Our neighbour’s lights were on, so I walked out and nudged him into the dimly lit room. We stood facing each other, and he looked so out of place in my crowded room. Yet he looked as if he was meant to be there, like we were two people accustomed to these visits. Like we weren’t virtual strangers.
“You seem to do a lot of that,” I sat on the rug beside the bed. He looked down at me, and as if taking my cue, sat down next to me.
“Not really, I just seem to mess up a lot when you’re around,” he positioned his elbows on his raised knees. “I think you bring out the idiot in me.”
We laughed quietly, and in the silence that followed, I debated with myself on whether to ask him about the day we met, or to ask instead about the hatred between he and Ron.
“Not yet,” he said, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Don’t ask me anything tonight, I’m not ready to answer your questions.”
I swallowed the disappointment, “I wasn’t going to ask you anything.”
He laughed dryly, “Yeah, right.”
“Do you have a boyfriend, Charlie?” he tilted his head to fix his eyes with mine.
Well, that was unexpected, “Why?”
“Just wondering.”
“You don’t have a girlfriend,” I said.
He smiled, nearly setting my insides on fire, “Is that an official statement?”
I rubbed my hands up and down my arms, having him near felt like having my heart warm up and my body freeze in nervousness.
“If you did, you’d be at her house instead.” I decided, breaking the eye contact.
“Hmm,” he grinned. “What if we’re just going through a rough patch?”
“Are you?” I asked, trying to mask my interest in the matter.
“No, to both” he said, getting up.
“Where are you going?” The words came out before I could stop them. I suddenly felt embarrassed I’d asked him that.
“I came to say sorry, and now that I have, I have to go,” he gave me that rare, enigmatic smile I was quickly getting used to.
“Oh, yeah. Sure.” I nodded.
“What, you want me to stay over at some strange girl’s house?” he grinned.
“I’m not strange,” I said. Then realizing that wasn’t the first thing I should have clarified on, I added, “And no, I don’t want you to stay over.”
He held out his hand to me, and helped me up when I reached for it. He held on to it, and this time, I didn’t try to draw it away from his. Eyes the colour of gleaming black pools stared into my own, and in that moment, I seemed to forget my reservations about him. This was the boy who kept me at arm’s length, and dodged my questions. He had gotten me into trouble with both the school and my parents, and had scared me senseless the day I met him. God knew when, or if, he would ever feel ready to tell me what went on in his head. These were all issues that should have made me pull away when he lowered his head until our noses were levelled. But I didn’t. And my doubts were rendered powerless a second later, when he put his hand on my neck and kissed me.
And I knew, nothing else would ever beat this feeling. Nothing else ever had, and it felt like my first. Slowly, I parted my lips to his tongue, my senses stuck between drowning in his scent and taking the first breath of fresh air from his mere presence.
Xander
I sat in my car at 2am in the middle of nowhere, even though I knew it was safe to go back home now. I couldn’t drive any further without ending up back at Charlie’s, and I knew for a fact that she wasn’t right for my stability. I also knew she was too good for me and everything that came with being in my life.
Yet, with all this clear to me, I could not bring myself to regret what had happened between us tonight. Instead, while I sat in the car, stuck between her house and mine, all I could feel…was her. Her scent, her fingers wrapped around my wrists, as if she wanted to keep me at a distance, and yet wanted to fill every bit of space between us.
Still, I shouldn’t have touched her, because now all I wanted was to go back to her. I knew that that wouldn’t be wise, that eventually she’d find out about my family, and the wreck that was my existence. If that happened, when it happened, she’d either be repulsed by me, or I’d be the object of her pity. And deep down, the limited possibilities of what we could be terrified me more than I was ready to admit.
I had taken a detour after dropping Charlie off in the afternoon, and had gone to the hospital to visit Cole. There had been no improvement in his condition, and I wondered how long he’d have to lie like that. The thought that it could be more than a few weeks had gutted me. I’d arrived home to find my parents arguing in the living room, and I’d been confronted by my dad about the fight with Ron. A few minutes into the fight with my parents, I grabbed by keys off the table and walked out. It occurred to me as I sat in my car that there was no one else I wanted to see, no one would understand. They all knew too much.
I sent her a message the minute I got home.
X: Hey, you okay?
The response came a minute later: Yeah, you home?
'Yeah.' Then because I couldn’t help myself, 'Are we good?'
I hit send, then immediately regretted asking that question over text. I didn’t know her well enough to be sure she wouldn’t lie to me, I also didn’t know her enough to predict her reply. What did I know? That I wanted to know her, enough to make sure she wouldn’t get upset by the things I would say, or neglect to say. I wanted to know every little thing about her, and the certainty that came with that thought made me uneasy.
I checked my phone again, and promptly, her name popped up on the screen: We are, goodnight.
I hoped she meant that, that she wasn’t saying that because there was nothing else she could say.
I replied her goodnight text, right before I fell asleep and dreamed about her.
The constant beeping of the phone woke me. It had been a while since I had slept through the night, and my eyes were blinded by the sunlight streaming out of the window. I reached for my bedside and managed to find my phone, afraid there was an emergency with Cole. Instead, it was the basketball team group, requesting that I show up to the next meeting. I rarely spent time with them unless in a team meeting or a game. As far as I was concerned, they were a means to an end: my goal of being picked by my dream team.
