by Elle Casey
I gather the baby up from the bed with her soft blanket around her and go downstairs, resting my nose on her head for a few seconds when I get to the bottom. She smells like heaven to me.
The first person to see me is Linda, Charlie’s mother.
“There she is! The beautiful girl!” She puts her hands on either side of my face and kisses me on the cheek. “Gorgeous, gorgeous!” She shifts her attention to the baby. “Aaaand, here’s the baaabyyyy!”
I happily hand her over. Hal joins his wife and they both look down at their granddaughter with shining, adoring expressions. I cannot believe how lucky I am that they turned out to be so normal. I’m really not sure how Charlie came out of their nest. I’ve decided he must have fallen out of it and landed on his stupid head.
I’m both happy and sad that he’s in jail. He deserves to be there, but now that I’m a mother, I can appreciate how devastating that must be for his parents. It makes me a lot more tolerant of their desire to spend time with their granddaughter.
Charity is in the corner of the room with Rat. With Rat now working at Rebel Wheels on weekends, I’m seeing more and more of them. High school romance is so adorable. I’m so happy for them and for Barbara and Michael. Charity’s baby has been nothing but a blessing to them. Now I understand why they were so desperate to be parents. It’s the best, most amazing thing I’ve ever done.
“Hello, Alissa,” says a female voice off to my right. She hands me a glass of orange juice.
“Natalie! Hi! Thanks for coming.” I give my lawyer and friend a hug. “You look pretty fabulous.”
She does a quick modeling move for me. “Bought it yesterday. Paid full price.”
I laugh. “Clothes like that never go on sale.”
She winks. “So … we happy?” She surveys the room with me.
“Yes. Very.”
“I think all things considered, the case went very well.”
I nod. “Well, him admitting what he did, and the D.A. having all the videotape evidence didn’t hurt, did it?”
“What I didn’t see coming was the friend,” says Natalie, frowning.
“Who, Randy?”
“Yes. Usually, those guys stick together. All the crim law guys in the firm were surprised too. Lucky break, I guess.”
“Teagan says Randy was a jealous b-word and finally had enough of Charlie’s nonsense. Hell hath no fury like a scorned best friend or something like that.”
“Nonsense meaning he was tired of Charlie messing with girls or something else?”
I shrug.
“What are you guys talking about?” Quin asks, coming up behind us.
“Randy, the jealous twerp who came up with all those videos of Charlie for the D.A.”
“Know what I heard?” Quin drops her voice. “Lindey said that apparently one night when there was way too much alcohol involved, there was something that happened between Charlie and Randy … so I guess Randy felt his emotions were justified … he was punishing Charlie for blowing him off for all those girls.”
I look at her, shocked to be hearing this. Charlie was a homophobe from the word go. Imagining him with Randy makes my head hurt with confusion. “Are you serious?”
Quin waves her hand around carelessly. “Well, it was Lindey saying it, so you never know. She had those posters on her wall. Shawn Cassidy? Please.”
I frown, confused about what posters have to do with anything. Is that code for something?
Quin smiles and walks away never filling me in. But I don’t care. Randy is part of my past. Charlie … he’s part of my past too. Yes, to some degree he’ll always be a part of my life, but from now on, it will be on my terms, not his. I can live with that.
“Every day I work in this field I have one universal truth that keeps coming up and reminding me of its existence,” Natalie says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s that?”
“Truth is stranger than fiction.” She winks at me. “I’m going to go mingle with the Curtises. They’re good referral sources for me. Talk to you soon.”
Teagan comes over and puts her arm around me as Natalie drifts off. “All’s well that ends well, right?” she says.
“Yes. Are you good?”
“Hell to the fuck yes, I’m happy. My lawyers took that bitch downtown. She thinks she’s going to keep my one million bucks? Pffft. Riiight.” Teagan grins at me. “Did I tell you they froze all her assets? Every last penny. Boom! Now I just need to wait for the D.A. to nail her ass to the wall and I can get the last of her ill-gotten gains. Otherwise, I got everything, right? Stocks, my dad’s house, the cars, the artwork, most of the insurance money, blah, blah, blah…”
“What are you going to do with all of it, though? Are you going to run the company? Move away?” The idea of her no longer harassing me or dropping F-bombs all over my life is positively depressing.
She bumps me with her hip. “Why? You gonna miss me?”
“Heck yes, I’ll miss you.” I bump her back. “So will your goddaughter.”
“Good. Because I’m not leaving. I already got an offer to buy the company from some egghead in Seattle.”
“But what about the IPO?”
“Nah. I don’t have the chops for that. I’ll take my fifty million cash and skeedaddle. Let them handle all that jizz.”
I choke on my orange juice. “Fifty … fuck … what?”
She points at me and bends over, laughing her butt off. “You just said fuck!” She stumbles away to share my faux pas with Quin. Soon they’re both laughing.
I can’t believe I’m looking at a mulit-millionaire right now. Her favorite present ever is a karaoke machine that Rebel bought her last week and she just downloaded a fart app onto her phone which she’s been using judiciously at the most inopportune times. She’s been torturing us with both items for hours every day. What’s she going to do with all that money? I laugh imagining the answer to my question.
