by Ally Derby
“What?”
“The phone wasn’t the problem. You weren’t the problem. You still aren’t the problem. Use it. I trust you a hundred and ten percent.”
~*~
The day before New Year’s, I am taking down the tree. I don’t want Yolo to tear the thing down and ruin the old memories attached to them or the new ones from Christmas Eve.
Just as I put the last one in the storage bin, Dad walks in.
“You leave at six tonight. You’ll be fine, and you can come back whenever you want. You just have to sleep there and be there if anyone comes to check on you,” he tries to reassure me.
“I’m going to pack my bags, I guess.” I frown at him, my heart breaking just a little.
Before he can say anything else, I run to my room along the ever so familiar path. I open the wooden door, the floorboard creaking as I step onto the threshold board, the same as it always has. Then I walk the rest of the way in and collapse on my bed in the way I always used to. The bookshelf is covered in dust, as are the pictures, and my closet is full of clothes that most likely don’t fit me anymore.
I open the old, dusty closet doors and pull out my biggest duffel bag. I try on my old denim jacket, and I’m grateful when it still fits. I almost think about bringing it with me for comfort and to remember that night under the stars with Pax, the boy who seems to truly want to be my friend. Man, I should have wished that I could use that wish later on. That would have been the smart thing to do. Maybe. But then I remember what else happened that night.
I pull the jacket off as it suddenly feels like it’s sticking to my skin. I throw it across the room, and it flies away from me just like everything did for me in the aftermath of that fateful night that changed my life forever.
I pack the rest of my bag with clothes that look decent enough and some things that I don’t want to end up like the other things in this house. I throw The Hunger Games series into the bag along with my Bible, my Eeyore pillow pet, and the most recent family photo I can find where Mom is smiling. She was so beautiful when she smiled. Dad is fake smiling, though he’s trying to be convincing. I’m smiling.
This is my real smile, teeth and all. I can’t remember the last time I smiled that real smile before Christmas Eve night. After I think about it, it was that nightmare of a night. Everything leads back to that night.
I cram some more clothes into my bag, then look toward my clock. Five fifty. Ten more minutes until I have to leave what little comfort I have gained while being home.
I run downstairs and sit on our porch swing to wait, and it’s ridiculous how quickly those ten minutes go by. As Dad walks out and sits next to me, I see it in his eyes: he’s going to mess up again.
“Dad. Please try. I need to be here. No, not here, I need you.”
“I will, Hads.”
Soon enough, the black Cadillac Escalade pulls into our driveway, and then Bee’s mom is stepping out of the driver’s seat, “Are you ready to go, Hadley?”
“Yes, Mrs. Cruz,” I say as I stand.
“Thank you for this,” Dad says to her.
“It’s temporary,” Mrs. Cruz says to him, her eyebrow rising slightly, and then she gestures for me to get in the car.
Dad gives me a hug, grabs my bag, and walks me to the vehicle where he opens the door, puts my bag inside, and then I get in.
We pull out, and I watch as he waves good-bye to me.
“So, Hadley, our house rules are pretty simple. No swearing unless you have a reason. No fighting unless it is needed, not that fighting should ever be needed. No arrogance; no one in our house is any better than the next person. And that would be it.” She tells me these on the drive to their house on the outskirts of town.
“Thank you, ma’am.”
“We have four bedrooms. My husband and I have one, as do each of the kids. Then there’s the spare bedroom that you’ll be staying in. It has a bed, nightstand, a dresser, and a nice, big closet. The bathroom you’ll be sharing with Beatrice is to the left of your room and to the right of hers. I believe everything in that room is ready to use and will be comfortable. You should feel right at home.”
“Yes, ma’am,” I mumble. Temporary home, I think.
We don’t speak for the rest of the ride. When we arrive at the house, she parks her car in the garage, and then we walk in the side door next to the stairwell that leads to the bedrooms. She shows me around and then takes me to my room.
