by Lynda Renham
‘Is it a strap on you ladies are looking for? In the mood for a bit of excitement are we? We have some fab ones that have just arrived.’
He holds up a black strap on dildo and I think Muffy may faint.
‘Oh Jesus,’ she groans. ‘I wouldn’t let you near me with one of those.’
I sigh.
‘Muffy, we don’t have that kind of relationship.’
‘As long as you’re very clear on that,’ she says flicking through the DVDs.
I stare fascinated at the leather outfits and pink wigs.
‘I’m broke,’ I say.
‘I don’t get the connection. Do you think if you become multi-orgasmic, it will help things?’
‘I need to do something. I need money. I’ve broken into my wedding savings.’
‘You won’t make much having a sex party,’ she says, glancing through a porno mag.
‘How about the lipstick vibrator,’ offers the man, ‘no one need ever know? Just pop it into your handbag, small enough for those secret moments.’
Muffy sighs.
‘You don’t give up do you? Thanks but no thanks. Those things get stuck.’
I gape at her.
‘Stuck? You never told me that.’
‘I had to use salad tongs, so now you know. Avoid secret moments is my advice.’
‘Ooh salad tongs,’ grins the assistant. ‘Maybe we should start stocking those.’
‘I’m an expert with knuckledusters too,’ says Muffy, examining a mask.
I smile at the assistant and thank God the place is empty.
‘I need to do something for money,’ I say.
‘I wouldn’t say that too loudly in here doll,’ says the assistant.
Muffy gasps.
‘You’re not thinking of … Oh cock it Binki. I know with your name it would look good but …’
What is she talking about? I cock my head.
‘But, well look what happened to Linda Lovelace,’ she finishes.
‘I’ve got one copy of Deep Throat left if that’s your fancy?’ he says reaching under the counter.
‘Oh do shut up,’ Muffy snaps.
‘Do I look like the next Deep Throat starlet to you?’ I say exasperated.
‘I was just seeing things like Binki Rides Again or Binki Swallows It All.
We giggle and Muffy crosses her legs.
‘God I need to pee,’ she chuckles.
‘I’m enquiring about the sales assistant position,’ I say to the shop assistant.
He disappointingly puts the video away.
‘You’ve got to be kidding,’ says Muffy. ‘Christ, you’ll be turning tricks next.’
‘Oh right,’ says the assistant brightening. ‘Well it’s four afternoons a week. Two until seven. You want the forms? You’ll most likely get it,’ he says handing me a sheet of paper.
‘Do you think so?’ I say, feeling flattered.
‘Yeah, seeing as no one else has applied. Here, have a chocolate penis, on the house. Want a bag of them? The sell-by-date’s gone so you can have the lot and a bag of chocolate nipples too. Good luck, I need a break. I’m bloody dreaming of dildos.’
‘Christ,’ groans Muffy as she knocks over a display of whips and floggers.
‘Live locally do you? Only I don’t recognise you.’
‘She owns a cottage named Driftwood,’ pipes up Muffy.
I thank him and pull her out of the shop.
‘You can’t work there,’ she says, sucking on a penis.
‘I may have to, there is nothing else and I soon won’t have any money. Do you have to lick that in public?’ I say shaking my head and dropping the chocolates into my bag. I never say no to chocolate, penis or otherwise.
‘Sorry,’ she smiles. ‘Are you seriously broke?’
I nod ushering her into the pub. I still hadn’t told anyone apart from Muffy about William. She had agreed to dig up the dirt on him. Mr Hayden had been as good as useless when it came to getting things sorted.
‘We’re looking into things Miss Grayson but these things take time.’
‘Can’t I just throw him out? He isn’t family or anything. The thing is I need to sell the cottage.’
He’d chewed on his pipe and mumbled,
‘I don’t know how it happened. It’s never happened before but it seems Mr Ellis was left the house too. I assure you, as soon as we have news Miss Grayson we will be in touch.’
