I had half a mind to just turn around and go wait for Jodi and Steven outside of the French room, but I couldn't stand the thought of being run out of my place in school. I had been here nearly three years and that was where we spent lunch, who was this guy to think he could just scare me off? Arrogant bastard! My anger was feeding my resolve and pushing the memory of the Jensen in my dream out of my head. I found myself storming the rest of the way to our spot and, ultimately, to Jensen.
"What do you want?" I demanded without preamble. His back was to me and he was looking past the chain link fence out to the parking lot. I had hoped that I had taken him off guard this time, but when he didn’t jump or spin around I knew I hadn't.
"To work out that better impression I promised you," he said smoothly as he turned to face me, his hands in his pockets, looking for all the world like a very self-assured male model. I glowered at him. "Oh, not here, no. I thought we could go out?"
"Thanks, but I'm all set," I said coldly.
"I see, so your dance card is so full you just can’t fit in one date?" He was trying to tease me, but it was just coming across as sarcastic and that's not my definition of charming.
"Yep, pretty much," I said, both eyebrows raised. "You may go now." I stepped around him and dropped my bag at the roots of the tree, turning again to face him, my arms crossed protectively over my chest.
"You know, most people give others more than one chance."
"And most people don’t spend their first chance trying to make others feel totally uncomfortable and acting ridiculously creepy." Ha! Argue with that!
"Well, that really wasn’t what I was going for, so I guess, if that's how I came across, I apologize." Damn him.
"Apology accepted. See? I can be gracious. So if that's everything?" I wanted to sit down and bury my face in a book, but the only book that was left in my bag was my journal, and he'd learned enough about me last night. I watched his face. He was thinking about something again, maybe measuring his chances, I didn’t know. And now that I had put the idea that he was a warlock in my mind, all my primal instincts told me to keep him at arms length.
"Ok," he nodded just like last night and started to leave, “for now.”
"You say that a lot." I couldn’t help myself. He just smiled at me. It was the first natural smile I had seen him give and a thousand butterflies erupted in my stomach and a warm flush passed over my face. Damn him. He left without another word. I guess he liked leaving on a high note. As much as he cared about that first impression, he really did leave quite an impression every time.
Days passed and Jensen didn’t try to bother me again. Occasionally he’d throw me a smile or even a wink when he’d catch me looking his way, but he didn’t press for that date. It was just as well because Mike seemed to hear about our meeting in the bookstore and didn’t like it. As a matter of fact, quite a few people knew about the bookstore. I knew just who to blame for that.
“I swear! I didn’t say a word to anyone but Steven,” Jodi said on the way to school Friday. I glared at Steven through the rearview mirror.
“Neither did I!” he protested defensively.
“Then explain to me how so many people know!” I shifted hard, causing the engine to roar loudly. “I had Melissa corner me the other day in the bathroom asking me what exact shade of blue his eyes were and then Tracy asked me if I wanted to discuss the differences between him and Ian and then Mike came up--”
“Hey! That must be it!” Steven cut me off.
“What?” Jodi and I asked together.
“Tracy.”
“Oh, I bet you’re right…” Jodi said thoughtfully, turning to look at Steven.
“Mind filling me in?” I asked irritated.
“Tracy,” Steven repeated. “Jodi was telling me about the bookstore when we were in Art and Tracy has that class with us.”
“Ugh, and that’s the thanks I get for helping her,” I said a little angrily.
“So, what about Mike?” Jodi asked teasingly, but I could hear a slight edge to her voice.
“Oh, dude, you thought he looked like I kicked a puppy last time? You should’ve seen him yesterday,” I said, shaking my head. “He ran into me in the halls, when I was running that file to the office for Madame Beaumont and he asked when Jensen and I started dating.” They both broke out in laughter, but I didn’t think it was all that funny. “Then he practically demanded that I go to my locker right there and give him back his away jersey.”
“Dude, when you break up with a guy you don’t go easy, do you?” Steven razzed me.
