Symphony in Blue

by M. J. Duncan

  Gwen waved her left hand in the air off to the side of her chair as if the motion would catch the words she so desperately needed. “Lunch once or twice a week isn’t really a relationship, you know? And I …I know I’m not the easiest person to be with either. I practice on my own at least three hours a day and then have my LA Phil rehearsals on top of that, never mind the recording work, my teaching schedule, and the fact that I work most nights. After awhile, I just kind of accepted the idea that my relationship with her was the best I could expect to have.” She smiled sadly. “So, yeah. For the most part our relationship has been pretty much non-existent, but Mallory understands my job and the dedication it requires and she works the same hours, and I guess I…convinced myself that that occasionally being her first priority was better than being alone.” To her dismay, her voice was trembling. She had never discussed this with anyone, not even with Luke because he’d always been so critical of Mallory. “The irony is I mentioned Maui months ago, when the offer first came up, but a few days later she casually announced that she’d committed to playing with the Boston Pops instead. And she’s right, it would look better on her resume than a weekend in Hawaii. It’s just, I can’t remember the last time I felt like I was more important to her than a chance at a performance, or even a practice session.”

  “Gwen…”

  “I swear I didn’t go to Maui with any intention other than to do a job and catch a little sun. Sure, I hadn't been happy for a while, but I didn't quite understand how unhappy I was until I met you. You…you’re like sunshine personified. You made me smile and you made me feel like I mattered for the first time in longer than I can remember and I know that doesn't excuse what I did—that nothing can possibly excuse it, and I’m sorry that by sleeping with you that I dragged you into this whole thing—but I was just so very, very lonely and you are so very, very wonderful and I…” Gwen blinked back the tears that stung at the backs of her eyes and shrugged helplessly. “I just really liked you.”

  Dana pursed her lips and rubbed a hand over her forehead. “I’m sorry you went through that but I’m not gonna lie, Gwen--what you did left me pretty messed up.” Her jaw worked from side to side as she dragged her fingers through her hair, clearly weighing her next words. “The way you left without a clue…” She sighed heavily. “I get now why you hauled ass out of my hotel room that morning, but I wish you’d at least had the grace to let me know that I hadn’t done anything wrong. Not that a ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ note would have been much better, but it would have been something—you know? I mean, I spent two fucking weeks freaking out about whether I’d misread the situation and maybe forced you into something that –”

  “No! No. You didn’t misread anything.” Gwen swallowed thickly and looked down at her lap, letting the full weight of Dana’s words settle on her shoulders. “You’re right, I should have explained somehow. But I panicked, and all I could think of was that I shouldn’t be there, that I needed to leave. At that moment, the only person I was thinking about was myself and how badly I’d fucked up, and I’m so sorry that I made you feel like you had done something wrong, on top of everything else. I know I keep saying that, but I just really am so, so sorry about all of it.”

  “Yeah.” Dana’s eyes swept over Gwen’s face, the anger that had flared in her gaze moments before tempering into something closer to regret, and she sighed. “For what it’s worth, I really liked you too.”

  Gwen nodded, hating the way the finality in Dana’s tone made her stomach drop. She was under no illusion that she deserved anything more, but it still hurt.

  “I…” Dana bit her lip, her internal struggle over whatever she was going to say next written plainly on her face. After what seemed like forever but what was probably only a minute or two, she sighed as her lips twitched in a small, sad smile. “I still like you,” she confessed in a rough whisper, “even after everything, and I think that's what makes this so hard.”

  Gwen hummed in agreement and nodded slowly. “I know. I feel the same way. I wish…” She blew out a soft breath, unable to finish the thought because there were just so many things that she wished were different.

  “Yeah,” Dana murmured, slumping in her seat with a sigh, a slight frown tugging at her mouth. “Do you think we can just…I dunno.”

  “What?”

  Dana sighed and shook her head. “Don’t take this the wrong way, okay? But I liked hanging out with you in Maui. It’s not often that I meet somebody I just click with the way I did with you and I…even after all of this…I just really hate the idea of saying goodbye to you today and never seeing you again. Do you think…” She blinked hard and worried at her lower lip for a few seconds before asking hesitantly, “Would it be possible for us to try to be friends? Do things over?” She raked a hand through her hair and shrugged. “Or do you think that’d be too weird?”

  The question was so unexpected that it threw Gwen for a moment, and she rubbed her forehead with her left hand as she considered how to respond. The very last thing she wanted to do was to hurt Dana any more than she already had, but she couldn’t pretend that she hadn’t felt the same connection when they’d been together in Maui, and she would be lying if she said that she didn’t want to see if they might be able to salvage some of it. She held up a hand when Dana seemed like she might be about to say never mind to the whole thing. “It might be a little weird,” she admitted, hating the way Dana’s expression tightened at her words. “But I…” She shook her head. “I don’t click with people like we did very often either, and I…I’d like to try.”

  “Really?” Dana smiled hesitantly, her eyes brightening ever so slightly. “You do?”

