by Elle Casey
“In what way?”
“Well, I guess he told Barbara to stop looking and to stop talking about adoption. He just got tired of it, I guess.”
“Oh. That’s really sad.”
“I know, right? I mean, I know Barbara is crushed over it. But she’s telling me that he’s going to be fine with this.”
“You need to find out for sure before you commit,” I say.
“I know. She invited me to dinner tomorrow. Can you come?”
My mouth drops open. “Uh, yeah.” I can just picture us, two pregnant girls showing up at this guy’s house and him flipping his lid. It flashes in my mind that I should ask Colin to come with us, but just as quickly I dismiss that thought as ridiculous. He’d think I’m nuts just for asking. Just because we had a nice moment or two together, fueled by my confession, doesn’t mean we’re suddenly together or anything. I ignore the slight pang in my chest that appears over that thought.
“Phew! Good. I was so scared you’d say no. I just don’t want to go alone. I’m sure it’s safe, but I just need some moral support, and I don’t think asking my grandpa to go is the right thing now. Not yet anyway.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m good with it. What time?”
“Six o’clock.”
“Okay. Are you picking me up?”
“Yep! See you around five forty-five.”
“Okay. Bye. And congratulations!”
“Save that for after the dinner,” she says, just before hanging up.
As I finish dressing and get ready to start my day, I think about Charity and the risk she’s taking. She’s a brave girl, giving up her baby so he can have a better life than she can provide. A piece of me says I should probably do the same thing, but then I can’t imagine living without my child while someone else raises her. It’s true that there are plenty of people in a better position than I am to raise a baby. But that doesn’t mean for me that it’s the right answer to walk away from her. I just need to figure out how I can support myself and my child and make it work. I owe her that at the very least.
I leave my bedroom with my cell phone in hand, ready to make a few important phone calls and take the steps I need to in order to start making this life better suited to having a baby on board.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
MY FIRST CALL IS TO the gallery. I make an appointment to go view the pieces that Geraldine intends to show to her clients. Hopefully there won’t be any more surprises in there, but I plan to minimize the damage if there is. I’m allowing myself to have this irrational thought that Randy will keep my big secret and all of my troubles are now going to go away since he’s been run off by Colin. I know it’s not very realistic, but I’m going to keep on believing in my fantasy world until reality shows me it’s futile.
I do an hour of research online about art shows before making another phone call. The next appointment I set is with the accounting firm that’s working with Teagan’s lawyers. Quin said that they’d offered her a job based on the work she did for Teagan’s case, so I figure it wouldn’t hurt to go in there and give them a copy of my CV. Maybe they have two positions open. Quin and I have the same major and I’ve got grades as good as hers. I could start working part time after the baby is born and finish school at night or on weekends. Hopefully. Fingers crossed. If I can find someone to watch her while I’m not home, that is. Ugh. Another bridge to cross. Another obstacle to surmount. Stop worrying about it. Just get your work done.
Digging around in my purse for my sticky notes, I come out with one attached to my hand. I read it out loud into the empty kitchen as I peel it off my skin. “Ultrasound. Wednesday. Ten a.m.” My eyeballs bulge out of their sockets. “Ten o’clock?” My phone says it’s nine thirty already. “Dang it.”
My thumb hovers over the keys of my cell. I don’t know who to call. Colin’s too busy working and besides … he’s not my taxi. Same goes for everyone else in my life. I have no idea how the bus system works and no money to pay for a ride in a real taxi. I’d call and cancel the appointment altogether, but this one is important. It’s my final ultrasound before the baby’s born and it’s supposed to make sure everything’s okay and ready to go. What to do, what to do, what to do…?
My phone rings as I’m staring down at it. I don’t recognize the number.
“Hello?”
“Hey. It’s me. Colin.”
I frown, confused. “Hi. Where are you calling me from?”
“Work.”
“Oh. What’s up?”
“Just calling to see how you’re doing.”
My belly goes a little warm. He wants to know how I’m doing. Does that mean something? I think it does. “Oh. Well. I’m fine, I guess.”
“You guess? What’s wrong? That guy come back?”
“No, no, nothing like that. I just … have an appointment at the doctor and I’m kind of stuck here without a ride. I forgot all about it until just now.”
“I can come get you.”
“No, no, don’t worry about it. I’ll just reschedule.”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“No, Colin, don’t. Really. I don’t want you to get in trouble.”
“Don’t worry about it. I have to make a run out for parts anyway. Rebel won’t care.”
“He will. He just won’t say anything.”
“Well, then, that’s his problem isn’t it? See you in ten.”
He hangs up before I can complain. I stare at the phone and consider calling him back to tell him I’ve already cancelled the appointment and to not bother coming by. But I really, really want to go and see the baby one more time before she’s here. I’m just weeks away now and I’m worried that something will go wrong at the end. The closer she is to being here, the more real she seems. I know that’s crazy, even just thinking it like that, but it is what it is. I think I’ve spent too long living in the land of denial.
I run upstairs to try and wrangle my hair into a decent ponytail and put on some make-up. I have to talk myself out of cutting my own bangs. The few times I’ve given into the temptation it hasn’t gone well. By the time Colin shows up I’ve changed my clothes twice.
