“Is Gideon here?” Sabrina didn’t appear too happy, but she looked festive in her red coat.
“Not at the moment. But he’ll be back shortly. Come in.”
“Thanks.” She stomped her snowy boots on the doormat, then came into the house.
“You do know he doesn’t live here, right?”
“I know. But he’s been here every time I’ve stopped by since he started working on this place.” She peeled out of her coat, revealing decidedly non-Amish attire of stretchy, tight black pants and a hot pink sweater that accentuated every curve from her low neckline to the tops of her thighs. Mattie felt like a brown mouse next to her. She took off her gloves, stuffed them into her coat pockets, and stretched out her free hand. “I’m Sabrina.”
“Mattie.”
Something akin to shock passed through her eyes. “You’re Mattie Lane?”
She took Sabrina’s coat and hung it on one of the pegs by the front door. “Ya.”
She fluffed out her short black hair. “I saw you here a few weeks ago, didn’t I?”
“Ya, you did.”
She smiled. “Ashley never liked that he broke up with you. She’d be pleased that the two of you are back together.”
That was just odd. Why would Ashley disapprove of Gideon ending a relationship with another girl? “We’re not back together. I’m going home to Ohio in a few days.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“I’m sorry about your sister.”
Her eyes clouded. “He told you?”
“Ya.”
Sabrina sniffled and then gave a small smile. “Wow. This place has never smelled so good.”
“That’d be the cakes I made today.” Mattie led Sabrina to the kitchen.
Her mouth fell open when she saw the two cakes. “These are remarkable. Gideon told me you made cakes, but he never said you were this good.”
Why would Gideon say anything at all about her? “Well, I’ve improved a lot.” She took the almost dry pastry bag from the drainer and patted it with a towel. “He … talked to you about me?”
“Only all the time. It’s one of the reasons I like him so much. He’s got a really good heart. Not many out there like him.” Sabrina’s eyes widened. “Sorry. I guess it’s out of line to say that about an old boyfriend.”
“I’ve met someone else.”
“Ashley warned him you would. She told him to be honest with you.”
Honest? Feeling as if she was missing entire segments of this conversation, she wanted to ask Sabrina to clarify what she meant. “She sounds like a good person.”
“She was. She believed with all her heart that she and Gideon would both beat that awful disease. But there’s no predicting who will beat it.” The girl’s voice grew thick.
Mattie’s breath caught in her throat, and her mind ground to a halt. Both? Gideon had it too? Suddenly it dawned on her that she’d never once asked Gideon how he met Ashley.
Sabrina returned her attention to the wedding cake. “Did you go to school to learn how to do this? Or does it come naturally to you?”
Her words garbled in Mattie’s brain, and she couldn’t respond. Everything around her seemed to be happening in slow motion, as if she were in a dream. Leukemia?
Gideon walked inside. He stopped short when he saw Sabrina. “Hey there. What are you doing here?”
“I have to leave on my trip tomorrow, and I wanted to see you first.”
He shot a glance at Mattie. Then he led Sabrina to the front door, helped her into her coat, and took her arm as they went outside.
Mattie inhaled a halting breath. She poured herself a glass of water, trembling as she gulped it down.
He had cancer. Missing bits and pieces to understanding Gideon dangled just out of reach. She could see the scraps now, but they made little sense.
Reeling in shock, she tried to review the events of three years ago, overlaying what she’d perceived had happened with this new perspective.
What had he done?
Gideon walked Sabrina to her car. No stars were visible, and the air seemed pitch black as white snowflakes fell all around them.
Sabrina opened her trunk and passed him a present. “You can’t open that until Christmas, but since I won’t be in town to deliver it then, I’m going to have to trust you.”
He bounced the package up and down. “At least I know it’s not another five pounds of fudge.”
She laughed. “Ashley made me promise you’d always get a Christmas present. She thought it’d help remove some of the sting of loneliness that swallows people in your position.”
