“Josh, I—”
He put his fingers to her lips. “I know how hard this trip has been for you—and I know the turmoil you’re feeling over losing a husband you never loved and wanting to get away from the MacKinders. I don’t expect an answer right now. I just need to know you’ll think about it.”
“You know I will,” she whispered.
He leaned down and met her lips, drawing her tight against himself. She reached up round his neck, and the kiss lingered long and deep, fires of desire burning in their souls. He moved a hand over her bottom, pressing her against his hardness and groaning with the want of her, and Marybeth knew in that moment that she could give herself to this man with none of the dread and humiliation she had felt with Dan. Josh would make her feel beautiful, wanted, the epitome of woman. He would take her gently and appreciate what she gave him, and she would take in return, take and take and take.
He left her mouth and moved his lips to her neck, and she whispered his name over and over.
“I want you, Marybeth,” he groaned. “I never wanted any woman this much. I want you with me forever, to protect you, provide for you, have you give me sons as strong and healthy as Danny. I’d love Danny like my own. We could be so happy.”
She pressed her hand against his chest, feeling his strength. “I know that I love you, too, Josh. But…I want to be sure I am not just clinging to you because of my unhappiness. I don’t want to use you to get away from John. I want what I feel to be real.”
“It is real. You’ll know that by the time we get to Oregon. I just don’t know if I can wait that long to make you mine.”
His words, his strength, his gentleness made her body ache with desire and her head swim with indecision. It seemed too soon, yet so right. She hadn’t known him for very long, yet being with him came so naturally. Letting him be intimate with her came so easily.
“I’ll think very hard about it, Josh. I don’t know if I can wait either, but I must be sure. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know who I am any more. I feel so lost and confused.”
“All you have to know is how you feel about me, how good it feels to be together, how fate seemed to make our paths cross. I’m as sure of this as I’m sure the sun will rise tomorrow. But I’m willing to give you some time.”
She sighed deeply, gently pulling away from him, afraid of her own responses to his touch. She turned and walked a little bit away from him.
“Oh, Josh, thank you for understanding why I can’t say yes this very moment. That is part of what I love about you—your tolerance and compassion.”
He walked up behind her, putting his hands on her shoulders. “I’m not guaranteeing how far that tolerance will go. Out here a man’s needs get pretty strong.”
She reached up and put a hand over his own. “Soon we will have something to distract us from these…desires. John and Mac—they could show up any day now,” she said quietly.
He sighed deeply. “How well I know. What do you intend to do, Marybeth? If you want to stay away from them from here on, you know I’ll help you, and so will Delores and Aaron. After we reach Fort Laramie and the Gentrys get another wagon, you can use mine.”
She leaned back against his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her pressing them across her breasts as though she already belonged to him. “I think at first I had better rejoin them, just until we reach Fort Laramie and we know the Gentrys have another wagon. I will tell them I intend to continue on my own. It has to come from me, not from you or Cap or anyone else.”
His grip tightened. “I don’t like it. I don’t want you around John.”
She put a hand on his powerful forearm. “I can handle John MacKinder. I’ve done it before. The man is capable of doing a lot of foolish things in front of others, but he wouldn’t want to be known as a…a man who forces women, and that is what it would be if he tried to prove I belong to him.”
She could feel him tremble with rage at the suggestion. “I’d kill him,” he said flatly. She knew that he meant every word of it.
“I don’t want that kind of trouble, Josh. It will be all right. Give me some time to try to work it out peacefully first.”
“They don’t know the meaning of the word peaceful. John has already struck you once. What will he do when you tell him you don’t want to travel with them?”
“Nothing, as long as I stay within sight of others.”
“You be sure you do that. And you come to me the minute you need help. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I’m not afraid of John MacKinder.”
