“It’ll be special, because it’ll be with you.”
I inhale softly, eyes roaming to hers. She looks at me at the same time, brushing hair out of her face. She worries her lip, watching for my reaction.
Slowly, I pick the wrapper out of her hand, examining it. “Kennedy gave this to you?”
“Yes,” she whispers. “I told her that I wanted to, you know, think about taking things to the next level. She took it from the nurse’s office for me.”
We both sit in silence. I don’t know what to say or do, because she can’t mean she wants to do this now, could she? I mean, we’d have to be up in a few hours for school.
She answers my silent inquiry by getting onto her knees. She lets the blanket fall, exposing her body to me. She’s wearing the tiniest pajama shorts and a matching shirt with cacti on them. It’s not supposed to be sexy in the slightest, but on Opal they’re the most seductive thing I have ever seen.
She makes the first move. Her lips open, allowing my tongue to slip inside and tangle with hers. She wraps her arms around my neck, and I deepen the kiss further. My hands glide down to her hips, fingers dancing across the bare skin of her stomach where her shirt has ridden up.
She shivers, goosebumps rising on her arms as I tug her closer to me. When her breasts press against the thin material of my tee, I can feel how hard her nipples have become. I swallow and nervously pull away, looking in her eyes again, needing one last reassurance before we push this too far.
“You’re sure?” I whisper, voice hoarse.
She nods, smiling at me.
After that, articles of clothes are taken off one at a time. Her bare body is on the mattress and I’m hovering over her, our eyes locked and chests rising in the same hectic rhythm. The condom is next to her in the blankets, but I focus on looking at every inch of her for the first time. My hands roam down her sides, causing her to squirm. Her legs spread apart just enough for my body to fit between them. I lean down to kiss her, and she bites down on my bottom lip, causing me to groan.
She gasps when I shift, and my erection brushes against her sex.
I kiss her once more before grabbing the condom, tearing it open, and taking out the rubber. We both stare at it for a second.
“Do you know how to put it on?”
I can’t help but chuckle. “Yeah, Opal, I do.”
“B-because if you don’t, I remember reading about it in the textbook for health class last year, and—”
I take the condom and roll it on, and she watches me with wide eyes.
“We can stop,” I tell her.
“No.” She shakes her head, pulling me to her. “I want this, Bash. I-I want you. I love you. You love me, right?”
“I love you more than anything,” I whisper, letting my lips linger over hers. She puts her hands on my back, guiding me down to her. Our hips line up, and I still right before I make the final move.
“I hear it hurts for girls the first time.”
She runs her thumb over my bottom lip. “I don’t mind if you hurt me, Bash.”
And that’s all I need to hear before I show her how much I love her, the cool material of the promise ring brushing against my naked back as I make our bodies one.
I’ve changed my clothes like a teenage girl getting ready for her first date. Three times. But what does one wear to meet their six-year-old daughter?
The black button-down shirt I’m wearing is now paired with a dark-wash pair of jeans. I’m almost positive I wore an identical outfit on my first real date with Opal. But Kennedy said we’re just going to the park, so I have no idea if I’m overdressed or not.
“What the hell?”
I turn to see Ian standing at the doorway of my room, eyes scanning the floor with an amused expression on his face.
“You doing okay in here, princess?” he asks, strolling in and picking up my white dress shirt which was draped across the dresser.
I eye him. “Not funny, dickface.”
He chuckles, sitting on my bed.
“And how did you get in?” I doubt, knowing I locked the door when I went to bed last night.
“I’ve got my ways,” he replies. “Is that what you decided on? Looks like you’ve tried everything from prom-formal to hobo chic.”
He throws a ratty tee at me, and it smacks me in the face. I glare at him, balling the shirt in my hands before putting it on my nightstand.
“I don’t know what to wear, okay?”
He gets up and goes through my dresser, pawing through my casual shirts. “You’re meeting a little girl, not a record producer, bro.”
“Feels like the same thing,” I murmur.
