Just as I step out of the beach inspired shower – pebbled floor and all, it’s pretty kickass – my phone chirps alerting me of a message. I towel off and wrap the extra-large terrycloth around my waist, only to realize I forgot my bags in the truck. I had brought a few sets of clothes, but didn’t think to leave anything behind when I left and went back home for Christmas dinner with my mom. Brielle asked me to come back for this shindig, and I somehow got drafted into helping load up Hannah’s belongings when I arrived so early. I supposed that’s the joy of family, right, helping and being there. Picking up my phone after a third chirp, I bark out a laugh.
Ellie – damn get out of the shower already
Ellie – dude, jerk your gherkin at your own house
Ellie – I neeeeeeeeeeed your help!
I guess she’s finally awake. I pull the door open, and turn to throw my phone onto the bed before running downstairs for my bag but come to a halt when I smack into a body. A coconut and vanilla scented body. Edible. I reach out just in time to catch her from falling backward.
“To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction,” Brie breaths onto my chest.
“Yes, Newton. Your breathy voice and hands are causing my dick to twitch, and you are my friend so that’s probably a bad thing, right?” I smirk, staring down at her.
“Probably,” she smiles, finally meeting my eyes. “I was coming to see if you died in there.”
“Nope, it’s Hannah’s fault. The flooring is pebbled putting just the right pressure to my feet and the multi-jet sprayers… fuck me its heaven.”
“Wow, okay. So come help me in the kitchen. Please,” she pouts, “after you put clothes on.”
“Are you sad I have to put clothes on Ellie?” I taunt.
“No one should hide abs like that… or pecs, biceps,” her left brow arches and dimples take residence deep in her cheeks. “Shut up. You know you’re pretty.”
“Yeah, yeah. You’ll admit it one day, baby… you can’t keep this façade up forever.”
She expels a large breath and closes her eyes, smile still in place. “Friends, that’s all I got for ya handsome.”
“Mhmm, you say that batting those lashes and shaking your ass. It’s okay, I know your game.” I laugh loudly just before rubbing against her scooting past and down the stairs. “Give me ten and I’m all yours Ellie.”
Tiki torches surround the perimeter of the back yard, citronella bucket candles line the sides of the pool and food table, and music fills the air outside. We just finished the side dishes as people began arriving, and I sent Brie upstairs to change into her eveningwear – aka bikini. What? I’m only partially kidding. It’s a cookout and pool party. She can’t swim in jeans. Well, she could, but come on, that would be uncomfortable and she’s been feeling better since she woke up, why not enjoy it.
Plopping down onto the plush leather chair in the family room to wait for Brie, per her request, I look out toward the group of people surrounding the food table, talking and laughing. A little boy wobbles around, weaving in and out of a few legs before breaking free and finding the windowpane, I am staring out of. His little hands smack the glass as he suctions his open mouth to the window to make noises. Laughter bubbles in my throat the harder he hits the pane and laughs. Hearing footsteps near, I look to my right to see Brie smiling and waving to the little guy, her hair piled on top of her head, a thin white cover up over a turquoise and white bikini.
“You look relaxed,” she says dragging her attention back to me. Her deep chocolate eyes mirror the opposite of me.
“You don’t.” Standing I take two steps and look down into her waiting eyes. “You look gorgeous, my friend. Let’s get some dinner.”
“Ugh, I messed with that all day, I don’t want to eat it,” she whines and stomps her foot like I’d imagine that little tot outside to do.
“Too bad, you must eat. Pick something that’s on that doctor’s diet guide and get over it.”
“That’s Chase’s nephew, Isaac, he’s raising him.” She nods to the little human dancing as we walk closer to the door to join the guests.
“He’s cute. Now, let’s go. This here boy is growing, and I need fooooood.” I growl into her ear placing my hand on her lower back when she laughs. I can feel the tension and stress roll off her body as she sinks into my touch.
Friends. Don’t mess this up, Jase. You just got her back.
