by Julie Dewey
At six o’clock in the morning a woman knocked on my door before barging in. She walked to my bed and grabbed my blanket right off of me. “This is mine now. Hear me, Iona, when I say I run a disciplined hall. I do not tolerate any shenanigans.” She spit when she talked at me.
I gulped and glanced at the tag she wore on her pocket, her name was Patricia. In my mind she was ‘Fatty Patty’. She was large and had body odor so strong it made one dizzy. I plugged my nose when she waded in closer to me to speak again. She yanked my hand from my nose and breathed her stinky coffee breath right into my face. I missed Emily. Was Emily even real?
“You lunatics have no ability to feel, so we don’t keep the ward heated at night. You won’t be needing this.” She already had my blanket, but now she confiscated my sheets too, leaving me to freeze through the afternoon and upcoming night on a bare mattress. I would have to beg for my covers back, or steal them from someone else. This place was turning me into a convict but it was the only way to get along. I had to use my head and get back to the third ward with Emily, Ruth, Rose Mary, and the other ladies.
Worst of all, my nemesis, Cat, had also been transferred to this floor. The second night she made her way into my room and asked if I needed help getting warm. She laughed and then lay down behind me. I hadn’t been tranquilized in twenty-four hours so I was fairly clear headed. If I just gave in to her demands then I wouldn’t have to throttle her, which would only land me in more trouble. Cat started to rub my head and nuzzle my neck. I was stiff all over and terrified of what she wanted. I knew this wasn’t right and began to run scenarios through my head.
“I see you haven’t found yourself a man yet,” I said, although I shouldn’t have.
“No need, you’ll do just fine. You know the real reason I’m in here? My folks said I was too promiscuous. I will just as soon kiss a girl as a man and believe me I have kissed both many, many times. I can’t say one is better than the other.” She continued to stroke my skin and moved her hands upwards towards my breasts where she began fondling the mounds that were growing larger now.
“Please stop. I don’t want to do this. I will scream for Patty.”
“Ha! Just who do you think sent me in here to rid you of your sin?”
“She wouldn’t!”
“Patty is crazier than the lot of us put together. She thinks we’re all the devil’s spawn.”
“I said, get off of me, and get out of my room. Now.”
“Or what?”
I didn’t reply, I just balled my hand into a fist and slammed it into Cat’s nose. The blood poured out of her nostrils in torrents and I was sure I had broken it because it swelled instantly. I opened my door and kicked Cat out.
“You’ll be sorry you did that.” Cat said spitting blood on my wooden floor. I sat on my bed waiting for Patty. She came in full of steam, yanked me up by one arm and led me down a hallway I didn’t know existed. She deposited me in a dank room with no furniture and locked the door. I was left there to rot for the remainder of the night. I lay on the cold floor in a ball, trying to make sense of what was happening to me.
When Patty retrieved me twelve hours later, she warned me, “If the doctor hears about this, it’ll be worse next time. See, I told you I keep order on my hall. Yes I do, I don’t accept any violence, and poor Cat has a broken nose now.”
“She deserved it.” Patty turned around and clocked me one in the gut, then the nose. Bright red blood gushed down my chin but it was the sting of the assault that shocked me into submission. I didn’t think my nose was broken, but I couldn’t be sure. Patty put me in a straight jacket that made any movement impossible. She dragged me to the nurse’s station, and presented me to the gal on duty, “this one walked straight into a wall.” No one questioned the incident and my nostrils were packed with cotton and I was sent back to my room.
“I heard you walked into a wall,” Dr. Macy said at our appointment later that afternoon.
“Yes. It was a hard a wall.” I wasn’t going to admit what happened, I don’t know if he genuinely cared, he had three hundred of his own patients after all. He looked tired today and I knew I was the least of his problems at the moment.
There were over two thousand patients at Willard Hospital, nearly five hundred employees, and an outbreak of bovine tuberculosis that was a threat to the population. People were falling ill all over the facility.
