“Sir!” I yelled. “Where are you going?”
“Try to catch me, Sasha!” Rex squealed in delight. “Isn’t this just the most fun you’ve ever had?”
“We’re all going to die,” Squawky cried.
“Go after him, Donny!” I yelled. We ran across the jagged surface after Rex. After a hundred meters or so, he suddenly stopped. He turned to face us, a puzzled expression on his face.
“Sasha,” he said, “did you say something about the planet exploding?”
“Yes, sir,” I said. “How do you feel about that?”
“How do I feel about it? What is wrong with you, Sasha? We need to get to the Flagrante Delicto!” Evidently he had reached the edge of the psionic field and was back in control of his senses. He began running back toward the ship and a rapturous look came over his face again. “Try to catch me, Sasha!” he yelled. “Woooooooo!”
We ran after him, but instead of climbing the ramp, he ran past the ship and kept going. We tried to keep up, but he outpaced us. Fifty meters or so on the other side of the Flagrante Delicto, he suddenly stopped again. “Sasha!” He shouted. “Get to the ship! This planet’s going to explode!” He started running toward the ship again, but veered away as we approached. “Fooled you!” He yelled. “Try to catch me! Woooooooo!”
“This is hopeless, Donny,” I said. “We’ll never catch him. We just have to hope that Ort Felzich—”
Before I could finish, a huge explosion erupted at the base of the tower, knocking me and the others to the ground. For a split-second, I thought Ort Felzich had triggered the self-destruct—but if he had, we’d all have been blown to atoms.
“Sasha, what’s happening?” Boggs called. The others, slowly getting to their feet, seemed equally confused. Rex stood a few paces away, looking bewildered. The spell had been broken. The base of the tower had been annihilated. As I watched, the massive crystal protruding from the local transmitter tower became dislodged from its housing and crashed to the ground.
I heard the roar of rockets and turned to see a ship landing. It was Hookbeard’s vessel, the Coccydynia. It wasn’t the self-destruct that had taken out the tower; it was a torpedo. The battle up above must have terminated, or Hookbeard’s huge ship would never have gotten through. And for whatever reason, Hookbeard’s crew had torpedoed the control tower, killing Ort Felzich, shutting down the transmitter and obliterating any possibility of us preventing the planet from blowing up. If what Felzich had told us was correct, the zontonium chain reaction was now unstoppable.
“To the Flagrante Delicto!” I heard Rex yell.
We ran to the ship and got on board. I strapped myself into the pilot’s chair and started the launch sequence. I was greeted by a flashing light that read:
INSUFFICIENT FUEL TO LAUNCH
“No,” I said. “No, no, no.” I slumped forward, letting my head rest on the control panel.
“What is it, Sasha?” Rex asked, coming up next to me.
“No fuel,” I said. “We’re sitting on a trillion tons of zontonium, and we’re out of fuel. We burned it all up with that insane reentry. We’re going to die of irony.”
“Can we go dig up some fuel?”
I shook my head. “Unrefined zontonium will overload the reactor. Our ship will explode.” Much in the same way that the planet was going to explode.
“Hmm,” said Rex, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “Only one thing to do.”
“Die in a big explosion?”
“This way, Sasha,” Rex said. He made his way through the main cabin and opened the hatch.
“What is happening?” Heinous Vlaak demanded as we passed. “Why aren’t we leaving?”
“Minor delay,” Rex said. “Be right back.” I followed him down the ramp.
Hookbeard and four pirates, armed with lazepistols, had left the Coccydynia and were approaching the Flagrante Delicto.
“Stop right there!” Hookbeard growled.
Rex and I stopped and put our hands in the air.
Hookbeard grinned. “Thought you were so smart, getting the Sp’ossels and the Malarchy to fight so you could steal this planet out from underneath them. But I’m smarter, Malgastar. This planet is mine now!”
“Okay,” Rex said.
Confusion came over Hookbeard’s face. “What do you mean, ‘okay’?”
“I mean the planet is all yours. It’s going to blow up in… Sasha?”
“Six minutes and nineteen seconds,” I said. I had synched an internal timer with the self-destruct countdown.
