She knew she had to go slowly and make Victoria comfortable to explain herself.
She got up and walked to the window, from which she could see the large garden of her family.
"I fell in love with my savior, Usem.
“Usem ... So far you only mentioned it sporadically, you spoke of the Tuareg in general. I did not know that there was such a protagonist in your salvation ...
"I know, I've tried to avoid the subject in order not to expose it or bring it to my mind every moment. But it's useless, it's always there.
"Why do you not tell me about him?" Perhaps the problem is that you do not verbalize what you feel. You try to obscure what must remain in the light. Repressing your feelings will not do you good.
The young woman thought what she said and thought was right. So for the first time since she returned, she told all her story without forgetting detail. She thought her mother might be shocked, but the story did not seem to make a dent. At the end she looked at her and nodded.
"I understand what you feel. But it was your decision to come back here. You could have stayed and live with him. Not that I wanted that, but I point out that you have chosen.
"I was afraid, I did not want to acknowledge then that I loved him ... In addition, what I'm sure is that I could not live like a nomad forever in that desert. I missed all my previous life, I missed you ...
-It's natural. And the grief is going to cost you, a love without future is sad.
"As you say, I feel even more unhappy. I never thought to live such a story.
"The only way to kill or at least numb the pain is to return to activity with all your energy. You must rest, heal your wounds and return to the labor arena.
"I cannot yet, I do not feel capable”.
"It would also be good to consult a therapist." Beyond all your story, the lived nightmare and death that surrounded you must have affected you more than you know right now.
Victoria was grateful to have been honest with her mother. She felt restrained and understood and saw the truth of her words. There was no night that the images of the massacre were not sneaking through her nightmares.
Therapy and work, these would be your next goals.
Thirteen.
The way of return was sad for Usem. He ran it as fast as possible, and for that he had to leave the wagon. He changed it for a camel, although the replacement was not the best business, it would ensure accelerated return. It was not safe to travel alone and to do so he had to be stopped as least as possible.
The image of Victoria marching hit him and he regretted both not being able to be more flexible. None had yielded in their desire to live with what is theirs and therefore were protagonists of a truncated love.
He reached his caravan after twelve days, when he was already on the brink of exhaustion. The hours of march and sadness began to weigh him down. His father received him with great joy. He had feared that his son would perish on the return trip, and many nights he cursed the Western woman who had turned his son over.
This one reintegrated into the life of the caravan and put his best to feel at home again in his element. But it was clear that he had lost some of his joy. He felt more sullen and sullen, seemingly lost the gift of conversation that members of his clan liked so much. They admired in him his sparkling dialogue and temperance in resolving disputes among the members.
Several of the women celebrated his return. He was a very attractive match, not only for being the leader's son but also for his physical and mental qualities.
Dassim herself decided to give him a new opportunity, which he did not reject. And although the physical delivery was unreserved, it was inevitable for her to perceive that her arms were nothing more than the consolation that the man sought to alleviate the pain that the separation of the white woman had caused him.
At first he bothered her, but then she felt pity. She had been very much in love with her husband and the loss had been terrible. This one decided to be kind to Usem and forgive him of her heartbreak. After all, she was not in love either and she could be obliging. So she allowed herself to be relieved.
The months passed and with them the memory of Victoria was tempered. The wound hurt less, but it was still open. The life of the clan went on without great changes although they did exist at regional level. The younger members became increasingly associated with nationalist groups and this influenced the structure of the Merin clan.
The return of Badis, a son who had left with such intentions long ago, revolutionized the camp and influenced it before and after.
Merin thanked Allah for his return and Usem was glad that his father had recovered the one who had always been considered the heir to his leadership. He had no intentions to command nor thought he was capable of it.
On the other hand Badis felt a deep antipathy and distrust towards him, never verbalized but always latent in the looks and in his passive-aggressive attitude. Probably jealousy, but to that was added his innate mistrust of everything that had a trace of Westernness. In his mind, this was associated with demon and usurpation. So the relationship between them had never prospered even though Merin had made his best attempt.
What in the beginning was very good news, soon drifted into not so positive subjects. Badis showed his clear intention to involve the clan directly in the armed struggle. past years had turned him into a fanatic fundamentalist and did not accept Merin's denials. He saw them as simple excuses. He believed faithfully that his father's attitude was cowardice and that it was influenced by Usem, so that the anger toward him grew to unsuspected limits.
"You must understand that the struggle for our land and our nation is imposed!" The hour of the Muslims has arrived, Father. And with Allah as a witness we must participate.
"This is not our fight, Badis. Allah is compassionate and neither push his children to unnecessary pain nor promote the slaughter of others.
"It is written in the Qur'an, Father," replied Badis, with a vehemence which frightened Merin, since it bordered on fanatic madness. "The infidels will be crushed by jihad!