Once the door is open, Isaac screeches and runs to Brie. She bends down and scoops him into her arms, smothering his face in kisses. I keep my place to her side, ready for another round of inappropriate slander to ensue. Looking into the group, I find Carter and Hannah. He gives me a nod and heads our way. I know Hannah is aware of the events a few weeks ago, so I assume he knows, too. Yet, still Chase is here with the ability to make Brielle feel like shit again. What a prick, I don’t give a shit if he works or worked with Hannah, go out to lunch, don’t come here. Petulant… slightly.
“You guys better eat before it’s gone.” Carter nudges us closer to the food table and coaxes Isaac to come to him. “Brie, everything tastes amazing, by the way. Thank you for doing this and joining in for Han. She’s a train wreck about leaving tomorrow.”
“You know I’d do anything for Banana, Sparky. And she will be fine, she just needs a distraction.” Brie laughs and gives Carter an exaggerated wink.
“Yeah, yeah… on that note, I’m going to take this ‘lil firecracker to Han.” He shakes his head making his way back to Hannah.
“Food, go.” I grumble and lead her to the food table. Everyone has pretty much scattered to chairs or the pool, leaving only remnants of a once full buffet display. Handing her a plate then grabbing one for myself along with our plastic ware, we pick through our afternoon projects of fruit salad, mini meat wraps, and a plethora of desserts.
Dinner was excellent, if you ask me. Well, what wasn’t picked through already. The party has been going for a few hours and with the sun beginning to lower across the horizon. Those who stayed are settled into their beach chairs, hammocks, or playing water volleyball. I’m here, swaying to and fro in the chair hammock soaking up the laughter emanating from my best friends. Hannah, Carter, Jase, Brody, Ruthie, and a new chick, Alison, are all playing Cards Against Humanity, and it’s by far the most entertaining setting I’ve seen for a long while.
“Alison, pick a card,” Hannah instructs after shuffling the pile of the groups white cards.
“Oh hell,” she laughs rereading the black card labeled ‘A marriage is based on ____.’ and tosses down a white card labeled ‘masturbation’.
“Hannah, that best not be what our marriage is based on, I’ve used my hand enough!” Carter belts when he sees and hears the answer.
“Oh fuck, shit just got real.” Brody hoots as he reads the other cards aloud: nipple clamps, Keanu Reeves, sexy dance fighting, and Viagra. “Wait, who said ‘sexy dance fighting’?
“Me!” Ruthie boasts, laughing loudly.
“Imma marry this girl!” Brody shouts pointing at Ruthie.
“The fuck you are,” she yells shaking her head no violently.
“Next,” Jase hollers over the laughing and the game continues for about twenty or so rounds before I duck out to clean up. To say I needed that break in life is a bit of an understatement right now. I can’t help but become all too serious about so many other aspects of my life. The tension between Jase and Chase is palpable and it’s off the charts between Chase and me. Maybe one day everyone can be cordial. Probably not.
Once I have everything inside, I start discarding the uneaten food and loading up the dishwasher. Generally, I’d save whatever is salvageable, but mixing the temperatures, outdoor elements, and duration, it’s probably best to waste. The music from outside is barely audible unless someone opens the backdoor, which makes being able to relax a touch easier. My stomach growls and I set off in search of my Vanilla Cupcake Greek Yogurt Whips; of course, it’s on the bottom shelf in the back.
“Fu
ck,” I mutter, finally reaching the small container. Standing up, I quickly turn, only to gasp and jump out of my skin. “Holy shit, Chase. What the fuck?” I scowl.
“Uh, chill…” he says rolling his eyes, “I just made a cot and laid Isaac down in Hannah’s room until Brody and I take off.”
“It’s not nice to sneak attack people.” I snicker at my near freak out.
“Ha, tell me about it.” Chase deadpans.
“Low blow, but I did apologize. I just, you know…” I fail to find the words while in search of a spoon. I do not want to rehash all that was.
“I’m sorry, too, I shouldn’t have said what I did. I love you Brielle, I was just caught off guard and fucking hurt… pissed off.” Chase braces his arms on the island and pops himself up to sit on it. “I miss you.”