“It’s going to blow up in six minutes and nineteen seconds anyway,” Rex said. “So it’s all yours. Enjoy it while you can. Oh, by the way, I’m not Rubric Malgastar. My name is Rex Nihilo.”
“Nice try, Malgastar,” Hookbeard said. “Planets don’t blow up.”
“They do if they’re made of zontonium,” Rex said. “The Sp’ossels activated a self-destruct mechanism.”
“If that’s true, why haven’t you left?”
“We’re out of fuel. I just came out here to see if I could borrow some.”
Hookbeard shook his head. “I’m on to you, Malgastar. This is just another ruse. You’re trying to trick me into leaving this planet so you can claim it for yourself. I’m not falling for it.”
Rex sighed. “All right, you got me. It was all a ruse. I guess we’re going to have to do this the hard way. Hookbeard, Planet Z is mine. I’m going to need you and your crew to leave immediately.”
“Are you mad?” Hookbeard said. “We’ve got all the guns. We blasted the Sp’ossels, conquering this planet fair and square. And you’re trespassing.”
“Technically,” Rex said, “you’re trespassing. The Intergalactic Conquest Accords of 2837 specify that in the case of an epic space battle ending in a draw, the first non-combatant to land on the contested planet can claim ownership.”
“You’re making that up,” said Hookbeard.
“Nope. It’s called the Default Dominion Rule. It was reaffirmed by the Malarchian Supreme Court in 2983 and again in 2997. The latter case was particularly interesting, because the race claiming dominion over Alacron Four was a single-celled gelatinous fungus which lacked the ability to communicate except by means of arranging itself in vast geometric configurations on the surface of the planet. The problem was—”
“Sir,” I interjected, “I don’t think we have time for this. The planet is—”
“Quiet, Sasha!” Rex snapped. “As I was saying, the frequent volcanic eruptions on Alacron Four tended to disrupt the fungus’s attempts to communicate, such as when a motion for a continuance was misinterpreted as an order for sixteen metric tons of Kung Pao Chicken. As you can imagine, the court grew impatient with the fungus and would probably have ordered it exterminated if it weren’t for the timely intervention of the wasp-like Psaptarians, who had developed a symbiotic relationship with the fungus wherein—”
“Okay, I get it!” growled Hookbeard. “Legally, it’s your planet. But none of this matters. I’m kicking you off the planet and taking it for myself. It’s the law of conquest.”
“I see,” said Rex, with a deep frown. “Well, that changes everything. If you are claiming this planet by right of conquest, then I’ll just need to sign your PRF-128 and we can get out of your hair.”
“PRF-128?”
“Planetary release form,” Rex said.
Hookbeard stared at him blankly.
“You do have a PRF-128, right?”
“Where would I get one of those?” Hookbeard asked.
A puzzled look came over Rex’s face. “They should have given you a whole stack when you registered as an Interstellar Governing Authority with the Malarchian Registry of Planets.”
Hookbeard continued to stare.
“Please tell me you’ve registered with the MRP as an IGA,” Rex said.
“I was going to,” Hookbeard blustered. “But I, uh, got busy with pirate stuff.”
Rex groaned. “If you’re not an IGA, the legalities
of this are going to be a nightmare.”
Hookbeard shrugged. “Seems simple enough to me. You get off my planet—or I kill you, your choice. Then I register as that thing you said, and I’m all set.”
“That would work,” said Rex, “except that I’ve already transmitted my PAF-67b to the MRP. If you register as an IGA after my PAF-67b is processed, they’ll red-flag it and throw Planet Z into escrow for the next twenty years.”
“I don’t understand what any of that means.”
“It means that for the foreseeable future, Planet Z will be de facto Malarchian property. They’ll mine it and flood the galaxy with zontonium for twenty years before you ever make a cent.”
“They can’t do that!” Hookbeard roared. “I conquered this planet fair and square!”
“Well,” Rex said. “There is one thing that might work.”
“What?” Hookbeard asked, a tone of desperation in his voice.
“I could try to amend my PAF-67b. I’d have to get on our ship, jump out of the asteroid field, and transmit a PAF-67b that lists us as co-owners. Then we’d each own fifty percent of Planet Z.”
“Fifty percent?” said Hookbeard. “This planet is mine!”