“I’ve given your case a lot of thought. Normally, when underage individuals are brought to us we try our best to keep them amused and occupied. We typically don’t allow them to work like so many of our older patients. I wonder, though, if it might benefit you.” He rubbed his tie as he spoke.
“How so?” I was intrigued.
“Well, we are a self-sustaining property. Meaning that it’s our patients that run the farm, the piggery, the slaughterhouse, the canning factory, the dairy, the garden, the tin shop, the broom shop and so on. Every mattress in the facility is made right here, same with the bedding, the brooms, the baskets and crates. If any of these things interest you in the least, perhaps they would be rewarding. The other option is that we do have a school you could attend on campus. You could probably teach there actually because I assess you are superior to many of our teachers with your English skills.
“I want to work on the farm. Put me with animals so that I can be outside, please.”
“Hmmm. I wouldn’t want you harming any poultry, Iona, this is serious. We depend on our livestock for our daily food and nutrition.”
“I know. Give me a chance please.” I prayed for the job just to get out from under Patty’s firm hand.
“Okay, I have an idea that might work. I will call the foreman and you will start tomorrow after breakfast at the stables. No more hydrotherapy during the week, we will schedule that for the weekend. And, Iona?”
“Yes?”
“Steer clear of the walls from now on, alright?” We both knew I didn’t walk in to a wall, but what happened on the second ward was not entirely in his hands to control.
Chapter Six
Farming
The following morning when I woke I noted the Edison phonograph was in our lounge. It appeared that the lucky, comatose patients of the second ward were in for a treat today. I was sorry I would miss the music but was looking forward to being outside in the fresh air and away from these cuckoos and the sadistic attendee. It was chilly, so I was given long-john’s to wear under my dress. I had a hat and would be given gloves that befit whatever job I was directed to.
The overseer was John Hamm, I stifled a laugh at his name because it was just too ironic to be coincidental. John Hamm oversaw the farm, particularly the piggery.
I was assigned the back-breaking job of mucking out the stalls belonging to Doctor Macy’s team of horses. I was experienced with horses and relished the opportunity to breathe in the sweet hay and be among creatures that didn’t judge me as insane.
At noon my job was nearly complete. I was using the hoe to place fresh straw for the beasts when Mr. Hamm came towards me with a brown paper sack.
“Here’s your lunch. When you’re done you can brush the horses and report back to me.
I unpacked my sandwich, it was ham. I laughed again and bit into it gratefully. There was no one here to cause me any trouble; everyone was too busy. I wondered if Mr. Hamm was a patient as well, and if so, what his ailment was. I often heard that patients were admitted because they were too “excitable” or had weak nerves, or they had schizophrenia. Some were delusional, like me, and others just couldn’t get along in society. No matter I supposed, as long as he was kind to me we would get along fine.
I brushed the horses and braided their tails. I saved the apple from my lunch and fed the pair of horses each a half. They nuzzled into me as their way of saying thanks. I had a frightful thought suddenly. What if this moment wasn’t real? What if it was imagined like the doctor says Hetty and Rose Mary are? I stopped for a moment and looked around my surroundings. I could smell the hay,
could smell the piggery down the road. That was something real wasn’t it? I let the horses lick my palms, there was saliva on my hands when I pulled away, or was there? I wiped my hands on my coat, it appeared damp.
“Something wrong with your hands?” An unfamiliar voice asked.
I panicked, afraid I was hearing things now. Startled by the intrusion I looked up to see a young man, maybe a few years older than me, coming my way. How was I to know if he was real? Panic crept in causing a tingling sensation in my forearms and calves. I turned away briskly. I put the hoe away and left the barn to find Mr. Hamm. The voice followed me.
“You there. Wait a minute.”
I stopped in my tracks and waited.
“My name is James, I work in the barns too, and I just wanted to meet you.” He stuck his hand out for me to shake. I felt its rough interior, but I felt Hetty’s once too.
