by M. Sembera
Slowly opening the door, I stepped out onto the porch.
“What are you doing here?” I snapped at him.
Looking me over, he replied, “I wanted to check and see if you were alright, Roberts said you were supposed to meet him for lunch and never showed up,” before adding, “And you didn’t come to my party.”
“I just forgot about it?” I lied.
A familiar look from him caused my stomach to turn as he questioned, “Lunch or the party?”
Shrugging, I looked down and shook my head.
Taking a step closer to me, he shared, “You don’t have to stay here. I can help you, just come with me.”
“What makes you think I need help?” I snapped.
Narrowing his eyes in disbelief, he answered, “Look at yourself, why do you wanna live like this? I know it’s always been like this for you but it doesn’t have to be.”
Jackson’s reference to my father infuriated me and I shouted, “Just stay out of it! I’m fine here! I don’t need you telling me what’s best for me, just leave me alone,” before slamming the door in his face.
Without watching for him to leave, I ran back to Henley’s room and threw myself onto the bed. How could someone be that selfish? He didn’t know what he was talking about. All Jackson ever cared about was what he wanted. He wasn’t there when I needed him. When I needed someone, he was nowhere to be found.
~
Not quite over Jackson’s visit when Henley made it home. I sat across the table, staring at him. Wishing I could scream and throw things. I wasn’t willing to face the consequences if I did.
Henley placed his fork on the corner of his plate before looking over at me, asking, “Are you eating?”
Glaring at him, I stated, “No.”
“Why not?” he snapped.
“I don’t want to,” I replied.
Narrowing his eyes at me, he asked, “Are you upset?”
Without answering him, I got up from the table and walked into his bedroom.
~
Lying in the bathtub, I looked down at myself. I was still so angry with Jackson. How dare he come here and try to get me to leave. Who the hell did he think he was? He told me to look at myself. I was thinner than I can ever remember being and the fingerprint bruises down my arms, across my hips and thighs did make for a sickly appearance.
Looking up, as Henley stepped into the bathroom, I watched his eyes follow my body all the way from my toes before meeting mine. I didn’t need anyone else.
Lw~H~
When Henley said he wanted me in his shop, the thought of venturing outside the house with him was thrilling. On the way, he held my hand, leaning over and kissing me at every stop light. I was a little confused at first when we pulled up in front of a china shop but as it turned out, Diavolo was through a breezeway between stores, behind the storefront. Because of his dealings it was hidden so no one just ran across it.
Walking through the breezeway, Henley tightened his grip on my hand before pressing me against the wall whispering, “I don’t know if I can wait.”
Taking a deep breath, I smiled before saying, “So don’t.”
With a slight grunt, he kissed me before practically dragging me around the corner to the doors.
It was impossible to see into the shop through the mirrored glass doors. I caught a glimpse of myself as he unlocked the door and quickly looked away.
Pulling me into his shop, he locked the door before pressing me against it, stating, “I need you.”
Gathering his shirt in my fingers, I panted, “Now,” unable to control myself.
I didn’t even get his shirt all the way off before there was a tap on the glass behind us.
~
Banished to the back room, every time I thought we would have a minute, the phone rang or there was another knock at the door. Sitting on a table in the back room, I rolled my eyes and gave a heavy sigh each time he stepped in and then right back out. Frustrated and bored out of my mind, I spent the entire day in hell.
~
Henley stepped into the room. The look in his eyes was all the confirmation I needed that his shop was finally closed.
Leaning over to kiss me, I pulled away, griping, “I’m so glad I came. This was so much better than spending the day by myself.”
“I was busy,” he defended.
Rolling my eyes, I hopped off the table.
Pushing me into the table, he whispered, “Shop’s closed now.”
Flicking the buttons open on my shirt, he kissed all the way to my belly button.
Watching him make his way back up my stomach to my lips, I pouted, “You left me back here all by myself.”
“I neglected you,” he admitted.
As I nodded at him, he seemed genuinely upset by what I said.
Falling to his knees, Henley stared at the floor. Slowly pulling me down with him, his every movement was completely devoted to my fulfillment.
Lw~H~
Shivering on the edge of the bathtub, I watched him turn the faucet on. The same morose expression on his face as always, he wouldn’t look at me. It even hurt to breath. I didn’t want to take a bath. I wanted to go to sleep. At the moment, I couldn’t even remember what started the fight in the first place. All I knew was this was the worst fight we ever had.
I slid into the warm water and it burned. Tears, that refused to subside, poured down my cheeks. Looking at Henley sitting on the bathroom floor staring at the wall instead of me, I knew it was bad.
Taking slow shallow breaths, I asked, “Are you ok?”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you that bad,” he mumbled.
Nodding, I consoled, “I know,” before saying, “Look at me.”
His breath grew heavy as he narrowed his eyes at me, swearing, “I will take care of you until you get better.”
“I wanna get out,” I said before noticing his expression and clarifying, “Out of the tub.”
Slowly standing up, he grabbed a towel and lifted me out of the bathtub.