She was right. Battling cancer had an unbearable isolation to it. Not wanting to get sucked down that hole, he teased, “What, you mean a man without a girlfriend?”
“No, silly. Although I just met your Mattie Lane.”
“She’s not mine, not anymore.”
“Maybe it’s not too late.”
“It was too late years ago.”
“There’s always a chance for Christmas magic. You tell me that every year.”
“Not in this case. Mattie’s going to Ohio to build a life with her guy, and I’m staying here.”
“I’m sorry.”
Her words summed up his own feelings. He’d always love Mattie.
He held up the package. “Thanks for bringing this. Now go. Have enough fun in Europe for both of us.”
“Merry Christmas, Gideon.” She hugged him before hopping into her car. He waved as Sabrina pulled out of the driveway.
Something grabbed his arm and jerked him. When he turned, Mattie’s features were taut, and her eyes held disbelief as frigid winds thrashed at her dress and apron. “What have you done?”
His thoughts splintered into a dozen directions, trying to figure out what she was referring to. “About what?”
“How could you?” Her muted shriek came from deep within.
He swallowed hard, fearing Sabrina had revealed his secret.
And he also had a distant, uncontrollable hope that she had.
He took Mattie’s arm to keep her from falling on the slick ground. “Let’s go inside.”
She pulled away, slapping at his arms through his thick coat. “Stop babying me,” she hissed.
He held up his hands and backed away. “Okay.”
She jerked a breath into her lungs. “I want you to tell me the truth. Can you do that?”
“If I do, it’ll open doors to things we’ve both locked away. Just let it be.”
“I want answers, Gideon.” She balled her hands into fists. “Truthful ones!”
He nodded. “Okay, I promise, nothing but complete honesty.”
She glanced heavenward, disgust and hurt written in her eyes. After a few moments she focused on him, looking a little more in control of her emotions. “What did you do three years ago?”
He took off his coat and put it around her shoulders. She stared at him without moving. He tugged on the collar of it. The temptation to say, “I’ve loved you for a lifetime, Mattie Lane,” was almost too strong to conquer. Instead, he said, “After months of feeling bad and going to doctors who were no help, I … was diagnosed with leukemia.”
Horror filled her features. “Gideon.” Her whisper held deep pity, and he was reminded of another reason he’d lied to her. He didn’t want her to stay by his side out of pity. “Are you still sick?”
He shook his head. “No, not right now.”
Relief flickered in her eyes for a moment.
“I’d planned on telling you about my illness after the holidays. But then Ashley came to me with devastating news.” He steadied his voice as best he could. “She was cancer free one day and facing a grueling battle the next. What hope did I have … what life could I offer you? You arrived at my place minutes after she told me her latest diagnosis. Knowing my cancer had gone from a bad stage to a worse one, I … did what I thought would be best for you in the long run.”
Her face contorted with confusion. “Did you love me?”<
br />
“With every breath I’ve ever drawn.”
“Then why, Gideon?” She sounded close to hysteria.
“Imagine we were in a buggy traveling together and an eighteen-wheeler was gunning for me. All I could think of was getting you out, Mattie. Getting you to safety.”
“Do you have any idea what you did to me?” she screamed, shaking her fists in the air.
“Ya. I spared you. I was in isolation for nearly nine months after a bone marrow transplant. I came so close to dying time and again and was too sick to hold up my head; I couldn’t work. The treatments cost an incredible amount of money. Every penny I’d saved for our life together is gone. A government program had to take over covering the medical costs. I was powerless to do anything worthwhile … except that I’d let you go before it got that bad.” He drew a breath, trying to close the dam of pain before they both drowned in it. “You were brokenhearted when your mother was diagnosed with lupus. I couldn’t bear to put you through all that again with me. I didn’t want you trapped in a life you’d seek rescue from.”
“Rescue? Do you think I wanted to be saved from Mamm’s illness?” She held her hands open, thrusting them palms up as she spoke. “What? Do you think I’d have chosen to have a different Mamm just so I wouldn’t have to go through that hardship?”
