by Sykes, Julia
I didn’t know how much time had passed when a man in green scrubs appeared at the entrance to the waiting room. His expression was solemn. I wanted to rush towards him, but I froze on the spot. Sharon approached him slowly, dread etched in every line of her face. The doctor spoke to her softly, and her head bowed. He squeezed her shoulder, his eyes full of sympathy. Sharon turned to me, and I could see that her face was wet with tears. My chest tightened and I stopped breathing.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “He…” Her voice broke. “He didn’t make it.”
Someone caught me beneath my arms as my legs went out from under me. I was lowered into a chair, and I slumped forward, burying my face in my hands. Sobs wracked my entire body as the horrible reality came crashing down on me.
Clayton was dead. My only friend in the world was gone. And I knew who had taken him from me: Bradley.
“I’m so sorry, Dr. Ellers, but the man who shot Clayton escaped. We tried to track him down, but the need to help Clayton was more pressing.”
Sharon was regretfully giving me the bad news. It was the middle of the night, and I was exhausted. But I forced my mind to sharpness as I sat in the grey-walled interrogation room inside the FBI offices. They had told me that I could wait until the next day to come in, but I wanted to put what I knew on the official record while it was still fresh in my mind. I had recounted every detail of the attack, my voice hollow.
“I know who it was,” I insisted. “It was Bradley. Bradley Smith. I recognized his voice. You have to arrest him.”
Sharon looked at me sadly. “We will do what we can, but just recognizing his voice is too shaky to hold up in court. We’ll get a warrant to search his apartment for the weapon that killed Vaughn, but it’s likely that he’s disposed of it.”
“No,” I said staunchly. “Don’t tell me that it’s not enough. He’s going to pay for what he did. You know that he abducted me. You know that he assaulted me. And you know that he… He shot Clayton.” I couldn’t bring myself to say the word killed.
Sharon sighed. “We just don’t have the hard evidence to prove all of that,” she said, her tone laced with frustration. “We’ll get the warrant and see what more we can find on him. I swear to you that we’re doing everything we can to build a case against him. I just need you to be patient. We’ll tighten security on you. You’re going to stay at a safe house until we can bring him in.”
I scowled at her. “No. I refuse to let him force me into hiding. I’m not giving up my life for him.”
Sharon’s eyes narrowed. “You could lose your life if you leave yourself exposed like that. Don’t let Clayton’s sacrifice have been for nothing.”
She was as ruthless as Agent Vaughn.
“If I die, then maybe you’ll have your goddamn evidence,” I said accusatorily.
Sharon crossed her arms over her chest. “Don’t be stupid, Dr. Ellers. Go to the safe house.”
I shook my head vigorously. “I’m not giving in to Bradley. Maybe this will be motivation enough for the FBI to get their shit together and put him behind bars.”
Sharon threw up her arms in exasperation. “Fine!” She said harshly. “I can’t force you. But we’re keeping a security detail on you, and we’re going to monitor your every step.”
“I won’t let anyone else die for me,” I said angrily.
“I’m not negotiating on this. You’ll accept the security detail, or I’ll authorize it through Homeland Security given your association with the Westies.”
It was my turn to narrow my eyes. “I guess I don’t have a choice then,” I said through clenched teeth.
“No. You don’t,” she replied coolly.
I stood quickly. “I’m going home.”
“We’ll be right behind you.”
It was the first time I had left my house in three days. And I hated the reason for the end of my isolation. I was at Clayton’s funeral. One of his fellow FBI agents was giving the eulogy, but the words just rolled off my mind. This man must have been Clayton’s friend, but he was a stranger to me. I realized in that moment that I knew very little about Clayton’s life. We had always talked about me. My heart twisted as I realized that I would never have the opportunity to know him better. I regretted all of the minutes I had wasted talking about myself when I could have learned more about him. But I regretted even more that I would never be able to tell him how sorry I was that he had died for me. At times, I felt a hot surge of anger at him for taking the bullet for me. I should be the one being lowered into the ground. Clayton had so much life ahead of him. He was a good person. He could have done so much more. Whereas I was completely fucked up. I was already dead inside; I had been since the day that Sean realized my betrayal. And I had no family to leave behind, no one who would grieve for me. Clayton would have been sad, but he would have gotten over it. He was stable, strong. He would have been able to move on. But I was going to carry the guilt for his death for the rest of life.
I had glimpsed an older couple standing at the front of the crowd that was gathered around the graveside. I recognized the man’s angular jaw and the woman’s bright blue eyes. They were Clayton’s parents. The grief that I had felt at my parents’ passing had all but broken me, but I knew that what they were suffering was so much worse. No one should have to bury their child. I was only able to look at them for a moment; I couldn’t bear the sight of their devastation. Not when I was the reason that their son was dead.
People were slowly walking away from the grave. The service was over. I wanted to linger. If I left Clayton, then that meant that he really was gone. But then I saw his parents again, his mother leaning heavily on his father as she sobbed into his chest. I had to get out of there before they noticed me. Walking away from them on leaden legs, I blindly followed the winding path out of the graveyard. I had reached the wrought iron gates when someone called me from my reverie.