Finding it hard to stand on my own, I held onto his arm as he carefully dried me off. Every time I tried to glance at myself in the mirror, he moved blocking my view.
Helping me to the bed, he questioned, “Why did you make me do this to you?”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, wondering why myself.
My father always said I didn’t know my place. What was wrong with me?
As he slowly pulled the covers over me, I assured, “I need you.”
Sliding into bed next to me, he pulled my back against him, saying, “I’ll be gentle.”
~
Henley fell asleep almost instantly. Lying on my back, his head was against mine and I could feel his breath on my shoulder. In the years since I met him that was one thing I could never get over. No matter what the situation was, feeing his breath on any part of me always brought me back to the first time he brought me to his house.
~
I couldn’t fall asleep. Whether it was the dull ache in my body or of my mind, I had grown accustomed to both. It was hard for me to imagine life any other way. I would never survive without Henley. I needed him and for him to need me in return, was more than I could have ever hoped for.
Every time I closed my eyes, I could see my father’s face and almost hear him saying the same things to me as Henley said. Guilt filled me as I wished I could go back and tell my father I was sorry. There wasn’t a moment growing up that I didn’t make things more difficult for him and most of the time it was intentional.
Recalling the day my mother sat on the side of my bed, trying to defend my father’s actions to me. She asked me what I would do if I had though my life would turn out one way and it didn’t. At the time, I was so mad at her and my father, I didn’t actually listen to what she was saying. The more I thought about it, the more I realized, I still didn’t know the answer to that question. I didn’t have a plan for my life. I never planned for my future or thought of what would happen to me when I gre
w up. Maybe that was my problem. With no goals or aspirations, what did I have to lose by not following rules or giving into authority.
Finally feeling myself drift off, I decided, this is where I belonged. Henley was my life.
Lw~H~
It took a few months before I healed enough, outside and inside, to have lunch with Emerson. He was sitting at a table in a local restaurant. Trying to prepare myself for the way he looked at me, I took slow controlled breaths. Emerson never asked questions or gave advice, he just assured me that he was there and always would be.
Sliding into the seat across from him, I watched his thoughtful eyes look me over.
“I am glad you came,” he assured in a soft voice.
Nodding, I said, “I am too.”
Looking down as the waiter brought our food to the table, he shared, “I ordered for you.”
Since I had missed several lunches with him, I questioned, “What if I hadn’t shown up?”
With a light sigh Emerson replied, “I always do, whether you show up or not.”
Feeling my jaw clench as my eyes involuntarily filled with tears, I breathed, “Why?”
“Because, I love you,” he answered.
Shaking my head as tears rolled down my cheeks, I couldn’t remember the last time I heard those words. Emerson was the first and only person who had ever said them to me. I wanted to say it back but just the thought was excruciating enough.
“So how are things? Anything new?” I asked, wiping my eyes and trying to distract myself.
Emerson’s eyes were sincere as he replied, “Nothing has changed, we are all the same as we were before,” and I got the feeling there was more meaning behind his words than simply answering my question.
“Before what?” I questioned.
Almost at a whisper he answered, “Before you left.”
Feeling myself frown, I nodded.
Guilt swelled in my heart as I realized what I had done to him. Emerson was sweet, loving and kind. I had no business becoming friends with him in the first place. He couldn’t help himself but I could. Quietly eating my lunch, I decided this was the last time I would meet with him.
~
When we said our goodbyes, I hugged him, allowing myself to indulge in the feeling one last time. There was a time when it was the best feeling I knew. That was before. Now, it just made me sad. I didn’t want to be sad. I wanted to feel things that were within the realm of possibility. They had nothing to do with genuine emotions, they had everything to do with the ability to lose myself in a moment.
~
Shaking my head at the way Henley carefully hung clothes in the closet before counting and re-counting hangers, I sat outside his closet on the floor. Aside from my bad times, I didn’t mention my father. Even then, it was mostly heaving sobs of regret.
However, my parents had been on my mind so much lately, I felt like I needed to ask, “How did you know my father?”
Immediately stopping what he was doing, Henley turned to me and asked, “Did you ask Roberts the same question at lunch?”
Confused, I said, “No, how would he know?”
Narrowing his eyes at me, he replied, “Through my uncle.”
I nodded, asking, “Were ya’ll friends?” as I recalled the day I witnessed Henley call my father by his first name.
Stepping out of the closet, he sat down in front of me saying, “He helped me out a few times.” Then as if he missed my father, he continued, sharing, “He never treated me like.. Your father always treated me with respect. I respected him.”
“Did he approve of me and you?” I questioned.
With a slight smile, he informed, “Your father talked about you all the time,” before shaking his head and saying, “How disobedient you were,” then added, “I couldn’t stand you.”
“You didn’t even know me,” I said.
Nodding, he shared, “I saw you once, when his friend Charles died. I was waiting at the back for him and I watched you walk off with Mason Roberts. That was the most disrespectful thing I had ever seen.”
Swallowing hard, I questioned, “Why did you start asking me out then?”