“You ready?” he asks, standing in my doorway.
“Yep.” I grab my phone off my dresser and move towards the door, expecting him to back away.
He doesn’t. He stands there waiting for me to get closer.
“You eat that breakfast I made for you?”
“Made for me? It was cereal, Colin. And yes, I ate it.”
“Good.” He smiles, moving sideways so I can come out of the room.
I gesture with my finger at the doorway. “Keep going. I can’t fit through that tiny space.”
He goes out into the hallway and waits for me. I breeze past him and go down the stairs, trying not to get too excited over the fact that he’s behind me. This feels like more than just a ride, but I’m sure I’m reading too much into it.
“Where are we going?” he asks, moving around me to get to the front door first. He holds it open as I step through and onto the porch.
“The clinic. Same place you took me to before.”
He closes and locks the door and then jogs to the curb so he can open the car door for me.
“Wow, what a gentleman.” The silly girl in me pretends this is a date.
“Always,” he says, shooting me a charming grin before getting into the driver’s seat.
“So what’s this appointment for?” he asks as he pulls out onto the street.
I fold my hands nervously over my stomach, trying to act casual about going to a doctor’s appointment with Colin. “An ultrasound to see the baby once more before she’s born.”
“You can see her?”
“Kind of. It’s not like a photograph or anything but it’s good for seeing basic stuff. Haven’t you ever seen one before?”
He glances at me before going back to his driving. “No. I’ve never been with a pregnant girl before.”
With a pregna
nt girl. He said ‘with’. My tender heart wants to read all kinds of things into that statement, but I can’t let it. He means with as in physically present. Not with with.
We ride the rest of the way in silence. I can see him looking over at me occasionally, but I don’t comment and don’t return the gestures. It’s too nerve-wracking.
I’m so confused right now. We slept in the same bed last night. He brought me breakfast. He said he wants to kiss me. Does he like me? Is that even possible? The dreamer in me says yes. The normal human being in me says no way.
I must be some kind of weird challenge to him or something. Maybe the idea of bagging a pregnant girl is some kind of Fear Factor thing for him. Like eating bugs or jumping off a bridge with a bungee cord attached to his butt. My heart sinks at the idea. By the time we arrive at the clinic, I’m thoroughly depressed.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
I’M LYING ON THE EXAM table with my shirt pulled up to my boobs when the door opens and the ultrasound tech comes in. Right behind her is Colin looking very nervous or angry or something. My mouth drops open in shock.
“Didn’t want your boyfriend left out there all by himself!” the tech says. “It’s no fun just seeing the prints after. Live action is so much better. Go ahead and take that seat over there,” she says to him. “You can roll it over to be next to …” She looks at my chart. “Alissa.” She winks at me and turns out the lights. Then she’s too busy at her machine clicking buttons to pay me any attention … me and my heart attack.
Even though it’s pretty dark and I’m staring at the ceiling, I can tell when Colin is near by his smell. Paint and engines and cologne. All man. I finally look over at him, the green glow of the machine making his face look almost evil-dangerous. I must be high because he looks even better than normal. It makes me wish my stupid belly wasn’t rising up off the exam table like Mount Vesuvius. I could not possibly be less sexy than I am now.
“What are you doing in here?” I mouth the words to him.
“What?” he leans in towards my face and whispers back.
I glare at him, going cross-eyed because he’s so near, but I don’t bother repeating myself. The tech is coming closer with her bottle of goo and I don’t want to cause a fuss by having him kicked out. Besides … if I’m being honest with myself, I have to admit there’s a tiny piece of me that’s happy to not be alone in here like I usually am.
The bottle of gel makes an embarrassing farty sound when it runs out of stuff halfway through being dispensed onto my stomach. The tech tries three more times and it happens every one of them. I thought I could handle Colin being in here with me, but apparently not. I start giggling uncontrollably.
“Somebody’s excited about her last ultrasound,” says the tech, smiling vaguely.
Colin takes me by the hand and just rests his arm on the side of the table next to me. It quiets me down immediately. He’s completely serious and somehow has managed to dominate the room. I feel like I just got served a Valium.
As the ultrasound wand moves through the gel over my belly, a vision of my baby girl comes up on the screen. I’m not sure I’ve ever been involved in such an intimate moment before. It’s not like my previous appointments, where everything was so clinical and cold. With a man in the room, especially a man like Colin, it’s completely different.
I tear my eyes away from the screen for just a minute to watch him. His expression is set in stone and his jaw muscle bumps out occasionally. I can just see his face in profile and I’m struck once more by how handsome he is. His thumb moves to stroke the back of my hand and it gives me goosebumps all over.
“Head circumference is gooooood,” the tech says, clicking on some buttons. I hear paper printing out near her feet.
“Aaaand there’s a hand.” She reaches up and points to the screen for our benefit.
“You can see the fingers,” Colin says, his voice breaking between a whisper and a soft tone. He sounds like a teenager going through puberty.
“Yep. Five on one hand … five on the other. As far as we can tell, anyway.” The wand moves to another part of my belly.