“Claudia.” His voice was soft, but I recognized it immediately. At first I felt bewilderment at his presence, but it was quickly overcome by a flood of white hot rage. I suddenly realized that I wasn’t the only one to blame for Clayton’s death. If I had never met Sean, then I never would have known Clayton, and he never would have died in order to protect me.
I ignored him, refusing to look his way as I strode past him. His large hand encircled my wrist, stopping me short. I hated the feeling of yearning that rose up within me at his touch.
“Wait,” he ordered.
I jerked against his grip. “Let me go,” I insisted. But my struggles were fruitless. His fingers gripped my chin, forcing me to look up at him. I glared into his gorgeous green eyes, a mixture of loathing and longing washing over me.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly.
“You’re sorry?” I hissed. “Fuck you, Sean. This is your fault.”
“Claudia, please,” he said desperately. “I have to talk to you. Please listen to me.”
“Get away from me!” I shrieked. I beat my fist against his chest repeatedly, trying to force him away from me. “I hate you! I hate you!” I was sobbing now. He took the blows, refusing to budge. His arms enfolded me, pulling me up against him in a fierce embrace.
“I know,” he said brokenly.
And then I was clinging to him, burying my face against his chest as my tears soaked his shirt. I might hate him, but he was all that I had.
Chapter 5
I allowed Sean to guide me to my car and drive me home. My mind was too much of a mess for me to even begin formulating the words to protest. I was devastated at what had happened to Clayton. And I was brimming full of so much anger and hate. It was directed at myself for being alive, at Clayton for having sacrificed himself for me, at Sean for being a part of the violent world that had claimed the life of my only friend. But the more that I focused on my fury, the more it became directed at one person: Bradley. He had fired the shot that had taken Clayton’s life, the shot that had stolen him from me. Furthermore, he was the one who had chosen to abduct me, no
t Sean. It was his fault that Clayton had become involved in my life in the first place. If Bradley hadn’t taken me on that night, then I would still be living my controlled, pain-free life. There had been times when I thought that, despite the pain, I was better now for having known Sean and Clayton and learning what it was to really be alive. But I would have traded all of that if it meant that Clayton would still be alive now; I would rather be dead inside than have him dead in the ground.
I had told myself that I died inside again on the day that Sean left me, but that wasn’t true. I still hurt. Surely someone with nothing inside should be immune to pain?
Yes, if Bradley had never abducted me, then Clayton would be alive. But a horrible thought struck me: if I hadn’t been there to save Sean that night, then he would be dead now. And I would never even know it, would never have even known him. Would some part of my soul have felt a distant sense of loss when his soul left the world, even if he was a stranger to me? The cold, logical side of me told me that if we were weighing the two men’s worthiness by their deeds, then Clayton most certainly deserved to be the one who was living now. But I had learned the painful lesson that the world wasn’t that black-and-white. Sean might lead a life of crime, but he was every bit as good as Clayton was.
My mind spun with these cyclical thoughts as the world passed by the car window in a blur. Sean allowed me to cry silently as he drove. Before I knew it, we were pulling up outside my house. I didn’t move when he got out of the car and came around to open my door. He unbuckled my seatbelt for me and took me by the hand, tugging insistently.
“Come on,” he said gently. “We need to get you inside. You’re not safe out here.”
The only movement I could manage was a jerky shake of my head to show my refusal. My whole body was numb, and I knew that my legs wouldn’t support me. Sean eyed me warily.
“I’m taking you inside,” he informed me. “Don’t fight me.”
With that, his arms closed around me and he lifted me up, carrying me. He was careful to grip me so that my arms were pinned to my sides. I supposed he was worried that I might try to claw his eyes out if he touched me, and I couldn’t deny that the thought crossed my mind. But most of my anger at him had been redirected towards Bradley as I sorted things out in my mind, so I compliantly allowed him to cradle my body against his. As we progressed up the walkway, my eyes fell on the spot where Clayton had lain as his life slipped away between my fingers. There was no evidence that my only friend had bled out there, had given his own life to save mine. I shuddered and turned my face into Sean’s chest, trying to block out the bloody memories.
Sean somehow managed to maintain his hold on me while fishing my keys from my purse and unlocking the front door. My security system blared to life, and he positioned me so that I could disarm it. Once it was off and the door was locked behind us, he headed straight for the stairs and into my bedroom. He didn’t release me as he settled me down on the bed, instead moving my body so that I was draped across his lap, my head still leaning against his chest as he sat back against the headboard. His fingers gently stroked my hair as he held me, allowing me to cry for long minutes. My mind was still whirring in double-time, but I was getting a headache from pondering which was the worse fate: Clayton dead at Bradley’s hands or Sean dead without my knowledge? The thought of a world without Sean in it was just so profoundly wrong.
Growing weary of the questions that had no answers that were swirling in my mind, I forced myself to contemplate my current situation instead. What did it mean that Sean was here with me now? I had thought that he would never want to see me again, but here he was, comforting me. And despite the tumultuous emotions that I felt towards him, I couldn’t deny that the feeling of him holding me was impossibly sweeter than I remembered.
