The sounds of the ship’s fan came on. I’d gotten used to the shift in the darkness of the night. Jordan piloted us, and all would be well. “What kind of dog? On our planet, people like dogs that can protect from rodents.”
When he didn’t answer, I wondered if I’d horrified him. I lifted my head. His eyes were closed, his mouth closed, and his body still stiff. Jordan and Bo were noisy sleepers. They rolled around a lot, and it was obvious when they were asleep. Not River, it would seem. He was silent and still tense. I lay next to him, my arm on him, his touching me, and contemplated what I would do the next day. Maybe I could figure out what moisture was getting into the shuttle, and then we’d be on the space station.
River jerked awake, catching his breath in an audible gasp. “‘Cilla?”
“Yes, right here.”
“Oh, okay. I thought maybe you left.”
I shook my head. “I was going to spend the night if that’s okay.” I would leave if he wanted me to. Maybe he’d meant this to be just watching the tablet together?
His eyes were slits. “Yes, you need to stay. I want you to. But like this, okay?” He rolled over facing me, his eyes half opened. Was he actually not really awake? He tugged me to him and hugged me tighter. Now his arm and one of his legs was around me. “Keep you safe like this. I keep everyone safe. No one will take you.”
“Sshh.” I didn’t try to move. It was nice to be this close. “We’re all safe. You have nothing to worry about right now.”
He nodded, and his eyes closed completely. He was still silent, but River was not stiff anymore. The man who didn’t trust had let me near him in his most vulnerable time. I closed my eyes. He’d get a good night’s sleep. I’d see to it.
* * *
Morning came fast. I must have slept hard. I was warm, but not stifling, and River still held me as he had when we’d fallen asleep. I could actually hear him breathing, the slightest sound of intake and outtake of breath. I’d never have noticed it at all if he hadn’t been so silent when we fell asleep.
My slight movement must have jarred him because his eyes fluttered open. His bright blue depths cleared quickly, and he smiled at me. “Morning.”
“Morning.” He still seemed soft and easy. I wasn’t anxious to go anywhere so fast.
“This is so nice.” He closed his eyes, a smile on his face. “You here with me.”
“I think so, too.” That was when I felt his erection. He either always woke up with one or he really was very glad I was there with him.
He sighed, his lids opening. “I know you’ve got to feel it. I’m, ah, a little excited you’re here. It’s okay. Just ignore it.”
“I don’t have to ignore it.”
He raised his eyebrows. “It’s so tempting, you can’t believe it. And I have never wanted anyone like I want you. But not yet? Okay? Soon. I’m just… crazy. If you knew my family, you’d understand. Compared to them, I’m downright normal. A little time. I want it to be right between us.”
I ran my hand down the side of his face. “Whatever you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
“No.” He shook his head. “You’re not.”
The space station, which Jordan called Lost In Space but I was sure had a real name, was loud yet not nearly as pulsating as the last station I’d been on. Or maybe it was just that Jordan kept his hand in mine and didn’t let me move in any direction without him right up against me.
“You doing okay, love?” Jordan called out loud enough for me to hear him. My heart turned over at the nickname. Yes, I was quickly feeling that way about all of them, too.
“Yes, honey.” I gave him one right back. “I’m okay. Where are we meeting the guy who’s taking the stuff?”
I probably made it sound even more nefarious than the transaction actually was—and it was totally illegal—by not just calling the things what they were.
River carried the box, not wanting to trust the goods in a transport, while Bo had gone ahead to make sure the buyer was legit and meet with some of their contacts on the station. I’d actually wanted to stay on the ship. Jordan had been afraid they could be raided and thought it was safer for me to go with them.
I also couldn’t be left somewhere while they did this. With so few women, I might be kidnapped right off the station. I was coming along, and I supposed it was for the best when all was said and done.
There were shops on the promenade displaying all kinds of weaponry next to ones that sold food. A woman sang on a stage, and men cheered. She wore chains around her ankles. Some of the guys threw things at her. I winced when one of the pieces of garbage struck behind her, shattering some glass.