-You read the Qur'an as it suits you, forget your compassionate profile ...
"The fight is now and there's no doubt about it!" The closeness of Usem has softened you, Father. I'm sorry, you drag our people into shame.
The most rational arguments clashed with an insurmountable wall of established phrases and hosepipes pushing the conflict. Badis did not recognize valid interlocutors if they did not accept his speech and soon had a firm audience on the younger ones, who longed for a change.
The situation became extremely tense until Merin, with all the pain, decided to expel him. This committed son of his not only his leadership would have been at least harmful, but also the independent and peaceful life of the Tuareg. The rupture was traumatic, as it broke the family and the clan.
"You selected this Western dog on top of me!" You drop the hand of the true Muslim and Tuareg ... By Allah this is going to cost you dear! "He snapped at Usem with mad eyes. You have only poisoned our culture with your European poison!
Usem tried to reason with him, more than for himself but for his father who evidently suffered.
"Oh, Badis, you should think our father has enough experience, wisdom, and calmness to know what he's doing and why he does it. I could not influence him and less the way you say. My loyalty is to my clan.
"You, you deceitful devil, do not even turn to me!" Badis enraged.
He came to Usem and knocked him to the ground and would have continued if other Tuaregs had not intervened
"Wherever you go, watch your back," he said before leaving. "My eyes and those of my brothers will always be upon you!
Fourteen.
The withdrawal of Badis was even more costly because behind him a group of young Tuareg marched who were the strong arms of work and the future in which the community was reflected. In a stroke the clan unity and its continuity were compromised.
This profoundly affected Merin's health, which seemed to grow old
in a few days. The grief was lodged in the soul and this despaired Usem.
He tried to generate calm in those who had remained especially because they were families disaggregated by the game. Women, children, old men, and the few grown men who had remained and had not marched behind the utopia Badis promised.
"Bad omens bring the wind today, Usem," Merin said to him one night as they talked by the fire.
"Why do you say that, Father?" You must overcome the pain; your people need you.
"You think so?" Badis thinks otherwise. And those who went with him evidently believe that the world I represent changed.
"Maybe they do, but you owe it to yourself, your beliefs and to those who stayed," Usem said, trying to be emphatic
"I know, but my grief is for a time that is ending. Tuareg life as it was goes backwards. I can no longer guarantee the safety of my community, Usem. Let's be honest, we have to make changes. What do you think they should be?
All this speech was said in a tone of unhappiness such that Usem's heart shrank.
What a loss was what is his alongside that of his father and his community? He promised strongly that he would always accompany him and try to defend the lives and security of his people.
"It reassures me to know that you share my vision, son. That you are willing to compromise after what is our own is a relief, no doubt.
In his own heart Usem was not so sure that he could successfully complete what he had said. He himself was a part Tuareg and there were things that he knew should be changed
At the question that his father had asked about what to modify he had begun to think more deeply.
Undoubtedly nomadic life was simpler when one could live with greater economic freedom. When the trade of products was easier. This they had done for thousands of years: traveling the vast desert of the Sahara to bring and carry goods besides shepherding their livestock.
But long-term droughts and the emergence of ATVs had undermined these tasks and had constrained the Tuareg to a life of subsistence. This limited their chances.
He also knew that some groups had already given in to reality and had established themselves on the edges of urban centers. It was not uncommon for young people to emigrate in search of better chances of life. Or join the fight just like what had just happened.
The vision of his father who at first became apocalyptic, soon began to become more real. He resisted; not in vain had he dreamed romantically with life in the community since he was a child. Until yesterday he had not looked at the future with eyes more than of falling in love with tradition. Now slowly the insight of the few opportunities they had was creeping insidiously into his mind.
"I have to think, we must think. This is a decision that belongs to everyone in the clan. The leader's task is to protect and give the best opportunities. But we must analyze the aspects in favor and against, "he told his father after several days of brooding ideas in silence.
"What do you mean, Usem?" What are you pointing out?
"You asked me what changes I thought we had to make some days ago. I have some idea, I know you will not like it. And as this is something that will affect the life of our entire community, we must think and argue among all.
"Oh, son, do you think I do not know what you think?" Merin said sadly. I have known for a long time that the desert has been shortened and no longer shelters us as before. How much I would give for turning the leaves of time back!
"Have you considered the possibility that our clan will settle permanently?" Asked Usem with some astonishment. He believed that his father would refuse to consider it.
"I have seen how fellow tribes have been giving in, and it is clear that we are less and less in movement. It was until now that it was possible to resist, and I say so because it has been hard. I know you're right even though the pain comes to me ...
-We should talk to the rest of our people and say what we think. And peacefully analyze our options.
