“No. I want to be as close to my brothers as possible, at least for now. I promised Father I’d come back, and I promised Mother I’d help children learn, children who had little opportunity. There are plenty of schools back in Missouri, but out here…” She sighed deeply. Everything would be fine if it weren’t for her feelings for Brand Selby. Why had she allowed herself to agree to teach him? Why hadn’t she asked Mr. Dreyfuss about another way to teach the man? Yes, it was true there was probably no one in Austin who would agree to it, but maybe she should have tried.
Rachael knew the feelings she had for Brand had been there from the moment she saw him at the river. That was the real reason she had agreed to teach him—just to get to know him better. Rachael had walked right into this mess with her eyes wide open, and today she realized things were not going to get better unless she stopped seeing Brand.
She looked at her brother again. Would he understand? “Out here there is such little opportunity for learning,” she finished aloud. “Mr. Dreyfuss really needs my help. Austin is growing more, now that it’s a sure thing this town will be the capital when Texas becomes a state.”
Joshua searched her eyes. “Well, if there’s anything you need to tell me, don’t be afraid to,” he answered, letting go of her hand. “ ’Course if it’s about a man, I don’t know how much help I’d be. Apparently I’m not too good at picking the right one for you. But you can talk to Lacy.”
She nodded. “Yes. Lacy is wonderful.” She sighed deeply. “But it isn’t that,” she lied. “I’m just still adjusting to being back, I guess. I would do a little more socializing with women my age, but most of them are married and even have children already.”
Joshua laughed lightly. “There, you see? A husband and kids would keep you plenty busy. It’s probably what you need.”
“Oh, Josh!” She rose from her seat. “It’s almost time for supper. You’ll eat with us, won’t you?”
“Sounds good to me.” He rose, coming to put his arm around her shoulders. “You go upstairs and change. You probably want to freshen up.”
“Yes, I do. There is a smoking room if you want to smoke a pipe. One or both of the men boarding here might be in there. Lacy can bring you something a little stronger than lemonade if you want. Just don’t overdo it, big brother.”
Joshua grinned. “Something stronger sounds real good.” He watched her as she ascended the stairs. Something was wrong, but she was apparently not about to tell him. He felt sorry for Rachael, realizing how difficult it must be for her here in Austin after living in St. Louis for three years. She was so beautiful, and now so educated and sophisticated. He couldn’t blame her if she wanted to go back East.
Rachael reached her room and closed the door. She picked up the carved wolf from the dresser where Lacy had put it. She studied it closely, admiring the intricate detail. Brand Selby seemed to be an intelligent man with many talents. Perhaps a man from two worlds was the best kind of man there was, a man who truly understood life to the fullest. Her eyes teared as she realized the feelings that were building for him were becoming much too strong for her own good.
Was this love? Was this how it felt? She had just left him and already she missed him. Was love what made a person do something so foolish as to risk everything—career, reputation, maybe even her brother’s love? She felt suddenly miserable, wondering how she would ever be able to eat anything at the supper table. Did love do that to a person, too, take away their appetite, bring this tight feeling to the stomach?
“My God,” she whispered, setting down the wolf. It was impossible! Wrong! Not with a half-breed! She opened a drawer and put the wolf inside it. Maybe it would help to keep it out of sight. Besides, Joshua might come up to her room and ask about it. Joshua. How was she ever going to explain this to Joshua, let alone Jason Brown?
Rachael merely picked at her food, while Joshua, the widower Bert Peters, and the banker, Stewart Glass, ate heartily.
“Mr. Peters told me his story about Jason,” Joshua said to Rachael and Lacy. “I think the man must have exaggerated. He even said Jason backed down from that half-breed, Brand Selby, said the breed stopped the whole thing.”
Rachael felt a knot forming in her stomach.
“I can’t imagine Jason being afraid of anybody, least of all a half-breed,” he added. “Remember him mentioning that man back at the ranch, Rachael?”
Rachael looked at her brother. “Yes, I remember,” she said quietly.