“No, of course not. But your Mamm’s health has always been fragile, and you’ve had a heavy weight on you since you were little, long before she got lupus.”
“Open your eyes, Gideon Beiler.” She waved a finger in his face. “Sure, I’ve grieved for Mamm, but because of her fragility, I learned how to embrace each day with her as if it might be our last. I learned how to love and give without allowing her illness to pull me under.”
“But it did take its toll, day after day, year in and year out.”
“Tears and sleepless nights are not signs of weakness. Jesus wept a few times in His life, and He was awake a lot while others slept. Does that mean He was too weak to cope? Or was He showing the depth and power of His compassion?”
Gideon wished he could make her see his point, but no counterargument came to him.
Mattie ducked her head, fighting tears. “It’s impressive that you had the strength to shut me out and go through that journey on your own, but you needed to have found the strength to let me in.” She lifted her chin. “Look at who I am. I spend months planning and preparing cakes that are marred with the first slice and devoured in minutes.” She drew a shaky breath. “But having something that I’ve worked on taken apart doesn’t make me give up. It’s the thrill of creating it and the joy it brings to others and the memories it gives that matter. That’s who I am. I wouldn’t have given up on you out of fear of what the future might bring. I would have done my best to make our lives a beautiful creation while enjoying whatever time we had.”
He heard sleigh bells in the distance. Someone was coming toward them. This conversation would end soon, and he wasn’t sure when they’d have another opportunity to speak so openly.
She stepped close and tugged on his shirt. “But I have no idea who you are. I haven’t for a really long time.” She took his coat off her shoulders and held it out to him. “I’m sorry about everything you’ve been through. But in your effort to protect me, you killed the one person who mattered the most to me—you.”
“Hello.” Jonah brought the sleigh to a stop a few feet away from them.
Beth clapped her gloved hands. “You two have taken too long to come to Lizzy’s, and we’ve come to get you.”
“Wait, I’ll be right back.” Mattie disappeared into the house and moments later came out wearing her own coat and carrying the celebration cake.
“What’s that?” Beth asked.
Mattie passed it to her. “It’s a gift for you and your guests to enjoy tonight. But I’d like to go home. Would you mind dropping me off?”
“Of course not,” Jonah said.
“I can’t really see all the detail right now,” Beth said, examining the cake in the dark, “but I can tell it’s exquisite.”
“Mattie Lane,” Gideon whispered, “don’t go like this.”
She ignored him.
Beth lifted a blanket. “Kumm. We’ll drop the cake off at Lizzy’s and be on our way.”
Jonah helped Mattie into the sleigh. “Gideon, will you take Mattie’s horse and rig home so she’ll have it for the morning?”
“Ya.” He stood alone as they drove off, knowing that the only thing more devastating than having a serious illness was the destruction wrought while trying to cover it up.
Mattie’s head throbbed as she sat at the bride-and-groom table next to Gideon, trying to eat. Six hours ago in the basement filled with loved ones seated on folding chairs, Jonah had walked Beth down the aisle in this house—their home. Beth wore a crisp burgundy wine cape dress with a sheer white cape and apron in place of the usual black one. Mattie had on the exact same outfit, as did the other girls in the bridal party.
Traditionally, Amish couples got married in the home of the bride’s parents or an uncle, so today was very unusual—like Beth and Jonah themselves.
Beth sat across from Jonah, and Gideon sat between Beth and Mattie. The placement of who sat where was a tradition that had probably begun hundreds of years ago, possibly longer. But Mattie couldn’t take much more of being paired with Gideon.
Her thoughts were a jumbled mess. The idea of Gideon going through treatment without her support tormented her. She felt as if he’d just received the diagnosis, and the realization that he’d shut her out while trying to protect her made everything worse.
What was she supposed to think … or feel? He’d broken her heart, and, unknowingly, she’d been furious with him while he spent two years battling for his life.
