When Jak had done the spanking it hadn't ended for quite some time, but possibly he'd been angrier than Kyiin was right then. After a dozen or so smacks it was abruptly over, and I was pulled up to kneel straight on the bed beside him.
"If I ever have to do that again, I won't be nearly as gentle as I was this time," he said, a ghost of the growl still in his voice and eyes. "Now get out of your clothes and into that bed."
"1 won't ..." I began, rubbing at what the full skirt of
my dress hadn't really protected me from, just short of trembling
^'with everything I was feeling. I didn't want to do anything he
was involved with or cared to suggest, but the two words
were all I was able to get to.
"But you will," he interrupted at once, turning to look at e after having risen from the bed. "You were the one who
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didn't want to talk, so we won't be doing any talking. If you make me repeat myself, you won't like the way I do it."
He turned away again to continue circling the bed, and-I suddenly found that I couldn't do anything but lower my head and begin opening my dress. For the first time in many years I felt like putting my face ia my hands and crying, but that was the one victory I'd die before giving him.
It didn't take very long to get out of the dress and unlace my sandals, and then 1 simply lay down on top of the very soft quilts the bed was covered with. My back was to the man I could hear moving around on the far side of the bed, had been to him the whole time, and then the lamp was blown dark and another body was lying down behind me.
"Since you have needs to be taken care of, it's my duty to see that it's done," he said, and a hand was suddenly on my middle, an arm resting on mine. "I'll try harder this time to do the job right, but if it doesn't work you're to tell me. The least a woman in your position deserves is a man who can satisfy her in bed, especially when he can't seem to manage it outside of one. If it still turns out not to be any good for you, I'll—try talking to someone to see what it is I'm doing wrong."
i didn't move at the touch of that warm, gentle hand on me, but I suddenly realized there were tears streaming down my face, tears only the dark around me could see. It wasn't fair, it wasn't, and it hurt so much I wanted to die of the pain. But dying was the easy way, a path only the common-born were allowed to tread, a path denied to those who were noble. Noble. When my body began shuddering with the sobs I couldn't hold in he moved closer and held me tight in gentle arms, and that made it all a thousand times worse, a thousand times more painful. I deserved that pain, I knew I did, and also knew I'd never find a way to make it stop.
When Indris heard the sound of footsteps going upstairs, she left what few dishes and things she hadn't yet put away and went hurriedly to her father's study. In the past it had been a habit with her to stop and look around whenever she
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entered the study, but that night she was too excited to indulge in the usual.
"Father, tell me quickly, I'm dying to know," she said as soon as she was through the door, keeping her voice down but unable to keep the excitement out of it. "I knew it had to be one of them as soon as I saw them, but which one was it?"
Her father had been standing with a cup of wine in his hand, staring sightlessly at the wall, most certainly not staring at what was on the wall. He knew his collection of shields so well he could see them even when they weren't in front of him, so she knew he had to have been staring at something else entirely. He smiled when he heard her question, more amused than she thought he'd be, but she had to admit she was sounding a good deal younger than she thought she would.
"Would you believe, daughter mine, that both of them were chosen?" he asked, turning his head to look at her with sparkling blue eyes. "When I opened the box to show them the bracers, we found two single ones of different sizes. It was all I could do to conceal my surprise."
"Both of them," Indris said, walking more slowly forward to a chair near her father before sitting rather heavily. "I hadn't known that could happen, hadn't even thought about it. Now—what are they going to do?"
"They'll answer the summons just as they're supposed to," her father replied, moving close to put a gentle hand to her hair. "1 know it would have been easier on them if only one had been chosen, but the decision wasn't ours. And that girl almost broke through part of the deflection aura, asking questions about something she was supposed to have forgotten as soon as it was on her and the subject was changed. I'm hoping it was just her desperation to avoid talking to Kylin and about their relationship, but I'm afraid it might be one of the reasons she was chosen. She may have some—extra ability of some sort, that will play a key part in what inevitably must follow."
"The battles behind the war," Indris said with a sigh, leaning back in her chair. "Battles that will certainly be worse than the open war itself. Now they'll undoubtedly be separated, sent in different directions to serve different pur-
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poses. I'm sure the thought of that would make Sofaltis happy, but I wonder if it really will."
"Don't be so sure they'll be separated," her father answered, pouring a cup of wine for her before sitting in a chair with his own. "I told them the story of the legend, of course, but I gave them the version everyone's familiar ,with rather than the true one. Evon didn't make a full panoply, remember, he made only the right half of everything. The left half appeared as a mirror image come to life, a gleaming reflection of the silver which is the symbol of his purity of purpose. Once it was done no one could tell the difference in the reality of one side as opposed to the other, but I've always felt there was a particular reason he did that. Those bracers are linked in some way, one inseparably to the other, so Sofaltis may not be as free of Kylin as you believe."
