by HELEN HARDT
Ripples of fire blazed up his arm as she continued to stroke him. His cock hardened to granite inside his boxers. Thank God for the covers.
“We could have that life now. The one we used to talk about. Do you remember?”
Remember? Those memories played like an epic movie in his mind. Over and over again. God, yes, he remembered.
But he didn’t nod. He still said nothing.
“You haven’t denied that you love me.”
Of course he hadn’t. He couldn’t.
“Could you say it, Jeff? Please? Just say you love me. I need to hear it.”
His lips trembled. The words formed on his vocal cords but stayed lodged in his throat. If he said it, if he let those three little words out, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself. He’d grab her and kiss her—God, the memory of her kisses still brought him to his knees. Then he’d make love to her. He wouldn’t be able to stop himself.
So he had to stop now.
He stayed silent.
One solitary tear dripped down Mia’s smooth cheek, glistening in the moonlight streaming in from the window.
She turned and left.
How he’d wanted to take her in his arms.
But he couldn’t. He just couldn’t.
He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to.
She’d apologized profusely the next day for her wanton behavior. Yes, she’d actually used the word wanton, his Mia. The few times she’d brought up their relationship since then, he’d lied to her that he still couldn’t forgive her betrayal, as he had this morning.
Truth be told, he’d forgiven her as soon as he’d moved onto the ranch. He’d forgiven Wayne too. Problem was, one person still existed whom he couldn’t forgive.
Himself.
* * *
He still loved her. Maria knew it with all her heart. But something was keeping him from her. He’d gotten close to Angie, to Harper and Catie, even to some of the other folks around town.
Yet he still couldn’t forgive her.
Well, could she blame him? She hadn’t wanted to seduce Wayne and pass off Angie as his child, but she’d been eighteen and penniless, from a modest—okay, crappy—part of town. She’d felt she had no choice. Between a rock and a hard place. What else could she have done? Angie had deserved better. Truly, she had done it for Angie and not herself. That was the God’s honest truth, no matter what Jeff insisted on thinking.
She’d done the right thing by inviting him here to live. He had nothing, after all, and what had been Wayne’s was rightfully half his. He was doing the job of two men around here, according to Harper, and he was good at it, seemed to enjoy it.
Seeing him with Angie warmed her heart. They were becoming close. Would they ever have a true father and daughter relationship? She didn’t know, but she hoped so. They were gaining ground every day. Angie had forgiven Maria, and she’d forgiven Jeff as well.
Why wouldn’t he forgive her?
She cringed as that fateful night surfaced in her memory. What a fool she’d made of herself, prancing into his bedroom after dark, wearing a flimsy negligee. He’d rebuffed her advances, and she didn’t blame him. It had been one big mistake, and she’d hated herself afterward. Not because she didn’t want to be with him, but because of how she’d gone about it.
She’d tried to seduce him.
And that reminded her of how she’d seduced Wayne all those years ago.
She’d been a fish out of water then, and nothing had changed. She was no seductress. Wayne had fallen for it all those years ago, but he’d been a young man of twenty-six.
Jeff was fifty-four now, and he wouldn’t fall for such antics.
Perhaps he never would have fallen for it. Wayne had been a good man and a good husband and father, but he wasn’t Jeff. Jeff had an inner strength and courage that Wayne had never possessed. Maria had seen that even when Jeff insisted on rebelling against everyone and everything.
He’d paid a horrendous price for those years. Now he could have the life he’d always wanted. They could have the life they’d always wanted. Why was he fighting so hard against it?
She sighed. She’d give him more time.
She had no choice.
* * *
Thirty-Three Years Earlier
“When can I see you again?”
The words were music to Maria’s ears. “Any time you want.”
“You’re so beautiful, my Mia,” he’d said after their last kiss. “I’ll pick you up after school tomorrow on the bike.”