“Nice to meet you, James. I am Iona.” James had a friendly face with large grey eyes that immediately caused the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up. What did Hetty and Rose Mary have in common? Why their friendly nature towards me.
“So you got to work with the princess today, huh?”
“Yes, Savannah is a beauty. I enjoyed her.” I wanted to find Mr. Hamm but was drawn to James and wondered if it mattered if he was really here or not. Just then a foreman called out for James to return to work and he left as quickly as he came. I watched him talk to several men and then go about his business. Had I ever seen Hetty or Rose Mary interact with other people?
It made me wonder. Just then Mr. Hamm approached. “You have done a fine job, Iona. Come back tomorrow and if you continue to work so well, we will put you in charge of the stables.”
“Thank you. Is there anything else I can do today?” I hated to go back to the hospital.
“Not really. Let me guess? You don’t want to go back yet, huh? I understand, how about if you spend another hour getting to know the horses. They need to be able to trust you for when you ride them.” He smiled at me and left.
When I ride them? I was flabbergasted. Mr. Hamm said they needed to be ridden regularly and that the superintendent only took them out on Sundays to church. Finally, things were shaping up for me here. I could get through the rough, cold, unpredictable nights if it meant spending my days here. This filled me with relief.
That night, my teeth chattered as I shivered from the cold that made sleep evasive. I had to devise a plan to steal a blanket, but how? Maybe there was one in the barn. Finding a blanket became the least of my problems. I was being tormented now by Patty who claimed she was just checking on me hourly so the devil didn’t work on me while she was in charge. She didn’t want me to sleep, she knew an hourly wake-up call and no blanket would lead to sleep deprivation and then my relenting. I refused to give in to this ghastly woman. Half way through the night she fitted me into a straight jacket. “So you don’t get any ideas,” she said and left.
Now I was cold, tired, and uncomfortable. This was enough to make a sane person mad. I woke with a headache, but was grateful for the hour or so of sleep I received. An aide came in to undo my jacket. I stretched my arms and tried to loosen the knots beading up in my back and shoulders. I had deep, dark circles under my eyes and wondered how my day at the stables would go. I ate a heaping plate of runny eggs and bacon and reported to work.
Mr. Hamm took one look at me and shook his head. I was certain I looked worse than I felt. My short hair was now sticking up in all directions, I had bags under my eyes, and was still shivering from the ungodly cold. Mr. Hamm gave me a warm cup of coffee and left me to muck the stalls. By eleven I had completed the task, and could now barely keep my eyes open.
“Why don’t you lie down in the hay and get some shut eye?” It was James.
“I couldn’t. I have to do my job, I can’t be caught slacking off or God help me.”
“I’ll give you a warning if anyone is coming.”
“Thank you but…” I still wasn’t convinced he was real.
“Look, I was a patient here too, once. I see the signs…someone is out to get you. Whatever you do, you can’t let whoever is doing this win. If you get to the first ward or the back building, you are as good as committed for life.”
“Why?” I asked.
“They save all the special experiments for the lunatics on the first ward. Those that are taken to the back building are rarely seen again. A few years ago they were extracting thyroids. Then last year they started heavily drugging patients to induce fevers, now they are experimenting with anti-psychotic drugs. The word is that they experiment on the patients who reside in the back building. Ever been by there?”
“No, I don’t even know where it is.” I admitted.
“You’ll know it when you see it. The people there are like walking cadavers, some of them nothing but skin and bones. You seem pretty normal, so I’ll let you in on a little secret. No one here has your best interest at heart. No one. They just want you to be easy to manage, so if you are difficult in any way you will get punished. Now get some rest, obviously you are being sleep deprived.”
I lay my head down in the hay in a corner of the horses’ stable. I fell into a fitful slumber within minutes. Two hours later James woke me and handed me a sack of lunch. He had brushed the horses and tidied up the stalls so that when I was eating and Mr. Hamm came in, he praised my work once more. I was awarded the job of keeping the stables and horses clean at all times. My hours were from eight a.m. to two p.m. I asked Mr. Hamm if there was any other work I could do, but as of now there wasn’t.
