Love… And Sleepless Nights
Sometimes, the hardest part of becoming a parent is keeping a straight face…
Just ask Jamie and Laura Newman, who (thanks to a rather relaxed attitude to contraception) find themselves about to have a baby. It’s obviously a terrifying prospect for a newly married couple, but as long as they stick together they’ll be fine, right?
They’d better, because the path between conception and those first few baby steps is littered with many obstacles – such as public sickness, rabid insomnia, violent mood swings, complicated sex, and copious amounts of swearing.
Featuring a cast that includes an overbearing mother-in-law, a terrifying midwife, and at least one chorus of mating humpbacks, Love… And Sleepless Nights is the hilarious sequel all about what happens next.
Falling in love with another person is easy. Making a new one with them is where things get complicated.
By Nick Spalding:
Life… With No Breaks
Life… On A High
Love… From Both Sides
The Cornerstone
Spalding’s Scary Shorts
Love… And Sleepless Nights
Buy Nick’s books:
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Copyright © Nick Spalding 2012
First published in Great Britain in 2012 by Racket Publishing
This Kindle edition published 2012 by Racket Publishing
The rights of Nick Spalding to be identified as the author of this work have been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher.
Love… And Sleepless Nights
Nick Spalding
Racket Publishing
Chapters
Laura’s Diary – Monday, April 1st
Jamie’s Blog – Tuesday 2 April
Laura’s Diary – Wednesday, May 22nd
Jamie’s Blog – Tuesday 11 June
Laura’s Diary – Wednesday, June 12th
Jamie’s Blog – Wednesday 10 July
Laura’s Diary – Saturday, August 17th
Jamie’s Blog – Tuesday 10 September
Laura’s Diary – Friday, October 4th
Jamie’s Blog – Sunday 10 November
Laura’s Diary – Monday, December 2nd
Jamie’s Blog – Monday 2 December
Laura’s Diary – Monday, December 2nd continued...
Jamie’s Blog – Tuesday 10 December
Laura’s Diary – Monday, January 13th
Jamie’s Blog – Friday 28 March
Laura’s Diary – Thursday, June 5th
Jamie’s Blog – Sunday 13 July
Laura’s Diary – Friday, July 25th
Jamie’s Blog – Tuesday 4 November
Laura’s Diary – Monday, November 10th
Jamie’s Blog – Sunday 30 November
Laura’s Diary – Sunday, November 30th
Laura’s Diary
Monday, April 1st
Dear Mum,
Well, it’s finally happened. I’ve achieved my life long ambition.
It’s been many years in the making, but I can now honestly say that I, Laura Newman, have successfully thrown my guts up in front of a group of men at an important job interview.
When my time on God’s green Earth is done, I’ll have many, many fond memories to look back on - including the day I attended an interview at the Hotel Chocolat central offices in London, and did the technicolour yawn all over the company senior executives.
The timing was of course perfect.
Rather than the sudden and overwhelming urge to be sick hitting me at a more opportune time – while watching Britain’s Got Talent, or listening to another one of Jamie’s office anecdotes for instance – it happened at the precise moment I was impressing the hell out of a potential employer with my unrivalled knowledge of chocolate production and marketing.
Until the time of the ‘up chuck’ everything had been going fine.
The interview had come at precisely the right time for my nerves, Jamie’s sanity and our joint bank account.
The stress of having to close the shop thanks to the recession was just about killing the both of us, so having the chance to interview for a highly paid role with one of the largest chocolate companies in the country was a major lifeline.
So off I go to London - tottering along on my blackest, shiniest, most authoritarian high heels; wearing my most business-like black pencil skirt and jacket, my hair in the tightest, most professional ponytail you can endure without your eyes permanently watering.
I’m more prepared for this interview than they were for the bloody D-Day landings.
My poor, over-taxed brain is choc-a-block with every detail it can hold regarding the company’s business practices and methods.
Tucked under one arm is my portfolio, which includes various new chocolate designs and flavours I’ve come up with, along with the receipts from the shop – right up until just before the crunch came along and ruined everything.
I am determined to get this job. I am a modern, powerful, creative woman who will not be denied!
Sadly, I’m also feeling a wee bit queasy as I board the 8.15 to Waterloo. I put it down to Saturday night, and the excesses of Charlie’s birthday party. It’s never taken me two whole days to recover before, but I figure I’m in my thirties now, so it’s probably only going to get worse.
The journey by train is spent revising, and trying to ignore the two chavs at the back of the carriage. Both are clearly already drunk and one is probably mentally challenged to boot. He has that irritating song ‘Perfect’ by Pink playing at full volume from his mobile phone and keeps singing along with the chorus, making a particular effort to scream the line ‘You are perfect, FUCKING perfect to meee!’ at the top of his lungs.
The annoyance thankfully disappears when a muscular train guard, who looks in no mood for hijinks of this sort, stalks past my seat and neatly ejects both of the little sods at Woking before they can vandalise the train.