Maria hugged her pillow close. Her skin prickled, and a tickle rose between her legs. All they’d done was kiss—and they’d kissed a lot today—but she felt like she’d given more of herself to Jeff Bay in one afternoon than she’d given to Greg in the last two years. What was it about him?
He was bad news for sure. Of that she had no doubt. Bad news, that is, for everyone but her. He would never hurt her. She was one hundred percent blood positive about that. This man would never harm her in any way.
She drifted into slumber still feeling his lips upon hers.
* * *
“What the fuck do you want?”
Wayne Bay pushed past the door and stepped into Jeff’s small apartment. “Grandpa’s sick.”
Jeff scoffed and rolled his eyes. “You think I give a rat’s ass? After what he did to me?”
“You’ve been a jerk, Jeff. He had every right to disinherit you.”
“And that works out just great for you, the golden boy, doesn’t it?” Jeff took the last drink from his can of beer and tossed the empty into the overflowing trash can in his tiny kitchen. It clattered to the floor.
“I want you to go see him.”
Jeff raised his eyebrows. “Yeah? Well, I want my inheritance back. We don’t always get what we want, do we?”
“If you’re nice to him, show him you care, maybe he’ll write you back in.”
Right. Like his brother cared. Right now he got the whole enchilada. “Fat chance.”
“You’ll never know if you don’t try.”
“Don’t care if the old man’s got a sniffle, okay?”
“It’s not just a sniffle,” Wayne said. “He has pneumonia.”
Jeff quelled the anxiety that rushed into his stomach. “Yeah? I hope he coughs up a lung.”
“He’s at Riverdale Hospital outside Grand Junction. It’s really serious in a guy his age. He’s not getting any younger.”
Damn it! Again, he pushed the feelings of worry deep within him. “The asshole’s too mean to die.”
Wayne shook his head. “You’ll never learn, will you?”
Jeff stood and walked Wayne to the door. “I’ve learned all I can from that old fool. I’ve learned exactly who I don’t want to be when I grow up. You take your inheritance when he dies. See if I care. At least I’ll go to my own grave knowing I didn’t kiss some old geezer’s ass to get mine.”
Wayne left, still shaking his head.
Jeff opened another beer, took a drink, and then spit it in the sink. “Goddamn you, Norman Bay.”
Jeff had only had one beer, and he poured the second one down the drain. He grabbed his leather jacket and his motorcycle helmet and left the apartment, sneering.
As he rode toward the hospital, he cursed himself for going. Yet he didn’t turn back. He rode all the way to the hospital and went in. Visiting hours were surely long over, but he didn’t care. He checked in with the front desk and asked what room Norman Bay was in. Then he walked to the elevator and headed up.
The man looked fragile, lying in bed sleeping. Jeff didn’t try to wake him up. Just stood and stared at his grandfather. Weak and old, the man had wrinkles marring his once handsome face. His gray hair, once as thick and bushy as Jeff’s own, was thinning. Sheesh, he’s not even on oxygen. Can’t be that bad. But a part of his heart hurt. Those anxious feelings of fear for the old man’s life crept up again. And he hated himself for them. This man had disinherited him. Practically disowned him. Had basically s
aid, “You aren’t fit to be my grandson.”
Well, so be it.
In spite of himself, he was glad Grandpa looked okay. He wasn’t in the ICU or anything. He’d be fine.
Of course he would.
Jeff walked quietly out of the hospital room and down the hall to the elevator.
He didn’t want to go home.
So he didn’t.
Chapter Five
How? How do I make myself whole again?
Even if he could afford counseling, a decent therapist in Bakersville didn’t exist. He’d have to go to Denver, and that was an hour drive each way. His old truck didn’t have it in her, and no way would he ask Maria to take him. Plus, he didn’t want to miss the work. He was no charity case, damn it. He’d do a hard day’s work to pay for his keep.
The nightmares weren’t the main thing. They were coming less and less. He’d been out two years, and now they only surfaced about once a week instead of every night. That was progress, right?