“I’ll let you get settled in.”
It has a bookshelf, dresser, ceiling fan, bed, and the walls are painted bland beige. I fall onto the bed like I used to at home, even though it’s nothing like home. Then again, I guess I don’t know where home is anymore. Home is supposed to be with the people you love and the people who love you. Dad was supposed to be the person who loves me as much as I love him, but he won’t sober up or get off his narcotics so I can be in his custody.
I slowly put my clothes in the top drawer of the dresser. After I finish that, I set my duffel bag down next to the bookshelf, then lie on the bed with Mockingjay. Even though I don’t think I should indulge, I do.
I open up to the page with an index card on it that says, ‘Property of @TheFierceFangirl, a.k.a. Hadley! If found without a book, just throw out. If found in a book, return to Blue Valley High, locker 92!’
I start to read, and as I turn the page, I read about Prim’s death. Oh my god, why can’t anything be good?
I guess this scenario represents how my life has been and will be. Once things seem to be moving forward, something bad happens, like the fact that I am sleeping here instead of home.
When I’m called to dinner, everyone else is already at the table. I am handed a plate of food that I peck at, barely eating a thing as I avoid looking at Bee.
After I’m excused from dinner, I go back to the room and flop onto the bed again. Right now, I feel like tomorrow is going to be a worse punishment than juvie.
~*~
I wake to someone shaking me, “Please, Hadley. Please wake up.”
I open my eyes to see Bee, who immediately starts crying. I sit up and wipe the tears from my own face before she hugs me.
“I’m staying. Move over.”
“It’s not necessary,” I say, embarrassed.
“Is so.” She moves under the covers. “What was your nightmare about?”
“I read about Prim’s death, and I guess it gave me nightmares.”
“Uh-huh,” she says as if she doesn’t believe me. “Goodnight, Hadley.”
“I’m sorry she’s gone.”
“She did it. You didn’t. Go to sleep. We catch up tomorrow. Whether you like it or not, I’m here.”
“I see that,” I say, trying to get comfortable.
She giggles softly, which is interrupted by a yawn. “Goodnight.”
“Night.”
chapter nineteen
Missing her but….
It’s New Year’s Eve, and I want to go home, but I think it would hurt Bee’s feelings, and I have done enough of that.
I walk down the stairs, hearing her on the phone.
“Just come over,” she whispers loudly. “Well, plans change Sky.” She pauses. “She’s acting weird, but what do you expect?” Again, a pause. “Well, she was accused of it. Doesn’t matter that we know it wasn’t her fault; she went through hell. Suck it up, buttercup, and come over. If you don’t, I am so changing my status on Instagram to suckiest person at sky-dot-da-dot-limitless.” She hasn’t changed a bit, I think to myself. “Blah. Blah. Blah. I can’t hear you. You’re breaking up.” She must have hung up. Then I hear her groan.
She walks into the kitchen as I finish making my way down the stairs and walk in.
She is sitting at the island. “New Year’s Eve, Hadley. What do you want to do?”
“Sleep,” I say, looking away.
“Nope. Try again.”
“Go home, but I can’t,” I answer honestly.
She frowns. “Sorry about that, but w
hile you are here, we are gonna make the best of it, which means we’ll eat prime rib tonight. Oh, and you and I are gonna have a Harry Potter movie marathon. Whoop-whoop”!”
“And what were you going to do before you were burdened with me?”
“Well, I was gonna eat prime rib and have a movie marathon. Whoop-whoop”!” She laughs.
“Bee?”
“Hadley?”
“You don’t have to put yourself out for me.”
“You are my friend. You lost her, too. Then you lost—”
“Please don’t.”
“Okay,” she says with sincere sadness in her voice.
“I have a stomach ache. I’m gonna head back to bed. Wake me up when the whoop-whoop begins.”
She smiles, “Sure will.”