Ron and Gerald, who was the point guard, went back and forth, eventually asking everyone to confirm that we were going to ‘hang out’ at the local diner. I switched off my phone, knowing what they expected of me, and that I wasn’t in the mood. I got up and made plans to spend the day at the hospital, caught between genuinely needing to visit my brother and wishing to put some distance between Charlie and I. God knew I wasn’t ready to get into a relationship right now. What would that even look like? What girl would be satisfied with the little attention that I had to offer right now? Most importantly, she deserved more than that. With that, I snatched my car keys from the counter and walked out.
The scene at the hospital was the same as ever, though I envied the kids with broken bones and minor infections. They would be out of here in no time, while my brother’s stay was still indefinite. His hair had grown longer, almost shielding his closed eyes, reminding me of the time he had thrown a tantrum over its length making him look like a girl. He had threatened not to go to school the following day because everyone would make fun of him. Holding his hand, I wondered how much had changed in the months he had been in a coma. I’d heard that his little league soccer team had made it to district level, his class teacher had changed, and one of his friends was on his way to becoming a junior karate champion. And he’d missed all of it. Life was moving forward, and it felt like everybody else was moving on right along with it. But I couldn’t, because what I had failed to do was part of the reason he was here, missing out on his life. What right did I have to go on with mine like nothing had happened?
With one hand brushing the hair away from his forehead and the other holding his, I sat there regretting it a
ll. And for the first time in a long time, I cried myself to sleep.
The next day Charlie didn’t show up to school, or maybe she’d just skipped the two classes that she shared with me. I’d sent her a text in the morning, which she hadn’t responded to. I didn’t exactly consider myself an expert on female behaviour, but I had an idea that this meant I had done something wrong. Or maybe something was wrong with her. I couldn’t help worrying about this girl I had known for only a few weeks. So I was rightfully irritated when I walked into one of the cafes on campus and found her sitting with Ronald. Granted, there was no other reason for me to be angry at her, but at that moment, my baser instincts had me marching towards her without any plan of action laid out.
“What am I looking at?” I demanded, my eyes locked on her.
Ronald snorted, making me wish it was another girl involved, one whose opinion of me was irrelevant. But had it been so, I would not have bothered confronting her like a freaking caveman.
She looked up at me before responding calmly, “We’re just having lunch.”
“Is this what you missed the whole day of school for? Lunch with a guy you barely know?” I shot back, immediately feeling guilty.
Fury danced in her brown eyes, and by the smug look on Ronald’s face, I knew that he had expected me to walk right into that one. God, I could punch him in the face right now.
Despite the storm raging in her eyes, Charlie’s features remained calm, “I wasn’t aware that I was supposed to report my daily activities to you,” she shifted her gaze between Ronald and I, “also a guy I barely know.”
Later, I would wonder why I winced at her words, and convince myself that it was simply a result of the bite in her voice. Honestly, I wanted her to know me, because I felt like if she did, she might like me. God knew I wanted her to. In that moment, all I could feel was anger. At him for being near her, and her for allowing him.
“What the hell did you say to her?” I glared at him, unconsciously fisting my hands at my side. He looked pointedly at my hands, then raised an eyebrow at her, as if the action confirmed something.
He stood up to face me, “Nothing that wasn’t true.”
He was taunting me, I knew it. So did he, but I had a strong feeling she had no idea.
“Xander, stop it!” Her voice broke our glaring contest and earned me a satisfied smirk from Ron. “He smashed my phone in the morning, and he was kind enough to take me to get it fixed.”
“Kind?” I snorted derisively, “He doesn’t have a kind bone in his body.”
Ron sighed dramatically, but I was sure it sounded dejected to Charlie, “See? I told you he’s still very angry. I’ll see you around, Charlie.”
I stared at him as he walked away, gearing myself for a trip down the seven hells of Charlotte Grace Welman-Cane.
Charlie
I was a seething, infuriated raging ball of anger. The words clogged my throat, and all I had to do was figure out which bomb to set off first. One thing was clear: he was getting it.
“So what, you’re going to like, start your tirade and finish it or are you more of the silent stewing type?” he added warily when I continued to glare at him. “What? I just want to know if my death is going to be sudden or a slow one.”
I shoved him, and he winced, “What do you think?”
“Right now, my life is just flashing before my eyes,” he blinked innocently.
I huffed, enraged. I was definitely the flash tirade type. “This is not funny! You think a simple, meaningless kiss gives you the right to dictate whom I can talk to?! Who are you, my father?! What is this, the fifties?! I-”
“Am I at some point required to answer any of these questions, or my input is not needed?” He interrupted in mock seriousness.
I got in his face, making him back up against the table. By then, everyone in the little café was riveted on us. “I. Was. Not. Done.” I gritted my teeth, baring them viciously at him. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been this angry at someone.
He took a step towards me, towering over my lean frame. “And our kiss was not meaningless. Not. Even. Close.”
