Choosing the wrong one might destroy my options with the other. After some consideration I chose the mestizo girl with the big bunda and massive lips; she was the one I’d be sitting next to for three days, but it would be hard to game here inside a tight, quiet jeep with seven people in it.
The first day we went to see a train graveyard where we took lots of pictures together. We drove over the blinding salt flats, took the usual funny pictures and visited a salt museum. Around lunchtime we stopped at a place named Isla del sol or something similar. It was like an oasis in the salt desert, except that instead of palm trees this one had some rocky hills and lots of cactuses.
The cactuses were massive and it reminded me of my childhood. Whenever I visited my grandparents I would always have a look at my grandfather’s greenhouse, which was filled with thousands of cactuses. He died when I was in India in the summer of 2008. It was near the end of my group trip and I made it back to Holland in time for the funeral but was so incredibly sick that I couldn’t even make the two hour car ride there. It was one of the saddest days in my life. During this trip my grandmother had died too, and of course I couldn’t attend her funeral either. Travelling is great but at moments like these it really sucks to be away from home.
At night we stayed in a small village and I asked the hot Brazilian girl to watch a movie with me. She agreed, but although we’d been kind of cozy all day, she gave me the cheek turn when I wanted to kiss her. That kind of sucked, because I was left wondering why she would be a bit cuddly during the day, agree to see a movie with me while everyone was in their rooms and then not have kissing in mind. I was right; she was just being very friendly with me. She damn well knew that I was after her but yeah, what you can do?
On the second day we visited several places, like giant lakes flashing all kinds of colors, a viewpoint and some special natural landmarks. We spent the night on the high plains of Bolivia, where the temperature gets below minus twenty degrees Celsius. There was some kind of a “guesthouse” there with a couple of dorm rooms. There was one other group and after dinner we all sat around the stove. It was freezing and I went out to find some firewood and when I came back everyone was applauding me for finding something to heat up the room with. I had given up on spending the night with the Brazil girl and we went to bed. Everyone was sleeping with their clothes on and even gloves and hats. I just slept in my underwear because I still really wasn’t that cold.
The morning after, we visited some lakes with lots of pink flamingos and the famous geysers in the south. We took a bath in a natural hot tub heated by geysers. It was really cold when undressing but it felt like paradise when in the water. The Brazilian girls had super sexy bodies and I had to be careful not to let my tongue hang out and drool too much. I couldn’t wait to go to Brazil and slap asses like that all day.
The girls went across the border to Chile that morning and we said goodbye and promised to meet again in Rio de Janeiro.
The Uyuni salt flats were one of the highlights of my journey and a truly beautiful place to visit. I recommend them highly to anyone reading this.
A couple of hellish and backbreaking bus rides later I ended up in Santa Cruz, Bolivia’s second biggest city and home to the most beautiful Bolivian girls. There’s no great secret as to why: it’s close to the Brazilian border and most of the hot girls there were Brazilian students. I went out two nights in a row to a club but had massive trouble with the language barrier and cursed myself for not having studied Spanish more before arriving in South America and while being there. The hotel I was staying in was a cheap dump, not really fit to bring a girl over. However, I did bring one Bolivian girl over and had sex with her, but there’s not much to say about that. After a few days there I moved to yet another country that had always interested me: Paraguay.
Paraguay – Asunción
The ride from Santa Cruz to Asunción took almost twenty–five hours and wasn’t cheap at all. It was clear that gasoline costs a fortune in Paraguay, which is weird because that didn’t seem to be the case in other countries just next door.
There was a large group of football supporters on the bus. They came all the way from Ecuador and were on a five-day bus ride to see just one match. Those were some truly dedicated football fans. Most of them were really nice guys and they behaved pretty well for a bunch of hooligans. They invited me to see the match with them, but I had already set up a date for that night through the Couchsurfing website and she looked pretty hot in her profile pictures.
Paraguay was supposed to be the second-poorest South American country, but with the local prices that wasn’t really noticeable. I paid fifteen dollars for a bed in sixteen-people dorm room in one of the only hostels in the city. It was a nice place in the center, but pricy. Still, so long as you’re warned, I recommend the Black Cat hostel to anyone going to Asunción.
One of my eyes was fucked up and I was scared that I’d got pink-eye, which can be a STD. Maybe that Bolivian slut in Santa Cruz had given me some disease or I got some bacteria in my eye during the long bus ride I took to get here. For the next week I was walking around with a thick red eyelid that slowly went down. I wasn’t the only one in the hostel with that problem. One of the English guys I met there had the same thing for months and even had to have it operated on in Argentina.
That night I went out with Rosie, the girl I’d met on the travel website. We met in an Irish pub in the Paseo Carmelitas area, a street full of (lounge) bars and discotecas. Unfortunately she brought two other travelers who slept at her small apartment with her. One girl was from the Czech Republic, but contrary to what’s generally assumed about all Czech girls she wasn’t hot; the other girl was from Venezuela and she was a looker. I had a choice of three different flags to conquer. The girl from Czech Republic had a skinny but reasonable body, but also a boyish face with short feminist hair so she was dropped first out of the selection. The Venezuelan girl was hot but on her period or something, couldn’t get many words out of her and she seemed grumpy.