“I appreciate the apology. I wish it changes things, but it doesn’t.” I shrug as I open my snack.
“I just wish you could have talked to me… I mean, you don’t even know where I stand on all the stuff you threw out there. I could have worked with what’s going on. I could be there for you; you just have to let me.”
“Okay, I get that you would have preferred to talk through my feelings, thoughts on the future, and whatever, but the main problem lies within timing and love. I love you as a person, you’ve been an amazing friend to me, but I am not in love with you. I’ve never been in love with you.” I pause at his flinch, reality sucks but why hold back; he wanted to talk. “Don’t be like that, Chase.”
“I’m not being anything Brielle; I am only trying to understand. I am in love with you, how can we be on such different levels?” He asks and digs his fingers into his thighs. What happened?”
“I’m just not the one for you, I tried. Fuck did I try, but I’m the girl you couldn’t believe would behave the way she did when Braydon told you about us getting kicked out of Whole Foods, I’m the girl that would rather sit home in sweats than go to business dinners, the girl that acts like a thirteen year old boy whenever I have the chance, and I’m selfish.” I sigh, “I don’t want to settle, I don’t want someone to fix everything, and I want to live… thrive, be.”
“But you can have that with me; you just needed to tell me. Don’t you see? I’m willing to bend for you because I fucking love you?”
“No Chase, you love the Brielle that you’ve constructed in your head. The Brielle that I was for you, but I was breaking to fit into your world.”
“So it was all just…?” Chase scowls and pulls a face that resembles tasting something bitter.
“Chase, we started as friends then we started hanging out more, going out which assumed the role of dating. Our futures don’t align. You are practically a father to Isaac – a great one, but you put me in a box. A box where I felt I needed to be Keelie, help you raise Isaac, and if I would have continued to bend to be what you needed emotionally, I would have broken.”
“Yet, I only wanted you.” His eyes begin to glaze over when his gaze reaches mine.
“You wanted the me in that box, not the woman in front of you.” I muster a smile because it’s true and I know I’d never be the woman he needs.
“I wish you would have opened up… trusted me enough to be the real you, given me an opportunity to know your truth instead of faking or closing me out.” He responds earnestly.
“I know and I’m sorry.
“So,” he cuts me off, looking up searching my eyes for what comes next.
“Friends,” I suggest. Chase’s gaze finds the floor and his head shakes slightly before jumping off the island with a thump.
“Well, I need to get going,” he stammers. “I’ll see ya around,” he shrugs in defeat as he makes his way through the back door.
December 28
Well last night was fun… no really, parts were a blast, other moments were a tad uncomfortable but necessary. Being consistently ill due to side effects definitely makes you appreciate the moments when you are feeling like a normal human being. Jase makes me feel alive again. He reminds me what it’s like to feel wanted, desired and he gets me… like really knows me and gets me. That history helps, but I’d like to think it’s because we grew up and are friends again. The friends that are totally platonic… ONLY platonic. Anything else is a recipe for disaster. And I think Chase finally understands, or at least accepts my feelings. That’s hard, you know – not fitting into someone else’s expectations, but fuck that. No one should endure constantly feeling like they are letting someone else down.
See it was a good night; so before it goes to shit, I am going to sleep. 7am is only a few hours away.
“That’s the last of it from in here babe,” I shout from Hannah’s bedroom before rounding the corner and barely making it to the master bathroom before spewing into the no longer pristine commode for the umpteenth time this morning.
“Brie, are you sure you are going to be okay with Carter and I taking off today?” Hannah asks quietly while holding my hair up and rubbing my back. “We can wait a few days until you start feeling better, or until you can see Dr. Agbemaple again?
“Fuck that, Banana. I’ll be fine. We will call, Skype, text, I promise. I’ll be okay. Besides, who else will take care of Casa de Cray?” I reassure her around my toothbrush rapidly moving up and down and side to side in my mouth. “You found me the best doctors, Han. I’ll be okay. I wanna stay here.”
