by Joyce, T. S.
And part of her knew in this moment, she would never be the same. She could never go back. She could see the man he was, and she was in this. She had made her choice, and fuck contracts. She wanted this man without a single drop of ink on a page.
She wasn’t a breeder anymore.
Simply…she was Colt’s.
And from the way he looked up at her like she was sanctuary for his ruined soul, she knew it to be true. He was hers, too.
Chapter Ten
Fuck.
Colt squeezed his old work gloves so hard the leather creaked in his chokehold. It was dawn on the ranch, Karis was still sound asleep in bed, and he’d been up half the damn night watching her, thinking about what she’d said in the barn the other day.
He couldn’t do this.
He turned and stomped his way back through the corral that held Ava’s white geriatric horse.
Karis had said he should talk to Trigger about what had happened five years ago, the night the bear was forged from Hell, but he would rather gnaw off his own arm.
Be the Colt I know.
Full of unexplainable fury, he threw his gloves at the gate and tipped his head back and yelled as loud and long as he could. This was proof he was going to fuck this up with Karis. Oh, his body could protect her. He was made to murder on her behalf, on the Clan’s behalf, but he was hideous on the inside. And the outside.
“Shit,” he whispered as he rested his arms on the cold metal of the gate and stared at the tree line. She didn’t understand the strength it took to look in the mirror every single day and remember that night he died.
How many mirrors had he punched and shattered. How many times had he glanced at his ruined cheek and then looked away in disgust? How many nights had he laid awake, remembering the exact way his best friend’s teeth felt grinding against his bones? This wasn’t getting better with Karis here like he’d thought. He still woke up beside her in cold sweats. He still snuck out and Changed because he couldn’t help himself. He was still in a war between being a good man and letting the devil have him completely. He couldn’t lose this fight anymore. Not with Karis here, wantin’ a baby from him. He wanted that, too. Wanted to see her belly grow. Wanted to have that extra motivation to take care of his family. Fuck contracts. Fuck being a breeder. Karis was his girl. His mate. And someday, if she didn’t realize what a disaster he was on the inside, the mother of his cubs.
What right did he have to be her man if he didn’t even work on himself when she asked him to? What right did he have to bring a cub into this world when his improvement had come to a standstill? He’d never seen himself as a quitter, but in this moment, he knew what he’d done. He’d quit.
Colt ran his hand down his jaw and forced himself to turn around. And then he forced his boots one step at a time toward that barn where Trig had disappeared.
Inside, his Alpha was brushing out Harley. That bastard stallion was tied to both sides of the stalls to keep him from being able to rear back and bite. Norman was near the door, nosing a bale of hay. He probably smelled Ava. She liked to sit there and read books about ranching while all wrapped up in an old blanket.
“I thought we were going to town,” Trig said with a quick glance up from the long brush strokes he was making down Harley’s back. “You look like shit, and I’m pretty sure you have cow crap on your knee. Karis ain’t gonna sit on your dick if you go like that.”
Colt spat on the dirt floor and rested his hands on his hips. He couldn’t control the growl in his throat, and he didn’t really want to right now. “Trigger?”
“Yup?”
“I hate you.” Colt dragged his gaze from the strands of straw at his feet to his Alpha.
Trigger had gone still, mid-stroke. His Adam’s apple dipped into his jacket and back up with a swallow.
“I hate you, and I love you,” Colt said, feeling shredded from the inside out. “You turned me into this…this…” His eyes were already burning, and he hated everything. Trig, himself, this goddamn ranch, his life, his fate. Everything. “You turned me into a version of me that I’d worked my whole life to avoid. You turned me into my dad. Your father was a good man. You had someone to look up to. To emulate. I didn’t have that. I looked at my dad, and the only tools he gave me to tackle life was a cut-and-clear road map on what not to do. Every decision I made up until five years ago was—what would my dad do? And I would do the opposite. And I was learning, I was training myself to be normal, and then you took all that progress away. And if it was an accident, I would’ve forgiven you. But do you remember what you said to me that night?”