So, there I was sitting with three girls around a small table. I got the usual question about how I got the money to travel for such a long period of time without working. The Czech girl was especially curious about it. I’ve been asked this question a million times before and already had a whole array of evasive but funny answers. At that time I used to say I was a bank robber.
The conversation went something like this:
Girl: “So, how did you get the money to travel for so long?”
Me: “I’m a bank robber.” (said with a smile )
Girl: “Haha. No, seriously, how did you earn your money?”
Me: “I told you, I rob banks.”
Girl: “No, that’s not true, you are not a bank robber. Why won’t you answer me?” (persistent bitch)
Me: “Do you know what a bank robber looks like?”
Girl: “Eh, no, but eh, you didn’t rob a bank.”
Me: “So if you don’t know what a bank robber looks like, how can you say that I’m not one?”
Girl: “Hmmpf.” (Starts talking to her grumpy friend.)
The actual conversation was a bit longer but this sums it up pretty well. I didn’t give a damn about her opinion or that she was grumpy: the Paraguayan girl found it very amusing. Normally I answer this question with “bank robber” or “Bandido” (which has a double meaning in South America – it means bandit, but also player). Sometimes I say “pirate”, or in Brazil I’d go “Vagebundo de Holanda” – which means something like wanderer/tramp/hobo from Holland – which makes for instant laughs. It didn’t work well with this Czech girl but normally it does.
If I get the money question from a guy or girl I don't like, I normally say, “You know, in my country it’s very impolite to ask someone about his money after just meeting him.” (It actually is and people in Holland don’t like to talk about money in general.) This embarrasses them and shuts them up most of the time.
When I use the whole bank robber/bandido/pirate/vag
abundo answer, it usually makes for a laugh and creates some mystery around me because I’m not giving some boring answer straight away.
Anyway, back to the story. After a few rounds of drinks the cock-blocking began. The Czech and Venezuelan girl started complaining about being tired and how they wanted to go to sleep. I thought this would be the end but Rosie gave them the keys to her house and said “Ok, just take a taxi to this address”. I was really surprised by it but now realize that I’d built some attraction between me and Rosie. I was helped by a woman in the pub who danced and acted really crazy. She was insane. Most of the people in the bar were laughing – they weren’t even looking at the band anymore, just watching her dance up the stairs, walk around and give smoldering looks. She must have been on drugs. She gave me a flirty look and Rosie noticed. I made some jokes about her but secretly I wanted to fuck the shit out of this woman. She must have been around thirty-six years old, was dressed in a very short and tight dress that showed lots of cleavage and you could see her panties many times when she danced on the stairs. She had high heels on and nice firm legs. Damn, I wanted her, and so did all the rest of the guys in the bar pretending to just find her funny.
After a while I said to Rosie, “Let’s go to a club”, and we walked over to a dance club very close by. Rosie drank some more Caiperinhas and I went easy on the beer. We danced to reggeaton beats and I kissed her on the dance floor.
Rosie was a short girl of Paraguayan/Arabian descent. What a mix! She had very long thick curly hair and a very attractive body type with all the right curves.
We left the club and went looking for a hotel to sleep at because she didn’t want to go to her apartment. The other two girls were there and it would make her look bad to take a guy home on the first night – especially since they’d met me and couldn’t stand me, and had even said I was crazy. She said she knew some place but after a lot of banging at the door and ringing the bell, still no reaction. It was already daylight and the fact that Rosie was quite drunk became a bit annoying.
We found a cheap hotel, I think it was called Hotel Miami, but even though the sun was coming up they still asked a full thirty-five dollars for the night. Since we were only going to spend a few hours there and had already spent quite a lot of money on drinks and taxis, I didn’t want to stay there and we got into a small argument. At one point I was willing to go home alone and ditch her, but I thought about that rare Paraguayan/Arabian flag and pushed her to take me to her place. Her not knowing where the fuck-hotels were kind of made me feel better about her.
We took a taxi to her place and quietly walked in; the two girls were sleeping on a mattress on the floor and the Venezuelan girl’s beautiful legs were showing. They woke up and gave me a death stare. We went into Rosie’s bedroom and Rosie was super-afraid of making a noise. We took our clothes off and I saw that Rosie had an amazing body. She was only twenty-two years old and had fantastic breasts and one of the firmest, roundest asses I had seen in my life. The sex was pretty good even though we had to be so quiet.
The two girls left the next day and I stayed with Rosie. She invited me to stay with her for the next five days but in the short time I was at her house I had already noticed that she was very particular about a lot of things. She was very precise about where things went and about keeping things clean. I’m kind of similar, but she was a bit too grumpy about it.
I would still have stayed with her, but the pressure of scoring more girls to get to my goal of eighty was too great. We exchanged numbers and I went back to the hostel. Over the next few nights I made up excuses to her about how I was going out with hostel friends, but actually I was going out alone, though I couldn’t score a girl in those nights. The language barrier was quite high here.