“Okay,” she mumbles. “Come do a walk through and make sure I have everything, okay?” I grab her hand swinging it back and forth as we make our way through her home, my home, the one I shared with her for nearly two years.
“Imma miss you, sister,” I whisper in her ear hugging her tight.
“Not near as much as I will miss you, Brie.” Hannah mumbles back. “Forever and always my soulmate, my friend.”
“Bitch you are never getting rid of me,” I laugh as my emotions bubble within and tears streak my cheeks.
“Don’t lose hope, Brie. Stop running from him. Eventually, your legs are gonna get tired and your heart will teach you a thing or two.” She whispers as she hugs me tight one more time before climbing into the U-Haul next to Carter. I take a step back onto the stoop, resting my weight against Jase as he wraps his arms around my shoulders. I raise my arms to cling to his touch, seeking comfort and support just as Hannah leans out the window, blows me a kiss, and waves farewell.
“I still can’t believe she’s moving back home. It makes sense though,” I shrug as we walk inside. “She’s getting married and having a baby, I guess her whole support system, aside from me is in Columbia.”
“You’re going to see her in a few months, and we both know you’ll still be attached at the hip… just now its figuratively as you’ll be on skype and the phone.” Jase assures me.
“Ellie, hurry the fuck up or we’re going to miss the flight.” I swear she was packed last night, what could possibly take this long? I suppose that after reaching a firm decision of her staying home weeks ago, then changing her mind just two days before I was scheduled to leave because she’d be bored with Hannah away, explains it. I mean two weeks post Hannah leaving has her crawling out of her skin. Skypes, texts, and FaceTime occur at all hours of the day and night… women.
“You are such a chick sometimes,” she grunts as she tosses her carry on over her shoulder. “I had to still pack up my laptop, kindle, chargers, Hannah’s wedding binder, and the baby shower binder… you know my necessities.”
“And you call me the chick. You could have sent half that shit with the bus.” I laugh and take her carry-on from her shoulder. “Did you get your meds? It’s easier to take them now then to have them shipped.”
“Yes, dad.”
“Don’t call me that. Ever. It’s creepy.” I shudder, follow her out to the Lincoln waiting for us, and open the back door. “After you.”
“Such a gentleman when you aren’t bossing me around,” she snickers as I sit next to her. We get approximately three miles down the road before she mumbles something about for
getting the seating chart. Doing my best to hide the smirk on my face, I decline to comment. “I know you heard me,” she grumbles again.
“Huh, no. What did you say?” I ask as we make our way to the airport still scrolling through my Instagram account.
“Fucker.”
“It’s Cali for a month, minus the trip to Phoenix. I told you, what you forget we can have sent to where we are, unless you go home before then.”
“Okay so five weeks there, then…?” she questions before obviously remembering the schedule she has harped over for the past week. “Then the south for a few weeks until we go to the Midwest. Frick you travel so much.”
“That’s my life, unless I throw in the towel. I’ve accomplished what I wanted. Perhaps I should just run the team?” I think aloud.
“The fuck you are quitting.” Brielle shakes her head like I’ve lost my mind dismissing the mention of my team. “You aren’t a quitter.”
“Not quitting, redirection.” I offer in explanation but she wants nothing to do with my idea. The town car comes to a stop at the departures gate, we each grab a suitcase, and I take both carry-ons toward the check-in. An hour later and two less suitcases, we plop down onto the most uncomfortable chairs known to man. There must be something in the budget for padded seating; I mean they rape you good and hard with ticket prices.
“So, Dr. Bradley has phoned the team medic to administer my Lupron, refilled my pain and nausea medication, and gave me her on-call pager number.”
“She just gave you her pager number?” I ask, because let’s be honest, I don’t think that is at all what happened. Seriously, this doctor needs to be paid double with Brie under her wing. She’s worse than an anomaly.
“Well I asked nicely and when that didn’t work, I just begged the nurse.” She laughs lightly as if relieved.
Finding Brielle (a Forever & Always novel) Page 6