He leaned down and kissed her temple. She leaned her head back and he bent his head around and met her lips. She whimpered when his hand circled over her belly, and he moved his other hand gently across her breasts, lingering there, lightly squeezing the full breast in his big hand. The kiss grew deeper as his tongue searched her mouth and his hand moved to her other breast. She grasped his wrist then, pulling his hand away and kissing his palm. “You aren’t allowing me much room to think,” she said, her words a near gasp.
“Maybe I don’t want you to think. I just want you to feel and react and be the woman you’ve never been.”
She grasped his hand in both her own and held it against her chest. “I want the same thing. But I just can’t allow my feelings to rule over reason right now, Josh. Promise me…promise me that if for some reason nothing should come of this…you won’t think the worse of me.”
“You know me better than that by now. If something did happen to end this, how could I think the worse of you? I love you. Nothing will change that.” He turned her to face him now, holding her against him. “I love your fiery red hair, your eyes green as prairie grass in spring, your pride and courage. I need to touch you, and you need to be touched. We both need a lot more than that, and we’ll have it, Marybeth. You’ll see. You just remember to be strong when the MacKinders return—not for me or for you, but for Danny. I’ll stay away at first, but I’ll by God be watching. If John MacKinder lays one finger on you, it will be my problem then, not yours.”
“Oh, Josh, be careful,” she whispered. “I love you so. I would die if something happened to you because of me.”
Their lips met once more, then Marybeth pulled away. She searched his eyes in the moonlight, thinking what a wonderful, brave, brash man he was. She suddenly shuddered with the realization of just how dangerous it was for him to love her. It seemed so unfair that she couldn’t enjoy this newfound happiness because of the MacKinders. Her heart tightened at the thought of how John MacKinder would react if he knew she was in love with Josh Rivers, that the man had kissed her and held her and had been intimate with her.
“Josh, I…if I should decide it isn’t right—”
He grasped her arms firmly. “You know it’s right! Don’t let the thought of John MacKinder keep you from following your heart, Marybeth. Trust me.”
She closed her eyes and clung to him. “I know you would try, but—”
“No buts, Marybeth. We’re going to be together, and no MacKinder can separate us.”
She gently pulled away. “I want so much to believe that. Just promise me you will stay away at first. Let me try it my way.”
“I’ll do it, but only until we get to Fort Laramie.”
She turned away, not trusting her desires, not daring to spend one more minute alone with him. “We had better go back now.”
They reluctantly returned to the wagons, their eyes holding in love and understanding before Josh left her. Marybeth slept restlessly that night, in near pain with the want of Josh Rivers.
Dawn broke with a pink and red sky, but with a hint of rain. They ate breakfast, and Josh joined them, he and Marybeth reading each other’s thoughts, both wishing they had awakened in the arms of the other. There was a sweet, wonderful feeling between them now that ran much deeper than friendship. He had touched her breast, had crushed her against him, explored her mouth savagely and pressed himself against her in manly desire. For the first time she want
ed to give herself to a man. He had asked her to marry him when they got to Oregon, and she knew he would marry her before that if she but said the word.
Clouds soon gathered on the western horizon, and after two hours on the trail clouds also gathered on the eastern horizon—not in the sky, but at ground level. The MacKinder wagons were approaching…
Chapter Thirteen
Never had Marybeth’s heart felt heavier than when she spotted the MacKinder wagon coming. “Remember your promise to yourself and to Danny,” Delores reminded her. “You can do it, Marybeth.”
“I’m going to wait until we get to Fort Laramie to tell them. After that I’ll have a wagon to use.” The women walked together beside the Svensson wagon, and Marybeth carried Danny on her hip. Part of her wished Josh was close by, and another part of her hoped he wouldn’t come near. Right now he was hunting; he didn’t know the MacKinders had caught up and were closing in at the rear of the wagon train.
Marybeth breathed deeply, trying to find the will to walk back and greet her in-laws, finding it absurd that she could hardly bear the thought of seeing them again. The train would stop soon for the noon meal, and she would have to leave Delores.