There were restaurants with signs that said Booze on the outside. Flashing lights. Screens showing a picture of four guys who looked a little familiar. I couldn’t figure out why. The authorities were looking for them. Their last name was McQueen. They almost had as nice colored eyes as River. Of course, I was also completely addicted to Jordan’s brown, soulful depths. I equally loved staring at Bo’s light brown ones that could flare to life in a second, changing from the easy going manner he usually showed.
The space station seemed to offer just about anything a person wanted to get in trouble doing as entertainment.
Two men got into a fistfight up ahead until a third one shoved them apart, cursing and spitting while he did it. The woman on the stage stopped singing, and someone yanked her off. I wished I could help her. Jordan leaned over and kissed my cheek. “We didn’t let that happen to you, and if there was something I could do in this moment to help her, I would.”
“I know that.” I hadn’t been born to live a sheltered life. Still, I never could have imagined this place in a million years. Were there any places left that were havens? Were there existences were people could simply be?
Was life one trip from a horrible place to another horrible place? My parents lived an existence where they made money selling their daughters and had to hide the fact that they discarded their sons. Were there simply good people around anywhere, or did I need to just get over that idea altogether? Why was I so… difficult?
Bo came up next to us, a bag swinging around his shoulders. It looked full, and I wondered if he’d been shopping. “Hey, babe. Jordan.” Bo leaned over to kiss my cheek. “You smell good.”
“Thanks.”
Jordan grinned. “She really does. I’m not going to lose her. I’ve got her. Are we all set?”
Bo nodded once. “Sure are. Where’s River?”
He pointed to the left where River sat on a bench. He was keeping a distance from us on purpose. I thought if I hadn’t been with them, they’d have been together. They were being extra cautious because of me. I didn’t mind the sensation. I really wouldn’t want to be left here in this place without them.
“Good. We never assume all will go well until it does, but things are lined up the way we wanted them, so check one, done.”
“Right.” I felt the same way about life. I really didn’t know how things were going to turn out, ever.
I turned to look at River. His expression was blank, the container in front of him labeled with the words Caution: Poison on front of it to hopefully put off a lot of interest in it. He was looking anywhere but us.
Something caught my eye. Behind River, a man stormed forward. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I had seen him somewhere before.
A few things occurred to me all at once. I wasn’t even sure which took place first. I’d never be able to recreate the experience again if I tried.
I pulled out of Jordan’s hand. In retrospect, it was totally bizarre that I could, but he’d loosened his grip when Bo came over. I knew the man headed for River. I’d seen him before in the other space station. My mind was garbled; I could hardly remember anything past getting trampled. Yet… I knew him. He’d been in the line of guys who had come to inspect us before the auction. I think he’d wanted to buy me. If the guys hadn’t intervened, I’d be living a hellish existence right now. Then I saw the name tag
hanging around his neck. I recognized the name.
The guys called him Xavier. He was tall with red hair, a red beard, and blue eyes. He wore a bright green jacket. That was what I remembered. The colors. The red, the green, it had stuck with me. I called out behind me something that had to be close to the word Xavier.
The man was running at River, and he had a knife in his hand.
Bo and Jordan collided. I saw it before I turned completely to rush at River. I must have looked like a lunatic. My arms flailed around, and I shouted at River. He stood, his head to the side. “‘Cilla? What’s going on?”
He stepped into my direction, and Xavier raised his knife-holding hand. I didn’t think. I acted. I shoved River backward, he stumbled over the box of tablets, hitting the bench. Never in a million years would I be able to do that again, he was too strong. It had been the surprise of the whole thing. I stopped, so relieved. I’d gotten him out of the way of Xavier.
Xavier. Yes. Where was he?
Standing right next to me, actually, staring at me with an open mouth. Why was he doing that? He backed up fast. River roared. It was a sound I hadn’t heard him make before. Suddenly, my knees were heavy. Wow, if I was this tired from a little sprint I’d really lost strength since I got on the ship. Bo held my shoulders. He was saying something as River and Jordan both leapt at Xavier.