Trig shook his head, his lips pursed and his eyes full. “I’ve tried to forget that night. I can’t call on those memories so easy anymore.”
“I remember because it’s burned into my brain. We were sitting in your dad’s cabin. Your cabin now. Your dad was asleep. We’d been drinking at the GutShot, still feelin’ pretty good, talkin’ like we used to about life. And right in the middle, you looked over at me, your eyes gold, and you admitted you didn’t have as much control anymore. That you never really had control of the bear, but it was worse lately because you were scared of being alone forever. And I got it. I was lonely, too. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you there to talk to. But then you told me, ‘Colt, you need to leave.’ And I thought you were talking about me leaving the house because you were going to sleep, but then you explained. ‘I want to Turn you into what I am. It’s all the bear thinks about lately, and the man in me sometimes thinks about it, too.’ I went to ask you what you meant, but your dad yelled out of his bedroom to shut the fuck up because we were chatterin’ like a couple of schoolgirls and he needed sleep, and we laughed as quiet as we could and then went to bed. I crashed on the floor in that old sleeping bag that smelled like moth balls so I wouldn’t have to drive home late, and you passed out on the couch.”
“Shit, Colt,” Trigger whispered raggedly. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
“You can and you will. I don’t want to fuckin’ do this either, but I’m here doin’ it, and you’re gonna listen. I heard you get up, watched you leave the cabin, stood up, and watched out the window as you Changed right in the yard. You doubled back, no hesitation, and you clawed at the door. I looked behind me, and your dad was standing in his bedroom doorway, eyes full of ghosts, and all he said was, ‘He won’t ever get better than this. He’ll go after the herd again tonight.’ I asked why he let you do that, and he said ‘Because he’s my son. What am I supposed to do? Change into the monster and go to war with my own blood?’ And as I watched him go back in his bedroom and shut the door softly, like he was already defeated, I got pissed. Pissed on his behalf because I was there, Trig. I was there watching him struggle to pay bills after auctions, and you were killin’ his livelihood, and he never made you feel bad for it. He loved you too much. But you’d asked me once to shoot your ass if you ever went after the herd, to protect your dad’s livestock. Right then, seeing the disappointment in your old man’s eyes, I was mad enough to pull a trigger on you. I got dressed and loaded a rifle in a minute flat, and I ran—ran—to the barn and got on Maverick bare-back just to save time. To save lives. And when I found you, you’d torn through your dad’s herd and were headed for old man Markle’s fence. Totally gone. I saw it in your eyes. You were just an animal on a blood bender. When I lifted that rifle on you and cocked it, you turned. You stopped and you turned and you gave me such an easy fuckin shot right between your eyes. I considered it. I did. I considered what you’d asked me. One single second, and I knew I could never kill you, so I pulled my aim to your back end and I pulled that trigger on my best friend. It wasn’t even the first time I did it, but it was the worst time. Because the first two times, you used that pain to pull yourself out of the bear, and you came back. You Changed back. But this time, I could see you come back in your eyes, but you didn’t Change back. You stayed a bear, with that human intelligence in your eyes that said you knew exactly what you were doing
when you came for me. You ran me down, and I’ve never been so scared in my life. I knew I was dead the second you came after me. You killed my damn horse just to get to me. It hurt so bad hitting the ground, my leg pinned under Maverick. And there was this moment when I could see you, Trigger, in that grizzly’s eyes, and there wasn’t a doubt you were there and could stop this…but you didn’t. You killed the man I could’ve been and replaced him with a monster. I died, Trigger. It was slow after you were done mauling me. I could hear you pacing close by. Feel you. I couldn’t talk or I would’ve begged you to end it. God, it hurt so bad.”
“Colt, stop,” Trig pleaded in a whisper. His gold eyes were rimmed with tears, but fuck it. They were this far. Colt was going to finish it.