The thing is I am already becoming attached to Driftwood and the thought of leaving it makes me miserable. I’m also getting used to William. I don’t trust him mind you, but I’m getting used to him.
‘Surely all you need is something unsavoury about him,’ Muffy had suggested on the phone. ‘You know, like in business. Then you could query his relationship with your aunt. I can’t believe she left the house to him. I mean, why would she?’
I wait for her to show me the dirt on William. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to throw the guy out but what else can I do?
She sips her coffee thoughtfully and pulls several packages from a carrier bag.
‘Your mum’s present,’ she says smiling. ‘And I bought you this.’
I open the blue envelope to find two tickets to Ronnie Scott’s jazz club.
‘Oh Muffy,’ I say, overwhelmed.
‘Well, you said Oliver would never go with you and if you can’t go with your mate to a jazz club on her thirtieth, when can you. It’s in about six weeks’ time. I couldn’t get them for any earlier, but it’s one of your favourite artists.’
‘Oh that’s great Muffy,’ I say hugging her.
She lowers her eyes to the carrier bag and says.
‘Oliver wanted me to give you this.’
She pulls a pink tissue wrapped gift from her bag.
‘I think it’s a Tiffany,’ she says, scrunching her hair into a bun.
‘You think?’ I ask.
‘I peeked. It is a Tiffany, okay?’
‘God, everyone is doing well but me,’ I moan.
‘You got a Tiffany, be grateful. I think it is rather sweet of him seeing as you never talk to him.’
Bloody hell, what’s happened to Muffy? I thought she was all up with the Hovis and off with men’s heads.
‘You’ve changed your tune. You always said he was a little shit. What happened to down with men and up with the good things in life,’ I say cynically.
‘Yeah well, Hovis doesn’t buy you Tiffany bracelets does it? Anyway all men are little shits deep down. But I mean, look at you. You’ve gone downhill since you broke up with Oliver. You haven’t even done your nails and when did you last shave and give yourself a face pack?’
Oh God, she’s quite right of course. I’ve barely done anything since I’ve been at the cottage. I’ve been that depressed.
‘It’s all the stress. I’m constantly on edge in case he tries to change the locks or sell the house from under me. I daren’t relax. You can be sure the minute I do he’ll do something. So what’s the dirt on him,’ I ask eagerly.
‘Ah yes, that’s just it. There isn’t any,’ she says shrugging and handing me a folder.
I gape at her.
‘There must be something,’ I say pleadingly. ‘Hasn’t he done time or something? He’s loaded you know, he’s got a Lamborghini,’ I say, making it sound like he has a nasty disease.
She rolls her eyes.
‘Well yes, he’s done time in France and a few other countries. Holidays I presume.’
‘You know what I mean.’
She shakes her head.
‘Nope, nothing like that. He’s owned his own company for about fifteen years. He’s very successful. All his deals are above board. He did invest money for your aunt but all legal. He was engaged for six months to someone called …
‘Andrea,’ I say flicking through the papers.
‘Yep, how did you know?’
‘I met her. It was awful so don’t even go there. He still fancies her,’ I say handing the info back to h
er.
‘You sound jealous,’ she probes, looking at me over her coffee cup.
‘Huh, I don’t think so. I’m off men remember?’ I laugh.
‘Well that’s it. He’s lived in London most of his life. He owns an apartment in Knightsbridge, the same block as your aunt so I guess that’s how they met. His accountant and advisor is a Nathan Richards, a bit of a prick by all accounts but I didn’t look into him too much. Oh and William Ellis owns a house in France too. No dirt I’m afraid. Geoff says you just need to sit it out. The chances are the house was left to you anyway.’
I feel quite sure it was. I just don’t understand why William is so stubborn about the whole thing. It’s as obvious as a wart on your nose isn’t it? Oh God, why did I think that?
‘And how is Ben Newman?’ I say, voicing my thoughts.
‘Aren’t you going to open that present?’ she asks, her hands twitching.
I rip at the tissue paper to reveal a small white Tiffany box. I lift the lid and we both stare at the small charm bracelet.
