by Leeda Vada
“We’re not talking about my mate. We are talking about my sister, a sister who has been brutalized physically and emotionally. You can’t expect me to stand around and do nothing.”
“We’ve all failed her, Rand,” Canaan responded. “We all want to help her. You may question some of the decisions I have made in the past, but you cannot question my love for her.’
He didn’t reply.
“Calli’s awake and talking. I’ve come down to get her a tray,” Canaan continued.
“What do you need us to do?” Dakota asked, following Rand and Canaan into the kitchen.
“I appreciate your offer of help,” Canaan replied, “but I can handle things here. I need you to take care of League business for a while.”
Turning from securing the soup tureen from the refrigerator, Canaan addressed Rand. “Will you let your parents know that Calli’s awake and alert? I will keep them posted on her condition until she is ready to do so herself.”
“When do you think that will be?” Rand asked.
“I don’t know,” Canaan replied, with a sigh of frustration.
“I want to see her,” Rand stated.
Canaan hesitated. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” he responded. “She needs some time.”
“I’m not asking your permission,” Rand corrected him.
Canaan closed the refrigerator door and gave Rand his full attention. “She’s my wife, Rand. Her care is my responsibility,” Canaan emphasized.
“I can take care of myself,” interjected Calli, standing in the kitchen doorway. Walking over to her brother, she gave him a quick hug. “I’m all right, Rand, but I need to be alone for a while. Tell Mom and Dad that I am okay and will call them soon.” As he prepared to speak, Calli placed her fingers on his lips. “Please!”
Removing her hand, Rand acquiesced. “But I want to hear from you in the next couple of days, even if it’s only for a minute or two. Will you do that for me?”
“I promise,” she agreed, after another quick hug. “And you,” turning to Dakota, “will you thank Tamby and all the others for their support at the trial? I’ll thank them in person later.”
“Of course,” Dakota responded. “I’ll leave with Rand. Just let me know if there’s anything you need,” he said as the two of them proceeded through the swinging doors.
#
Canaan poured her a cup of coffee. “Shouldn’t you be lying down?”
“I don’t think I want to lie down again for a long time,” Calli sighed, reaching for the steaming coffee mug. “What about you? You couldn’t have gotten much sleep in that chair the last two nights.”
“I got enough,” Canaan insisted, sliding onto a stool across from her. Neither knew what to say to break the awkward silence so the two just sat there for a while, quietly sipping their coffee and watching the alpha female frolicking on the esplanade with her offspring.
Finally, Canaan spoke. “Tell me what to do to help you, Calli. I know you’re hurting, and I need to do something to make it better.”
“I don’t know, Canaan,” Calli replied, avoiding his eyes. “I’m not in pain,” she protested. “I don’t feel anything.” She stood and walked to the window and focused her eyes on the ancient rose garden. “I’m empty. Whatever feelings there were, they are gone now.”
Turning back to face him and hoping to alleviate some of the agony in his face, she insisted, “None of what happened is your fault. Every action I took was my choice. No one forced me to do anything.”
“How can you say that?” Canaan protested. “If I had claimed you as my mate five years ago, none of this would have happened.”
“You can’t know that, Canaan. No one can,” she asserted, rising and standing akimbo. “God, will you ever change?” she said in frustration. “You are not the Almighty. You don’t know everything.”
At the hurt expression on his face, she walked up and placed her hand on his cheek. “Please, Canaan, let’s not do this. If I had not threatened Apollo, if I had not insisted on being a lone wolf, if I had not been chosen as your mate?” Using her other hand, she cupped his face. “We could go on forever with ‘What ifs’, but it would change nothing.” Removing her hands, she lifted her cup and headed back upstairs.
#
The foundation of male Canids’ existence was the protection of their women and children, and since Calli was Canaan’s destined mate and his wife, her welfare was paramount and would always be.
He watched her as she lay curled up in his arms, her raven curls nestled against his chest. Tendrils lifted as his breath caressed them. She would only allow him to hold her when she was asleep, her conscious mind oblivious to the chaos her life was now.
His love for her was all-consuming and not an element that time with any of its trials and tribulations would lessen. He would teach that to her.
No matter the pain they each had inflicted on the other, his passion for her had never diminished, his love had not wavered. The rejection of his father as her Alpha, the loss of her virginity, none of that affected the depth of his love for her. Rage, a sense of betrayal, irrevocable loss, yes, they had all been there. But those feelings were now buried deep. He wanted no hint of them discernible by Calli as she lay in his arms. They were his issues, and he would deal with them later.
But even if Canaan had no longer loved her, even if he were repelled by the knowledge of others having had access to her body, he would have had no choice but to see to her protection, for she was his mate.
He would not fail her again. No one, not his family, and not the rest of the Canid community would get in the way of that commitment. Not even Calli herself. No matter how much she resisted, how hard she tried to hide, he would not allow it. Not this time.
#
Canaan woke to Calli’s hands stroking his body.
