“Sir, they could have sensors on that framework. Not to mention weapons.”
“You’re being paranoid, Sasha. What do they need weapons for? They’re hidden inside a remote asteroid field. The whole place looks deserted to me. We’ll just fly through one of the gaps in the….” He trailed off as we noticed what looked like hundreds of tiny insects darting about the framework.
“Are those…?” I asked.
“Spaceships,” Felzich said. “Hundreds of them.”
“Sir, I think we should reconsider this plan. We’ll never get past all those ships. If even one of them notices us, we’re dead.”
Rex nodded, realizing the planet was not as deserted as it first appeared. “Speaking of which, um…” Several of the ships nearest to us had altered their course and now appeared to be heading our way. I could make out lazecannons and torpedo batteries on the ones in front.
“Are those ships heading for—” I started.
“Evasive action, Sasha!” Rex shouted. “Get us out of here!”
“Aye, sir!” I flipped the Flagrante Delicto around and engaged the thrusters. We headed back toward the thick of the asteroid field, a half dozen Sp’ossel ships on our tail.
“I said lose them, Sasha!”
Our thrusters were at eighty percent, and the Sp’ossels continued to gain on us.
“Aye, sir. But I’m not confident in my ability to navigate the asteroids at high speed. We may have to choose whether we want to die by lazecannon blast or asteroid collision.”
“We have to jump,” said Felzich. “It’s the only way.”
“We’re heading into an asteroid field,” I replied. “I can’t rationalize a hypergeometric course while dodging asteroids at a thousand klicks a second. There’s no time.”
“I can do it,” Felzich said. “I’ve jumped out of here a hundred times. Just keep us alive for the next five minutes and I’ll have a course ready.”
The fastest I’d ever rationalized a hypergeometric course was fifteen minutes, and I’ve got a quantum neuralnet brain. But it wasn’t like we had a lot of other options. “All right,” I said. “I’ll see what I can do.”
We were nearly in range of the Sp’ossel ships’ lazecannons when we reentered the asteroid field. I pushed our speed as fast as I dared, and the pursuing ships fell behind. If I could just keep them at that distance while keeping us from faceplanting into a million tons of floating rock, we might just make it out of here alive. While Felzich scribbled furiously at a notepad, I tested the structural limits of the Flagrante Delicto and the vertigo tolerance of its occupants in an effort to keep us intact. After a dozen near-misses, Felzich announced he’d completed the calculations. Under normal circumstances, I’d never trust my safety to hurried calculations performed by a man I’d just met, but as the alternative was near-certain death, I acquiesced.
As we hurtled directly toward a gigantic asteroid, I punched in Felzich’s numbers and pressed the execute button. There was a sickening moment during which space seemed to flatten, driving us even closer to the asteroid. Then suddenly we were in empty space, with nothing but distant stars in all directions. I collapsed with relief in my chair.
And then I saw the Malarchian battleship approaching.
“Crew of the Flagrante Delicto,” I heard a familiar voice say over the comm. “This is Heinous Vlaak of the Malarchian vessel Carpathian Winter. You are wanted on charges of piracy. Prepare to be boarded.”
Chapter Twenty-four
Marines boarded the Flagrante Delicto and dragged Rex and me in front of Heinous Vlaak in his private interrogation chamber.
“You two were insufferable enough when you were small-time grifters,” Vlaak shrieked. “And now you’ve turned to piracy. Pathetic.”
“I told you before,” Rex said, “we’re not pirates.”
“Then I won’t find any cargo from the Raina Huebner on your ship?”
Rex thought for a moment. “Okay, yes, we’re pirates,” Rex admitted. “But you’ve got much bigger problems to worry about.”
“Bigger than interstellar piracy?” Vlaak asked. “There is no greater threat to the stability of the Malarchy than scurrilous privateers such as yourself!”
“I appreciate you saying so,” Rex replied, “but let’s be honest, Vlaak. Chasing pirates is a big step down for you. You used to be the Malarchian Primate’s right hand man, man!”
“Yes,” Vlaak hissed. “I was demoted after the debacle on the forest moon of Akdar, thanks to you. Reminding me of past insults is not helping your case, Nihilo.”
