by Maegan Abel
When I slowly rose to my feet, I stared in the mirror for a moment. The redness of my eyes was barely noticeable given the massive bruises and swelling that covered most of my features. It hurt to look at myself. I had never been beautiful in the way guys find girls. Pretty, yes. Sexy, definitely. But not beautiful. Now, I barely recognized the face staring back.
I splashed water on my face, attempting to calm myself further. I had to pull it together. Zane already knew something was wrong. He already regretted what almost happened. Now, I just had to go out there and face it.
I could just start talking first. Tell him that I totally understood that he got caught up in the whole "caretaker" thing.
That's exactly what I would do. Just pretend I knew what he was going to say and that it wasn't any big deal to me either. I felt my eyes start stinging with tears at the thought and I quickly blinked them away. Maybe it would be easier to just go back to bed. To my bed. I just wanted to forget this day ever happened. That would be for the best.
I grabbed the towel again and wiped the fresh tear that escaped.
"Get a grip, Lili," I said to myself, staring at the disfigured face in the mirror. I swallowed hard once more and took a deep breath before pulling open the bathroom door.
I stopped short when I saw Zane leaning against the wall directly across for the door. He was chewing on the inside of his cheek the way he did when he was thinking, his eyes searching my face. I forced a small smile, deciding in that moment I couldn't do it. The only way out of this shithole I'd dug was to pretend nothing happened.
"I'm starved." I moved to pass him, heading toward the kitchen. But he reached out and grabbed my hand, pulling me to a stop. I didn't turn to face him as I fought the urge to start crying again. I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to hear him say the words.
After a moment of silence, he pushed off from the wall and took a step toward me. Tugging lightly on my arm, he turned me to face him. I kept my head down, not sure if I could handle the regret I knew would be on his face, but it didn't matter. He wrapped both arms around my shoulders and pulled me into his chest.
"I'm sorry," he whispered the words into my hair. I immediately lost the tenuous hold I had on my tears. I tried to sob quietly but every breath hurt and the pain radiated from my head all the way through my chest. Zane never shushed me, he just held me and whispered the same two words over and over into my hair, softly pressing his lips to spots along my head.
I gave in, wrapping both my arms around his middle and holding on tightly. There was something warm and comforting and familiar about everything that was Zane — his scent, the way his arms felt, the sound of his voice — all of it spoke to something inside me, proving safety and security in a way I hadn't known possible.
Zane tightened his hold as I did. I could feel my ribs protesting, but I didn't care. The pain kept me grounded and the feeling of being held calmed me.
"Deep breaths, Pix," Zane said, his chest rising and falling against my cheek. I pressed my ear to his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart. I breathed in time with him, the hitches in my chest becoming further apart until they stopped altogether. "There you go."
He didn't release me completely but unwound one hand, using the side of his index finger to lift my chin. "Better?" he asked, his thumb softly grazing along my jaw. The breath I had just recovered seemed to be caught in my throat. I couldn't speak so I simply nodded twice, my eyes on his.
"Good," he said before lowering his face to mine. My heart and my breathing stopped the moment his lips touched mine. Like everything else, his lips were familiar. But, just like the night of his birthday, I could feel something different in this kiss. I felt it tearing away at my resolve, crumbling the last pieces of any sane and rational thought I possessed. I wanted him. I'd always wanted him and I knew that but, in this moment, it was too easy to pretend he wanted me too. So, I did.
I let my body respond to his. My hands tightened on him, my uninjured fingers twisting into the back of his shirt as I pushed onto my tiptoes. He groaned against my lips, his hand on my back moving to lightly cup my other cheek. His lips were fierce against mine but his hands were soft, careful around my injuries even though his eyes were firmly closed. My lips parted for his as he deepened the kiss and I lost myself completely, pressing my body fully against his. I could feel his body's response and he pulled back just slightly, slowing our movements. He planted several soft kisses along my lips before he opened his eyes, meeting mine with a look of something close to contentment.