“That’s it? That’s the part you choose to respond to?!” I whirled around, ready to walk away from him. I wasn’t going to deal with this, and any place was better than here.
I didn’t get anywhere because he grabbed my elbow, and I was right back in front of him. I ignored the heat where his hand touched my skin, “Let go.”
Surprising me, he did. But I didn’t get to bask in that victory, because he wrapped his hand around my neck and pulled me in for a hot, searing kiss.
It wasn’t meant to affect me the way that it did, and I wasn’t supposed to lean in to him and help him make me forget everything that had happened before this moment. But it did, and I did. The butterflies in my stomach from the first time we kissed transformed into fluttering moths, then flapping dragons. I lost track of time, and circumstance, until all that existed in my head was him, and my heart wrapped around his. I was scared shitless.
I pulled away from him, abruptly ending the kiss. “What was that?”
He shrugged arrogantly, “That was me showing you that our kiss wasn’t meaningless, and from now on, our kisses never will be. Not to me, and definitely not to you.”
I stiffened when I realised he still had his arms wrapped around me. “I’m going to the hospital.”
I glanced around at the several people pretending to focus on their coffee and conversations before extricating myself from his hold.
His voice caught me at the wooden double doors of the café, “Do that from now on.”
I sighed and faced him, “What?”
“When you’re not with me or your friends, go to the hospital instead. Don’t talk to Ronald. Ever.”
I raised my eyebrow defiantly and walked out with a derisive laugh.
Xander
The second the double doors of the café slammed shut, I regretted what I had said to her. In all honesty, I had meant to warn her about the untrustworthy worm that was Ronald Hennings. Instead, all I’d done was come across as a domineering caveman. Grinding my jaw, I strode out of the now awkwardly silent café, deciding against my better judgment to go to basketball practice.
I cursed myself as I made my way to the court and tried to find fault with what she had done. But she hadn’t really done anything wrong. It was him.
That conclusion hit me with a stronger sense of finality when I walked into the court and saw him laughing with the other guys. All thoughts of wanting to make things right with Charlie were pushed away, and all I wanted to do was smash his skull so he wouldn’t live to talk to her again.
“Oh, there he is. I was just telling the guys how you are on your way to getting whipped,” he piped, earning himself a few fist bumps from them.
I dropped my duffle bag and before I could talk myself out of it, gripped him by his shirt. “If I ever catch you within a mile of her, you’ll regret it, You got that?”
He sneered derisively, “Ah, getting a little overprotective, are we?”
“I swear to God…I’ll make you hate me, Ronald.”
The smug look was off his face as quickly as it had appeared. “Well that would be better than this. At least then, you’d be feeling something. Does she know, huh? Does she know that you’re an unfeeling jerk who won’t get over himself and his issues? Or better yet, that you’re so unfeeling that you don’t even visit your little brother because you’re way too busy giving the flavour of the month all of your attention-”
My fist connected with his jaw, then his eye, and I couldn’t stop. In that moment, I was rendered temporarily oblivious to the people around us, and the fact that Ronald and I were teammates. I couldn’t see past the red haze that covered my vision. He flailed his body from beneath me, yelling curses which I silenced with more punches to his face. I was distinctly aware of the voices telling me to get off him, and the arms trying to hold me back. But this was only the second time I’d lost it on a
nyone, and they knew that the first time, I had almost killed him. My knuckles hurt, but like the sucker for pain that I am, I fed off the pain I felt from his blows and my own. I heard coach’s voice and felt him attempt to yank me away, but because I was angrier, I was stronger. In retrospect, I wasn’t stronger, the rage was. It consumed me, seeping into my mind and soul, shutting every other feeling out of my body. Every feeling except for her nearness, and her panicked voice seizing me out of the darkness.
“Xander!” Charlie screamed, halting my assault on Ronald’s limp form. “Stop! Please!”
She put her hand on my shoulder, and I reluctantly lifted myself. “Charlie.”
The room fell silent, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see Coach Davis and the first aiders tending to Ronald. I could deal with the team’s anger, but somehow, I couldn’t handle the disappointment on her face. I hadn’t even known her for more than a couple of weeks. “Charlie, I’m sorry.” I heaved, “He said some stuff about you, and I lost it.”
She continued to stare at me, and I almost shrunk in shame under her scrutiny. The red haze which had possessed me just a few minutes ago was nowhere to be found, and I was starting to reconcile myself with my actions. Her sad eyes almost made me regret pounding his head into his skull. Almost.
“Xander, let’s go,” she held her hand out to me, and I nodded, willing my head not to turn to the guys and face their stares.
I took her hand and led her out of the basketball court, all the while feeling everyone’s eyes boring into my own skull.
We walked to my car in silence, her undoubtedly waiting for me to explain myself. I found myself almost wishing she would push. Any other girl would have pushed, but I seemed to automatically open up every time I was with this girl. For some unknown reason, I felt like I needed her to know me, and I needed to be understood by her.
“I’m sorry,” I said again, at a loss for words.
She sighed thoughtfully, “You seem to do many things worth apologizing for.”
“I was defending you!” I snapped. “Now that I think about it, this is all on you. I told you to stay away from Ron.”
With Every Sunset Page 6