“This is what I’m saying,” Rex said. “I’ve found a way to get you back into the Primate’s good graces. What if I told you you’re in a position to put down a genuine threat to Malarchian rule?”
“Tread carefully, Nihilo. I am in no mood for your tricks.”
“No trick. Here’s the deal: the Sp’ossels have a secret mind control device hidden on a planet in the Cabrisi Asteroid Field, and we need your help to stop them.”
Heinous Vlaak sighed. “Is this really the best you can do? You’ve told some impressive lies in the past, Nihilo, but usually they at least have a veneer of believability.”
“I told you the truth about where Hookbeard was, didn’t I?”
“Only to fool me into checking every other bar before I got to the Event Horizon.”
“So it did work!” Rex cried.
“Mr. Vlaak,” I said, “I know it sounds ridiculous, but Rex is telling you the truth. The Sp’ossels aren’t who you think they are. They’re a nefarious conspiracy aimed at taking over the galaxy and, um, making everybody happy.”
“Throw them out the airlock,” Vlaak said.
“Wait!” Rex cried. “Get Ort Felzich. He’ll tell you!”
“Ort Felzich has been in cryosleep for eighty years.”
“We woke him up,” Rex said. “He’s on our ship. He’ll confirm everything we said.”
“Absurd,” Vlaak said.
“You can check it yourself,” Rex replied. “Felzich’s body was aboard the Raina Huebner, bound for a Malarchian research station. There must be records of it. Come on, Vlaak. What do you have to lose? Take five minutes to make a call to the Malarchian Science Ministry and verify what I’m telling you. If I’m lying, you can still throw us out the airlock. But if I’m telling the truth, you have an opportunity to prove yourself as a hero for the Malarchy.”
Vlaak thought for a moment. “Make the call,” he said to one of the marines. “Tell them Heinous Vlaak wants to know the current status of Ort Felzich.”
“Yes, sir,” said the marine. He disappeared, then returned a few minutes later. “Lord Vlaak, I spoke to the Minister of Science himself. Ort Felzich’s body was aboard the Raina Huebner. It is presumed to be in the hands of pirates.”
Vlaak still seemed suspicious.
“Your Lordship,” said one of the marines, “there is a man on their ship who looks a bit like pictures of Ort Felzich I’ve seen.”
Vlaak studied Rex for some time, then turned to the marine. “Go get him.”
“Yes, sir.” The marine disappeared. A few minutes later he returned with Ort Felzich in handcuffs.
“All right,” said Vlaak, addressing Felzich. “What’s this all about? Are you really Ort Felzich? Is there any truth to these claims about a mind control device?”
“Slacks,” said Felzich. He turned around and began walking back the way he’d come.
“Stop that man!” Vlaak screeched. Several of the marines drew their guns.
“Wait!” Rex yelled. “He doesn’t know what he’s doing! His mind is in a briefcase!”
“His mind is what?” asked Vlaak.
Felzich had reached the door and was now pounding his head against it, still muttering “slacks.”
“It’s in a briefcase back on the Flagrante Delicto,” Rex said. “If he’s not holding it, he just wanders around saying ‘slacks.’”
“I tire of these games,” Vlaak said. “This man isn’t Ort Felzich. He�
�s a blithering moron. Throw them all out the airlock.”
“Wait!” cried Rex again. “Tell him, Sasha!”
“Lord Vlaak,” I said, “my programming does not permit me to lie. Rex is telling the truth. Ort Felzich’s mind is on the Flagrante Delicto.”
Vlaak gave an exasperated sigh and dispatched a marine to get the briefcase. The marine returned and handed it to Felzich’s body.
“Thanks,” Felzich said. He turned to Heinous Vlaak. “Greetings, Your Lordship. I take it Rex and Sasha have explained the Sp’ossel threat?”
Vlaak was momentarily taken aback by Felzich’s sudden coherence. “They’ve told me a preposterous story about a mind control device on a secret planet,” he said after a moment. “You’re the only reason I’m still listening. If you’re so concerned, why don’t you just call them off? Aren’t you the leader of the Sp’ossels?”
“Not for eighty years, Your Lordship. I’m afraid the Sp’ossels and I are on the outs. They recently tried to kill me.”