I looked down because there was something warm on my stomach. Red. Hot. Dripping. That was blood. Why was there blood? Oh, I had a knife in my stomach. The one Xavier had held. Held. Held…
Okay. There was something wrong. My stomach burned. Well, there was a knife in it. Xavier had stabbed me instead. River was okay. I really couldn’t breathe. Okay. Okay. Okay.
“Bo, I have a knife in my stomach.”
He nodded. “I see that my love. I see that. We’re going to get that out. You’re going to be just fine. Completely recovered. I promised.”
The world sort of dimmed while the most intense pain I’d ever felt tore through me. “I don’t think so.”
There was only pain, the soul sucking, mind altering, life-taking kind. The funny thing was, I knew I’d do it again. Because if I hadn’t, River would be the one dying and that would have been so much worse.
Huh… I guessed I loved them.
I wasn’t really surprised.
That was a great last thought for a life. Much more than I would have expected.
7
A Different Life
I floated until I couldn’t anymore. When that stopped, it was like I fell, hard. Pain assaulted me. I cried out, and a cold washcloth was placed on my forehead.
“I know that hurts,” Jordan’s voice whispered in my ear. “The knife is out. You can go into the machine now.”
The pain. There was only the pain.
When I woke again, it was inside the medical machine. I wasn’t dead, which was great news, but I didn’t feel wonderful. When nausea rolled through me, I closed my eyes. Sleep came back fast. I didn’t dream, which was a relief. Medical induced imaginings were always terrifying. I preferred the warmth and nothingness of darkness right then.
When I arose for the third time, I wasn’t in the machine but tucked into a bed. It wasn’t my own since the bedside table didn’t have the crystal that Jordan gave me. It took me a second to recognize the space as Bo’s. Things were strewn all over the floor, and he’d never picked up his socks. That was what finally brought recognition. The socks all over the place.
“Hey.” It wasn’t Bo’s voice but River’s. He knelt down on the side of the bed, placing a hand on the side of my face. When he spoke, his voice was low, almost a whisper. “You’re nice and cool, which is good. The doctor we contacted remotely told us that once you came out of the machine, you needed to sleep for a good long while. I don’t think it’s been enough time. You kept trying to wake up in the machine. Turn off your brain. It’s okay to just rest right now.”
I swallowed. “You’re okay.” It was good to see his face. Xavier had clearly not finished what he intended after I passed out.
He narrowed his eyes at me. “I’m fine. Don’t you ever, ever do that to me again. If someone is coming at me with a weapon, you let him. I can take care of myself; I have a lot. And even if they got me, I’ve lived a life. Granted, it would be a short one, but it would have been a life. You’re not to sacrifice yourself ever for me, you beautiful woman. Do you understand?”
Truth was, I couldn’t make that promise and that was when an ache I knew would be coming, a pain I was suddenly aware of in my heart alerted me to the real reason I couldn’t sleep.
“‘Cilla, I want a promise.”
I shook my head. “You’re not getting one.”
He groaned then ran his thumb over my eyebrow. “Close your eyes. We’ll do this later.”
“Are you giving her a hard time?” The door opened and closed while Bo entered the room. “She’s not slept enough.”
River nodded. “I know.” He stood and moved away, letting Bo come close.
The man whose bed I was in took River’s place beside me. “This is my fault. I should never even have mentioned that things were going according to plan. I tempted fate. I know better. But in the future, my love, you yell out something like Bo, River’s going to get killed. You don’t dart forward like some avenging angel and take a knife in the gut.”
“She won’t promise me.” River leaned against the wall.
Bo looked over his shoulder. “We’ll work on her later.”
I closed my eyes. They wanted me to sleep. I’d try to do that. It was better than telling them the truth I knew I’d have to confess. Apparently, near death experiences meant that I had to stop lying to myself.