‘Ooh it’s gorgeous,’ she says with a sigh.
I push it towards her and open the card. A bright pink heart sparkles at me. It flickers like a Christmas tree decoration. I open the card and Tina Turner’s You’re Simply The Best screams at me.
‘I love you Binki and I would forgive you anything,’ I read aloud. ‘Please forgive me for one stupid indiscretion. Happy thirtieth birthday.’
I scoff and slam it shut.
‘I hate Tina Turner,’ I say aggressively. ‘And I hate being thirty.’
She fiddles with the bracelet.
‘He’s very forgiving Binki,’ she says clipping it around my wrist.
‘He’s nothing to forgive. I wasn’t the one doing the screwing.’
She looks uncomfortable.
‘Can we go to the house? I’m dying to see it. I also want to meet this William.’
I’ve known Muffy for years. The only time I know her to fidget like she has ants in her knickers is when she has them on back to front or when she is holding something back from me.
‘Are your pants on back to front,’ I ask sharply.
‘Of course not,’ she says, blushing.
‘Right,’ I say.
‘Right,’ she repeats.
There is a few seconds of silence and then she says,
‘Ben Newman is telling anyone that will listen that you had an affair with him. A real steamy romp, sex on the office floor and all that …’
I stare at her. The office floor? If anyone even took two minutes to look at the state of the office floor they would know damn well that no one is going to do it there.
‘All that?’ I repeat.
‘Over the desk, on his chair, seems you were happy to do it anywhere. You were hanging from the light fittings according to Ben Newman. I’m surprised I didn’t see you dangling from an open window with your bum hanging out when I passed at lunch time.’
I bury my head in my hands. I don’t believe this.
‘How you got any work done I’ll never know,’ she finishes.
‘Very funny,’ I sigh.
She pulls a face.
‘Thing is, he’s putting it around that you’re a husband stealer …’
‘What,’ I yell.
She fidgets in her seat and flexes her neck.
‘He asked me to tell you that your job is there for the taking but if you think anyone else will hire you then you can think again. Honestly Binki, I’ve heard the rumours. He makes you sound like that woman out of Basic Instinct but worse. Honestly, no one is going to hire bitch on heat Binki Grayson at the moment. Their wives won’t let them even if they wanted to.’
I seriously don’t believe this.
‘It seems Ben Newman really has a thing for you and your rejection on Christmas Eve didn’t go down well. I ask you though, Ben Newman, of all the men, Ben Newman.’
‘Okay okay,’ I say. ‘I’ve already been turned down by two companies.’
Muffy shakes with rage.
‘You should call his bluff, do him for slander.’
‘Yeah, like they will believe me over a company director. Besides I don’t have the money for a solicitor and frankly, as great as it would be to be on the front page of The Sun that wasn’t quite how I imagined it.’
‘I’m just thinking working in a sleazy sex shop isn’t going to calm these rumours is it and you may lose Oliver for good. I’m just wondering if you should give this whole thing up, you know about the house …’
‘And give it to William? As for losing Oliver don’t you think he threw all that away when he slept with his boss?’
‘He may have been put in a bit of a position,’ she says, sounding so unlike Muffy that I’m beginning to wonder if she has had a Stepford wife makeover.
‘He was put in a position all right and I saw it,’ I say angrily, feeling the tears well up again.
‘You’re obsessing about it and about this William …’
Talk of the devil and he is bound to appear.
‘It’s him,’ I squeal. ‘He’s out.’
‘You make it sound like you chained him up,’ she turns to follow my gaze. William waves from the pub doorway and I hear Muffy take a sharp breath.
‘God,’ she whispers, ‘easy on the eye or what? No wonder you’re obsessing. You never mentioned him being that bangable. Forget the chocolate tit, he can have mine. In fact, he can have both. I can cover them in chocolate no problem. Maybe you should chain him up.’
I shake my head in despair.
‘What happened to the Hovis?’ I ask.
‘Fuck the Hovis,’ she says drooling.