Lacy came over to the table, setting a platter of biscuits down with more force than necessary.
“Well, Jason didn’t have much good to say about him. I’d like to see that man myself.”
Bert Peters spoke up. “I’ve seen him around town once or twice. He never stays long, doesn’t cause any trouble. But he makes people nervous, nonetheless. They say he’s more Indian than white.”
“Wonder why a man like that decided to settle around here? He ought to know he’s not welcome,” Joshua added.
Rachael stared at him, wanting to get up and scream at him. “Why shouldn’t he be welcome?” she asked, trying to keep her voice as calm and casual as possible. “Did you ever stop to think that he’s probably just a man, like you? He is half white, Joshua. He has a right to try to settle like any other man. After all, what he’s doing is what we wish all the Comanche would do—settle down and live like white men. Isn’t that true?”
Joshua met her eyes, seeing the challenge there. He wondered at her rather bold defense of a man she didn’t even know. He frowned. “Yeah, I guess that much is right. But if he wants to settle like a white man, seems like he’d cut his hair and dress like one.”
Rachael returned to fussing with her stew, staring at her bowl again. “What difference does it make how a man dresses? Father always dressed in buckskins, and he let his hair get pretty long sometimes. To the Indians long hair is important to a man. Maybe cutting his hair is as bad to him as you wearing a dress.”
The other two men at the table laughed lightly, but when Rachael looked at her brother she colored slightly at the discerning look in his eyes. “I know you’re a softhearted girl, Rachael, but you be careful defending a man like that. It’s okay here, but don’t do too much of it out in public.”
She felt her temper rising. “Why not? The Christian thing is to help people who want to help themselves, and not to wrongly judge a man. You already make Jason Brown out to be better than he is; maybe you’re making Brand Selby out to be worse than he is. You can’t judge someone you don’t even know.”
Joshua just stared at her, then looked away, reaching for a biscuit. “All I know is I’ve never heard anybody who had anything good to say about a half-breed.”
“I’m inclined to agree,” Peters put in. “I’ve seen that man. He’s big and he’s mean looking, and I wouldn’t turn my back on him for one second. As far as Jason Brown being afraid of him, hell, I’d be afraid of him, too.”
“We don’t use profanity at this table, Mr. Peters,” Lacy reminded him, walking around and pouring coffee. “And I think Rachael has a point. We shouldn’t judge a man we don’t even know. If Mr. Selby is trying to settle like a white man, we should give him the benefit of the doubt. There are certainly a good share of white men in this town I wouldn’t trust any more than I would trust a half-breed.”
“Well, Austin will soon be rid of its riffraff,” Glass put in. “After all, we’re going to be the state capital once Texas joins the United States. Thanks to people like Rachael here, our children will be educated. We have just about every kind of shop necessary, and plans are already in the making for a hospital. We’re working hard to get some eastern doctors to come here. I attended the last town meeting, and Ted Miller had all kinds of plans for Austin. ’Course Miller owns half the businesses in town, so it’s to his benefit to see it grow, but it’s to our benefit, too.”
“That reminds me, Rachael,” Lacy spoke up, setting the coffeepot down on a hot plate on the buffet behind her. “Harriet Miller was here today. Sh
e wanted to know if you and I would help at the punch table at the dance. It’s nearly three weeks away, but she’s planning quite a spring party. She feels that if you help at the punch table, more people would see you and get to know you before the next school season starts.”
Rachael met her eyes, feeling like crying. “Yes, I remember. I’d be glad to help.” She wondered what Harriet Miller, with her big bustles and fancy hats and expensive parasols would think of a man like Brand Selby.
“Good.” Lacy sat down beside her, reaching over and patting her hand. “I’ll tell her.”
“Rachael, you feel okay?” Joshua asked.
Rachael put a hand to her stomach. “I just have a little upset stomach,” she answered. “I’ll be all right.” She looked around the table at the others. “Excuse me. I think I’ll go to my room.”