He didn’t have post-traumatic stress disorder. He didn’t have the symptoms. No, that wasn’t the problem.
He knew what the problem was.
He had to forgive himself. For rebelling as a young man and making such terrible decisions. For taking the fall for Max and going to prison. He’d felt he had no choice at the time after Mia’s betrayal, but he’d been young and stupid. He hadn’t been able to see past tomorrow. But God, he’d lived through three decades of tomorrows behind bars. So not worth it. If he’d had it to do over, he’d have just gotten over Mia and moved on with life.
“Ha!” He laughed out loud. Get over Mia and move on with life? Here he was, thirty-three years later, and he still wasn’t over her.
But at least he would have been a free man.
And he had to forgive himself for not helping the innocent inmates who were brutalized almost nightly in prison.
If he could forgive his grandfather, and Wayne, and even Mia…why was he having such a difficult time granting forgiveness to himself?
He was a good man. He hadn’t always been a good man, but Mia had inspired him. He’d been ready to go straight for her. If only he hadn’t made that last bad decision… He’d let vengeance get in the way of what he knew was right. It had cost him everything.
He’d become a good man behind bars. He’d learned pride in his work and the satisfaction of a job well done. He’d learned empathy and the value of friendship.
He was earning his keep now, that was for sure. It felt damn good. Hard work was good for the soul. And so was honesty and a job well done.
But he wasn’t whole yet.
And Maria deserved someone whole.
* * *
Thirty-Three Years Earlier
Tap.
Maria jolted in her bed.
Tap. Tap.
Her mother worked the night shift at the local convenience store. She was alone in the house except for her little sister, Meghan.
The tapping was coming from outside, against her window.
She looked at the clock. Only ten. It was early yet. Who could it be? Her neighborhood wasn’t the best, but the neighbors watched out for each other. If anyone had seen anything suspicious, the cops would have been called.
She peered out her window.
“Oh!”
She stared straight into the handsome face of Jeff Bay. Her skin tingled. In the moonlight, with the silver highlighting his dark hair, he looked like a god. Already her skin tightened and the place between her legs throbbed.
She opened the window. “What are you doing here?”
He smiled his lazy grin. “I missed you.”
Her breath caught. He was beautiful. “That’s…nice. But it’s really late, Jeff, and my little sister—”
“I won’t wake her up. Can I come in just for a minute?”
“Why didn’t you go to the door?”
“I didn’t want to wake up your mom.”
“She’s at work.”
“Oh. Well, no problem then. I’ll go around to the door. Meet me there.”
This is so not a good idea. But Maria’s feet walked her to the door and her hands turned the knob and opened it. She wanted to see Jeff. She wanted to kiss him some more. She wanted to…
He grinned at her. “Nice jammies.”
Oh, God. Her cheeks warmed. A cotton T-shirt a size too small and bikini underwear—what had she been thinking not pulling on some clothes before going to the door?
“Excuse me.” She cleared her throat. “Go ahead and get yourself a drink in the kitchen if you want. There’s soda in the fridge.”
She hurried to her room and pulled on a pair of shorts and a larger T-shirt. Quickly she returned to the kitchen.
He chuckled when he saw her. “I liked the others better.”
“I’m sure you did.” He hadn’t gotten anything, so she grabbed two cans of cola out of the fridge and handed him one. “Here you go.”
“Thanks.” He popped the top and took a drink. “My grandpa’s in the hospital.”
“Oh. I’m sorry. What’s wrong?”
“Pneumonia.”
“Is it serious?”
“Serious enough to put him in the hospital, I guess, but he’s not in the ICU or anything. He was sleeping comfortably, as far as I could tell, when I saw him.”
“That’s good.” She wanted to comfort him but didn’t know what to say.
“We’re not really that close.”
Maria didn’t know much about the Bays—only that their parents had died a while back and they lived with their grandfather. Both Jeff and his older brother were grown now. Still, to have the man who’d raised you sick and in the hospital had to be difficult.