"Or as she thinks she wants to be," Indris said with a nod, still concerned as she sipped her wine but nevertheless faintly relieved. "Were you able to find out what the trouble is between them, the real problem that poor gir! keeps skirting around? I tried during her bath, but her mind slid away to examine it alone, leaving me behind a slammed-closed door."
"I was hoping 1 might have the opportunity, but it didn't turn out that way," Veslin said, shaking his head with faint frustration. "Sofaltis thought she could avoid having to share Kylin's accommodations by offering to share mine, but she doesn't seem to know much about the man she's bound to. If I'd agreed I probably would have had to fight him, he's feeling that insecure about her. I'm convinced her absolute refusal has something to do with the covert war flowing around us, and if I could have spoken to her I might have been able to resolve the problem."
"Is that all you would have done with her?" Indris asked, her expression very carefully innocent. "Spoken with her?"
"She's an infant, you hellion, even more so than you," Veslin answered with a snort, then shifted to a grin. "But she's an infant with an instinct about men, and wouldn't have been surprised by anything that happened. When a man holds a woman in his arms after they've blended souls, she's much more likely to tell him things she wouldn't have spoken of under other circumstances." His amusement had been fading, and by then it was all gone. "She has to be feeling much,
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much more for Kyiin than she'll admit even to herself. It wasn't disgust that made her avoid even the touch of his hand, far from it, and I wish I could have done something. I'm certain they're suffering for no real reason, except as victims of the war."
"Maybe—maybe it's part of the hidden war," Indris said slowly, distress returning to her as she leaned forward to look at her father. "Maybe it's happened because they were meant to be summoned. If that's true, they haven't any chance together at all."
"Indris, child, the hidden war is being fought to preserve decency, not destroy it or make it just another tool for the users," Veslin said, his words
assured despite the faint doubt that had crept into his eyes. "We have to believe that so low a thing would not be done to two innocent children, or the war will already have been lost—by us."
"Unless there's a special purpose we haven't been allowed to see," Indris returned, finding more comfort in the depths of the silver wine then in her father's words. "I hope with everything in me that you're right, Father, but there are too many things happening that we can't see. I don't have to tell you how many lives are ruined by even the most well-intentioned wars; theirs just might be two of them."
Indris waited to hear Veslin disagree with her, but the silver wine had absorbed two pairs of eyes, and nothing further came but deeper silence.
Chapter 12
When my eyes opened to the light of a new day, 1 was relieved to find that I wasn't comfortable despite the soft bed, and I hadn't forgotten anything of what went on before I slept. It's more than disconcerting to wake up happy only to discover you have nothing to be happy about, but hopefully those days were over. I woke up as miserable as I'd been before I slept, which is a hell of a thing to feel pleased with.
I moved around under the quilt in the cool morning air, also relieved to discover that I was alone. My bedmate of the night before was gone along with his clothes, having left so quietly I hadn't heard him go. Not that it really mattered if he was there or not, I was sure he hadn't gone far. He wouldn't have gone far, not after what had happened between us before we slept, not after I'd ruined everything I'd been trying to accomplish.
I brought a hand up to my mouth quickly, holding in the moan of pain, refusing to let it free. If it escaped I knew I would be crying again, just the way I'd cried in the dark during the night. As if crying would solve anything, or make what I'd done go away, or turn me back into a decent human being from the sickening thing I'd become. 1 was useless and worthless, without any trace of honor or shred of decency, and my father had been right to laugh at the idea of naming me his heir.
I turned under the quilt to bury my face in the pillow, wishing I could stay that way long enough to smother and die. He was an enemy, for Evon's sake, committed to doing harm to my family and everything we cared about, but when he held me in his arms all I wanted was to give myself to him
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without reservation, without criticism, without restraint. I could still feel the strength in his arms and shoulders and body, the warmth in his lips, the unending pleasure of his lovemaking. He used me more completely than any man I'd ever known, but never tried to keep most of the pleasure for himself. From first to last his intention was lo share, but the moment he entered me I knew I was his, whether I cared to be or not, whether he shared or not. It was totally beyond me to refuse—
But he was my enemy!
The moan forced its way free at last, but was absorbed by the pillow just before I had to turn my head and breathe. Every time I tried hurting him all 1 did was hurt myself more, and after last night I'd never again be able to tell him he couldn't satisfy me. He would have had to have died in order to miss it, and I could testify to the fact that he hadn't died. I was so terribly, horribly disgusted with myself, to let an enemy reach me like that, to be so pliable that I would betray everything I loved in exchange for nothing but the satisfaction of my body.
Like a small, mindless female, good for nothing but giving men rides and having their babies.
Not a woman, who at least had her pride no matter what she found it necessary—or desirable—to do.
Female, low, stinking, squirming, totally useless female!
The self-hatred and loathing stirred me a short way out of the misery, but not nearly far enough. I turned onto my left side with a sigh, looking at the bright, cheerful sunshine pouring in through the window, incapable of sharing its warmth and happiness. I knew I was looking at the sunshine of the day I'd be getting home, and was so depressed I almost couldn't bear it. The only thing I could do when I did get home was tell my father everything, leaving it to him to decide what was to be done. It would be the most humiliating thing I'd ever had to face, but I couldn't say I hadn't earned humiliation at the very least. I owed it to my father to tell him everything, and then do exactly what he wanted me to do.