Her hands spread over the flesh his open shirt revealed. He trembled at their touch. Warmth slowly spread through his blood and goose bumps rose in the wake of her slow stroking fingers as they moved lower over his abdomen. Only the trembling hesitancy of her efforts alerted him to the fear she was suppressing to tend to his need.
“You don’t have to do this,” he reiterated in rasping, hushed tones.
“I know that, but I want to. I need to.” She pushed the shirt from his shoulder. He did not resist, allowing her arms to fall to his side.
The slight rasping of her tongue on its way to his belly button had him jerking his body, knotting his hands.
It took all his will power to keep leashed the beast that was longing to touch its mate. But Canaan knew how fragile his mate was. He would do nothing to shake her confidence in the tentative steps she was taking.
He would accept her gift. He had fantasized about her touch, and he would not shatter this moment for either of them.
Her heated body was overwhelming her senses. She was feeling things she had thought she would never feel again, feelings that had been dead to her ever since the attack.
Removing the comforter with one yank, Canaan lowered her to the mattress, rolled to the side, and spooned her into his arms.
#
Calli woke still sheltered in Canaan’s arms. She held herself still, not wanting to wake him. Her insecurity was back. Canaan was a Canid male, and as such, possessed a powerful sex drive. She knew that last night had not touched it.
“It was enough,” Canaan whispered into her ear. “You let me hold you, touch you. And you held and touched me. We are going to take it slow and easy. The rest will come.”
“And if it doesn’t, Canaan?”
“I’m happier here with you now than I can ever remember being in my life. If this is all we get to have, it is enough, Calli. “It is more than enough.”
Calli didn’t not know if she believed him.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
After her trial, Calli returned to Delmar to work with the Amazons, only to discover that Sheba had deactivated her.
“What’s going on?” she aske
d, entering Sheba’s inner office. “My locker has been cleaned out and my name tag is gone.” She tried to read Sheba’s face. “I don’t understand. I don’t remember resigning.”
Sheba looked up from the report she was reading. “You are a universally known entity now, Calli. You can
no longer be effective underground.”
Coming from behind her desk, Sheba signaled Calli to one of the wing chairs before the small fireplace. Taking the other, she poured fennel tea into the two cups awaiting them on the small side table.
“Your face would be instantly recognized in any covert activity.” She held Calli’s gaze, “I can’t risk the lives of the other operatives or the lives of any prospective clients. I have no choice.”
“So what am I supposed to do?”
“You have a future as Canaan’s mate. You have a community of people who love you,” Sheba reminded her. “The Canid community could use your skills.”
Rising from her seat and crossing to the window, Calli folded her arms across her chest, pressing her nails into her forearms.
“The Canid community could use my skills! Are you joking?” Calli responded, incredulous. “You’ve forgotten that the Canid community soundly rejected my skills five years ago.”
“Things are different now. You’ve proven yourself as an equal who can stand beside Canaan, as his wife and partner, an equal in skills and power,” responded Sheba.
“What if I don’t want to serve the Canid community?” she snapped as she paced the room. “What if I don’t want to be Canaan’s wife and partner?”
“Do you have a choice?”
Calli stopped and faced her, “Canaan and I haven’t mated. He has claimed me as his mate and wife, but until the physical act takes place, I still have the right to reject the mating,” she replied to Sheba.
“Why hasn’t Canaan mated you, Calli?” Sheba inquired.
“He’s afraid he will hurt me. The mating ritual is a violent one. He wants to wait until I am ready. He says he doesn’t want the act to be another rape.”
“And how do you feel about that?” Sheba asked. “Do you fear the consummation?”
Pausing, Calli walked back to the window, and looked out. “Yes, I fear it, but not for the reason Canaan thinks. Sheba, I have no feelings left inside me. I feel nothing when Canaan touches me, not when he holds my hand or brushes the back of his hand across my cheek.”
She stared at Sheba as she returned to her seat, “I have to steel myself against flinching when he reaches for me.”
“Does Canaan force himself on you, Calli?” Sheba asked.
“Of course not,” Calli responded quickly. “Canaan would never do anything like that. He would never hurt me.”
Turning her head away from Sheba, she faced the fireplace. “Canaan is a man. He has needs. I feel the desperation he struggles with when he is near me. I lament the hours he spends working out, punishing his body until he falls into a fitful, restless sleep. All of this is taking a terrible toll on him.”
Reaching for her hand, Sheba turned Calli toward her. “Canaan is a man, Calli, a man who has waited over fifteen years to make love to the only woman he can ever love. He made that choice when he failed to claim you when you were eighteen. You are not responsible for the consequences of a decision that he made.”
“I know that. But he made that decision to protect me,” said Calli, withdrawing her hand.
“That doesn’t matter,” Sheba insisted. “He made it. Now he has to live with it.”
“So where do I go from here? Mate with Canaan and bear as many of the next generation of Canid as I can? Be a little Belen?” Calli scoffed and stood, grabbing the box of her locker’s contents and prepared to leave.