His face was still close to mine, our breaths mingling as we stared at one another. I started to apologize for my meltdown, embarrassed that I'd cried in front of him, yet again. But, as I opened my mouth, his words from earlier came to mind. He was still staring straight into my eyes and I smiled softly, hoping to keep his mood positive.
"I guess you're done apologizing?" I asked and was rewarded with a slow grin creeping across his face.
He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine once more before he spoke. "Not even close."
"Did you really think I would just let you run away?"
I groaned, my entire body aching as I blinked through tears. I was tied to a chair in the center of the hotel room. This wasn't happening. It wasn't real. I kept trying to remind myself, to somehow break through the haze and wake up. But, it felt real. Every injury and every hit hurt as he paced in front of me, his hands behind his back now.
"This isn't real," I said the words through my teeth, hoping it would somehow be enough to pull free of the hold the dream had on my consciousness. Jordan's hand came out, striking me across the cheek so hard I tasted blood. I let out a cry and Jordan laughed.
"Feels pretty real to me," his voice was cold. There was a knock on the door and Jordan and I both looked toward the sound. This was new. Every time the nightmare was a little different but there had never been a knock before.
"Pix. Open up," Zane's voice floated through and I waited for my mind to pull me from the dream. It was time. Zane was waking me up again. Jordan moved behind me, covering my mouth with his hand.
"How does he know where you are?" Jordan's voice was low as he extended his arm forward, just inside my line of vision as the doorknob shook. The metallic click of the bullet entering the chamber of the gun resonated in my ears and I sobbed against Jordan's hand. I was so tired of this nightmare. I didn't want to die again. I didn't want to watch Zane be shot.
"Pixie, I just want to talk to you. Please," Zane begged, his fist slamming against the door three more times. "I know you're in there."
I sobbed again, squeezing my eyes closed. It's just a dream. It's just a dream.
The sound of the doorknob forced my eyes open and the second Zane came into view, I threw myself to the side, knocking the chair over and causing Jordan to lose his focus. Zane stared, frozen and wide-eyed and I felt the bite of the metal against my temple.
"Bitch!" Jordan cried and I kept my eyes on Zane's as the sound tore through my thoughts.
I woke with a sob caught in my aching throat. All my muscles were tight, tensed from the nightmare and my body was drenched in sweat. My arms were shaking as I pushed myself up to a sitting position, glancing around the room.
The bed was empty and the room was semi-dark. The pinkish hue that splashed the walls told me it was early evening. I'd been asleep for several hours. My breath stuttered in my chest as I pushed to my feet, my heart still hammering against my aching ribs as I moved toward the door, wondering where Zane was and why he wasn't in the room.
I stepped out into the hall, moving toward the bathroom first to clean up a little, knowing I was a mess after yet another nightmare. As I got close to the door, the sound of raised voices made me pause. I'd recognized Zane's voice. He had yelled something at someone outside. My heart pounded impossibly harder and fresh beads of sweat ran down my neck. I moved to the end of the hall, my body trembling as I listened for any more sounds. I could hear voices, but I couldn't make out t
he words. Lower tones that I knew were Zane's but there was another voice, too quiet for me to gather much from.
I paused before entering the living room, seeing the small streak of light that told me the front door was partly open. After waiting through a moment of silence, I could hear Zane's voice again, more clearly now that I was near the door.
"I don't know what you want me to say."
"Say you understand. Say you forgive me. I'm sorry, Z. I never meant for any of this to happen."
That voice I knew. Why the hell was Lizzie here? Even more, what exactly was she apologizing for? I inched closer to the door, no longer afraid of the person on the other side but still not wanting to be caught eavesdropping.
"It's been two years, Lizzie. Why now? Do you just enjoy toying with me?" Zane's voice sounded defeated. "You can't keep going back and forth. You cheated on me. I've moved on."