~*~
I wake up to horrible cramps, and I cry into my pillow as I pull my knees to my chest. I have no clue what is wrong with me, aside from the fact that I haven’t eaten the entire day. Actually, I haven’t eaten much at all since I got here.
I get up to use the bathroom, and when I look down, I realize why the cramps.
“Shit.”
I clean myself up as well as I can and wash out the washcloth, making sure there is no evidence. I look under the sink to find a packet of pads. I read the instructions on the box and begin crying as I think Mom would have loved this moment. Then I laugh silently because it sounds ridiculous. But she would have. She so would have.
When I walk out, feeling like I am wearing a damn diaper, I see Bee stripping my bed.
I gasp. “What are you doing?”
“Laundry.”
My face turns red when I wonder if I had stained the comforter. “Why?”
“New year?” She laughs as she walks out then yells over her shoulder, “Sheets and blankets in the hall closet.”
I grab them and then make the bed, even though it hurts like hell. Then I walk back into the bathroom to look for pain reliever. I grab the Advil and take two then go lie back down, curling into the fetal position as I cry softly. God, I miss her so much.
We spend the night watching TV. Whoop. Whoop.
I am in pain and in bed by eleven thirty, when I hear something outside and walk to the window.
I can’t help being shocked as I lift the window and lean out. “Are you crazy?”
“Shh,” he says, as he walks under the porch. I see his fingers grip the edge of the roof. Then he pulls himself up, and his leg swings up onto the roof. In seconds, he is walking up and climbing in the window.
“You are insane.”
“That’s debatable,” Pax says, blowing into his hands. “It’s snowing, Hads. Did you see that?”
“No. I think I may have been in shock while the ape climbed the porch and into the window.”
“Ape?” He smiles. “Not nice.”
“Well, monkey seems a bit small to describe …” I stop when he chuckles again, and I realize I am checking him out.
“Do continue.” He smirks.
I scowl at him as I feel my face flush. “Maybe I should have said donkey.”
He smiles as he sits on my bed. “Aw, funny girl.”
“You’re gonna get me in trouble, get me kicked out and sent right back to—”
“Won’t let that happen,” he says, kicking off his boots and then shrugging off his jacket before he pats the bed next to him. “Have a seat.”
“What?” I nearly choke out the word.
“Look, I head back to college tomorrow.”
“I thought you had longer breaks at school.”
“I took a winter session.”
“Why?”
“Would you believe me if I said it’s because I hate college?”
“I would find it odd, but well, you are kind of odd.”
“The more classes I take, the sooner I finish. He wants me to be a doctor like him. I promised him I would finish school, but I didn’t say I would stay in pre-med. I never wanted to be a doctor.” He flops back on my bed.
“Pax?”
“Yeah?”
“You are going to get me in—”
He grabs my hand and pulls me down next to him.
“You aren’t doing a damn thing wrong, so you better just chill out. The stress you’re releasing into this world over nothing is insane.”
I start to sit up, but he throws his arm across my stomach, stopping me.
“I’m not leaving, Hads. Besides, we have an eve thing going on, you and I.”
“An eve thing?”
“Christmas Eve, New Year’s Eve … I didn’t want to disappoint you by messing that up, so I blew off a big ass party to be here. You should feel honored.”
“Honored?” I am so confused.
He shrugs and sighs out, “Any other girl around here would find it an honor.”
“You’re weird.”
“You’re weirder.” He rolls over, propping his head on his hand and resting his elbow on the bed.
“You should be with your friends.”
“I am.” His eyes sparkle as he looks at me. “You know me better than anyone around here.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Neither do I, Hads.” He closes his eyes as his jaw muscles flex. “Maybe it’s because you smell so good all the time.”
“Wow.” This is awkward.
He opens his eyes and smiles. “You do. It’s weird.”
“You’re making me uncomfortable,” I tell him.
“How so?”
I shake my head and shrug, while all sorts of things race through my thoughts. Um, you said I smell good. Then you sneaked in my window and you made me happy.