“I’m sorry.”
“He disinherited me.”
She lurched forward. “What?”
“He wrote me out of his will. His big cattle ranch goes to my brother, Wayne. I get squat.”
How awful! “Oh, Jeff…”
“Now don’t give me a big pity party.” He took a drink of soda. “That’s not why I came over.”
“Okay. Then why did you?”
He shrugged. “I…I don’t know. I just wanted to see you.”
She shivered. His dark gaze cut into her, stripped her of everything—her clothes, her inhibition, her good sense. “You hardly know me.”
“I know. Weird, isn’t it? I just met you today, but I feel like I’ve always known you. Like I always want to know you.”
He felt it too? She smiled and her heartbeat quickened. She resisted the urge to go to him. “That’s sweet.”
He took another sip of cola and edged toward her. “Don’t you feel it too?”
God, yes. “I… Well…”
He reached toward her and stroked her cheek. Fire erupted in her loins.
“You’re so beautiful, Mia.”
“Th-Thank you. So are you.” So are you? Really? God, I’m an idiot.
“I want you.”
She swallowed the lump that appeared in her throat. “You what?”
“Want you. I want to make love to you, Mia.”
Her pulse stampeded. “You…”
“But I’ll leave if you want me to. I mean, I didn’t come here to…force myself on you or anything.”
“Oh, I know that.” And she did. In her soul she knew he’d never hurt her. How? She wasn’t sure. But she knew.
“Do you…want me to go?”
Meghan was fast asleep. Mama wouldn’t be home until morning. And Maria’s bedroom door had a lock on it…
“I… I don’t know.”
“Well, you can think about it.” He set the can of soda on the counter. “But I do want you. I want you like I’ve never wanted anything.”
Her skin tingled. Her tummy fluttered. God, she wanted him too. More than she’d ever wanted Greg or anyone else. More than she wanted chocolate ice cream—her favorite—at this very moment.
She nervously took a sip of her own drink. It bubbled in her throat. The sug
ary aftertaste lay on her tongue, but it couldn’t compare to the memory of the sweetness of Jeff’s lips on hers.
Her nipples hardened under her T-shirt. She squirmed. Was she going to do this?
She knew the answer before she asked herself the question.
She would give her virginity to Jeff Bay—a man she’d known for less than twenty-four hours. The decision was crazy and impulsive and completely irresponsible.
But it was right. So right.
She knew nothing about taking a man to bed, but she didn’t care. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it in her own. Without uttering a word, she led him to her bedroom.
Chapter Six
Maria stood at the sink in her big country kitchen, peeling apples. Homemade applesauce for dinner tonight, along with pork chops and fried rice and onions. The combination had been one of Wayne’s favorite meals—good old comfort food.
She needed a little comfort right now.
Maria was worried. She bit her upper lip as she worked with the fruit, and stopped when she tasted the metallic flavor of her own blood on her tongue. Harper said Jeff had been working every day and seemed fine, but something gnawed at Maria. Even though he resisted coming to the main house, Jeff had shared a couple of meals a week with Harper and Amber at their table since he’d come to the ranch. He hadn’t been there lately.
Something was wrong.
She jumped when a throat cleared behind her.
“Ouch!” Her paring knife sliced into the palm of her hand. Blood gushed from the cut as the pain lanced into her.
“Mia!” Jeff rushed toward her. “What happened?”
Tears formed in her eyes. Just a cut, for God’s sake. Yes, it hurt, but she’d had worse. Why was she crying? “I… You startled me. I cut myself.”
“I’m so sorry. Here—” He took her hand and held it under the faucet.
The cool water stung at first and then soothed the smarting pain.
Jeff rummaged through drawers until he found a towel. “Let me see,” he said. “Not too deep. You probably don’t need stitches.”
“Stitches? Oh, for goodness’ sake, it’s just a little cut.”