Only minutes later, Cap called a halt, and Marybeth’s heart sank a little more. The wagons slowed, and she swallowed back a lump in her throat. “I had better get my things together. There is no sense putting this off any longer.”
Cap rode up to her then on his big mule. “You goin’ back there with the family?”
Marybeth shifted Danny in her arms. “For now.”
The old man looked her over. “I don’t want trouble, Mrs. MacKinder, but I don’t blame you for how you feel either. I know about you and Josh, and I’ll do my best to keep Josh in line, but he’s young and a little bull-headed. I reckon John MacKinder and his pa are even more bull headed, and that spells big trouble.”
“I don’t want trouble any more than you do, Cap,” she sighed. “If I could change any of it, I would.”
“Don’t you fret. I’m on your side. Right now I’m goin’ back to see if the MacKinders are in good shape, and I’m goin’ to give them a little warnin’ of my own.”
She smiled wistfully. “Thank you.”
She watched him ride to the back of the wagon train, but turned away when she heard John raising his voice about something. She climbed into the wagon and packed her things, depressed over the thought of not being able to be with Josh for a while. She climbed down and took Danny from Delores. “At least you can be alone again with your husband,” she told the woman. “I’m sorry to have put you out this way.”
“It was no problem,” Aaron told her. He walked up to her, pulling a child’s wagon behind him.
“You know you could have stayed with us for the rest of the trip,” Delores told her.
“Here,” Aaron told her, handing her the handle of the wagon. “A gift from us.”
Marybeth frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“I bought it—from Stu Ellerbee. He didn’t want anything at all for it, but I wanted to give him something. It belonged to his youngest son, who died of the cholera. He said he would be glad to see someone get some use out of it—another little boy. It is for Danny. Until he is big enough to play with it himself, you can use it to pull him instead of carrying him. I know John and Mac seldom let you ride in the wagon with the boy, and you don’t like to leave him in there alone. But you can’t be always carrying him, Marybeth. He’s getting too heavy. You’ll have a broken back climbing these hills.”
Her eyes teared. “Oh, Aaron! What a wonderful idea! Oh, thank you so much!”
“It is my pleasure.”
She looked up at him, seeing the same gentleness in his eyes she often saw in Josh’s. Yes, Delores was a happy and a very lucky woman. “I will pray for both of you,” she told them. “I hope you make it safely to Oregon.”
“Well, we will see plenty of you the rest of the way,” Delores answered with a reassuring smile. “You will still come and walk with me, won’t you?”
“I’ll try; but we’ve lost our place in line now and we’re so far behind you.”
“It won’t matter during the day. Besides, soon you will be in your own wagon and you can do whatever you want.”
Marybeth saw John MacKinder approaching and her heart sank. “I hope you’re right, Delores.” She put Danny into the wooden wagon, which had high sides on it that would keep him from falling out. She stuffed blankets around him to help him stay in a sitting position, then put in the rest of her belongings. She cringed when she heard John’s voice.
“What kind of an ungrateful in-law are you,” he growled, ignoring Aaron. “We have been away all this time, and when we return you do not even come back to see if we are all right.”
Marybeth rose and faced him, looking him over. “You look just fine to me. I couldn’t imagine that a MacKinder would be anything but all right. I had to wait until the wagons stopped so I could pack our things.” She faced him squarely. “I don’t suppose it occurred to you to come and see if Danny and I are all right. Didn’t Cap tell you about the cholera? A lot of people died—women and children mostly. Poor Florence Gentry lost two children. Abel and Henrietta Lake lost all four of theirs and headed back east. Stu Ellerbee lost a son. Aaron bought this wagon from him so I could use it for Danny and not have to carry him all the time.”
John frowned, looking darkly at Aaron. “What am I owing you?”
“Nothing,” Aaron answered, his own blue eyes hard and angry. “It is a gift to Marybeth.”
“We do not accept gifts.”
“For heaven’s sake, John, thank the man,” Marybeth said disgustedly.
John noticed others watching them. “Thank you,” he growled.