He wiped his gloves over his damp cheeks and gritted out, “I was looking at those stars and I wasn’t thinking how beautiful to die lookin’ up at something bigger than me. I was thinking I’ll be there soon, up in those stars, and the only way I’ll be a part of Ava’s life is lookin’ down on her. And I hated you in that moment, and that hate never fully went away. I’ve tried to forgive you and stick with you, because what choice do I have, man? What choice? I’m the Warmaker. You’re the only one who can stop me when I go on my blood-benders, and oh, they will come again. I can feel it like a storm inside of me. I’ll lose control someday and, when I do, you fuckin’ owe me the same courtesy I did you. Shoot. Me.”
“I’m not going to shoot you.”
“If I ever pose a threat to the girl I love? To my cubs? You better fuckin’ shoot me. That’s your debt for what you done. And you can live with even more guilt. I don’t fuckin’ care.” Colt snarled up his lip and fought the urge to roar at Trigger as he watched a single tear slide down his best friend…his best enemy…his best friend…his best enemy’s face.
And fuck himself for crying, too. He turned and strode out of the barn, feeling even more poisoned for reliving the worst day of his life.
“Colt,” Trig said from behind him.
Colt walked faster. “Fuck off,” he muttered, wiping his cheeks again.
“Colt!”
“What?” Colton yelled, turning on him, ready to Change and bleed this asshole like he deserved.
But Trig shocked him into stillness when he yanked him to his chest and held onto him so tight he crushed his lungs. He was gripping on to his jacket to keep him in the hug.
Colt struggled, twisting back and forth, trying to break Trig’s hold on him. “Let me go!”
“I’m sorry.”
“Trig, let me go!”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Trig held on tighter. “You don’t have to be mad at me, man. You don’t. You can’t be madder at me than I am. You can’t hate me more than I hate me. You can’t punish me more than I punish myself. I’m sorry. I’ll always be sorry. You were and are the best friend a man could ask for, and I betrayed you. I’m so fuckin’ sorry.” His voice had gone thick with emotion.
Colt closed his eyes to the barn and just…broke. He broke. He hugged Trig back and clutched his jacket in his fists and he cried like a woman on his friend’s shoulder.
And then he said something he never thought he would say. His anger had driven him to get some control over the bear, but he couldn’t do that anymore and be the man he wanted to be for Karis. He had to be better. “I forgive you.”
Trig clapped him hard on the back a few times and then shoved him back at arm’s distance. “Really?”
“I have to. I can’t stay like this. I need to get us back to the way it used to be. You let me rampage for half a decade like your dad let you rampage. You let me drive your livelihood into the ground, and you didn’t give me shit. You let me deal with it how I wanted and just took all of the bad with the good. But that don’t work anymore. It’s time to save this place from all our sins. Can’t do that if we’re still devils. I forgive you. You forgive you, too. The scars ain’t so bad now that I found Karis.”
Trig released his jacket and shoved him back a few steps. There was a grin on his lips now. “She’s changin’ you, man, like your sister did for me. You and I are made of fire, and those girls are a cold wind. They soothe the flames, but they grow them when we need them bigger, too.”
Colt chuckled and sniffed, hooked his hands at his waist and blew out a frozen breath as he stared at the woods. “God, if your dad saw us right now he’d give us so much shit.”
Trig laughed and wiped his eyes, nodding. “Sooo much shit. He’d buy a box of tampons for us to share.”
Colt cracked up because, yep, his old man sure would.
“I’m gonna go back and finish Harley before he breaks those ropes.”
Sure enough, the booming sound of him kicking at one of the stalls echoed from the barn. “Your horse is the worst.”
“I like ’em mean,” Trig said, making his way to the barn.
“I still kind of hate you,” Colt called.
A chuckle sounded. “Hate you too, man.”
But Colt smiled because they both know what they really meant. And inside, something was changing. He felt lighter. He felt hopeful. Even if his bear was still a beast, it was time for him to accept it and look to the future, not let the past define him.
Shit happened. Trig had made a mistake one night that had a horrible snowball effect on Colton’s life, but it was just that—a mistake.