Once in London, the cab ride to the Hotel Chocolat offices costs an arm, a leg and part of my lower intestine - but I arrive good and early, ready to dazzle and wow my prospective employers to the point of needing sunglasses.
First comes the obligatory half an hour wait in front of the receptionist.
This seems to be a compulsory part of job interviewing these days. There must be some sort of manual for employers about interviewing that suggests a good way to soften them up is to have them sit directly across from your receptionist in uncomfortable silence for thirty minutes.
This one is about twenty two and wearing more make-up than the bloody Joker. I’m hoping for a loud noise off to one side, just to see if the slap she’s wearing falls off her face if her head moves too quickly.
The phone on her desk rings and the clown prince of crime picks it up. ‘They’re ready for you now, Mrs Newman,’ she tells me through her four layers of foundation.
‘Thanks,’ I reply, getting up and worrying at my skirt, which has inexplicably developed several large creases, despite the fact I’ve been sat still for half an hour.
My heart is hammering in my chest like a caffeine injected blacksmith as I pick up the portfolio beside me.
I wobble past Heath Ledger towards an expensive mahogany door.
It’s opened by a shiny young man in a dapper grey s
uit. He offers me the kind of smile I’ve only seen before on the face of a used car salesman.
‘Good morning Mrs Newman,’ he says. ‘Please take a seat.’ He gestures to a chair in front of an expensive mahogany desk. There must be a mahogany salesman in the city somewhere with a gold plated toilet.
‘God morning,’ I reply.
God morning? What the hell does God morning mean?
I meant to say good morning of course, but my nerves got the better of me.
He’s going to think I’m some kind of weirdo, God-bothering religious fruitcake now!
‘Good morning,’ I repeat. He smiles at me again in a slightly confused fashion and walks round to join his two colleagues behind the desk.
One of these is a thin, pleasant looking black man in a crisp blue suit, the other is Christopher Biggins.
I blink a couple of times.
How is this possible?
Since when did Biggins – portly comedian and star of many a bawdy television romp in the 1980s – change careers and become an executive for a chocolate company?
I blink again.
It’s not him, thank God.
He just looks uncannily like Christopher Biggins.
Relief washes over me. I don’t do well in the presence of celebrities - even minor ones. I once saw Geoff Capes in HMV and nearly peed myself. The thought of having to conduct myself professionally under the level gaze of a pantomime dame and the character Lukewarm from Ronnie Barker’s Porridge chills me to the bone.
…hang on a minute.
Isn’t Christopher Biggins dead anyway? I’m sure I read that somewhere.
Oh God. How long have I been stood here thinking about Christopher Biggins?
‘Please sit down,’ not Christopher Biggins tells me. He’s got a look on his face that suggests I was stood stock still trying to remember if Christopher Biggins is dead or not for an uncomfortably long period of time.
Stop thinking about Christopher Biggins, you mad bitch!
I sit down, grateful that the desk hides the cavernous creases in my skirt.
The nausea from earlier has returned stronger than ever, but I put it down to a combination of nerves and the Saturday hangover - and do my best to ignore it.
‘My name is Charles Lipman,’ says the nice black man. ‘These are my colleagues David Presley.’ He indicates the slick car salesman. ‘And Roger McDougal.’ He points at not-Biggins.
‘I’m very pleased to meet you all,’ I say, lying through my teeth.
‘As are we, Mrs Newman,’ Lipman continues. ‘From reading your C.V, it appears you may well have the qualities we’re after for the position of southern area manager.’ He pulls out a copy. ‘Tell us all about your previous experience.’
And with that, the interview is underway.
I put thoughts of camp television stars (who may or may not be dead, the jury is still out at this point), wrinkled skirts and Batman villains out of my head, and begin the job of dazzling these three men with my suitability for this fabulous job.
It all goes swimmingly.
For about twenty minutes.
They nod their heads appreciatively as I tell them about their business. They smile approvingly as I suggest ways to increase productivity and profit margins. They even chuckle at my carefully honed jokes about running my own business in a recession hit economy. Jamie had fed me these last night during a last minute flurry of revision. I wasn’t sure about using them, but he said they’d go a long way to proving I had a sparkling personality.
I’m in the middle of explaining the marketing strategy I’d like to employ for next Easter, when the nausea I’ve been keeping at bay all morning breaks through my carefully constructed mental dam and washes over me like a sickly tidal wave.
‘Are you alright Mrs Newman?’ not-Biggins asks, seeing I’ve suddenly gone a whiter shade of pale.
‘Yes,’ I squeak. I take a couple of deep breaths and continue. ‘As I was saying, the campaign needs to focus on parents, so I’ve devised a few strap lines I believe would - ’
My mouth is full of sick.
One minute it’s empty, the next it’s full. I’ve never known anything like it.
In previous experience, I’ve usually had more warning signs: the rolling of the stomach, that horrible coppery taste, the feeling of your throat muscles constricting…
This time though, it’s like a magic trick.