She pulls her hair from the scrunch and shakes her head seductively, her long thick hair falls around her shoulders and she pinches her cheeks. She looks fabulous and I feel like the poor relation. A fair-haired man follows behind William. He walks with a slight swagger and gives us a small lip-curling smile. He whispers something to William and I know this is Nathan. He gives me an appraising look and walks slowly towards us, seemingly ignoring Muffy. He is smart in a dark blue suit with a crisp white shirt. He unbuttons the jacket as he approaches and has sunglasses perched on his curly fair hair, which is a bit poserish isn’t it, considering it’s the heart of winter?
‘Hello Binki. William and I just passed your car. Your tax disc is out of date.’
He smiles warmly at me but I sense insincerity in his smile.
‘An unusual chat-up line,’ laughs Muffy.
‘It’s always worked for me in the past,’ he grins.
He continues smiling and points to our coffees.
‘Can we get you ladies another drink?’ he asks, looking directly at me.
‘How lovely,’ replies Muffy, not taking her eyes off William.
‘He’s quite right your tax disc is out of date and …’ William points to the window and I see a buggery traffic warden approach the car. I swear they are ganging up on me these bloody wardens. I shriek and dive for the door.
‘Excuse me,’ I shout. ‘It’s in the post.’
I launch myself at the warden, skidding to a halt before sending him flying. He turns and I swear I see his face drop.
‘Nazi,’ I mumble under my breath.
‘In the post is it? It’s all computerised these days lady,’ he says with a sneer. ‘I’ll check shall I?’
I feel defeated. I’ll kill Oliver. This would never have happened if he hadn’t dipped his wick on Christmas Eve in someone else’s …
‘Can I help Walter? Binki is a friend of mine.’
I turn to see William has followed me out.
‘Hello Mr Ellis. How’s that new house of yours?’
Excuse me?
‘It’s my house actually,’ I interrupt.
William inclines his head to me.
‘This is Binki,’ he says.
Christ, I’m being introduced to a traffic warden now. Maybe we should all go out on a date.
‘Binki?’ he qu
estions. ‘You’re not the girl …’
‘No, you’re right, I’m not.’
‘Unusual name,’ he says thoughtfully.
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘I was named after a famous literary character.’
Can you divorce your parents? Is naming your child after a Mills and Boon character grounds for matricide?
‘Is it just the tax disc that is a problem Walter, or are we illegally parked too?’ William says with a smile.
We, what does he mean we?
‘Well,’ grins Walter. ‘The tax disc is a problem and she is just over her time limit.’
Hello, I am still here.
‘How is that fund-raiser going for the youth group? I keep forgetting,’ says William, pulling out his wallet.
My God, he is bribing the traffic warden.
‘We always need a bit more Mr Ellis, but we’re getting there.’
‘Let me help with that.’
‘What are you doing?’ I ask.
‘Why don’t you just leave this to me,’ William says, putting a hand on my arm.
I shake it off impatiently. Before I have time to open my mouth he has handed over fifty quid and has pulled me back to the pub.
‘We’ll move it in a bit Walter,’ he calls over his shoulder.
‘No problem Mr Ellis.’
‘You can’t bribe a traffic warden,’ I say, pulling my arm away angrily.
‘I just did,’ he says arrogantly.
‘How dare you patronise me. I prefer to pay the fine, whatever it is.’
‘What with? Your body?’
I gasp. Oh, that was below the belt wasn’t it?
‘That was uncalled for.’
‘So is your ungrateful attitude, you could say thank you.’
‘Thank you,’ I say begrudgingly.
‘You’re welcome, and I apologise for the body remark. I imagine it would just about pay for a ticket.’
I stare at him. He winks. I turn away. Bloody men, they all shit on you. Muffy is quite right about that. The heat of the pub hits me and I feel my face flush. Muffy looks at William and flutters her eyelashes.
‘Nathan and I were saying how nice it would be if we could all go out for dinner tonight. It would give us all a chance to get to know each other better and we could celebrate your birthday at the same time.’