All three men partially rose from their chairs as Rachael left. She hurriedly climbed the stairs to her room and lay down on her bed, curling up and hugging a pillow. Brand. How could she get anyone to understand? How could she tell Joshua? She had never felt so alone. Nothing had ever hurt this much.
Moments later she heard a knock at the door. “Rachael? Are you all right?” It was Joshua.
“I’ll be fine. You can come in.”
The young man came inside and sat down on the edge of the bed. “You’ve been acting funny ever since you got home, sis. I wish you’d tell me what’s the matter.”
“Nothing, really, Josh. It’s just…just a bad time of the month for me. I’m a real crank, and I’m sorry.” She felt her cheeks coloring.
Josh rubbed her shoulder. “You want me to get Lacy?”
“No. She’s busy. She’ll come up later.”
Joshua sighed. “I’m sorry if things I said upset you.”
“Same here, Josh.”
He moved his hand down to take hold of hers, squeezing it lightly. “Well, I’ll let you rest. If you feel better later, I reckon I’ll be up late. Otherwise, I’ll see you in the morning.”
She sat up then, hugging him. “Thank you, Josh. I’m so glad you came, really. I’m sorry you had to wait and all.”
He patted her back. “It’s okay. You rest now.”
She lay back down and Joshua left. Minutes later Lacy came quietly into the room. She moved to the side of the bed, reaching down and smoothing back Rachael’s hair. “It’s getting to be more than you thought, isn’t it, honey?”
Rachael looked up at her, then sat up. She burst into tears. “Oh, Lacy, I don’t know what to do. Josh would never understand.”
“Don’t underestimate your brother, honey. But first you’d better know your own heart. I told you not to go back. I could see by your eyes it was the worst thing you could have done. Now you’ve gone, and you’ll go again, and Lord help me there isn’t a thing I can do to stop you, short of tying you to this bed. But God knows I understand that terrible ache, that powerful tug at a woman’s heart when a man has found a way to crawl into it. You have to make your own decisions, Rachael. I can’t do it for you, and neither can Joshua. But you’re not alone, honey. I’m right here.”
Rachael gulped in a sob. “I just feel like I’m…like I’m headed for disaster, but I’m running full speed, welcoming it with open arms.”
“Well, that’s a pretty good description, I’d say.” The woman gave her a squeeze. “But things always have a way of working out in the end, Rachael. Things will look better in the morning.”
Rachael sniffed and let go of the woman, blowing her nose. “He’s a good man, Lacy, and very smart, and so creative. He’s kind and respectful—and it kills me to hear people judging him to be bad simply because he’s half Comanche. He isn’t bad at all. And he’s helping me to understand both sides a little better.” She wiped at her eyes. “And I have to see him again, for Joshua’s sake. I want to ask him to do what he can to make sure the Comanche leave Joshua and Luke and Matt alone. He’d do it, I know he would. Today four Comanche men actually came right up to us.”
“Rachael! What you’re doing is very dangerous!”
“That’s just the point. They won’t touch me because they think…they think I belong to Brand.” She blew her nose again. “He told them that and they leave me alone.” She met Lacy’s questioning eyes. “Don’t you see, Lacy? They respect Brand. I mean, they don’t obey his every order or anything like that. But he’s part of them, and because of that they won’t touch anything he asks them not to touch. He doesn’t have to worry about his stock. He even has two Comanche boys who help him guard it. If I ask him to talk to them about Josh and the ranch, my brothers will be safer. And Josh doesn’t have to know anything about it.”
Lacy took her hand. “Well he does have to know eventually, Rachael. If you keep this up, you can’t get around it. Even if there is nothing more than friendship involved, you can’t keep meeting this man alone to teach him without someone finding out eventually. You’d better come out with it yourself before someone finds out the wrong way. Either that, or stop this whole thing right now—nip it in the bud, Rachael.” She frowned. “Unless the bud has opened to full bloom. Has it?”
Rachael sighed and lay back against her pillow. “No. It’s just me—inside. When I’m with Brand it’s just teacher-student, that’s all.”
“Mmmm-hmmm. Then it should be easy to end it.”