“I need no thanks, and it was not up to you whether or not to accept it. It is for Marybeth and the boy, not for you. Marybeth has already thanked me, and sincerely, not as though it sets bitter in her stomach.”
John gave Aaron one last look, then turned and stormed away. “Hurry it up, Marybeth,” he ordered over his shoulder.
Marybeth looked apologetically at Delores and Aaron. “It is all right,” Delores told her. “We understand. Be strong, Marybeth. We are behind you.”
Marybeth turned away, pulling the wagon behind her. It was heavy with her belongings, but she got no offer of help from John or Mac, both of whom watched her approach. When she reached the camp site, she saw the look of anger that still lingered in Mac’s eyes. “Did you enjoy your little vacation?” he sneered by way of greeting.
Marybeth met his eyes boldly. “Yes,” she answered. “It was quite peaceful.”
“I suppose you’re going to be even harder to put up with now that the rest of them have spoiled you and put ideas in your head.”
“I have no ideas in my head I didn’t already have before you so stupidly drove the wagon into the river.”
“You watch your mouth,” John told her. She saw how his eyes moved over her. “In spite of your sass and the fact that you are not happy to see us, I will say that you are a fine sight to me.” He grinned. “I think when we get to Fort Laramie, maybe we can find a priest. They say there are priests out here who administer to the Indians.”
Marybeth pulled the little wagon to the MacKinder wagon and unloaded her things. “We won’t be needing a priest. I am not even sure I will be staying with you the whole trip.”
Mac rose. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Marybeth wondered where her courage came from. Inside, her heart pounded so furiously she thought she would faint. “I am talking about possibly using a spare wagon left when the Sleiters died.” Ella looked up from the fire in surprise at Marybeth’s bold remark. “I don’t suppose any of you is interested in what happened to the Sleiters, or who was affected by the cholera,” Marybeth continued.
“And just how would you get by—a woman with a baby and no money,” Mac asked her, obviously as unconcerned about the tragedies others had suffered as M
arybeth thought he would be.
“I would find a way. Anything would be better than what I have to put up with from you and John.”
Mac grabbed her arm painfully, jerking her around. Her head snapped back at the sudden movement, and she felt the sting on her face before she realized Mac even had his hand up. Those closest to the MacKinder wagon gasped and walked away, and whispered word quickly spread that Mac had struck his daughter-in-law.
“I knew it would be this way when we caught up with you,” Mac hissed at Marybeth. “This is why I did not want you to go on with the others!” She could smell whiskey on his breath. “I told you that you would not leave this family with Danny. If you want to go marching off on your own, woman, you will do it alone! It will be no other way, even if we have to break off from this wagon train. Do you understand? We’ve done it for the last two weeks, and we can do it again if we have to. I don’t like Cap coming back here warning us he wants no trouble, you hear? I don’t know what went on while we were gone, but I don’t like the fact that you didn’t even bother to come and see us when we returned.”
“Why should I have,” Marybeth seethed. “For this?” She jerked away from him. “You can’t treat me this way, Mac.”
“You’re family. You’re a MacKinder, and I’ll treat you any way I like when you threaten to take away my grandson! You remember the boy still sucks at his mother’s breast. That means wherever he goes, you go—and Danny MacKinder stays with us!”
The man stormed off, grabbing a bottle of whiskey. Bill Stone sat at the campfire waiting for Ella to give him something to eat. He glanced at Marybeth, a sly grin on his face.
John stepped in front of her. “You remember what Father said. You are back with us now, and this is where you stay. I have told Father how I feel about you, Marybeth. In spite of your sassiness, I still want to marry you. Dan never should have been allowed. I was the one who wanted you all along, and that is how it will be.” He held a big, powerful fist in front of her face. “You remember that. Anyone who objects will feel this, even if it means having to leave this train. It might be the last thing he feels. You tell that to Cap and Aaron Svensson and anyone else who thinks he is going to help you!”
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