“I’m not trying to. I just happen to like you. I think you are kind and genuine. And …” He smirks and laughs uncomfortably. “You smell good.”
“Weird,” I say quietly.
“Familiar.” He rolls to his back and stares at the ceiling. “It’s nice here, huh?”
“Yep. Except…” I stop myself.
“Spill it.”
I don’t speak and he grabs my hand.
“Spill it.”
“Have you been drinking?”
He laughs. “What?”
“Have you been drinking?” I try to pull my hand away.
“No, I haven’t, but right now, I wish I had. And if this makes you uncomfortable—”
“It all makes me uncomfortable,” I say honestly.
“Why?” he asks, letting go of my hand.
“Pax, I feel like I am going to throw up.” God, he makes me nervous, so very nervous.
He sits up, “Are you sick, Hadley?”
“No, not until about ten minutes ago.”
“You want me to leave?” He looks hurt.
I hesitate.
“If you want me to leave—”
“I don’t.” I scrunch my eyes closed as tears come.
“Please don’t cry. I’ve been high on your smile and your laugh for a week now. I’m leaving tomorrow, so I need more laughs and smiles to get me through the semester, Hads. Please don’t cry.” He wipes away my tears.
“I’m gonna hurt you.”
“Not unless you push me away and stop being my friend.”
“You’re going to hurt me,” I say, immediately regretting it. Why, oh, why do I speak? Ugh!
“No, Hadley Asher. No, I won’t.” I open my eyes to find him scowling. “Regardless of what you think, I never want to hurt you or see you hurt.”
“Pax…” I shake my head. “I’ve had a really bad day, and—”
“Talk to me; tell me all about it. I want to know everything.”
I don’t want him to know everything. I don’t want to hurt him. I want him to go away, but I want him to stay.
“I got my period today.”
His jaw drops; he closes his eyes tight; and then he shakes his head. “Okay….” he says then starts laughing out loud, really loud.
As I slap my hand over his mouth to keep him quiet, his eyes pop op
en, and he laughs again.
“It’s not that funny, Pax. Jesus.”
“Why the hell did you tell me that?” He laughs softer now.
I shrug.
“Did you think it would make me leave?”
I scowl. “Maybe.”
“Didn’t work. Try again.”
“I cried about it.”
“I’ve seen you cry. It doesn’t push me away; it makes me want to comfort you,” he says smugly.
“I cried because my mother would have loved to be here when it—”
“Oh, my God, was it your first peri—”
I smack my hand over his mouth again. “Shut it, Pax.”
He pulls it away, “Aren’t you a little old for that?”
“How would I know?” My voice squeaks.
He pulls his phone out of his pocket, and I look to see what he’s doing. He’s Googling periods!
I snatch the phone out of his hand, “Cut it out.”
“You started it. You were trying to push me away. I’m a better guy than that, Hadley Asher.”
“Or you’re just crazy, Paxton Jamison.”
“Could be that, too.” He lies back down and sighs. “Do you need me to go to the store and get—” I smack his stomach, making him chuckle as he holds my hand firmly in place. “I had to when Lana got hers. Sondra was a freak show.” He looks over at me. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m so sorry she’s gone. I—”
“I know, Hads. Me, too. And I’m even sorrier I pressured you to continue being her friend when she was a little snot to you.”
“It’s a girl thing,” I say, as I relax.
His hand links in mine again, and then he raises our hands to look at his watch. “Two minutes to midnight.”
“Then it won’t be an eve thing anymore,” I say on a yawn.
He rolls over on his side again. “I’ll leave right after if you want.”
I shrug. “If I didn’t scare you away or scar you a few minutes ago, you deserve to stay.”
He smiles. “Would she really have liked it?” His nose scrunches up.
“She kept my baby teeth.” I smile, and he smiles back. “She loved being a mom. She couldn’t wait to see the little human grow up.”