“But he’s learning so fast, Lacy. And he’s so eager. I just can’t bring myself to stop now. It isn’t fair to him. I made a deal with him, and I have to keep my end of the bargain.”
“Not at the expense of your emotions, honey.”
“I’ll find a way to deal with that.”
Lacy sniffed. “Easier said than done. Look at you. Already you’re crying at the drop of a hat and can hardly eat.” She got up from the bed. “You get out of that dress and get some sleep. We’ll have a nice breakfast in the morning before Joshua leaves, and I expect it will have to be early. I’ll come and get you when it’s time.”
“Yes, do. Give me plenty of time to visit with Josh a little more. I wish I had known he was coming. I’d have gotten something for the three of them for Josh to take back.”
“Well he’s coming back in a week or so. We’ll be ready for him. I’m putting up some strawberry jam. We’ll give him some of that to take back for starters.”
“Oh, that’s nice of you, Lacy.”
The woman patted her hair again. “Whether the advice is right or wrong, Rachael, the only way I can tell you to go is to follow your heart. In your case your heart might be a little too soft. There’s nothing anybody can do about that. But to go against your gut feelings, against your heart, is to live a life more miserable than whatever might happen if you do what your heart tells you to do. I’m only saying that this is all still new, still preventable. All you have to do is stop seeing the man while this whole thing is still nothing more than it appears now. You pray on it, Rachael. Pray real good on it.”
“Thanks, Lacy.”
The woman left, and Rachael hugged her pillow again. “Brand,” she whispered. Somehow she was sure that if he were here, holding her this very moment, everything would be all right. New as their friendship might be, she realized the feelings she was experiencing were not preventable at all. She had gone too far the moment she set eyes on Brand Selby.
Chapter Ten
Rachael’s head ached as she took her usual path toward the meeting place. She was determined to tell him this time, determined that this would be the last meeting.
It was already the third week of May, and this was her fourth meeting with Brand Selby. Her feelings for him were far too intense now for her to ignore them. The last time she had come to this place, she had been determined to think of some excuse to end the meetings for once and for all.
But she couldn’t come up with an excuse that time, nor one for today. It seemed hideous enough that she had to sneak around this way. It wasn’t right. She hated it, hated the people of Austin for creating this problem, hated prejudice. There was no re
ason why Brand Selby shouldn’t be able to come to Lacy’s boardinghouse for his lessons. And being around other people would make her own predicament so much easier. It was being alone with him that intensified her feelings.
What bothered her most was that apart from the passion that was growing in her heart for Brand Selby, she also thought of him as a friend. He was so easy to talk to and she had learned so much about the Comanche. He was such an interesting man, so surprisingly gentle and genuine. To end the meetings would be to end a wonderful relationship, a friendship that she would miss very much.
She walked briskly to the flat rock, no longer concerned about the possibility of Indians lurking behind the hills. Today she wore a bright green cotton dress. She hoped it would not be too noticeable that she had not worn all her slips. It was simply too warm. She wore gloves and carried a parasol, all to protect her from the cruel Texas sun. She sat there thinking how amazing it was the way God made people so different. She wondered if someone like Brand ever got sunburned. The thought made her laugh lightly.
She heard a horse, and turned to see him approaching. He was again wearing the buckskin pants and moccassins, but with a blue calico shirt. His hair was tied at the base of his neck, and a round hair ornament of silver and beaded leather decorated one side of his head. He smiled as he approached, and already her courage was slipping. He looked so happy, so eager…and so handsome.
“You are a woman of your word,” he commented, dismounting.
Why was it so much easier to find excuses to keep coming than to find excuses to stop coming? Rachael wondered.
“I know most whites don’t keep their promises, Mr. Selby, but this one does,” she replied, smiling.
“You are helping me have more faith in the white man,” he teased back, grasping her around the waist. He lifted her, noticing he could feel her hipbones through her skirt.
Rachael closed her parasol and he shoved it into the parfleche before they rode off. Neither said much on the way.
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