The screen turns into a mushy image and then another view comes up. The tech points once again. “Abdomen. Heart. See it beating there?”
She turns a knob on her machine and the sound fills the room, the whoosh, whoosh, whoosh telling us that my baby girl is alive and kicking in there. And then she does actually kick and her little body moves around on the screen and on the table.
I start to cry. I’ve never done that before in here. Usually during these things I find myself feeling detached and absent, but today I’m fully here. I’m deeply grateful for it, that I could participate in the process before she arrives. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I’m so close to being finished that’s causing this emotion to take me over or the fact that I’m sharing it with someone special, but whatever it is … Thank you, God.
I look over at Colin. He appears mesmerized by what’s on the screen. “Is that her face?” he asks. “Oh my … Jesus, that’s her face.”
“Language, Colin,” I say, a smile taking the sting out of my words.
“I was praying, leave me alone,” he says, not even looking at me. “Look, there’s her nose.” He looks at me, grinning. “She has your nose. All pointy and stuff.”
“Colin!” I should be annoyed but I’m secretly thrilled that he’s even bothered to look at my face that close.
The tech laughs. “He means perky, I’m pretty sure.”
“Yeah, perky. That’s what I meant.” Colin pats me on the shoulder, back to staring at the screen. “I wonder if she’s a waddler too.”
I shove his shoulder. “Alright, that’s it. You’re kicked out.” And I’ve been trying so hard not to look like a penguin. Fail.
The tech puts her wand away and moves the screen back out of sight. “We’re all done here. Looks like you’re good to go. I’ll send my report to the doctor and someone will call you if there are any questions.” She pulls some glossy black and white papers from her printer and hands them to me.
Colin stands. “I’ll meet you outside.” He leans down and kisses me on the forehead before disappearing from the room. It’s like he’s in a hurry and can’t get out of there fast enough. And he kissed me!
I shake my head at his roller coaster reactions. First he’s serious, then amazed, then pulling my chain, and back to being all freaked out again. He’s worse than me, I think. And he kissed me too. I can’t stop smiling.
“Lucky girl,” the tech says as she moves to turn on the lights.
I don’t argue or try to explain. Because even though he’s not my boyfriend, he is my friend and that does make me lucky. “Yeah.”
I’m in the car with him, folding up my ultrasound papers when he finally finds it in himself to start talking again. “That was cool.”
“Yeah, it was.” I’m smiling, staring at the picture of her in profile. “Do you really think she has a pointy nose?”
He reaches over and pats my leg. “Yeah.”
“Co-lin!” I can’t believe the nerve of him. He was supposed to say, Of course not. “You’re a butthead.”
He grins at me for a second and then goes back to looking out the window.
“You’re pure trouble, you know that?”
“Hell yeah, I know it.” His expression goes cold. Like a light switch - off.
“I was just kidding,” I say, feeling bad that I ruined the fun we were having. It’s not fair that he can call me a pointy-nosed penguin and I can’t call him trouble. Talk about double-standards.
A few minutes later he starts talking again, and right out the blue he floors me. His tone is casual, but his words are anything but. “You should give me one of those pictures you got.”
I forget to be annoyed at his sensitivity to name-calling.
“What pictures? These pictures?” I look down at the ultrasound printouts.
“Yeah, those pictures. What other pictures would I be talking
about?”
Dread creeps into my chest. I don’t know why, but suddenly I feel very worried and scared and … sad. “Why?”
He shrugs, still very nonchalant. “I don’t know. Because I asked for one.”
My ears are burning. I don’t know what to think or what to say, so of course I say the stupid thing, because that’s what I do best. “Why did you ask for one, though?”
He shakes his head, his bottom jaw off kilter. “Jesus, never mind. If you don’t want me to have one just say so.”
“It’s not …” I give up on trying to fix things. I’m sure I’ll just muck it up anyway. I don’t know why he wants a picture of my baby, and I don’t know why I hesitate to give him one. Maybe because it feels like a really big deal. Like a really, really big deal.
I’m not sure if he understands how much it means, and that’s important. We can’t be thinking two different things about sharing baby pictures. People give baby pictures to husbands and fathers and grandparents and lovers. Colin is … Colin is …. none of those things. He’s my employer. He’s my friend. He has an art studio above my bedroom. He’s … never going to fall for a girl like me. So why on earth would he want a picture of my baby?
We pull up to the house and I sigh, feeling very alone, even though I’m just two feet away from Colin. I unbuckle my seatbelt and look over at him. “Thanks for the ride.”
He doesn’t say anything. He just stares out the front window, tapping his thumb on the steering wheel.
I take my purse and my pictures and leave the car, slowly walking up the front yard to the porch. He peels out and is gone before I even reach the door. Tears make my vision too blurry to find the lock with my key.
Rejection. God, why does it have to be so darn painful.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
AFTER A NAP, ANOTHER SHOWER, a re-scheduling of my gallery appointment, and some Internet surfing, I’m ready for the dinner with Charity and her prospective baby-parents. I’m nervous, so I can only imagine what shape she’s in. When she pulls up to the front of the house and I get in the car, I get the impression she’s as bad or worse off than I am.