But how was it that he was even here? He was supposed to be in prison. Clayton had said that they had remanded him without bail. Had he escaped somehow? No, that couldn’t possibly the case. That graveyard had been flooded with FBI agents, and I still had a security detail following me everywhere. They should have taken Sean into custody on sight.
I shifted in Sean’s grip so that I could look up at him. The lines of his handsome face were strained, his eyes full of concern and trepidation.
“How…” My voice was a croak. I forced it to be steady. “How are you here?”
“I told you that I need to talk to you, Claudia. There are things that I need to explain.” He took a deep breath and plowed on. “When I found out what you had done, that you had been spying on me for the FBI, it tore me apart. The way that I treated you that day… It was inexcusable. You begged me to let you explain, told me that you were just trying to help me. But I didn’t listen.” He was studying my face carefully as he spoke, his eyes imploring. I listened with bated breath, needing to hear that he forgave me. Was that possible? The way that he was looking at me now made me dare to hope that it was.
“Then they arrested me,” he continued. “I kept my silence for a while, but then Agent Vaughn talked to me. He told me everything that you had done for me, how you were trying to keep me out of prison in exchange for your testimony. I realized then that you weren’t betraying me; you were trying to free me. And I can’t tell you how grateful I am for that. I thought that I was trapped, that I would never find a way out. But you gave that to me, Claudia.” His fingers traced the line of my jaw as he looked down at me, his eyes shining with wonder.
Shame flooded me. “But they arrested you, Sean. I was reckless and selfish. I broke my deal with the FBI so that I could kill Ronan, and without my testimony to protect you they put you in jail.” It was my turn to look at him beseechingly. “You have to know that I never wanted that. I wasn’t thinking straight. I never imagined that they -”
Sean pressed his index finger to my lips, gently silencing me. “It’s okay,” he reassured me. “Vaughn didn’t want to press charges against me. He believed in my innocence. Because of you. He offered me a deal, and I took it. He said that I would walk free if I testified against the Westies. I didn’t have to think twice.”
I stared at him, thunderstruck. “But… But they’re your friends, your family.”
As his gaze held mine, his eyes glowed with an intensity that took my breath away. “They’ve made me what I am, what I hate. And knowing you… You’re so pure, Claudia, so good. I know that I’ll never deserve you, that I can never make amends for everything that I’ve put you through, but I want to be better because of you. I want to be better for you. I know that you can never forgive me, but -”
“Sean,” I breathed his name, cutting him off. “There’s nothing to forgive. Nothing that’s happened to me has been your fault. I can see that now. And I’m the one who betrayed you by going to the FBI.”
“You didn’t betray me,” he said softly. “You saved me.”
His eyes were sparkling as he leaned down into me, and I experienced something that I thought I would never again experience in my life: the feeling of Sean’s lips against mine. He was tentative at first, as though he was uncertain whether or not I would welcome his intimate touch. I responded instantly and voraciously, pressing up into him, eagerly shaping my lips around his. Our mouths molded to one another perfectly as he began to take me more confidently. We poured all of our grief into the kiss, our shared pain fuelling the intensity of it as we clung to each other. I don’t know how long we remained locked in one another’s embrace, losing ourselves in our passion.
But my busy mind wouldn’t stay quiet forever, and a horrible thought occurred to me, jerking me out of our perfect moment. I pulled away reluctantly.
“You have to go,” I said, trying to shove back the fresh tears that threatened to spill at the thought of him leaving me. “It’s not safe for you here. If your father finds out that you’re out of jail and that you’re with me, he’ll become suspicious. By now I’m sure Bradley has told him that I’m the reason you were both arrested, and he likely told him about Clayton protecting me. I don’
t know if he realized that Clayton was FBI, but it will be pretty clear that the FBI is tailing me to protect me now that I’ve been attacked. If Ronan finds out that you’re with me and the FBI knows about it, then he’ll know that you’ve turned against him.”
Sean’s hand curved around the back of my head, holding me against him. The possessive act let me know what he was going to say before the words came out of his mouth. “I don’t care what my father thinks. I’ve told the FBI everything, and they’re going to take him down any day now. He won’t be able to get to us soon. Until they take him in, I’m staying with you.”
I hesitated for a moment before voicing my next question, knowing that it would bring us into more painful territory. “And what about Bradley?” I asked softly. “Will they arrest him on your information too?”
Sean’s arms tightened around me as his muscles tensed. His expression was strained, but his voice was even when he spoke. “Bradley is beyond my help now. He abducted you, he abused you, and he’s tried to kill you. Even if I were willing to protect him after all that – which I’m not – he’s murdered a federal agent. He can’t come back from that.” Although his tone was calm and rational, there was pain in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. As much as I loathed Bradley, I knew how hard this must be on Sean. I was now experiencing firsthand what it was to lose a friend, and I hated that Sean was going to have to go through the same thing, albeit under different circumstances.
“He’s made his own choices,” Sean said, his voice hard. “And those choices have proven that he’s not the person I thought he was.”
“How…” I hesitated to delve into this if Sean wasn’t ready to share, but I had to know how he could possibly be friends with such a horrible person. “How did you and Bradley meet?”
