“I’m in school,” I sharply say.
Clay shrugs like it’s no big deal. “You’re done in a month or so, right? Come and join us afterward.”
I ruefully laugh. “You’re being serious right now?” I direct at Clay. “Have you forgotten about my dad? Why do you think I still live at home?”
Nash comes around the table and places his hand on my forearm. “Leave it to us. We’re going to hire someone to help out around here. Clay and I will pay for it.”
“Some stranger?”
His jaw ticks. “You make it sound bad.”
“I...” I grab the chair with both hands and work to compose myself. My knuckles grow sheet white.
I love these two men. What they’re proposing is a dream.
But it can never be a reality.
My life isn’t simple. It doesn’t afford me whims like running off with a rodeo for the season.
It probably would just be the summer anyway. They’ll grow tired of me in a few months and move on to some other girl.
My throat tightens. Clay and Nash’s tendencies can’t be denied. They’re not the settling down type. They’ve been with plenty of girls, I’m sure, and they’ll be with plenty more.
“You’ll have time to find the right person,” Clay says. “Since you’ll be here for a while finishing up school.”
Anger like white lightning strikes me. I snap my head up and glare at Clay. “You really think you’ve got it all figured out, huh? You think I’m going to be your play thing on the road for a month or two?”
“A… a month or two? Cheyenne, we’re...”
Nash interrupts, his words holding a ferocious note. “We want you to be ours, Cheyenne. We don’t want to share you with anyone else.”
I purse my lips. “But for how long?”
Nash stares me down. “For a long, long time.”
His look melts me. My knees buckle and I hang onto the back of the chair for dear life.
“I don’t get it,” I whisper. “I didn’t think you two were… like this. I thought this was just going to be a fling.”
Nash briefly closes his eyes. “We did too.”
Clay comes closer and wraps his arm around my waist. “We didn’t expect this. But we want you, Cheyenne. We’re not leaving here without you.”
“You can’t do this,” I whisper. “You can’t just come in here and turn my life around like this.” I look right at Clay. “Especially not you.”
He reels back. “You think everyone will talk.”
“Yes, they’ll talk. My father… I’m sorry, Clay, but he doesn’t like you. Not with the kind of reputation you have.”
He grinds his teeth together. “I don’t mind if you tell everyone you’re with Nash. I don’t care. The three of us know what’s real.”
The queasy feeling in my stomach grows. “I have to sit down,” I mutter to no one in particular. Nash whips a chair out for me and I fall into it.
This is all happening too fast. Clay and Nash having an answer for everything makes their offer even harder to believe.
If I really wanted to I could go with them. I could let them take the reins. I could let them hire a home helper. I could forget about getting a job in a school next year. I could tell everyone I’m Nash’s girlfriend. I could enjoy the touch of their hands every day for the rest of…
For the rest of what? Just how long would this thing last?
They say they want me for real, but what does that mean in their heads?
They’d come to resent me. A few weeks of having me on the road with them and they’d start to miss their old free flowing life.
And then I’d really be the fool. I’d be hopping on a bus and crawling back to town with a broken heart in my chest.
“It’s too much,” I whisper to the wall.
Clay sits next to me and wraps his hand around my neck. His warmth presses into my skin and I soak it up, knowing this might be the last time I feel his touch. I fight back a sob but it’s no good. Hot tears fall down my cheeks.
Nash takes the seat on my other side. “Cheyenne, don’t cry. We’re taking care of everything. Don’t you worry.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “You can’t take care of everything.”
There’s a heavy slam on the table. I jump and my eyes fly open. Clay’s palm presses into the wood. “Damn it, Cheyenne! Don’t you understand? You're ours. We’re not leaving here without you.”
His nostrils flare and he stares me down. “Everything is working out just fine. Trust us.”
All I have to do is say ‘Yes’. It’s easy. The word hovers right behind my lips, ready to get out.
But I can’t do it. I can’t put myself out there any more than I already have.
“No,” I whisper. The word drags in my throat like it has claws, leaving scars that will be there for years to come.
Clay’s fingers curl into the wood. His jaw locks and he looks down. His hat brim hides his eyes, shielding him from me.
“Cheyenne,” Nash says.
“Don’t.” I quickly stand and leave the table. At the doorway, I turn around to look at them. Nash’s face is etched with confusion and Clay’s eyes are hard.
“We can’t all be like you two,” I tell them. “Running all over the place, doing whatever we want, screwing a new person in each town.”
Nash stands. “We won’t be doing that anymore.”
“It doesn’t matter!” A pathetic cry leaves me and I press my palm against my mouth.
Nash takes a step towards me. “Believe us.”
“I believe you now,” I say between my fingers. “But what happens in a month or two? You know you’re going to get tired of me.”
“We won’t get tired of you.”
Tears press against my eyeballs. Every part of me is burning, screaming in silent grief for what it’s losing. “You say that now, but let’s be honest. People don’t just change.”
The words are callous and cold. I hate to be the person saying them, but there’s nothing I can do about it. The truth is the truth and I need to protect myself.
