had to find someone I was comfortable with to fuck, then I could remember it all without problems."

  Curtis nodded slowly. Even in the dark, Adrian could see him pause. Adrian hoped that Curtis knew he hadn't been hammered for any of their times together. Never. He wouldn't do that to Curtis. There was no way for Curtis to know, but he had been one of the main reasons Adrian had gotten clean and sober, no longer getting hammered at punk shows to be bent over in the back. After he met Curtis, he could go see a band, have fun, and maybe even do something else without regretting it in the morning. He could go out and want to remember it again in the morning.

  "So you were hammered," Curtis said. Adrian's cock twitched at being urged on. He shifted against the couch and placed he blanket over himself, just in case.

  "Yeah, I was at a party. I saw this guy, and he was really attractive. Tall, broad shoulders, and had a few days' worth of stubble that had formed the beginning of a nice beard. He talked to me like I was some chick, but hey, I really wanted him so I went along as he pulled me into the back room. The fuck... man, it hurt a lot and it wasn't that good. But the memory of it was really good, if that makes sense? Just the fact that I had been fucked. It was a thrill."

  "Yeah, I get that. It's like music, you know? It's like a polaroid picture of a time period that is fun to live through because of the music, not because it necessary happened."

  "Yeah, actually. I like that analogy. I'm also pretty sure The Talking Heads—or was it The Flaming Lips?—were playing as I was fucked. I remember because at one point, I had my head against the wall after leaning on the baseboard. It hurt so bad I thought I couldn't take it, so I just stopped breathing, and I heard the lyrics of 'Once in a Lifetime.' Yeah. So it was The Talking Heads. They made the whole experience a little better. I remember laughing after I realized what was playing, then I moved into the fuck. It was good after that."

  Curtis laughed a little. Then, in the small quiet that followed, another urgent question. "Has it ever been good?"

  "What? Sex?"

  "Yeah, but anal. Have you ever had a good time being fucked? Without music urging you on?"

  Adrian nodded, then remembered they were in the half-lit spare room, pretending not to look at one another. "I have. For sure. Music's just a fun bonus, you now? But oddly enough, the best fuck I've probably had was Simone."

  Curtis sighed. He seemed disappointed. "So you fucking her ass?"

  "No, actually. She's... she's fucked me that way."

  "Oh," Curtis said, letting out a low breath Adrian swore he could feel on his neck. "Wait. What? How exactly?"

  "Toys, Curtis. They are a wonderful thing." Adrian chuckled awkwardly. He shifted again on the floor, his ass going numb from being perched so tensely. Deep arousal bloomed in his belly and his cock strained against his jeans. Fuck. He liked thinking about this so much—and he wanted to tell Curtis about Simone and her treasure chest of sex toys—but he felt so tactless with Simone down the hall. It's not like she could hear it, though. And it's not like she's in the vulnerable position—I am. He bit his lip, still half-unsure if this was an okay action.

  "Do you want me to tell you what that was like?"

  "Sure," Curtis said quietly. "But only if you want to."

  "Sure, it's just between us. Doesn't really matter outside this room…. So. Simone has a lot of toys, one of which is a strap-on. She had it long before we dated, actually. You know she used to date women, right?"

  Curtis paused before he nodded. He may have known, Adrian figured, but it was an easy thing to forget sometimes. A lot of people did with Simone. And him, really. Bisexuality—no matter who was
part of it—always seemed to be forgotten about, especially after marriage.

  "Well, she had it for a couple of her exes. But when we first moved in together, she unpacked it and I knew I wanted her to do it to me. It took a while for me to get the nerve to approach her about it, and really, I think she asked me after I had stared at it for so long. I don't really remember."

  "So what do you remember?"

  "Oh, well," Adrian smiled, liking how deadpan and serious Curtis's voice was. "She was good with it. It looked odd at first—this huge purple cock out of this small woman—but then she was prepping me and all concern fell away. She was so fucking tender at first, kissing my lower back as her fingers slid in and out. But as soon as she was inside of me, she knew how to work her hips. God." Adrian paused again. In a lapse of music, they both seemed to wait to hear what was going on down the hall. Adrian felt his cock twitch, then guilt seize him. "Maybe…Maybe I should stop for now. I feel bad talking about this when she's so close."

  "You don't need to. Like you said, it's just us. We're just talking in this room. But if you want, you can just tell me about you. Not Simone. If you're comfortable." Curtis shifted on the couch. Adrian wished there was more light so he could see more of Curtis. He quickly thought again and learned to appreciate the dark. In the dark, things were a lot easier to get away with; Curtis could be doing anything this way.

  "I'm comfortable if you are."

  "I am," Curtis whispered. "So, what did it feel like? To have her fuck you?"

  "Good. But like, it's pressure, you know? It's pressure that you have to lean into in spite of everything. At first, you sometimes think it's just not going to work. It's too much pain, they're too big and you're too small, but you have to breathe. Then you have to push. Relax. It gets good after you learn to relax and move with the other person. And then, when your prostate is hit, you can tolerate the pain and stretch. Even if you feel it the next day."