"We will," said the leader.
A shadow covered his face and would do it ever since then. He was proud, on the other hand, that Usem behaved to the height of the circumstances, like a real Tuareg.
They decided to outline all the possibilities first. Where to go, what places were feasible new homes. A crucial aspect was security and cultural closeness. Language could be an obstacle for which not any site was good, in addition to analyzing economic sustainability. Merin refused some villages in which he knew the competition for resources would be very tough and the locals would not welcome more mouths to feed on them.
They debated for several long nights on how to present the idea to the rest. It was necessary to do it because everyone had to agree on the new life. It occurred to them that the only way to see the best place was to try out various settlements. Staying for a while and going to see what life was like.
"It sounds crazy, I know. A jump into the void. But how do we know that the one we choose will be the best place to live if we only try one? When you are nomad the sites are circumstantial, but here we talk about staying-complained the boss.
"I know father. Maybe you're right. Let us consider this with the rest. Without exclusions, everyone must participate. They will be affected in the most expensive way, which is their way of living.
They did so effectively. They convened a meeting that attracted all the families of the clan. Sitting around the fires this time no songs or poetry were sung nor were the traditions of yesteryear.
Merin sat up and in a slow voice explained the reason for the meeting. This caused stupor at first and widespread agitation afterwards. The leader waited for calm; he understood perfectly the reactions created.
“I'm saying this to you with regret ... No one than me loves this life and this world. We have been blue riders for centuries, dominating the sands of the desert for millennia ... But those times are lost and you know it. What other witnesses more privileged than you do we have of the decadence in which we have fallen?
“Let us preserve pride!" Cried one of the few men who remained in the camp.
"And you want us to live in pride?" Dassim argued bitterly.
She understood what was happening, she and the other women.
- We were coming backward and what happened with Badis and those who went has rushed us to misfortune.
The truth is that the woman's words passed through them all and a wave of discouragement descended on the camp.
Usem sat up and positioned himself next to his father. He wanted to encourage him to continue exposing.
"Both are right, I know," continued the chief. "Do you think I would not have wanted to avoid this?" ... But the situation is more and more pressing and my duty as a leader is to take care of them. What would become of you if I were guided only by my proud and untamed spirit? We are weak leaves in the middle of the desert, each time with more difficulties to maintain us. Destroyed by war and despair. The latter pushed our young people to jihad, do not doubt it.
"But ... what shall we do?" We know no other way of living, "a young frightened woman said
"That's why we're gathered together today." We must think together. Usem and I have discussed ideas and possibilities many nights, but the only fair thing is that we all decide. The position we take will change our lives at all.
“I believe in resisting and continuing as now! If our way of life is over, it should not be because we defeated ourselves.
One of the elders spoke loudly.
"Do not think I did not think it too. But is it fair to drag our entire clan into a survival race?
Several voices rose and the discussion became acute and at times fierce. Usem listened more than he spoke, since he was aware of the gravity of the moment and did not want his mestizo condition to be twisted to counter Merin's argument.
Despite this, the allusion to his condition as a part Tuareg soon appeared.
"No doubt you do not lose anything, and it does not even stir your hair that our world collapses." You're a stranger, "one of the men
shouted angrily.
Usem tried to remain calm and answered with the greatest willingness.
"Do not think that. If I did not appreciate the way we live, do you think I would have come back and stayed that long? My loyalty is with my father and with my tribe.
It escaped no one that he was one more in the tasks and he fulfilled well his role of support of his father. Women especially knew of his sacrifice in choosing the life of a Tuareg above the love that the white woman had awakened in him. The voices of defense soon rose and asked for temperance. There were many issues to settle rather than to stagnate in nonsensical reproaches.
Soon they began to evaluate locations, consider economic possibilities, propose actions. Almost unanimously, permanent settlement was considered the only option of survival of the clan in the long term.
They lost one of their fundamental traits, the freedom of travel and government of their destiny. But the possibilities were not many.
Several months would take them to consolidate their position somewhere but they would do it gradually, looking for way that all could get used to.
Usem sighed. The task ahead was titanic and compromised the efforts and resources of all, but especially the leaders. He must be Merin's irreducible staff in that bitter time.
Life and time
went by ...
Fifteen.
Time passed inexorably for both of them. Five years away from the present reality being reported. The lives of Victoria and Usem continued through different ways, and the pious cloak that separated her and not seen her passion tended to tempered the pain of separation.
She attacked her nightmares and her discomfort with therapy and work, as she had proposed. The first one was more helpful than she would have previously thought.
She had always been a little suspicious of psychologists.
"Most of those I know can not fix their lives, with what confidence to put them in mine?" That had been a very personal thought.
Migrant Hearts Page 6