He comes over with one of my plain green shirts in his hands. “Put this on, it’ll look better. It’s Opal and Addison, dude. They don’t need you to impress them. Just be yourself.”
I unbutton my shirt and slide on his selection. It does look more like me than all of the other outfits I’ve tried so far. I’ve been at this for the past two hours with no luck. Ian breaks in and figures it out in two seconds.
“Are the jeans okay?” I ask nervously.
His laugh shakes his shoulders. “You’re like the sister I never wanted, you know that? Yes, the jeans are fine.”
I shove him. “This is really important.”
“You’re going to the park. It’s not a business dinner, or a concert, or anything that you need to be worried about. Addison will love you, okay? Just don’t pretend to be somebody else.”
“Wouldn’t you be freaking out right now?” I doubt, frowning. “What if Taylor was your kid and you went to Vermont and discovered her. What would you have done?”
He thinks about it. “Honestly, I don’t know. I wouldn’t know what to think or do. I get it, man. But freaking out about this won’t help anybody. I bet a fuckton of money that Opal is just as nervous, but she’s probably putting a brave face on for that little girl.”
I swallow, nodding in agreement. I’ve been stuck in my own head all morning, not thinking about anything other than how Addy will feel about me. I haven’t once thought about how Opal is handling all of this, knowing all of the truths are unraveling so quickly.
Hopefully it doesn’t blow up in our faces.
“Have you considered what the future will be like for them?” he asks.
He lives with his girlfriend and her little sister in Vermont, where he usually stays when he’s not visiting his mother here in New York. He makes it work and has since they started dating over a year ago.
“You make things work,” I say.
“It’s not easy sometimes.”
I snort. “Is it ever?”
He grins. “Listen, I consider Taylor like my own daughter, but it’s not the same as what Addison is to you. Taylor has her father and sister in Vermont, so whether I’m in her life or not doesn’t matter.”
“But you are.”
He nods. “I am. And I’m determined to stay there, too. It doesn’t make leaving them any easier, especially if Taylor has school events that I miss. Tours, recordings, they can get in the way of being a part of everyday life. You need to consider that.”
I already am.
He gets up and pats my shoulder, walking toward the door. “None of us would blame you if you decided to step away from the band. We get that family is important, and you’ll always be welcomed back with open arms.”
I blow out a heavy breath. “Thanks, man.”
He smiles and walks out.
Looking in the mirror, I see a Relentless tee draped across the dresser behind me. The band used to be my whole life—everything that I wanted. I’d accomplished a lot and giving it up wouldn’t be easy.
But it would be worth it.
***
September in upstate New York can go either way. It can be blistering hot as though summer is holding on with a death grip, or fall could get impatient—pushing warm nights out of the way to make room for sweatshirts and long pants. Today we were lucky though. A slight br
eeze would give us a reprieve from the heated sun while we’re at the park.
Strutting in the entrance, I glance around, looking for the girls. Kennedy planned on walking with them, insistent on playing mediator. I hated that we needed one, but it would be easier than winging it.
My heart just about jumps out of my chest when I see a little girl with dark auburn-brown hair running around the willow tree. I can hear her shrill laughter from here, and it makes me smile despite all my nerves.
And when Opal joins in, a huge grin stretches my lips. Opal’s arm snatches around Addy’s middle, pulling her to a stop, both falling to the ground in a pile of orange and yellow leaves. Addison springs up, throwing some at Opal, and Kennedy mimics her.
Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I make my way over to them with a basket of premade food hanging on my arm.
Addison spots me first, walking over while Opal gets off the ground and brushes herself off, with Kennedy following on her heels.
When eyes that look just like her mother’s step-in front of me, smiling, my whole body eases just a fraction.
“So,” she tilts her head to the left, throwing her tiny fists on her hips, “you’re my dad, huh?”
I blink. This three-foot human just shocked the hell out of me. “Uh,” I cough. “Yeah, I’m your dad.”