“Oh, I’m not kidding. There I was trying to explain to him that it was just a coincidence that we happened to be in the same bookstore at the same time and I might as well have been talking to a wall for how receptive he was,” I continued.
“What do you care what Mike thinks?” Jodi asked.
“It’s not so much that I care what he thinks, but I do care that he feels like I betrayed him, even though he really has no right to feel that way,” I added, more for my benefit than theirs. “But even still, I’m not a bitch.” Steven nearly choked on his smoothie at that. “Ok, fine, I’m not that much of a bitch to make him feel like the reason why I don’t like him is because of another guy,” I amended.
“Oh yeah, tell him you don’t like him because he’s a stupid, boring jock, that’ll make him feel better,” Jodi said sarcastically and I was horribly reminded of the fact that Jodi had always had a crush on Mike and obviously hadn’t forgiven me for him liking me over her.
“Obviously I wouldn’t do that,” I said a little coldly as I parked the car, slamming the door a little too roughly when I got out. “My point was that I didn’t want to hurt his feelings at all, I wanted to just let him down.” Jodi didn’t seem to be listening anymore so I just stopped.
“You could tell him you’re a lesbian. Then he can’t get mad at you,” Steven said with a big grin on his face.
“If he thinks I’m dating Jensen, that won’t work.”
“Shay, you’re dating the new guy?” Crystal asked as she suddenly appeared next to us in the wave of students entering the school. She looked completely awe-struck as she looked at me.
“No! No! Crystal, that’s not what I said!” I tried to explain quickly, but she was shuffled away from us in the press of bodies and I didn’t think she heard me. She just kept glancing back at me with a smile until she found a couple of other girls we knew and bent her head towards them. I had the sinking feeling that I was the topic of discussion. “Oh no…” I groaned miserably. I heard Jodi and Steven snickering together at my despair. At least Jodi was no longer glaring sideways at me. “Oh shut up, you two!” I snapped, shoving Steven sideways into Jodi, but they just erupted in hysterical laughter.
I heard the whispers and saw the glances all day and spent most of my energy blocking out the emotions of the girls in most of my classes. I felt the knives of jealousy, the tingle of curiosity, and wanted nothing more than to throttle Tracy every time I saw her. She was probably the object of some of those same feelings, but she was lucky enough not to have to deal with feeling them like me.
I was so grateful to get into my fifth hour teacher assistant elective; all the girls in that class were sophomores and weren’t as aware of the junior class dramas. Another reason why I loved this elective was because of Mrs. Porter. I had taken her History class last year and aced it and, since I took so much of her grading off of her hands, she pretty much let me do whatever I wanted if I was having a bad day.
“Hey, Mrs. Porter,” I whispered to her, ten minutes into class, crouching down by her desk and handing her a stack of freshly graded essays I had done yesterday. I was whispering because she had set a pop quiz and the class was silent as a tomb. She even went so far as to turn out the lights to discourage cheating, only the dim light from the windows let them see their papers.
“Hi, honey,” she smiled at me, taking the papers with a grateful sigh. “Are you ok?” she asked, knitting h
er eyebrows at me.
“Kind of a crappy day,” I said, shrugging as if it was no big deal.
“Oh, well, honey, why don’t you just sit in the back and relax. Read a book or catch up on some homework or whatever. Here,” She reached for her purse and a hall pass. She pulled out two one dollar bills and pressed them with the pass into my hands. “Go get us each a soda out of one of the machines and then just sit back there and relax.” I loved this woman.
“Sure, thanks!” I whispered brightly. “Diet, right?” Most women over 25 drink diet even if they are thin, like Mrs. Porter.
“Right,” She winked at me before I stood up and walked out. I took a deep breath after I shut the door behind me, smiling to myself. There was something special about being outside of class when everyone else was trapped inside. It was like being home alone. I decided to take my time on my errand, choosing a soda machine that wasn’t the closest one to class, planning to explain that the closer one was out of diet.