Rex shrugged. “You can kill me and take your chances if you want. But don’t expect to get any zontonium out of this planet for the next twenty years. You’re better off with half a planet than nothing.”
“You’re blackmailing me,” Hookbeard said.
“This is just a friendly negotiation,” Rex replied. “I want to live. You want ownership of the planet. Let’s make a deal.”
“How do I know you’ll actually transmit the…”
“Amended PAF-67b? Well, if I don’t, you’ve got several witnesses who can testify that I negotiated in bad faith. In short, if either of us tries to screw the other out of his share, the courts will most likely toss Planet Z into escrow. If we don’t cross all our T’s here, we both lose. They’ll steal the planet out from underneath us and plunder it for all it’s worth. The best option for both of us is for me to leave, transmit the amended PAF-67b, and split ownership of the planet.”
“So we have to share the planet? Forever?”
“Only until one of us dies,” said Rex. “For example, let’s say that after I transmit the amended PAF-67b, I return to gaze upon my newly acquired planet and some terrible accident immediately befalls me. Perhaps, and I’m just spitballing here, I am accidentally shot in the face by a pirate’s lazegun. Upon my death, Space forbid, ownership of the entire planet would fall to you.”
Hookbeard nodded slowly, seeming pleased by this development. “Okay,” he said after some time, “but you leave your crew here as a guarantee you’ll follow through. If you don’t transmit the amended form, I execute them.”
Rex shrugged. “Fine with me,” he said, “but you should know that if I leave any member of my crew here, I’m in a better position to claim total ownership of the planet. We got here first, and I’ll be able to claim I’ve maintained an uninterrupted presence on the planet. Not that I would try to screw you out of your half, obviously. I just thought I should tell you, in the interest of full disclosure.”
“Full disclosure,” Hookbeard repeated.
“That’s right,” Rex said. “Any crew member I leave here just increases the risk you’ll lose the planet. Just thought you deserved to know.”
Hookbeard stared at him for several seconds. “Go,” he said at last. “Take your crew with you. All of them.”
“If you insist,” Rex replied. “Oh, and one other thing: we’re out of fuel. Would it be okay if we grabbed some zontonium on the way out?”
“How much?”
“No more than my crew can carry,” Rex said.
“Fine,” Hookbeard said, clearly exhausted by the exchange. “Get the zontonium and go.”
“Great!” Rex exclaimed. He turned to face the Flagrante Delicto, whose hatch was still open. “Hey, Boggs!” he shouted. “Get out here!”
After a few seconds, Boggs stomped down the ramp. He stopped a few steps in front of Rex. “What is it, Potential Friend?”
“See that big rock over there, Boggs?” Rex asked, pointing to the giant crystal that had fallen from the transmitter. “You think you can pick it up and put it in the Flagrante Delicto?”
Boggs regarded the crystal. “You bet, Potential Friend.” He began walking to the stone.
“That’s the zontonium you’re taking?” Hookbeard asked.
“Sure,” Rex replied coolly. “The rest of it is unrefined. A little tough on the engines. You understand. Anyway, it’s just a speck out of the vast supply at our disposal. Take it out of my half.”
Hookbeard nodded.
“One minute, thirty-eight seconds, sir,” I said.
“Let’s go, Boggs!” Rex yelled.
Boggs had lifted the stone onto his shoulders and was staggering toward the Flagrante Delicto.
“One minute thirty-eight seconds for what?” Hookbeard asked.
“Ensign Boggs is on a very tight schedule,” Rex said. “If he doesn’t get his nap, he gets very cranky.”
Boggs stomped up the ramp. When he got to the top, he let the stone roll off his shoulders, landing with a thud inside the cabin of the Flagrante Delicto. Rex and I follow him up the ramp. “See you soon!” Rex shouted, giving Hookbeard and his crew a wave. We ducked inside the ship and closed the door.
“Sasha, can you cut a chunk off that rock to use as fuel?”
“I think so, sir.”
“Then get to it. Everybody else, strap in.”
I extended my cutting torch attachment and chopped off a tiny corner of the stone, the size of an apple slice. Then I moved to the rear of the ship, opening the engine compartment. I tossed the zontonium fragment into the fuel receptacle and slammed it shut. That amount of zontonium would be plenty to get us off the planet and out of the asteroid field. I ran to the cockpit and fired up the engines. As we lifted off the ground, my internal timer went off.