They were right. I hadn’t slept enough.
I walked on quiet feet through the main hallway of Malice. It was very early in the morning according to the clock in Bo’s room. The guys weren’t with me, which was a relief in the sense that seeing them watching over me would make me feel warm and snuggly. That didn’t work for what I had to do. I needed to be honest with them, even though it was going to hurt me—and them, which was worse—to do so.
I found them around the small table in the comm room. They all had coffee in their hands. It smelled amazing, although I doubted it was the first thing I should stick in my stomach after waking up.
“Hey.” Jordan jumped to his feet from the pilot’s seat. “You’re awake. I’m sorry you were alone.”
“Oh, that’s okay.”
They all started speaking at once. It was apologies and explanations and declarations about my health. I held out my hand to stop them. When Bo moved toward me with his arms open, I took a step back. There was nothing I would have loved more than a hug. Only, I couldn’t be dishonest and that would mean that I wouldn’t be hugging Bo anymore.
Or Jordan. And I wouldn’t get to know what it would be like to be with River when he trusted our feelings.
“I can’t do this.” Saying the words felt like a death. I’d imagined the whole walk over to the comm room how awful I would feel uttering the words. It was so much worse.
Jordan raised his eyebrows. “Can’t do what, love?”
Oh, I wished he had picked any other word. “I can’t live like this.”
Bo answered instead of Jordan. “This has been incredibly intense. I know that. Xavier has always been our biggest problem, but he’s dead now. He won’t be hurting anyone ever again. We’ll get back to business, the way it’s been since you joined us.”
I had to put a hand on the wall or I might faint from either lack of food or a complete emotional breakdown. “That’s the thing. This is hard to say. Impossibly hard. Because I love you. All three of you. But the truth of the matter is that I have a really hard time with the pirating. I’m not judging you. I know that in my entire life, I will never meet better men. You’re kind. Funny. Smart. Interesting. Loving people. You don’t hurt regular folks, although I’d argue that someone gets into trouble when you rob their ships, and those c
rews have families, too. Never mind, it doesn’t matter. It wasn’t the stabbing. It was the space station. I have to live somewhere quietly, where there is a chance to be decent. I know, Bo, you told me that first day that my parents sell their daughters. They try to kill their sons. I get it. They’re bad people, awful parents. I’ve always known. That doesn’t mean that I have to be a bad person, just because they are. This isn’t the life I’m supposed to live.” I sucked in a breath. “I’m sorry, Jordan. I wanted to believe the winds were for us, too. And, Bo, this isn’t because of that conversation.” The tears started. I’d never been able to control them, not when I was really upset. “River, you were right not to trust me.”
“Actually, darling”—River hadn’t moved—“I think I do trust you. Never more so than right now. This is absolute truth coming out of you, maybe for the first time.”
“The world is awful. It’s cold, and it’s hard. I never told you this before. It’s so awful I can barely stand it. My father sold off his first wife to purchase my mother. They try to kill children. I have to do better. That’s not this. I’m sorry. I’ll stay in my room except to grab food until you drop me off. I won’t get in the way. I wanted this. I really am in love with you all, but I can’t be who you need, either.”
I turned and ran. Food would wait. I wasn’t sure I could stomach it anyway.
* * *
The crystal Jordan had given me blinked with color in the weird, almost magical way that it always did. I was sure that someone could give me the scientific reason for why it did that, but I preferred the mystery.
I wiped at my eyes. I’d quit crying. I had no one to blame but myself. When I’d first learned what they did, I should have acknowledged my initial reaction as being one I wasn’t going to be able to change. If that made me a judgmental, awful person, then that’s what I was. They were incredible people. I loved the men, not the job.
I lifted up my shirt. A big, ugly ragged looking scar marred my skin. A doctor could make the mark go away. The machines didn’t usually handle the cosmetic. I didn’t think I’d ever get rid of it. Better to remember what had happened and what I had lost.
Married. Wait! What? Page 11