“So you created this organization to take over the galaxy and now you expect the Malarchy to clean up your mess.”
“I don’t have any expectations one way or another,” Felzich said, “but if the Malarchy wants to retain dominion over the galaxy in any meaningful sense, it’s going to have to deal with the Sp’ossels.”
“I’ll refer the matter to my superiors for further investigation. Meanwhile, the lot of you will be executed for piracy.”
“There’s no time for that,” Rex said. “We just visited the secret planet. The construction of the device is complete. They could activate it at any moment!”
“And you’re telling me this out of the goodness of your hearts?”
“Well, no,” Rex admitted. “To be honest, we were going to let them get away with it. We were only there to steal some zontonium.”
“Zontonium?” Vlaak asked. “What are you talking about?”
“Oh, didn’t I mention the entire planet is made of zontonium?”
Vlaak turned to Felzich. “Planet Z is real? You found it?”
“I did,” said Felzich. “And the Sp’ossels found it too.”
Vlaak paced back and forth across the chamber. “It was long believed that the zontonium planet was only a legend. If Planet Z actually exists, that amount of zontonium is a matter of strategic importance to the Malarchy.”
“And don’t forget the mind control part,” Rex said.
Vlaak nodded slowly. “I will send a reconnaissance ship to verify what you have said.”
“A reconnaissance ship?” Rex exclaimed. “You need to send your whole damned fleet! If you send one ship, they’ll know you’re coming!”
“There is only one way,” Heinous Vlaak said. “We must assess the threat in Our Moment of Victory!”
Puzzled silence followed.
“My personal ship, Our Moment of Victory, is equipped with stealth technology,” Vlaak explained. “We can get in, assess the threat, and get out.”
“’We?’” Rex asked.
“You’re coming with me,” Vlaak said. “If this is a trap, you three are going to die with me.”
Chapter Twenty-five
Our Moment of Victory was smaller but much more sleek and luxurious than the Flagrante Delicto. Felzich directed Heinous Vlaak as he navigated the ship through the asteroid field. Rex and I sat behind them. We’d left Pepper, Boggs and Donny on the Flagrante Delicto, docked with the Carpathian Winter.
“So it’s true,” Vlaak said as the ship nosed out of the asteroid field. The huge iridescent blue sphere hung in space in front of us. “A planet of pure zontonium. But where are the ships you spoke of?”
Peering over Felzich’s shoulder at the magnified display, I saw why Vlaak was puzzled: the hundreds of ships we had seen buzzing around the framework were gone.
“They’ve docked,” said Felzich. “Look.”
Looking closer, I could see that Felzich was right. The ships were still there, but most of them had found a berth on the framework on which to park.
“That’s bad news,” Felzich said. “Construction is complete. They’re parking all their ships before activating the happiness transmitter.”
“How long do we have?” I asked.
“Hours,” said Felzich. “Maybe minutes.”
“And you claim this transmitter’s signal can reach the entire galaxy?” Vlaak said.
“The science is sound,” Felzich said. “I designed it myself.”
“Rex and I saw it first-hand,” I said. “They mind-controlled a whole planet with a chunk of zontonium that could fit inside this cabin. Planet Z contains a hundred trillion times as much.”
“Even so,” Vlaak said, “it will take time for the signal to reach the whole galaxy, will it not? Even light takes 100,000 years to get across the galaxy.”
Felzich shook his head. “Psionic waves are not constrained by the laws of conventional physics. The effect will be instantaneous across the galaxy. The second they flip the switch, it’s done. Everybody in the galaxy will be irrationally happy, including us. The only good news is that we won’t mind.”
“This is outrageous!” Vlaak growled, shaking his fist in the air. “Only the Malarchian Primate has the right to decide who gets to be happy!”
“You have the power to stop them,” Rex said. “A few Sp’ossel ships with lazecannons are no match for the Malarchian fleet. Blow that transmitter to smithereens.”
“It’ll be tricky to get destroyers through the asteroids,” Felzich said. “In any case, there’s no time. By the time the fleet gets here, the Sp’ossels will have activated the transmitter. I’m afraid it’s game over, folks.”