“It’s time, everyone!” Mick yells from the back door. “Everyone in the backyard, pronto. Father Tim ain’t got all day.”
Linda comes over with the baby. “Here you are, dear. We’ll see you out there.” She winks and leaves for the backyard with Hal right behind her. Quin’s parents and siblings are next. I’m the last one leaving the living room when the doorbell rings.
“I’ll get it!” I say, watching as Colin waves from the back door. He’s watching me, making sure I’m okay.
I’m still smiling over his protectiveness when I open the door to greet the late arrivals. I can’t imagine who it will be. Everyone I care about is already here.
The door swings open and I see who it is.
My face falls.
My heart stops beating.
I can feel the blood draining from my face.
“Hello, Alissa.”
CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
MY MOUTH WANTS TO RESPOND but it can’t. It’s not working anymore.
It’s only when I hear Colin’s quick footsteps behind me that I can breathe again.
“Hello,” Colin says, putting his arm around my shoulders. “I assume you’re Alissa’s parents?”
My father nods. “Yes. We are. I’m Jim and this is Mary.”
My mother just stares at me. She looks worse than I do, I’m pretty sure. She’s lost a lot of weight and has dark circles under her eyes.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper. I’m a little girl again, looking at the people who brought me into this world. I feel vulnerable and scared. This was a sneak attack of the worst kind.
“Your friends invited us,” my father says.
I grit my teeth together. “What are you doing here, Mom?” I’m mad at her. Furious. She looks sad, like she’s sorry, but she’s just standing there saying nothing, letting my father speak for her as usual.
“I came to see you. To see the baby,” she finally says.
I’m trying so hard not to cry. I’m not really succeeding, though. But I’ll be darned if I’m going to l
et those traitor tears fall. I blink over and over, willing them to go away.
“Colin told us over the phone that you were having a baptism and a naming ceremony and we wanted to take part,” my father explains. “To bear witness.”
“As long as it was okay with you,” my mom adds. “We’d really like to be a part of it.”
I lift my chin. “You haven’t been a part of anything I’ve done for the last eight months. Why the sudden interest now?”
My father drops his gaze to his feet. This is the first sign he’s given me that he feels any remorse. “We made a mistake.”
“A very grave, very serious mistake,” my mom says, her eyes pleading with me. She’s wringing her hands, a sure sign she’s worried. “We shut you out when we should have drawn you in. We ignored you when you needed us. We pushed you away when you needed arms wrapped around you in love and understanding.” She’s crying pretty badly, barely able to get the words out. “Can you ever forgive us? Do you still have room in your heart for your parents, as flawed as they might be?”
I can’t answer. I’m happy now without them. And they caused me so much pain. It’s not something a girl just gets over.
Colin clears his throat. “I lost my mom a while back.”
We all look at him.
“Every day I wish I could have her for just another hour or even a minute, so I can tell her how much she meant to me. I hope you guys can fix this so that you don’t have to live with regret like I do.”
He walks away, to the back of the house.
I turn fully around, shocked that I’m alone in front of these people who abandoned me. “You’re leaving me?” I sound so pitiful, but I can’t help it. He’s my guardian angel. Why is he going away?
He shakes his head. “Hell no, I’m not leaving you. I’m just giving you the space you need to stand on your own, babe. I’ll be waiting outside. Shout if you need me.”
And just like that, he makes it all okay. I turn back to face my parents, pride in my boyfriend and pride in myself giving me the strength I need to say what needs to be said.
I stare at them both, one by one, refusing to let them look away. “I lived on my own for eight months. It was only through the grace of God and generosity of my friends that I survived to have this baby. You kicked me out … an unmarried pregnant girl who suffered a brutal rape … because I didn’t fit your mold of what a perfect woman should be. I am never going to forget that. I know you want me to, but I’m sorry, I can’t.”
I huff out a sigh, looking down at my daughter, feeling as if with that one big breath I somehow let the demons escape my system that had been haunting me and controlling my head and my heart for more than half a year.
My baby girl is looking up at me with her innocent face, her blue eyes like the deepest of oceans, her skin like the richest of creams, and in her, I see my ancestors. My parents. All the people who are responsible for me standing here on this porch today, preparing to celebrate the entry of my baby into the world.
I continue, still staring at her beautiful face. “But I’m not going to keep punishing you for what you did. For the mistakes you made. Life’s too short to live with that kind of darkness.” I look at my mom. “Mom, you and Dad are welcome here anytime, but it’s going to be on my terms. No more judging me, criticizing me, or using your love as a weapon against me.”
She nods. “That’s fair.”
I look up. “And Dad, no more bullying. No more judging me or Mom. Loosen up that choke hold, or you will lose me. And next time, it will be forever. I’m a mother now. I don’t have the time or the patience to play games with anyone.”
“Life is not a game,” my father says.
“No, it’s not.”
“I wasn’t playing games with you before. I was doing what I thought was right. But I was angry. I was focused on the wrong things, what I imagined people would think of our family, instead of what was best for you. And for that, I will always be regretful.”