At two o’clock I was escorted from the stables, down the hill, across the grounds and back to the recreation center where my attendee and ward mates were scheduled to be. (Nine hundred paces from Chapin Hall to the stables.)
Several women from my ward appeared catatonic. One couldn’t speak English, which didn’t prevent her from trying to communicate with me. Her lips moved at a fast pace and the vowels rolled off her tongue beautifully but I was unable to understand their meanings. Pamela, the nudist in residence, kept disrobing and running up and down the hallways naked as a jaybird. She flapped her arms to mimic flight and sang nonsensical words at the top of her lungs. She was rallied, put in a straight jacket and taken away. She left a stream of urine in her wake.
I had to get out of this place. I had begun to question my own sanity and felt very confused at times about reality. The horses would be my ticket out. I just needed a little time to develop a better plan of escape.
That evening during supper, Patty sauntered past me and reached for my dinner tray. She flipped it over so that all my food landed on the ground. She stepped on my meatloaf and I watched it ooze out from under her shoe. My mashed potatoes splattered across the table, and down to the floor and my string beans were in disarray.
“I wasn’t hungry anyway.” I stood to take my leave, pressing my hand against my growling stomach as I made my way from the dining hall to my room. I would not let this woman rile me.
“Where do you think you’re going without an escort?” Patty chimed.
“To my room, care to walk me?” I asked with sickeningly sweet innocence.
“Jay, take this patient to her room.” She motioned to an imposing black man, who got up from his seat and grabbed my elbow, ushering me to the second ward.
“She got it in for you bad. Here, eat this.” Jay handed me a buttered roll.
“Thanks, Jay. She won’t break me.” I took the roll and crammed it into my mouth before anyone saw.
“She might. I have seen it happen many times, most of those women are now on the first and you don’t want to go there. I’ll see if I can intervene, but I can’t make any promises.”
At least now I had an ally. Of course he could be a delusion, I could have walked myself to my room, but then again Patty wouldn’t allow that so I decided Jay had to be real.
The night torment continued, nurses came and went from my room every hour making sleep impossible. The temperatur
e in our hallway couldn’t have been forty degrees. I was near frozen and half starving. I missed Hetty. I missed her wide smile and boisterous laugh. I missed my family and never heard from them after father’s one letter. They had dismissed me, I was fifteen and on my own in an asylum for the insane. The admission hit me full force. If I could get Dr. Macy to think I have come around and agree I had contrived Hetty and the others, then maybe, just maybe, I could leave. So now I had two courses of action and I would follow them both.
In the morning I attempted to eat but the nurse on duty said, “Because you ate all of Milly’s food from her plate last night you aren’t allowed any food this morning.”
I protested and tried to explain what in fact happened, but she said she was just going by the nurses’ notes that everyone had signed off on.
I got to the farm, starving, parched, exhausted and in no position to do physical labor. Mr. Hamm took one look at me and called me to his side.
“Sit.”
“I can work, please let me work.”
“Not until you’ve eaten. Why haven’t you slept, you have bags under your eyes the size of Texas?”
“I really don’t want to talk about it. You wouldn’t believe me anyway, and if you did there is nothing you could do to change the situation.”
“Maybe not, but I could try. Now what’s happening?” He asked scrutinizing me. Mr. Hamm wasn’t a doctor, he was a farmer and a stand-up citizen. He was rough around the edges, he wore dirty overalls and was missing a few teeth. His hair was thinning and he had quite a belly on him. He always chewed on hay and I decided to trust him.
“The night nurse doesn’t like me, she keeps taking food away from me so she doesn’t ‘feed the devil’. She has my blanket and my sheets too, and she doesn’t let me sleep more than an hour at a time. She says I have evil in me deep and it’s her job to get it out.” Just being able to tell someone felt good and I began to shake as I launched into all that was happening to me.
Mr. Hamm put his hand across my shoulder, “there, there, it’ll be alright.”