My eyes fall on Clay’s. He stares back at me, his pupils emoting something I don’t understand.
He could hate me now.
That’s fine. It’ll make saying goodbye all the easier.
“You two need to go,” I sternly say.
I run through the hallway and up the staircase.
“Cheyenne!” Nash yells at me.
Locking the bedroom door, I go and collapse in the windowsill. Heavy bangs hit the door over and over.
“Cheyenne, come out here!” Nash demands, his voice rising in anger.
I press my fingertips against my eyes and let the tears flow. Nash knocks a few more times, and then, he stops. His footsteps recede down the hall.
I hold my breath and wait for more sounds. The front door slams closed and it does something to me. I break entirely, collapsing into sobs against the window.
18
Nash
Another small town with another cookie-cutter main street, the shitty bar is in almost the same place as the last.
I don’t even know the name of the place we’re stopped in. I barely remember the show last night. All I know is we’re somewhere in Iowa. I think.
Every day just blurs into the next one. Like it or not, there’s only one thing on my mind.
Cheyenne.
I hate myself for getting wound up over a woman. Walking away from her makes me despise myself more. I never let women say no to me. I take what I want from them and they end up liking it.
But with Cheyenne it’s all different. She’s different.
It’s not like we could have stayed. For several days, Clay and I tried to get Cheyenne to talk to us. She always refused. Not once did she answer her phone or come out of her house.
The rodeo left and we went with it. One day rolled into the next until three months crept by.
Sometimes I want to blame Clay for things going wrong. I want to tell myself
it’s his reputation that stopped Cheyenne from coming with us, but I know the truth is more complicated.
It’s my reputation as well. It’s my whole past and Clay’s whole past combined. Cheyenne’s got reason to believe we’re never gonna change and we’ve got no way to show her we aim to.
I tilt my beer bottle back and drain the last of it. Some sappy country song drifts across the bar. It’s my cue to leave.
I toss a bill on the table and make my way to the door. Halfway across the floor a curvy redhead shoots me a look. She’s surrounded by a group of friends but she breaks away from them and scurries over to me.
“Hey there,” she purrs. A hand with long pink nails sticks out for a shake. “I’m Miranda.”
I tip my hat but don’t accept the shake. “Nice to meet you, Ma’am.”
“My friends and I were wondering if you’d like to have a drink with us. My friend Vanessa’s boyfriend bailed on us and now we’re just hanging out.” She flutters her lashes at me. “We could use a guy to join our group.”
I glance briefly at her three friends, who watch us like hawks. “Thank you very much, but I’m not in the mood for socializing tonight.”
“Oh. I hear ya.” She cocks her hip and looks me up and down. “So how about you and I just have a drink on our own? You know Sullivan’s? It’s the pool hall down the street. They’re never busy. We could also go back to my place. It’s only a few minutes away.”
I rub the back of my neck, already sure of what I’m going to say.
She presses a finger against my chest. “Well?”
I give her a tight smile. “I’ve got an early morning tomorrow. Thank you, though.”
Her lips pout. “Aw, you’re no fun. Come on...”
I veer around the woman and burst from the bar. The hot evening air presses against my skin and I make the walk down the block to the seedy motel on the edge of town.
Clay lays on one of the twin beds in our room, staring at the television. He barely looks my way as I settle down across from him.
“What are you watching?”
He shrugs.
“Fine.”
I take my hat off and go into the bathroom for a shower. I’m getting used to Clay’s new attitude, but that doesn’t mean I like it. Ever since we left the Town of Cody, he’s been sullen and barely talking.
As far as going out and having fun, it never happens. We haven’t picked up a single girl since Cheyenne. My balls are bluer than the sky and yet there’s nothing I want to do about it. Every time I look at a woman all I can think about is how she’s not Cheyenne.
I turn the water on as hot as I can stand it and turn my face into the spray. My head goes back to the same place it always does. Images of Cheyenne’s smile, the Murphy ranch, and Heart Mountain crowd my mind.
Does she ever think of Clay and me? Does she wonder about what she missed by turning us away?
My pulse pounds in my ears and my stomach aches. There’s nothing to be done. Cheyenne and the ranches are gone from my life.
I need to accept it.
I kill the shower and grab a towel.
Clay’s voice floats through the open door. “I’ll talk to him about it… Sure… I already know what his answer will be… Well just hold on… I’ll call you back soon… Bye.”
I give myself a quick dry and step out of the bathroom. “You talking about me?”
Clay sits on the edge of his bed, his cell phone next to him. He looks over at me and smiles. “Maybe.”
I cross the room and snatch up some clothes from my open suitcase. “With Dan?”
“No, not with Dan.”
“Good, because I’m not signing on for next season. He keeps asking and I told him no.”
“You have some other plan?”
“I’ll figure it out. I’m tired of this shit. The road… a new town every two weeks. It’s not a life worth living anymore.”
“I understand.”
I yank on some jeans and turn to face him. “Who were you talking to? Spill it already.”