Colt had spent so much time fighting the animal, fighting Trig, and fighting his life, he’d forgotten how to just live for the moment. And now Karis was even more important because, over the last few days, she’d been teaching him how to be better. He didn’t have to think about what Dad would have done and do the opposite.
Karis rewarded him with smiles and kisses when he did well.
And the positive reinforcement from those smiles and sweet kisses were a better a way to shape his life than the lack of tools he’d gained in his youth.
Trig was wrong.
Karis wasn’t a cold wind soothing and feeding his fire.
She was the water that eased the pain.
Chapter Eleven
When a knock sounded on the cabin door, Karis laid the washrag she’d been using to wipe down the counters across the lip of the sink. “Coming!”
The afternoon sun reflected off the snow and nearly blinded her as she opened the door. Genie ran past her legs and into the house before she could react, but whatever. The squirrel hadn’t bit her, so there was that.
A growl rattled up her throat as she turned and stared at the squirrel, who glared back at her as she crapped on the counter Karis had just cleaned. If Genie was a grape, she would be the sourest one.
“Sometimes, I strongly dislike that animal,” Ava muttered from the porch.
“Same,” Karis gritted out.
“I have to go into town to get groceries for the boys to cook while they’re out on the trail. Do you want to come? Or do you need anything from the store?”
“You’re okay with me tagging along? I mean, you’ve already spent three days teaching me about the ranch. I figured you needed time off.”
Ava laughed and shook her head, her black curls brushing her cheeks with the movement. “Honestly, I was lonely before you came along. Well, really, I’ve been lonely my whole life. I didn’t let anyone close to me after Dad left. But since I’ve come back here, it’s like Trigger broke me.”
Karis pulled down the sleeves of her sweater and followed her out of the house toward Colt’s truck. “What do you mean?” she asked.
“I was a really tough girl before I came here, and now Trigger makes me feel things and want things, and he makes me reevaluate myself all the time and take stock of how I feel with every situation. And sometimes I think I would like a friend. You know? Like one outside of the guys.”
“A girlfriend,” Karis said.
Ava giggled. “Yes, apparently I’m not as anti-social as I wish I could be and I need a girlfriend. And seriously, now I get scared like Colt does.”
Karis opened
the driver’s side door. She’d been getting good at driving his truck around the ranch. “What do you mean?”
“I’ve never seen my brother scared over anything. And, oh my God, never tell him I talked to you about this. But he’s tough. You have probably figured that out. He’ll work the ranch until his hands are raw and bleeding and never complain and get up first thing the next day and do it all over. Time’s infinity. He’s a hard-worker, a good provider, and he’s focused on helping Trig. Well, if he doesn’t run this place into the ground killing the damn cows first. And he isn’t a complainer either. He’ll do his work quietly and joke in his off-time, but I’ve never seen him scared. Not until you came along. Now I can see it, and I recognize it because I feel the same. He’s scared to lose you and this life you’re building together, just like I’m scared to lose what I’m building. And it’s a big deal him being scared over anything. You’ll understand someday. You haven’t watched him in a brawl yet, but you will.”
“What’s it like?”
“Fearless. Reckless. Violent. He’s not the brother I left a decade ago. He’s different. Harder. Jail don’t scare him anymore, getting hurt don’t scare him…fights definitely don’t scare him.”
“Why not?”
“Because he wins them all. He and Trigger always do. They’re titans in a town of mice. But it’s eye-opening, too. He can be gentle and funny and sweet, and then he can be…”
“Monster.”
“Yes.”
Karis turned the key, and the engine roared to life. “Me, too.”
Ava turned the heater vents toward her. “I have a theory.”
“Lay it on me,” Karis dared her as she pulled out of Colt’s front yard.
“I think you’re a predator shifter. You don’t bother Trig and Colt too much, but Kurt won’t give you his back. Have you noticed?”
“I have,” Karis agreed with a nod. She was trying to contain her smile. Kurt had asked her three times over the last three days, “What the fuck are you?” But it was fun to keep him guessing.