I crossed the quad so that if someone asked me where I was going I could easily say the bathroom and be in the right direction. I was enjoying my walk, trying to be careful not to take too long, when I heard someone walking along behind me. I was in school in the middle of the day surrounded by full classrooms, so I wasn’t worried, but, like anyone else, I had to look over my shoulder to see who it was.
I saw, as I glanced as casually as I could, the figure of a guy leaning into his locker, rummaging through the items inside, but the locker door obstructed my view of his face. I couldn’t stare long enough to see who it was or else I’d risk looking completely obvious, so I just continued to the soda machine around the corner and ran right into Jensen. Literally ran into him. His chest was like a wall of bricks and I stumbled backwards, losing my balance. He reached out and caught my hand in his to steady me. How mortifying! And the only rational way to deal with mortification is to get irrationally angry.
“Are you kidding? You’re following me now?” I said as incredulously as I could.
“Actually, you ran into me, so really I could ask you the same question and not sound as irrational as you.” He was in my head again.
“Then excuse me.” I sounded like an insolent brat, but I couldn’t help myself. There was just something about Jensen that bothered me and since I couldn’t figure it out, I just lashed out and reacted.
“You’re excused.” He was smirking as if he found me amusing and that just stoked the fire in my emotions. I huffed a little and bit my tongue as I stepped around him, walking to the soda machine, punching the buttons a little harder than necessary. I didn’t really expect him to go away, but it still bugged me that he stayed. “That doesn’t seem like an appropriate use of a hall pass…”
“Well, when the teacher specifically asks you to go get her a soda, then really, it is appropriate.” Why was I explaining myself to him? “And what about you?” I turned to face him, both sodas balanced in my left hand. “Loitering the halls hardly seems any better.”
“Leavin’ early.” He flashed a small slip of paper I recognized as an off-campus pass and leaned casually against the wall in front of me.
“You don’t seem in a hurry to go.”
“I didn’t think I’d be running into you.” That natural smile I had admired didn’t make another appearance and I realized I was hoping it would. Time to go.
“Well, I have to go back to class,” I didn’t want to look like I was trying to get away from him as if he made me nervous, but I didn’t want to hang around either.
“You always seem like you’re in such a hurry to get away from me.” Jensen was smiling down at me, not enough to show teeth, and I suddenly had the mental image of a lion having trapped his prey.
“It’s not that I’m in a hurry to get away from you,” I said as I stepped around him, making my way to the open space of the quad. “I just have to get back; it should only take so long to get a couple of sodas.” I turned and started walking away. I could feel his eyes on my back, but I just squared my shoulders and refused to look back.
In English, Jodi noticed that although Ian was in class, Jensen was not. I chose not to enlighten her about my meeting with him when she asked if I had any guesses where he might be. I had a strange sense of disappointment when I stared at his empty chair in front of me, just now realizing how much of my English class was now spent tracing patterns in the freckles on his neck. History was just as uneventful. No one to sneak glances at, no gnawing in my stomach wondering if glances were being snuck of me. I was really getting on my own nerves.
I was never so happy to have a week be over. I had never been the topic of so much gossip and superficial dislike; female jealousy was a strange and dangerous thing. The game tonight was an away game and Jodi never expected us to go to those. Since I was going to be taking care of Steven’s cousin’s room tomorrow, I told them I needed the night to prepare, so they didn’t give me any grief. Steven promised to go anyway so Jodi wouldn’t be left alone and that caused any feelings of disappointment to fade quickly from her face.
I wasn’t kidding about needing the night to prepare since the blessing would be done in the middle of the day to draw on sun energy, but I was also really looking forward to some alone time. I spent the evening watching mindless T.V. and taking a long hot bath before curling up into extra covers and pillows, hoping the relaxing environment would chase any nightmares away. I was wrong.