I nod. This is as good as an apology as I will ever get from this man. And as many faults as he has, he’s still my dad. He’s the guy who taught me how to ride a bike, to throw a ball, and to plant a tree. Someday, I hope Colin will do that for my children. And today is the first step towards getting us there. Life is not about holding grudges. It’s about forgiving and letting go.
“Come on out to the backyard,” I say, moving out of the doorway so they can pass. “Everyone’s waiting.”
CHAPTER SIXTY
MY PARENTS FIND A SPOT to stand behind Charlie’s parents. That’s going to be an interesting introduction, I say to myself as I walk by. I’ll save it for later, though, because I have fun things ahead of me that I can’t wait any longer for.
The priest is waiting at the front of the small crowd, a pedestal and a silver bowl in front of him. There’s a flowered arbor over his head and those of Colin, Teagan, and Quin too. All of them are there waiting for me and the baby, dressed in their finest. Mick and Rebel are off to the side, both of them wearing suits with their hair freshly spiked. I can hear Jersey in the crowd somewhere running his toy car, probably over someone’s head.
The priest smiles at me. “Good morning,” he says, his face glowing with happiness. I’m not sure if it’s that smile or his flaming red hair that has me grinning back.
“Good morning,” I say, stopping next to Colin.
“I was told you wanted something short and sweet,” the priest says.
I’m glad to see he’s not offended by my request. “Yes. I’m not big on long ceremonies and she gets hungry a lot.”
Everyone laughs and my face feels hot as I realize I just kind of talked about my boobs in front of a crowd.
“Okay, then. How about we all hold hands to start…”
I can’t help but giggle at Rebel holding Mick’s hand. He does it without complaint but it looks so out of character for him. I think Teagan’s about to melt with goofiness over it the way her face is all sappy looking.
“Friends … brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, grandmothers and grandfathers … we are gathered here today to celebrate the birth of this beautiful baby with her mother Alissa. A child so loved and so cherished, that all of her friends have come together to witness both her naming and her baptism. Let us take a moment to gaze upon her beautiful face, a shining example of God’s love.”
I take her blankets off and angle her up so everyone can see her. I’m teary-eyed with pride. She really is the prettiest baby that was ever born. When everyone oohs and aaahs, I’m absolutely sure it’s completely genuine. I’m glad none of them have babies right now so they won’t become horribly jealous of me having one so much cuter.
“Have you selected a name for this lovely angel?” the priest asks me.
“Yes, I have,” I say, facing my friends one at a time.
The priest continues. “Please announce to her and to all her friends what you have chosen.”
I lean down and whisper in my baby girl’s ear the name I picked out especially for her. When she doesn’t cry, I take that as a signal that she’s okay with it. I lift my head to face my friends.
“From this day forward, my baby girl shall be known as Colleen Teaquin Benson.”
Both Teagan and Quin start squealing and jumping up and down. The small bouquets of flowers they were holding are quickly shredded in the process and the petals rain down to cover their feet.
The priest’s voice takes on a booming quality, making me almost think he has a microphone hidden somewhere. “Welcome! Colleen Teaquin Benson, into our world. May you always find blessed happiness, enduring friendships, and supportive love from those here today.” He puts his hands together. “Who are the godparents?”
I sweep my arm to the right. “They’re right there. Mick, Rebel, Colin, Teagan, and Quin.”
Colin’s face looks all warped. It’s only when he’s closer that I realize it’s because he’s fighting emotion but losing the battle.
“You okay, babe?” I whisper
in his ear.
He looks off into the distance. “Yeah.” The word barely makes it out.
I put my hand on his arm as the priest is giving Colleen’s other godparents some instructions. “Are you sure? Are you mad? You look mad.” I feel sick over it. Did I make a mistake? Did I make the wrong choice? Did I misunderstand something?
He finally looks at me and his face starts spasming even worse. “You named her … Colleen.”
I smile, feeling both happy and sad at the same time. “Are you mad?”
“Is it … is it … for me?”
I nod. “It was the closest I could get to Colin without it sounding like a boy name.”
His face crumbles and he takes me into a bear hug, squishing the baby between us.
I pat him on the back, more than a little surprised at his strong reaction. “It’s okay, babe. Really. It’s okay.”
He pulls away. “Yeah. I’m fine. I’m fine.” He wipes his face, takes a few deep breaths, growls a little, and then looks off into the distance again.
I reach up and touch his cheek. “I owe you so much.”
He shakes his head but says nothing. His jaw muscles are clenching and unclenching over and over. He looks like he’s ready to punch something.
“You make me feel … strong again. Strong maybe for the first time. You helped me find me again. Every time I look at my daughter, no matter what happens between us, I want to remember that. I want to know that because of you, I had her and I loved her the minute she was born. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t hating the world, I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself anymore.”
He looks down at me again. “You did that.” He clears the frog out of his throat. “It wasn’t me.” He smiles gently. “But I’m gonna go ahead and let you give me credit because maybe then you’ll stick around.”