His expression grew serious as he replied, “I had to.”
Glancing away at first, I gave a soft smile.
“I’m not going to have lunch with Emerson anymore,” I informed.
“I never told you, to stop,” he said with a strange look on his face.
Scooting closer, I moved onto his lap, wrapping my arms and legs around him.
“You shouldn’t have to,” I admitted before pressing my lips against his.
This was where I was meant to be. We were meant to be. Henley had no one. There was only me. Since I had met Henley, there was always someone else. Parents, friends, I had other people in my life. Now, finally letting go of everything in my life but him, he was all I needed. It took almost six years for me to completely surrender myself to him. And now I had.
Lw~H~
I grew more devoted to Henley every day. Coming to terms with the fact that I would never be able to make up for the way I was with my father, I gave my all to him. He consumed my entire life. There was not a moment in the day when Henley wasn’t a thought in my mind.
~
Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, I was relieved the huge bruise on my cheek was finally gone. I still had remnants around my wrist and on my side from that afternoon a few weeks ago and some new ones on my leg and shoulder from the previous night but as long as my face was clear, I could leave the house.
Stepping out of the bathroom, I looked at Henley sitting on the bed.
“Are you going somewhere?” he asked.
Nodding, I answered, “I am going to get some donuts.”
“Really?” he questioned like I was lying to him.
He was always cautious after things got out of hand.
Taking a deep breath, I nodded, saying, “Unless you want to.”
Softening his expression, he reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me onto the bed.
Rolling on top of me, he said, “I don’t think I have ever seen you eat donuts before.”
“Yeh, I never really liked ‘em but I was dreaming about eating them. I woke up starving,” I shared.
A wide smile spread across his face as he said, “I can’t have you starve. I’ll go get you some.”
“Cream filled,” I informed before he started kissed me.
Wrapping my legs around his waist, I almost forgot about my donuts until my stomach started to growl.
Loud enough for us both to hear it, he pulled back, saying, “I’ll be back.”
Kissing him a few more times before I let him go, I was all kinds of hungry now.
~
After Henley brought me my donuts, he had to run to his shop. I still wanted more than just food when he came back but staring at the box of a dozen cream filled donuts, I was sure there was enough to occupy me until he returned.
~
When Henley returned, I had fallen asleep on the couch. Feeling kisses trailing my neck, I slowly opened my eyes and sighed.
Making his own I want you sound, he lifted me off of the couch and carried me to the bathroom. After thoroughly brushing my teeth, I was ready for him.
~
Still full from the donuts and satisfied in every other way from Henley, I laid in bed while he took a shower.
Stepping to the bed after his shower, he leaned over me.
“Did you eat the whole box?” he asked.
Shaking my head, I replied, “I threw the box away.”
Cracking a smile, he said, “Was it empty?”
A little embarrassed, I actually ate twelve donuts in one sitting, I nodded, saying, “They were good.”
Henley laughed a little before he kissed me and said, “Do you need anything when I come back?”
Nodding, I replied, “I’m gonna need all sorts of things when you get back.”
“I won’t be long,” he assured.
~
I fell asleep again, but woke up suddenly feeling queasy. Eating a dozen donuts was clearly not the smartest thing I had ever done. The moment I stood up, I had to run to the bathroom. I almost didn’t make it. Resting my head against the side of the bathtub, I thought, ‘I will never eat another donut as long as I live’.
Lw~H~
Convinced I had food poisoning, I was sick for three days. On the fourth day, I finally stopped throwing up because I stopped eating all together. Small sips of water, was all I could tolerate. Knowing that wasn’t a good thing, I called the first doctor I found in the phone book and begged to be seen. Henley was at his shop when I made the call so I drove myself when the nurse said I could be seen if I showed up right away.
~
The nurse at the front was very polite as she handed me a form to fill out. She wasn’t as polite when I read the sentence ‘first day of last menstrual cycle’ and I threw up on her clip board. Even though I apologized several times, she gave me a dirty look when she shoved a cup at me and sent me to the bathroom.
~
Sitting on the examination table, I tried to think positive. Maybe I had the flu or was dying, anything would be better than the alternative.
Walking into the room, a tall middle aged woman with dark brown hair and eyes to match, closed the door behind herself.
“I am Dr. Brin, Rennillia,” she greeted.
Nodding, I offered, “Just Ren,” before asking, “Am I going to be alright?”
With a pleasant smile, she replied, “Yes. Everyone’s body reacts a little differently to pregnancy.”
“What?” I snapped at her, before blurting, “I’m not pregnant!”
Giving me a confused look she said, “Pardon me?”
Shaking my head, I insisted, “I can’t be.”
Giving me a compassionate smile, Dr. Brin said, “Let’s get your PAP out of the way and then we will talk.”
Nodding at her I thought, ‘why can’t I be dying?’
~
Dr. Brin’s examination was almost as bad as my first time with Henley. I tried to relax but I just couldn’t. When my examination was over, she stepped out so I could get dressed.
~
Rolling her chair in my direction, Dr. Brin placed her hands on her knees.