…and not a good one, like the kind Paul Daniels used to perform with the lovely Debbie McGee - and guest star Christopher Biggins.
The vomit simply appears in my mouth in a split second.
I shut my lips tight trying to prevent its exit into the world. My cheeks puff out and I begin to resemble Pob, that stupid kids TV character from the nineties.
‘My word. Are you feeling sick?’ Charles Lipman asks.
Pob can’t reply.
If Pob tries to say anything, a stream of warm vomit will be the only answer provided.
Then, horrifyingly, more sick jostles its way into my already over capacity mouth - like a fat commuter on an underground train during rush hour.
My hand flies up to cover my lips, but the inevitable is already happening. My gob can’t take anymore. The barrier is breeched. The Walls of Jericho have well and truly fallen.
From between my fingers, a fountain of vomit bursts forth, happy to be free of its enforced imprisonment.
All three of my interviewers back away in horror.
Charles Lipman and David Presley are up out of their chairs in an instant, but poor old portly not-Biggins is less limber, and instead of jumping out of his chair to avoid my up-chuck, he simply falls backward in a slapstick tumble his famous doppelganger would have been proud to execute in any matinee performance of Jack and the Beanstalk.
I’m up out of my seat as well, one hand still clasped to my face.
With the other I try to indicate that I need the nearest toilet. I waggle my finger around feverishly while skipping backwards out of range.
It looks like I’ve invented a new dance. Some kind of finger waggling, puffy cheeked update on the Charleston… with added stomach lining.
Thankfully, Charles Lipman divines the import of my interpretive dance. ‘There’s a bathroom through that door!’ he screeches, pointing maniacally at another expensive mahogany door to my right.
I rush towards it and bang the door open.
Inside is one of those executive washrooms that I have no doubt no-one has thrown up in previously.
I happily christen the facilities in the toilet stall at one end.
Most of the sick has already made its way up from my stomach, so I’m spared the hideous dry heaves. After only a couple of minutes I’m able to move away from the toilet bowl to clean myself up. There are some flecks of vomit on my jacket, but on the whole things could be worse.
I look like a heroin addled prostitute face-wise, but my clothes are in a fairly respectable state of repair considering what’s just happened.
Of course I can never leave this bathroom again.
This is my home now. They will have to send in food, drink and other supplies.
I’m glad my mobile phone is in my pocket so I can still communicate with loved ones. They’ll miss me no doubt, but perhaps the people at Hotel Chocolat can arrange visiting hours. I’ll have to bed down in the toilet stall and I’ll need some books to while away the coming decades, but on the whole staying in here is far better than opening the door and facing the three men I’ve just been sick in front of.
‘Er… Mrs Newman?’
It’s fucking Biggins. He wants me out. He wants to bask in my shame, to delight in my embarrassment.
I hate you not-Christopher Biggins and everything you stand for.
‘Are you alright, Mrs Newman?’ Presley also pipes up.
Of course I’m not alright you colossal pillock. I’ve just completely ruined my chances of getting a job with your company.
‘Yes, I’m fine!’ I shout through t
he door a little too loudly. ‘I’m going to come out now.’
The door swings open and I’m greeted by three worried faces. Not-Biggins looks the most concerned, to his credit.
‘I do apologise gentleman. I can’t explain how that happened. I assume I must be sick.’
Charles Lipman’s eyes narrow. ‘You’re not… not pregnant are you?’ he asks tentatively.
Me? Pregnant? Don’t be so flaming silly!
‘Oh, I very much doubt it, Mr Lipman. My husband and I are always careful with our contraception.’
…and there we have it. I’m now discussing my sexual health with three men I met less than half an hour ago. The bright red of shame flushes my face.
‘Oh.’ Lipman looks horrified. Presley looks like a deer in the headlights. McDougal continues to inexplicably look like Christopher Biggins.
‘Well Mrs Newman,’ Lipman carries on, ‘perhaps we should end the interview there, given what’s just happened? We wouldn’t want you to have to continue in your present state.’
You mean the feeling of bloated nausea? Or the drying vomit now forming an unsightly crust on my lapel?
‘Perhaps you’re right Mr Lipman.’ My face takes on its most hang-dog expression. ‘Thank you for seeing me today. I apologise for the sickness.’
‘That’s quite alright, Mrs Newman. My wife suffered with morning sickness with our first child,’ not-Biggins points out.
I’m not pregnant. Fuck you Widow Twanky!
I go over and pick up my portfolio.
‘You’re welcome to leave that here if you like, Mrs Newman, I’d like to read through it,’ Charles Lipman says. A glimmer of hope breaks through the clouds of abject mortification.
‘Thank you Mr Lipman, I will.’ I’m surprised by the way my voice is shaking.
With sudden unvarnished terror I realise I’m close to tears. Lipman’s simple offer to read my portfolio is about to make me cry like a five year old girl.
Love... And Sleepless Nights MAY 2012 Page 1