At the end of the night I would call Rosie to see if I could stay with her and she always said yes. This happened a few times and Rosie started to become annoyed about it (can’t blame her), saying that I only came to her house to fuck her – which was just partly true. I also liked her quite a lot, despite the over-protectiveness of her things (like I would break stuff at other people’s houses) and how she was afraid of making noises for the neighbors.
I went to meet up with another girl from the travel website and was horribly late because I kept getting lost on the buses. I met the girl (name forgotten) who took me to a nearby bar-restaurant, where I met her five girlfriends. Keeping six girls entertained wasn’t easy but I managed to do it. A few spoke decent English and even had Dutch (ex) boyfriends.
After a few drinks some went home and the three girls who were left and I went dancing. I could see that the shortest of the bunch liked me and I got her phone number. She was part-owner of a liquor store and I picked her up there a few times, I even got a free bottle of the local booze. We went for drinks and I kissed her on the first date. I went out with her about four times and we had some heavy make-out sessions in her brand new car. Her clothes came partly off but no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t seal the deal with her. She was obviously looking for a serious boyfriend, because that’s all she’d ever had before. She said she’d been a virgin till the age of twenty-seven and had only had two boyfriends, who were both foreign. She was thirty now and getting pretty desperate to land a serious boyfriend, especially with so much younger competition around. She had a very good body with a small but killer ass and a smiley face. Unlike most of what I’d read about Paraguayan girls I found them very attractive, but those were mostly the whiter ones from European (mostly German) descent.
I’m pretty good at sniffing out a liar, but I had the feeling she was telling the truth. We talked quite a lot about sex and I got her very horny, but her strong principles kept me from banging her. No need to worry about blue balls, though, because I could always see cute Rosie after. Was I a bastard for using her like this? Yes, I probably was, but at the time I didn’t care much.
One funny thing about Paraguay, at least for me, is their national flag. It’s a red, white and blue striped flag with a round symbol in the middle of the white stripe. But half of the time the symbol isn’t on the flag, which makes it 100% identical to the flag of my country. Paraguay was celebrating their bicentennial anniversary and there were flags everywhere. It almost looked like I was walking around in Holland. Even the governmental buildings had the Dutch flag on them.
Asunción’s a strange, mixed-up sort of city. For example, close by the government palace there was a small slum I was warned was dangerous after dark. Another strange thing I saw was a park in one of the big city streets with people sleeping in tents and self-made shelters. Rosie told me they were a kind of gypsy.
I had stayed over a week in Asunción and really enjoyed it there. It’s definitely not a cheap city but it won’t break the bank either. I’d also gone out with several girls besides the two I mentioned and flirted a bit with a Brazilian girl in the hostel.
There was a cute German girl in the hostel. I first saw her when I went for some food in the kitchen and she was sitting there reading a book. She was wearing a low-cut black dress and, obviously, the first thing I noticed were her giant breasts and her big red lips. It was hard to miss either of them, and they looked spectacular. Her body was full of tattoos just like the Brazilian girl. Her name was the same as a German pin-up girl/woman who happened to share the same qualities, but let’s name her Mylo for now. She always saw me running around the hostel being busy setting up dates and when she found out I was planning to write a book about my naughty adventures she became very excited about the idea. One time I was walked out of the shower and saw her bra hanging to dry on a drying frame and it was so big I just had to make a joke about it. I mean you could almost house a complete village under there. Mylo laughed and I flirted a bit with her. I could see she liked me but I couldn’t figure out in what way.
On one of the sparse nights I actually slept in the hostel after going out yet another time, I walked into the dorm and saw she was still awake and already in her bed. We exchanged a few words a
nd said goodnight. As I was getting ready for bed and undressed I saw her peek over to me and wondered what to do. I sat down and gave it one final thought: should I walk over and just ask her if I could stay over in her bed or should I just go to sleep? I decided against it to avoid awkwardness if things didn’t work out, lay down and closed my eyes. For the next half hour I twisted and turned and thought about cuddling up with her and to warm each up a bit. Of course, warming up starts with kissing. It was too late now and I regretted not pushing through my last doubts. I’m pretty sure she would have said yes.
There were only a few bus rides a week to Montevideo in Uruguay. I finally left on a Friday, staying three days longer then I’d planned.
Uruguay – Montevideo
The trip to Montevideo should have been a nice one. The ticket for the 26-hour ride was really expensive but it was the most luxurious bus I had ever been in. Instead of having 2 rows of 2 seats with an aisle in between, it had a row of 2 seats and a row with just one, each as big as a couch. I was looking forward to relax a bit after all that banging, drinking and going out in Asunción.
But after just one hour the brand-new bus broke down and we had to wait nearly two hours for a mechanic to show up. He replaced the v-snare and we moved on. Half an hour later it broke down again and after another hour wait we had to change bus to a shit one. Luckily there weren’t that many people on board. Normally I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about a delay in a bus ride, but this time I wanted to be in Montevideo on time. I would arrive on a Saturday afternoon and I wanted to buy a local SIM card and look for info on places to go out.
Around the World in 80 Girls: The Epic 3 Year Trip of a Backpacking Casanova Page 39