  “I do.” Gwen smiled shyly and shrugged. “I just don’t know how…”

  Dana nodded slowly. “I’m guessing that since you were on your way out that you ate already?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Would you…” Dana’s right eyebrow lifted as her voice trailed off, tugging her right shoulder with it. “Do you want to maybe get a glass of water or something and just hang out here for a little bit while I eat? We can just talk and, I dunno…”

  “I think that sounds like a lot more fun than grocery shopping and laundry.” The left side of Gwen’s lips quirked in a small, cautious smile as she pulled her sunglasses back over her eyes and leaned back in her chair. She set her purse on the ground by her feet and crossed her legs, hoping that a more casual pose might just translate to a more casual conversation. She folded her hands on her lap, unsure of how, exactly, they might begin to form a friendship.

  Dana smiled as she, too, tugged her sunglasses back into place and relaxed in her seat. Her expression was thoughtful as she stared at Gwen, clearly trying to find some avenue of conversation that was safe to explore given the precariousness of their situation. And then, just when Gwen was about to give up hope that such an avenue existed, Dana landed upon the one topic they had spent at least an hour discussing when they’d been in Maui. “Have you read any good books since I saw you last? A friend recommended I check out Lynn Turner’s stuff, so I bought a couple of her books on my Kindle but I haven’t started them yet. How about you?”

  Gwen shook her head and sighed, both in relief that they might actually find a way to embark on this tentative friendship, and regret that she had exactly nothing to add to the conversation. “Work’s been a little crazy lately, so I haven’t had time to pick up anything new. But maybe I’ll check out that author, too.”

  “Work’s been busy, huh? Lots of concerts?”

  “Studio work, mostly.” Gwen shrugged. “For a video game score. Nothing terribly exciting. The summer is our off-season, so we don’t perform as much, but we start our Hollywood Bowl series this week.”

  “Really? That’s cool.”

  “Which part?” Gwen asked with a little laugh.

  “Both? I mean, you don’t strike me as a gamer or anything…” Dana’s voice trailed off questioningly and she grinned when Gwen shook her head. “But
playing at the Bowl has got to be pretty cool.”

  “It is. If you’re not busy, you should come by sometime. I mean, our weekday rehearsals are free to the public, but if you’d rather come to an evening show I can leave you a ticket at will call so you don’t have to pay to come in.”

  “Really?”

  Gwen nodded.

  “I’d like that.”

  “Me too,” Gwen murmured, smiling softly as she dipped her head in a small nod.

  SEVENTEEN

  Gwen relaxed in her seat as she directed her attention to Albert Rhode, who was tapping his baton on his stand to gather their attention as he moved to wrap-up their Monday morning rehearsal.

  “Nicely done, though we still need to play with more authority through the allegro section. I want those notes hit hard.” He swiped his baton through the air forcefully to emphasize his point.

  She zoned out while he delivered his assessment of their rehearsal—she knew that they had sounded good and any notes he would have for them would be minor—her attention instead focused on Mallory, who was sitting opposite her on the stage.

  Mallory had taken her seat just as Rhode arrived to begin rehearsal, and she had seemed thoroughly distracted all morning. Her playing had been flawless, of course, but Gwen could tell that she was just going through the motions. She noticed the way the hinge of Mallory’s jaw flexed every so often, and the way the fingers of her left hand danced along the neck of her violin between pieces, sliding over strings, no doubt practicing the fingering for whichever audition piece she was obsessing over. Her lips were pressed in a hard line of concentration, and her ice blue eyes were so blank and fathomless that Gwen had wondered if she’d even seen the music on the stand in front of her while they’d been playing.

  “Remember, tomorrow morning’s rehearsal is at the Bowl,” Rhode said, the sharp clap of his hands pulling Gwen back to the present. Every Tuesday and Thursday through the majority of the summer—with the exception of the nights they were to perform—they held an open rehearsal at the Bowl as a way to make classical music freely accessible to the public. “We’ll keep things nice and mellow for maybe two more weeks,” Rhode continued, smiling at the whoops and cheers the announcement wrought, “but come the middle of August, we’ll start ramping rehearsals back up to our regular schedule in preparation for the next season.” He chuckled at the group’s dramatic groans. “All right, guys. That's it for today. Get out of here.”

  Mallory was the first from her seat, and before Gwen could even think of calling out to her, she had disappeared through the stage door. Gwen sighed as she got to her feet, wishing she could have at least checked-in with her to see how she was doing, and ran a hand through her hair as she waited for Luke.

  “Nice to see you too, Maleficent,” Luke muttered as he got to Gwen’s side.

  “Stop.” Gwen bumped him with her shoulder as they fell into line behind their colleagues exiting the stage. “The audition is coming up fast and she’s already trying to work with a ridiculously shortened preparation period. Just give her a break.”

  “You are a much kinder soul than I am, my friend.” Luke patted her shoulder as they left the stage and made their way along the backstage corridor to where they had left their instrument cases.

  “Yes, well…” Gwen tried to shrug off his comment.

  “No,” Luke cut her off so forcefully that those around them looked back in surprise. He smiled sheepishly and then leaned in closer to continue in a softer voice that nevertheless rang with emotion, “I don't care what you've done and how much you feel like you deserve to suffer for your sins, you do not deserve to be treated like that.”