I lay there for another few moments with the thought, even more depressed but in no way reluctant, and then got up to begin dressing. If there was one thing I'd learned to be good at during my life, it was facing up to the consequences of the
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things I'd done. For some reason I'd never developed the habit of making excuses, of trying to show my actions in a better, more acceptable light. I'd spent a good part of my childhood suffering through lectures because of that trait, and now was facing considerably more than a lecture. I sighed again, wishing for once that I could make excuses, then shook my head as I finished tying my sandals. In order to make excuses you have to be able to think of them, and in that particular situation finding an excuse would be like chipping down an entire mountain range with a palm dagger.
I left the pleasant room I'd barely looked at and made my way downstairs, letting a lethargy of spirit slow my steps to an unenthusiastic dragging of feet. I-had no interest in seeing or talking to anyone, only in being on my way, but you don't thank people for their hospitality by disappearing without a word of good-bye. Indris and Veslin were entitled to a face to face thank-you, and I would see that they got it.
I stopped at the bottom of the stairs for a moment to orient myself, then went toward where the kitchen should be. That really was a very big house for so small a village, but if Indris' husband had been that popular an armorer, he probably could have built one twice the size and not worried about the cost. As I neared the kitchen I could tell Indris was in the middle of cooking things from the delicious smells coming out to meet me, but as enticing as the overall aroma was it did nothing to raise an appetite in me. My mood was in no mood to be hungry, so to speak, a statement of disinterest I couldn't have agreed with more.
"Well, good morning," Indris said with a smile, turning from what she was doing at the sound of the door opening. "The food's almost ready, so your timing couldn't be better. Pull up a chair at the table, and the food and I will be with you in a minute."
"I appreciate your offer, but food isn't the reason I stopped in here," I said, moving farther into the room. "Since I'll be leaving soon, I came to thank you for everything you've done and to say good-bye. As soon as I get home I'll have this dress sent back to you, so you'll have it for the next vagabond in need, if for nothing else."
"Vagabond," she said with a snort, her smile having disappeared as she studied my face. "If you're a vagabond,
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I'll be welcoming them from now on instead of chasing them away with a broom. You and Kylin earned everything you've been given, I think we all know that. At least have a cup of tasil with me, if you aren't hungry enough for a meal. By then Kylin and my father ought to be back."
"Back from buying horses?" I asked, the only errand I could think of that they would be away on. "They'd better hurry, we've already wasted too much time as it is."
"You seem to be in a hurry to get somewhere in particular," Indris remarked, watching her hands as she poured two cups of tasil rather than looking at me. "And you did say you were going home. Is there anything special about to happen that you're in a hurry to get to?"
She turned then with the metal cups in her hands, the look in her dark eyes far from neutral. She was asking me a question she thought she would get a happy answer to, one that would let us both get back to smiling, but smiling, fike food, was something I had no interest in.
"I suppose you could say I'm in a hurry to talk to my father," I answered, walking over to take one of the cups from her. "Aside from that, I can't find much to look forward to in my life."
"Sofaltis, you're so young you should have everything to lo
ok forward to," she protested, the hand I'd freed for her coming to my arm. "Kylin was so happy when he came down earlier, he was all but singing! I was hoping that meant you two had worked things out together, settled whatever problem had stood between you. You're still not looking forward to the marriage as much as he is?"
"I'd always thought men were supposed to be the reluctant ones," I told the anxiety in her dark eyes, then turned away to sip at the tasil. "All the old stories and songs talk about how hard a woman has to work to catch one, but that isn't true, is it? Most men want and need marriage very badly— even when they shouldn't."
I knew the silence behind me was a puzzled and confused one, but I also knew I'd already said more than I should have. The tasi! was strong and warming, bringing a small measure of vigor rather than trying to fill a void that wasn't there, and I was glad Indris had insisted on it. I intended
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riding hard when I left there, even if someone else wasn't in the mood for it. . . .
"Here's the wood you wanted," a voice suddenly came from the kitchen's outer door, opened only an instant before. "And Veslin would like to know if you have a minute or two. He needs your help out in the stable with something."
"Thank you for remembering, Kylin," Indris told him warmly as I turned again, to see the man dumping a double armload of kindling into the bin to the left of the hearth. "And of course 1 have time to help my father. You took care of everything you had to?"
"Everything and then some," the man agreed with a smile, brushing at his shirt as he sent a glance in my direction. "The boy your father recommended has the fastest horse in the village, so he should reach Gensea by noon. He'll deliver my message, then wait to guide the escort back here. I've asked them to bring horses for the girl and myself, but even if they move fast, as I'm sure they will, mey probably won't get here much before dark. It looks like you'll be having guests at least until then."
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