Clay leans against his knees. “That was my father. He’s retiring. He’s going to go and live in some old person community with my aunt in Maine.”
“Okay. What do I have to do with that? Does he need help moving?”
“You’re in a shitty mood.”
My mouth falls open. “You’re one to talk. Though at least you’re saying something. You barely even speak anymore. You walk around like a zombie. And all because...”
My teeth slam together. I can’t say her name. It runs on repeat in my head each day, but it’s not going to pass through my lips.
Clay isn’t fazed by my outburst. “We can go back there,” he calmly says. “My dad wants me to take over the ranch. He’s going to move to Maine.”
“Take over? You mean run it all by yourself?”
“Unless you want to do it with me.”
All of the air leaves my chest. I go and sit on my bed. “But that’s where...”
“Yep.”
“She’s not going to take us back.”
“Maybe not right away. But eventually she will. If we stay around and show her we mean business.”
I study his face. “Is that what you really want? Last you told me you hated the idea of going back home.”
He rubs the back of his neck. “I used to. But being on the road these last few months hasn’t been the same.”
“You’re telling me.”
“I could be happy there, running the ranch. Even if Cheyenne isn’t in our lives. And it’s what you want.”
He’s right. The ranch and surrounding countryside have been on my mind almost as much as Cheyenne. To me, the two things are a packaged deal. One inevitably comes with the other.
But if push comes to shove I’ll take the ranch and live without Cheyenne.
“I’m in. What’s the plan?”
19
Cheyenne
I stare at Ally’s text and debate what to do. I’ve been avoiding her and all my other friends for weeks and it’s starting to become obvious. I don’t want to push them away, but I also need some space right now. There’s too much going on and I need to focus on getting my life in order.
The party sounds like fun, I type up. But I need to stay home and rewrite my resume.
I send the text and fall back against the hard, wooden chair. Footsteps and a few whispers waft through the Town of Cody public library, but mostly it’s quiet. It’s the perfect place to job hunt online or just sit and think.
I’ve been doing a lot of both those things lately.
I thought graduating a couple months ago meant I was closer to my first teaching job. It turned out I was wrong. All of the upcoming year’s teaching positions in the surrounding school districts were filled as much as a year ago. There’s a waiting list. No, there’s a waiting list to get on the waiting list. Where was the career counselor when I needed to find this out? She was probably on one of those damn waiting lists. Now, all I know is if I want to teach, I’ll need to move somewhere else. Or wait a year. Or hope something comes up.
Leaving isn’t an option. Dad’s Parkinson’s seems to have hit warp speed this summer. The rapid change left him depressed, which in turn has taken a toll on Mom. They need me now more than ever. They need me to take care of things. They need me to trust.
They need me to not screw up.
Tears blur my vision and I look down at my lap to hide my crying.
I don’t care that I’ll have to get a job as a waitress or a nanny. Plenty of people do that out of school. I’ll get a teaching job next year.
But it’s the other unexpected turn of events that has me struggling through restless nights.
I blink back the tears and get to work on the library’s desktop. My resume is already written, but I want to reformat it to make it look nicer.
Once I’m done I print out a dozen copies and pack up my stuff.
I take the back streets home, gliding past the small houses on the ed
ge of town and entering the countryside. A late summer haziness fills the air. Soon the leaves will be falling. Soon there will be snow.
My heart seizes up. It’s crazy to think how soon everything will be different.
I clutch the steering wheel and slow down as I turn onto Ello. Tonight, I’ll tell my parents. It’s already been a month since I found out. Soon hiding my news from them won’t be an option.
They’ll be disappointed in me. My mom will probably cry. My dad might get speechless from anger.
It’s ironic. All I wanted to do was keep our family name untarnished, and now I’ve done the opposite. The rumors will spread like wildfire. Everyone will whisper behind my back as I walk down the street.
I don’t care what people think or say about me. I just hate that my parents have to get burned through association. If leaving town was an option I’d take it, but as much as my parents don’t want an embarrassing daughter they also can’t live without me.
Not having options is almost good in a way. I haven’t spent any time agonizing over what I’m going to do.
I knew the second I read the plus sign on the plastic stick that I wasn’t going to tell Nash and Clay I was pregnant.
If they knew they might return for a while. But even if one or both of them stayed things wouldn’t turn out well. They’d come to resent me one day. They’d miss the life I would have taken them from. In the end, all I’d get out of them coming back would be a broken family, a twice shattered heart, and a small amount of child support.
The fraction of money that gets cut from a rodeo cowboy’s check just doesn’t make the rest of the list worth it.
Orange swaths of sunlight sweep across the fields. I drive alongside the sunset, admiring the way it gives the whole world a new color.
At least I still have small things like this. And at least I still have my family.
My hand falls to my stomach and I lightly press against the softness there. I’ve got my first OB/GYN appointment tomorrow. It’s possible that I might hear my baby’s heartbeat for the first time.
Pain sears across my heart. I hate that I’ll never know what it’s like to share that kind of moment with a man you love.
Two Cowboys Next Door Page 10