Several jagged, lightning-like streaks shot through the translucent ground and then went dark. A few seconds later, a glow appeared deep within the planet, and rapidly grew in intensity. I caught a glimpse of Hookbeard and his men, far below, running for their ship. Cracks began to appear in the surface, rapidly widening into yawning chasms. Massive chunks of zontonium ore crumbled into the chasms. The Coccydynia tumbled into one of these. I lost sight of the pirate crew as we soared higher into the atmosphere. I had to feel a little bad for them; we tried to warn them, but you could hardly blame them for assuming Rex was lying about the planet blowing up. On the other hand, they were pirates who would happily have killed us, so screw them.
“Sir,” I asked, “was any of that stuff you told Hookbeard true? About the forms and the Default Dominion Rule and Planet Z going into escrow?”
“Not a word,” said Rex.
There was another flash from deep inside the planet, followed by a deafening roar as the planet exploded, pushing the atmosphere outward. The shockwave propelled us even faster. Seconds later, everything went quiet as the Flagrante Delicto shot out of the atmosphere. Chunks of zontonium ore hurtled past us into space. If one of these projectiles hit us, we were dead. But we continued to gain momentum, and soon were outpacing all the debris. I reduced thrust to twenty percent so I’d have time to rationalize a jump course before we re-entered the asteroid field.
We’d escaped from Planet Z.
Chapter Twenty-eight
“Congrats, Vlaak,” Rex exclaimed, slapping Heinous Vlaak on the back. “You saved the galaxy!”
“My career is over,” Vlaak moaned. “I destroyed half the Malarchian fleet. Again.”
We had just jumped out of the asteroid field and we were now floating in space. As I was awaiting orders, I had returned from the cockpit to the main cabin. The mood among the crew was celebratory, with the exception of Vlaak, who wouldn’t stop moaning. It seemed that the battle between the Sp’ossels and the Malarchy really had been a d
raw. Every single ship on both sides had been destroyed. That meant Vlaak had absolutely nothing to show for his efforts. All evidence of the Sp’ossel threat had been destroyed.
“You don’t understand how hard it is for someone like me to find a job,” Vlaak said. “I have a very specific skillset. Do you know if any other interstellar tyrannies are hiring?”
“Forget about it, Vlaak,” Rex said. “When the Primate finds out what you did, you’ll be considered a hero.”
“I can’t show my face to the Primate! He’ll have me executed for treason!”
“Pull yourself together.”
“Why is this happening to me? All I ever wanted to do is be the best enforcer I could be for the Malarchy. But nothing ever works out for me. I don’t know why I bother.”
“For Space’s sake, Vlaak, quit whining. Sasha, rationalize a course for Malarchium.”
“I’m not sure that’s wise, sir.” Malarchium was the galactic capital. Rex and I had never been there, as far as I could remember. It wasn’t a particularly good place for criminals to be.
“I agree with the robot,” Vlaak said. “I need to stay as far away from the Malarchy as possible. Perhaps I will become a scofflaw like you two. How do you like piracy so far? What’s the dental plan like?”
“You’re not cut out to be a pirate, Vlaak,” Rex said. “Trust me, I’ve got it all figured out.”
“Why would I trust you?”
“Look, we’re flying into the Malarchian capital. If they execute you, what do you think they’re going to do to me and Sasha?”
“This isn’t helping, sir,” I said.
“My point is that if Vlaak is out of a job, he’s in no position to protect us. Obviously I wouldn’t land on a planet where everyone wants to kill me without some kind of plan.”
I wasn’t so sure about that, but Vlaak seemed somewhat mollified. “Why would you help me?” he asked. “What’s in it for you?”
“A very small favor,” Rex said with a smile. “Sasha, get us to Malarchium.”
We landed at the Malarchian Primate’s private spaceport, just a few klicks from the palace. Heinous Vlaak, at Rex’s prompting, had secured permission to land from the Primate himself. The fact that we had not been shot out of the sky presumably meant that the Primate wanted to at least hear Vlaak’s account of the debacle on Planet Z before executing him.
Aye, Robot (A Rex Nihilo Adventure) (Starship Grifters Book 2) Page 18