I woke up in the darkness somewhere between too late and too early to know what time it was, gasping for breath and tasting moist earth. I had clawed at something in my dream and mimicked it in real life, snagging jagged scrapes in the extra blanket I had draped around me. The dream was fading from me faster than any of the others ever had. It was like catching glimpses of the countryside through the breaks of a passing train. Green and yellow and silver light blurring past me. Falling again as freezing air whipped passed me. My hands reaching for anything to catch my fall. My knee coming down hard on a moss covered stone and the searing pain racing up my thigh. A hand reaching out and taking mine, pulling me from the ground. Jensen’s worried face, urging me to hurry, his voice in my head but his lips not moving. And finally the raking claws on my right calf.
I didn’t have to check my leg to know the welts were there, raised and angry. My breathing was still ragged. I didn’t try too hard to steady it, allowing myself the time to be scared and upset since my dream self couldn’t have that luxury.
Part of me knew I needed to investigate these dreams, stop them somehow. They were obviously too dangerous, I shouldn’t be waking up with injuries. But seeing as how each time the thing touched me it was losing more and more ground, maybe next time it wouldn’t be able to touch me at all and I could simply escape the dream in its natural resolution.
But there wasn’t anything natural about this dream. I wasn’t even completely confidant that it was just a dream. I think I cried myself to sleep, after having turned the T.V. back on for some comforting light and ambient noise. It was a blessedly dark and dreamless sleep.
I woke up entirely drained, feeling as though I might as well have not slept at all. I couldn’t dwell on that though; I was doing a blessing in just a couple of hours and needed to be in a calm, neutral mood. I took my time getting ready, going through three cups of coffee and causing my mom to yell at me from the living room to make another pot when she heard the third cup being poured. Caffeine addiction is hereditary.
I had told Steven to meet me at his aunt’s house at eleven thirty so that we had a half hour to set up and make sure everyone was out of the house. His cousin, Alexis, was eight months old, but apparently had never been able to sleep in her own room. She cried anytime she was left alone, but she never really calmed down, even when someone was in there with her. I had a feeling I would be banishing something today.
When I pulled up in front of Steven’s aunt’s house, there were more cars parked on the street than usual and I had the horrible impression that all of the owners were inside th
e house I was going into. I don’t advertise what we do; people ask questions, or talk and rumors start to spread. I took a deep breath and grabbed the backpack I brought with me and walked up to the front door. Steven opened it before I could knock and pulled me inside with a hug.
“Hey!” He said brightly and I was overwhelmed with the most fantastic, mouth-watering aromas. I would be forced to stay for lunch when we were done. I composed myself and hitched a glare onto my face. “I know, I know! But don’t worry, they’re all outside and most of them don’t know what we’re doing.”
“Most?” I asked in a strangled whisper.
“Well, my aunt and mom, obviously, and my Abuela.” he listed off easily.
“She’s not gonna throw holy water on me again is she?” The first time I met Steven’s grandmother, it hadn’t gone smoothly.
“No!” He said, waving his hands at me frantically. “She misunderstood, you know, you being white and all.”
“Promise?” I demanded.
“Yes, she was the one who insisted on lunch to thank you.”
“Oh… well, then, I guess that’s ok.” There was no way I was going to say no to homemade Mexican food.
“So, where’s Jodi?” Steven asked.
“She’s not feeling great,” I said as I slowly turned around, trying to get a feel for the entire house. “I got a text from her before I left that said she was gonna try to knock out on cold meds to get better.”
“Ah,” Steven said simply with a nod of his head.
“Ok, go out and get Alexis, make sure your aunt knows to keep everyone out, and I mean it. Until we’re done no one can come in.” I turned to go find Alexis’ room when Steven stopped me.
“We’re done? I’m helping?” He looked genuinely confused.
“Of course?” It came out a question. Why wouldn’t he want to help?
“Oh, ok…”
“What’s up? You don’t want to help?”
“No! I do, I just thought you understood they won’t think I can do this stuff.” He gestured at the room at large.
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