"You've moved on? Come on," she said with a dismissive laugh. "We both know how good it can be with us. I want to go back to that. We spent seven years together. The last two we've fallen back in bed together, how many times? You know we're meant to be."
"I can't keep doing this," Zane said but he sounded like he was pleading with her. I wanted to lean forward, to look out the door and see exactly what was happening but I couldn't force myself to move. My heart continued to pound painfully but now the ache was different. It wasn't my ribs that hurt, it was all of me. I could barely see through the blurriness of the fresh tears forming in my eyes.
"Don't answer now. Just think about it." There was a quiet moment, the shuffle of feet. Was she kissing him? Was he letting her?
I wanted to move. I begged my feet to take me back to my room and away from the pain, but it was impossible. I slid down the wall, crouched with my back curled over and my forehead resting on my knees. I wrapped my arms around my legs, trying to pull myself as tight as possible, wanting to hold myself together when it felt like I was falling apart.
"Pixie?" Zane's voice was shocked. I inhaled sharply, realizing I'd lost myself in the pain. I didn't move and I felt him hovering over me.
He didn't say anything else but I knew he wouldn't go away, even if I asked him to. I didn't bother wiping the tears, I no longer cared if he knew I was crying. I was too tired and too broken down to pretend now. I'd let him in and this is what happened.
I looked up, dropping my arms and pushing myself slowly to my feet. I shrank back from his offer of help, shrugging his hand away and fighting to keep my eyes looking straight into his. He took two steps back, placing himself against the opposite wall.
I tried to see what I'd seen before. The contentment he'd felt when he'd kissed me. The happiness I'd seen when we curled up on his bed and he dozed off holding me while we watched a movie. It wasn't there. All I could see was hurt and confusion.
The confusion was what spurred me into action. I locked down my emotions, trapping them away in the same way I had everything else in my past and wiping them from my face, both the physical proof of them in my tears and any telling look. I stared at him until I knew I could speak without my voice shaking.
"You love her."
His eyes widened. He looked shocked and somewhat terrified. "I… Pix, I—"
I held up a hand as I hummed a short sound of irritation that my voice had cracked when I spoke before. I cleared my throat and tried again.
"It wasn't a question."
He just stared, his jaw tight. For a moment, I considered letting him explain, but it didn't matter.
I turned, slipping past him before he could react and slammed my bedroom door. I flipped the lock just as his hand made contact with the wood.
"Lili, don't do this. I don't…"
I didn't wait to hear anymore. I turned to my iPod dock and cranked it as loud as it would go, cringing at the volume. The song I'd been listening to last flowed slowly through the speakers. I could still faintly hear his fist pounding against the door, but I couldn't hear a single word he said. That was good.
The song, however, was not.
It was hours later when the door was opened. Tish knelt on the floor with a hairpin he'd fashioned into a key to fit into the tiny hole of the lock. Kas was standing beside him and her eyes immediately found mine. Her lips moved but I just stared. I was sitting on my bed, my back against the headboard, with my knees tightly against my chest. The protests from my ribs were barely noticeable given the rest of the pain and I still felt the need to hold myself together. I hadn't cried. Even with the same song repeating every one of my own thoughts back to me countless times.
Kas rolled her eyes and stomped over to the dresser, turning the volume down on the radio.
"What the hell, Lili? You've been in here for hours."
I looked past her to the door, watching as Tish rose to his feet and leaned against the frame, crossing his arms. They were both pissed at me now. Great.
Kas stepped close, drawing my eyes back to her. "Look, I get that you've been through something terrible, but if you're not—"
I laughed, feeling the last of my control snap as the emotions flooded through me. She had no idea, the patronizing bitch. "What the fuck gives you the right to talk down to me? You don't know me!" Every part of me ached as I tried to move and stretch my body.
"You don't get to act like this. You're not a child, Lili. You're a fucking adult and you—"
"You don't know the first thing about me!" I screamed, staring her down. My breaths came in pants as my body started trembling with anger and adrenaline.