  “I know. But, really, does it matter?” she asked, giving him a look that begged for him to drop it for the time being because the last thing she needed was for her dirty laundry to make its way to the gossip chain.

  “I guess not.” Luke nodded and tilted his head toward the corner of the backstage area where they had left their instrument cases.

  They packed up in silence, and Gwen sighed as she flipped the final clasp on her case shut. The area around them had cleared out considerably, leaving little risk that their conversation would be overheard, and she tucked her hair behind her ears as she sat back on her heels. “I know this isn’t ideal. And I’m not going to sit here and tell you that being ignored by Mallory like that didn’t hurt, just a little, because I do still love her even though I’m not in love with her anymore, but…” She shook her head. “My feelings here don’t matter, okay? Do I wish things were different? Yes. Absolutely. But I’m trying to do the right thing, and I’m not going to do anything that will make her life more difficult right now. She deserves to win that London position. She's dedicated and a good leader and so incredibly talented that I can't believe she's even real when I listen to her play sometimes, and she deserves to have this moment. To have everything in her life line up in a way to help her achieve her dream. And part of that,” she stressed, “is me just dealing with this. Okay?”

  Luke scrubbed a hand over his face and nodded. “You’re right.” He pushed himself to his feet and offered her a hand to help pull her up. “I’m sorry.”

  “Thank you,” Gwen murmured as she took his hand and allowed him to yank her to her feet. She shouldered her cello case with a soft groan, and heard her phone in her purse beeped with an incoming text as she picked up her bag.

  “So do you wanna go get lunch or something?”

  “Sure. That sounds good.” Gwen frowned as she pulled the phone from her purse to check the message because Luke was here with her and she sincerely doubted it would be from Mallory given how distracted she had seemed all morning, and she smiled when she saw that it was from Dana.

  They had exchanged a few texts over the weekend after they’d parted ways Saturday afternoon, easing themselves into the whole friendship thing, so she wasn’t totally shocked to see that it was from her, but it was still a pleasant surprise.

  She swiped the notification open, and her eyebrows lifted when she saw that the first part of Dana’s text was a picture of her holding a yoga pose at the edge of what Gwen assumed was USC’s pool given the maroon banners just visible in the background, her prosthetic nowhere to be seen, looking utterly breathtaking a blue and silver one-piece suit. Her hands were pressed together, elbows out, in front of her chest, and she had the biggest smile on her face. Behind her, a dozen equally fit swimmers were caught in various stages of losing their balance, which only served to make the message Dana had attached to the image even funnier—I kick ass at Tree Pose. “Oh my god,” Gwen chuckled, shaking her head.

  “What?” Luke asked.

  Still laughing softly, Gwen turned the screen so he could see what she had sent her. She had spent more than an hour on the phone with him Saturday night talking through everything that had happened after he’d left her at the coffee shop, and it felt nice to share this part of her life with her best friend. It made it feel more real; like their attempt to settle into friendship might actually have a chance. “She’s a dork.”

  “Fuck, look at her shoulders!” Luke took the phone from her for a better look. “And the abs on those guys behind her!” he added, his eyes widening in clear appreciation as he double-tapped the screen and zoomed in on the image. “That’s insane!”

  Gwen let him look for a few seconds longer and then held her hand out for her phone. “Can I have that back?”

  “Fine,” Luke muttered dramatically, and grinned as he slapped it into her open palm. “Her caption to that picture really is pretty genius though.”

  “It is,” Gwen agreed as she looked at the image one last time. She bit her lip as she considered what an appropriate response to Dana’s text would be, and eventually settled for a short series of alternating confetti horns and clapping hands. Reply sent, she put the phone to sleep and slipped it back into her purse.

  “So the ‘just friends’”—he crooked his fingers in the air to emphasize the phrase—“thing is going o
kay, then?”

  Gwen nodded. “I wasn’t sure if it would, honestly, but we texted back and forth a bit this weekend and it feels like it will.”

  “I’m glad. So, when are you going to see her again?” Luke asked as they started making their way through the bowels of the hall in the direction of the elevator that would take them to their cars.

  “Tomorrow, actually,” Gwen admitted, glancing at him warily from the corner of her eye. She still wasn’t at all sure about what they were doing, but lunch had been Dana’s idea, and she hadn’t been able to think of a reason why it wouldn’t be okay for them to go out as friends. “She’s going to come to the open rehearsal and then we’re going to go to lunch afterwards.”

  Luke arched a brow in surprise. “You’re sure that’s a good idea? You know, since Mallory will be there and everything?”

  Gwen blew out a loud breath and shrugged. “Yes. No. I dunno. Honestly, it’s probably a really stupid idea, but we’re trying to become friends, and it’s just lunch—no different than if you and I were to go out together.”

  “We haven’t slept together, though.”

  “Yeah, well, she and I aren’t going to do that again, so…” Gwen shrugged as her voice trailed off. “I like her, Luke, and I know that this is weird, I do, but—”

  “Hey,” he interrupted with a kind smile. “I get it. And, yeah, it’s a little weird, but you deserve to be happy, Gwen.”