“Only if that is what you want,” responded Sheba, rising with her. “Before you make any decisions, talk to Canaan.”
“Talk to Canaan? What makes you think he will listen to me? He didn’t fifteen years ago.”
“You’re not eighteen anymore, Calli,” Sheba reminded her. “You are a strong, independent, courageous, loyal woman, a woman who has the right to take her place as the destined mate of the leader of the next generation of the Powhatan dynasty. Do not let anyone, yourself included, prevent you from taking what is yours, yours and your children’s. And as for terms, make your own. You are not Belen. Don’t try to be.” Sheba walked over and lifted her chin. “Canaan fell in love with you, the way you are. If you change that, you run the risk of losing that love, and no matter what you say to me or to yourself, you love Canaan. Let that love give you the strength to face whatever obstacles are put in the way of making your life what you want it to be.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Calli was restless. Since Sheba fired her two weeks ago, she needed something to fill the hours. She was not ready to rejoin the Canid community, and not sure if she would ever be.
She and Canaan were still feeling their way back to each other. It was hard to find things to talk about that would not trigger some form of confrontation.
Canaan knew she was not happy about the loss of her undercover status and therefore was relieved about Sheba’s decision.
He wanted her doing something that would not put her in danger. But her “Ihmissus” role was a huge part of her identity. She craved the excitement. The adrenaline rush. The challenge she felt when she was immersed in a case.
As Calli made her way down to the kitchen area adjacent to the first-floor recreation area, she heard raised voices.
Largo was reprimanding Hawk for the mess he had left in the kitchen.
“Zip it, Largo, man. I’ll clean it up later. Let me sleep. This floor is hard enough without you yelling at me.”
“Why are you sleeping on the floor?” Calli wanted to know, approaching them.
“It’s cold as crap out there,” Largo grumbled.
“Why don’t you use some of the rooms upstairs? You can fix them up and make yourself comfortable.”
“Canaan wants at least two of us near you at all times,” Hawk interjected.
“I don’t need babysitters. And anyway, the wolves are here,” Calli countered.
“We feel you, Calli,” Largo responded. “But try telling your mate that.”
“I guess Canaan is a wee bit overprotective right now,” Calli admitted.
“Don’t worry about us, little sis,” said Hawk. “We have bedded down in much harder places than this.”
As Calli helped herself to some of the leftover bacon and made a couple slices of toast, she thought about the living situation at the castle.
She knew it would be futile to try to get Canaan to change his mind about her protection detail. Still, there had to be a way to make the situation more comfortable for all of them and give her more time to find something that would replace the purpose, challenge, and excitement of her old life.
She spent the rest of the day walking through the castle and over its grounds with her computer, inputting ideas for renovations as she went along. She had a goal now: to make Aragon their home.
#
Several days later, she approached Canaan with a rough outline of her plan. Looking up from his desk, a wary smile crossed his face. “Are you okay? Is something wrong?”
“No, I just have something I want to run by you.” Calli pulled the wing chair up next to his side of desk and projected her portfolio.
Canaan remained silent as he examined each screen. Try as she might, Calli could not discern his reaction. Then she chastised herself for even trying. After all, Canaan had been trained from the time he could walk to control his emotions, and he was a master at it.
After the presentation, he clasped his hands below his chin and stared ahead. Calli felt her face warm as he prolonged the suspense. “Stop teasing me, asshole, and tell me what you think.”
Canaan grinned. “I love your concept.”
He restarted the tape and pressed pause at several points to offer suggestions for revisions. Calli feverishly recorded his commen
ts to ponder later.
As the tape ended, Canaan turned to her. “I may have some suggestions that will impact security, and I want to consult with the team about the availability of a trustworthy workforce before I present the proposal to them. Other than that, you have my stamp of approval.”
Noticing the slight frown that appeared in his wife’s countenance at those words, Canaan quickly apologized. “Let me amend that last statement. Your proposal is brilliant, and you have my unconditional support.”
“Thank you. I am so excited. I know it will be a lot of work, but I really want to contribute to our life here. I feel as if I have been taking and taking from you. I want to give back, to support to you, just as you support me and have done all my life.”
“Calli, how can I get you to understand that your loving me is all the support I need?”
“I do understand, but I also know I’m not giving you the physical expression of my love that you need.” Raising her hand before he can voice his denial, Calli grimaced. “Don’t, Canaan. The evidence is clear. In fact, it is getting clearer by the moment.”
Canaan struggled not to drop his gaze. “What can I say, good things are worth waiting for, and I am a very patient man,” he assured her, pulling her into his arms and brushing a kiss across her forehead. “Do you mind if I share your ideas with the rest of the team?”
“Of course not.”
#
After the team had gathered in front of the large stone fireplace on the ground floor, Calli projected her vision level by level.
The ground level let visitors into the keep, the traditional heart of the castle. During the Medieval ages, the main purpose of the castle was defense, so the keep had not been decorated for pleasure but for war. Though its walls still housed artifacts left over from the past, it now served as the section of the castle that the public visited.