“Not necessarily,” Rex said. “The fleet could jump in.”
“We’re in the middle of an asteroid field,” Felzich said. “It would be suicidal to jump here. Why do you think I have my mind in a briefcase?” He held up the metal case, giving it an affectionate pat.
“We jumped out,” Rex said. “Why can’t they jump in?”
“That was a life-or-death situation,” I said. “And jumping out of an asteroid field is far less dangerous than jumping into one. The margin of error with rationalized hypergeometry is so large that unless you have a huge swath of unoccupied space at your destination coordinates—”
“Okay, look,” Rex said. “Some of the ships probably aren’t going to make it. I’m just saying, you want to get a fleet of ships here in a hurry, there’s a way to do it. Most of them, anyway.”
Felzich nodded. “It’s a little crazy, but it may be the only option. There’s definitely no time to get all those ships through the asteroid field. And they’ll see you coming. At least if you jump in, you have a chance to surprise them.”
“You’re asking me to tell the Malarchian fleet to jump here, knowing that many of the ships will be destroyed almost immediately.”
“The alternative is a galaxy where everyone is happy all the time,” said Rex.
“Unacceptable!” Vlaak shrieked.
“Then you know what you have to do.”
“Curse you for putting me in this position, Felzich!”
“If it weren’t for Felzich,” Rex said, “you wouldn’t even know about it. And now you have a chance to be a hero. The Primate will know you saved the galaxy from the Sp’ossel menace. You’ll never have to chase pirates again.”
Vlaak thought for some time. “I will make the request,” he said.
Less than an hour later, the sky all around us lit up with explosions as the Malarchian ships started jumping in. I’m no fan of the Malarchy, but it was hard to watch. It was like they were aiming for the asteroids.
“Look at those idiots,” Rex said, apparently forgetting momentarily both that Heinous Vlaak was on board and that this attack plan was Rex’s idea.
Vlaak watched silently, his hands clenched at his sides. Vlaak had only been able to summon one wing of the fleet, but he was already responsible for the destruction of half of it, and he hadn’t even star
ted fighting yet. The only thing he had going for him was that the spectacle had to be terrifying to the Sp’ossels, who found themselves suddenly surrounded by explosions.
When the explosions stopped, the Malarchy had something like thirty ships left out of a hundred. Several of the remaining ships were stranded deep within the asteroid field, and the rest were oriented in random directions, anywhere from a hundred to a hundred thousand klicks from the surface of the Sp’ossel planet. There had been no time to devise anything like a coherent attack plan, so Vlaak had simply ordered the ships to navigate within range of the transmitter and start shooting. I watched as the ships slowly maneuvered into position and opened fire.
Three problems with this strategy quickly became apparent. The first was the energy shield around the transmitter framework that rendered lazecannons completely ineffective. The second was the flak cannons that also rendered torpedoes ineffective. The third was the torpedo batteries that almost immediately incapacitated another dozen Malarchian ships.
In sum, it seemed the Sp’ossels were more prepared for an attack than we’d anticipated. Even if the entire wing had survived the trip, it would have had a tough time doing any serious damage to the transmitter framework. Making matters worse, several dozen small attack ships had launched from their berths and were now strafing the remaining Malarchian ships. Only Vlaak’s ship, the Carpathian Winter, which had materialized a few klicks in front of us, remained unscathed.
“This is a disaster!” Vlaak shrieked. “You’ve ruined me!”
“It does appear that I underestimated the challenge,” Rex said. “That framework isn’t as flimsy as it looks.”
“It’s indestructible!” Vlaak cried. “We’ll never break through that thing!”
“Hmm,” said Ort Felzich.
“What?” said Vlaak. “You have an idea? Now would be a good time to mention it.”
A Malarchian frigate, struck by a torpedo, exploded in front of us.
Felzich said, “If we can keep those attack ships occupied, a small, fast moving ship might be able to get past those torpedo batteries,” Felzich said. “If the Sp’ossels followed the original plans, there’s a control tower that should be easy enough to locate. Take out that control tower and they can’t activate the transmitter.”
Aye, Robot (A Rex Nihilo Adventure) (Starship Grifters Book 2) Page 16