Kas threw her hands in the air, turning to Tish. "I give up. I fucking give up! You can try talking to her or let her sit in here and pout forever. Who the fuck cares?"
"Not you. That's for damn sure," I said, pushing her further, wanting the fight to release my pent up anger. "If you gave a fuck you would've told me she was in the fucking house when you had the chance. You didn't. You let me make a fool of myself."
Kas turned, looking over her shoulder at me from the doorway.
"Walk the fuck away, Kas. I don't want you here."
"Lee—" Tish started but Kas raised a hand and touched his arm to stop him. They exchanged a look and I narrowed my eyes, hating the certainty that they were somehow communicating about me right in front of my face.
"Get out!"
Kas didn't look back at me as she left the room, waiting for Tish to step inside completely before she closed the door behind her. Tish just stared at me for a moment, his expression guarded.
"What? I'm not apologizing. I'm right," I said, my heart finally feeling the smallest crack at the disappointment in Tish's eyes.
"What is wrong with you, Lee? Seriously?" He didn't move closer and it almost surprised me that he wasn't angrier.
"What's wrong with me?" I repeated his question, sagging back against the wall as the weight of his disapproval settled around me.
"I've never seen you act like this. What happened? You were fine yesterday." He finally stepped forward, taking a seat on the foot of my bed.
I shuffled uncomfortably, tugging at the blankets around me rather than looking him in the eyes. I didn't know what to say. I didn't lie to Tish. I'd never lied to Tish. In the last two years he had been patient and understanding with what little I'd tell him. Since the day I met him, he'd done nothing but go out of his way to protect me, no questions asked. He took in a girl off the streets, a girl he didn't know, because he could see she needed help.
I couldn't lie to him.
"Zane kissed me this afternoon," I said quietly, still not looking at him.
He took a slow, deep breath but he didn't speak right away. The silence unsettled me.
"And then he kissed Lizzie," I added.
Tish didn't speak as he stood from the bed. I could feel his anger pulse through the room as he paced. I finally looked up and his expression confirmed what I already knew.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" He clenched his hands into fists.
"She showed up when I was asleep. He didn't
know I was awake. They were on the porch and…" I trailed off, swallowing down the catch in my voice, hoping he didn't notice, but this was Tish. If I couldn't lie to him, I certainly couldn't hide anything from him. He turned to face me and his expression was heartbreaking. He felt guilty. I could see it in his eyes. He was going to admit to something I wasn't ready to hear.
"Don't…" I said, feeling the tears in my eyes.
"Lee, I'm sorry. I told him when you were in the hospital. I thought if he knew…"
"Don't!" I screamed the word. He knew. Zane knew how I felt before I ever showed up in his room and he let me in anyway. He let me in and he kissed me. And then he chose Lizzie. The reality of it crashed into me and I sobbed.
"I can't believe you! I trusted you!" I screamed covering my head with my hands. My throat tightened and I coughed, choking on the breaths I was trying to take. I tried to inhale but nothing was getting through.
"Deep breaths. Try to calm down," Tish said, his voice closer. I coughed again, lifting my head and meeting Tish's eyes. He looked a little panicked and it made me gasp again as I desperately tried to take in oxygen. "Come on, Lee. Breathe with me." He sat beside me and took a deep breath, lifting my hand to his chest. I curled in on myself, squeezing my eyes shut as I tried desperately to do as he said. I could feel the slow rise and fall of his chest but the last of my oxygen was quickly depleting.
"Zane!" Tish yelled and I opened my eyes again, still coughing. The door flew open several moments later and Zane ran toward the bed. "Her lips are blue! She can't breathe!"
"She's having an asthma attack. Go get Conner's inhaler. Top drawer of my dresser," Zane said. His voice was calm and he pulled me up by my shoulders. I didn't have any energy to fight him as he sat me upright on the edge of the bed, holding me there. "Sit up straight and try to stay calm. You're going to be okay."