“Mhh.” She purses her lips. “Okay, cool. I’m Addison Marie Anderson, but people call me Addy.” Her head bobs along with her words. She’s talking a mile a minute, and it’s hard to keep up. “My favorite color is pink, but Mommy hates that color. I want my hair to be pink like Aunt Ken’s was …”
Her enthusiasm seems to break the tension swirling around the adults. Even Opal manages a small smile while her mini-me repeats her life story in point two seconds.
Seriously, she hasn’t stopped talking.
When Addison finally takes a breath, I kneel in front of her and say, “It’s nice to finally meet you, Addison Marie Anderson.”
I don’t know whether to shake her hand, hug her, or smile like an idiot. There should be a rulebook for this, I would have stayed up reading it cover to cover.
Addison reaches forward, her little fingers tapping my nose. I go cross-eyed to watch her, which causes her to giggle.
“Mommy says I have your nose,” she tells me, tapping her own.
She does have my nose. “It looks a lot cuter on you, kid.”
She beams.
I look up at Opal. “What else did your mom say about me?”
That makes Opal fiddle with the hem of her shirt nervously. I doubt she would have said anything bad about me to our daughter, but all bets are off when it came to Kennedy.
“I told her what a pain in the butt you are,” Opal answers casually, lips quirking up.
Kennedy snorts next to her but doesn’t say anything in response.
Addy tugs on my shirt sleeve. “Want to play with me?”
“Actually, I was thinking we could eat,” I offer, gesturing toward the basket. “Aunt Kenny says you like mac and cheese the best.”
Her eyes widen. “I do!”
I laugh. “Well, I brought some for lunch. And sandwiches for the adults.” I stand up, grabbing the food and leading them to the nearest picnic table. “As long as it’s okay with your mom, of course.”
She nods in approval. “Yeah, it’s okay.”
Addison quickly takes her spot next to her mom, and Kennedy sits next to me. I unload the food, plates, forks, and napkins, and watch as Opal serves our daughter a portion of the macaroni.
I pass her a sandwich when she’s done, and watch her eyes go to the contents under the plastic wrap.
I smile. “Figured you might like a BLT with everything that’s supposed to be on it.”
She blushes and mutters a thank you.
Kennedy steals a noddle off Addison’s plate, causing Addy to throw her head back and laugh. Based on their banter, it’s something that they do a lot. Opal watches with a soft expression on her face, her eyes carefree and lips turned up.
“How’s the sandwich?” I ask her.
She jumps slightly before turning to face me. “It’s good.”
We go silent again.
It’s Kennedy who breaks the weirdness this time. “You remembered my sandwich combination,” she says skeptically, picking up the peanut butter and pickle sandwich, and taking a huge bite. It still makes me cringe. She once sat on me and force fed me a piece just to “try it.”
“I just about puked making it.”
She shoves my shoulder. “Liar.”
Opal picks at her bread. “Addison has a taste for banana and mayonnaise.”
I chuckle over the familiar combination, one that grossed Opal and my mom out every time I made it. It never stopped me from eating it. Mostly to gross them out if nothing else.
“Yeah?” I chuckle. “Bet you love making that when she asks for it.”
A ghost of a smirk appears. “She only gets its occasionally. But it brings back old memories that are nice.”
I look at Addy. “What’s your favorite food?”
“Mac and cheese!” she yells.
Kennedy rolls her eyes. “Yesterday it was pizza. The day before that was chocolate. If you ask her that, she’ll just tell you whatever she ate last.”
I chuckle. “Well mac and cheese is a good pick in my opinion.”
“What’s yours?” she asks. I grin when I see cheese sauce spread across the corners of her lips. Opal notices, too, wiping it away with her napkin until Addy squirms to get free.
I think about it. “I guess a cheeseburger. I ate way too much of them when I was traveling.”
Addy scrunches her nose.
Kennedy says, “She doesn’t like red meat. We’ve tried feeding her burgers, meatloaf, meatballs. You name it, she won’t eat it.”