Beth leaned behind Gideon, who was chatting with Jonah, and caught Mattie’s attention. “Gideon will lead the first round of songs, so be sure to tell him some of your favorites.”
Mattie did her best to keep a smile pasted on for Beth’s benefit, hoping not to dampen her cousin’s celebration. “I think I’ll choose some sad, pitiful dirges,” she teased, “to match your mood today.”
Beth laughed.
When Mattie sat forward, her eye caught Gideon’s, and it was all she could do to keep from bursting into tears. He’d betrayed her—both of them, really. When the main part of the meal was over, a multitude of women removed dirty tableware. Lizzy cut the cake and dished it onto dessert plates, and Beth’s sisters-in-law and aunts served everyone. Mattie enjoyed the oohs over Beth and Jonah’s wedding cake and received compliments galore once people took a bite of it. Whatever else Gideon had destroyed or stolen, he hadn’t ruined the part of her that was a cake maker and decorator.
A distant, fuzzy thought tried to enter her consciousness, and she turned to Gideon as if studying him would bring clarity. He said he’d asked her brother James about Sol, but when? There was no way Gideon had talked to James on her phone at the store. And until her shop burned, James never went to the Kings’ store to use their phone. Had Gideon spent his limited strength and money to come to Ohio to check on her?
He turned to face her, and she knew he had. How many times had he come to Berlin in the last three years?
“Just think about our canoe ride down the Susquehanna … and the wild dance that man performed before he tipped us over,” Gideon whispered.
She allowed a weak smile to surface. Is that what got him through—thinking about their good times?
The endless questions were on her last nerve, and she wished they’d stop.
In a few minutes she could leave this spot and maybe be able to breathe again. By tradition, when the meal ended, close family would wash dishes and clean up while the bride and groom, their friends, and the other guests visited or freshened up. In an hour or so, everyone would reconvene for songs and rounds of snacks. She scanned the room, looking for her escape.
Mamm was going into a spare bedroom with a stack of wrapped gifts. That�
��d be a quiet, out-of-the-way place to hide for a bit. When Beth and Jonah got up to mingle, Mattie knew she could disappear without being missed. She wound her way through the crowd, but before she got to the closed door of the bedroom, her Mamm opened it and stepped out.
Mamm grinned, shutting the door behind her. “Sorry, Mattie, this room is off-limits to anyone trying to take a peek at the gifts.”
Mattie fought the desire to shrink into her mom’s arms and weep.
Mamm’s smile faded into concern. “Mattie, sweetheart.” She cupped her face with her soft hands. “I thought you’d feel better today.”
Tears welled in Mattie’s eyes, and Mamm took her by the hand, led her into the room, and locked the door behind them. “You came home early last night and went straight to bed. And now you’re sad. What’s wrong?”
Mattie wiped her tears. “Gideon didn’t break up with me because of someone else. He lied about her, about a lot of things.”
Mamm stared wide-eyed. “Are you still in love with him?”
Mattie couldn’t answer her. She went into the half bath and rinsed her face, the cool water easing the burning in her eyes. “I might have thought I was yesterday, but how can I be?” She buried her face in a towel, trying to get control. She took a breath. “I don’t know who he is.”
“I was disappointed in him when he broke up with you. Truth of the matter is, I was really angry that he’d hurt you.” Mamm tightened her hands into fists and shook them before she smiled. “And if I’d seen him out and about, I might’ve scolded him, but he left Apple Ridge about the same time you did. During the first two years, I heard he returned for two or three days around Christmas. Then about a year ago, he returned for good, and I was at Verna’s when he came in. He didn’t look anything like the man who’d left here. But I talked with him for a bit. I don’t remember what it was about, but I saw …” She tapped the center of her chest. “I saw with the same part of me that sees God, and I knew right then that whatever took place between you two, he’s the same man he’s always been—patient, kind, and trustworthy.”
The Christmas Singing Page 11