Opal sighs. “It’s because of the trip Noah took her on.”
“Trip?” What trip could make a kid not want to eat hamburger?
Addison pipes up. “It’s cows!”
My brows quirk up. “What is?”
She leans in, whispering, “Red meat.”
I lean in, too. “Really?” I play dumb.
She bobs her head. “Cows are nice, and the farmer was gonna eat them.”
My lips form an O. I glance at Opal. “He took her to a farm?”
She makes a face. “Noah thought it would be fun for them to take a trip together to the zoo, but the car broke down on the way, and they couldn’t go. So, Noah had the brilliant idea to take her to Will’s parents’ farm to see the cows. But when they got there, Addison overheard Will’s dad mention that one of the cows had to go to the,” she lowers her voice, “butcher, and Noah had to explain what that was. Addy nearly had a meltdown, and it took over an hour before the boys could calm her.”
“And now she won’t eat red meat?”
Both Kennedy and Opal shake their heads.
I wonder if Addison knows about other types of foods, like chicken. But I don’t dare ask, because then she’d be a full-on vegan, and I’m not sure I could live without meat for the rest of my life.
We finish eating lunch, and Addison and I shoot questions back and forth—favorite colors, movies, hobbies. Once in a while, Kennedy or Opal will jump in, although Kennedy is the more vocal one. I have no clue if Opal is trying to stay out of my conversations with Addy, or if she’s just withdrawn from the whole thing.
Addison gets antsy and insists on me pushing her on the swing. I make sure it’s okay with Opal before I let Addy take my hand and guide me to the swing set. She sits down and looks behind her shoulder, waiting for me to start pushing.
Watching her reactions, the way she smiles, how she scrunches her nose, it reminds me of myself when I was younger. I can see why Kennedy told me we were alike. But I see so much of Opal in her as well. If there’s one thing the world deserves to have, it’s somebody else as pure as Opal Anderson.
Addy giggles as she goes higher in the air, her hair waving in the bre
eze, looking like a wildfire that easily matches her spirit.
“Higher!” she tells me after ten minutes.
She’s already going higher than Opal appears to be comfortable with. “How about we go on the slides?” I ask instead.
She seems to like that idea, so I grab ahold of the swing to stop it. She climbs down, swaying as her feet hit the ground, grabbing my pant leg to steady herself.
“What do I call you?” Addy asks.
“What do you want to call me?”
Expecting her to call me Dad is too much too soon. I want this to go at her pace. Overwhelming her is the last thing I want to do.
She stops at the steps that go up to the slide, looking at them, then to me. “You’re my daddy,” she tells me simply, tugging on my hand. “Come on.”
I’m reeling over how simple she makes it seem, like walking into her life isn’t the end of the world.
Kids are mesmerizing like that.
“You want me to go on the slide with you?” I’m not sure I’ll fit, but I’d be willing to try for her.
She giggles. “Yes, silly.”
I laugh, shrugging and trying to duck under the bars to get up on the top. She does it easily, sitting down at the top of the plastic red platform, waiting for me to join her.
I struggle to adjust behind her, not sure how this will work. She makes it easy for me, climbing on my lap like she’s done it a thousand times.
She probably has with her mom or Noah.
My jaw ticks over that last name, but I push it away. He’s not the one here with her now. It shouldn’t matter that he’s experienced this joy and comfort in the past, because I’m willing to do anything to be in their present and future as much as possible.
“Ready?” I ask her.
She nods her yes, and I try pushing off the sides to slide down. But my jeans get caught somewhere at the top. Addy looks over her shoulder, patiently waiting for me.
I try again. This time I get halfway down, with Addy going the rest of the way, giggling happily. When she realizes I’m not behind her, she stands up and looks at me.
It’s too narrow for me, so I’m literally stuck midway.
Opal, Kennedy, and Addy laugh, pointing at my failed attempt at sliding down this plastic contraption. This never used to be so difficult.
The Choices We Make Page 18
