She stopped and gasped, putting her head down on the edge of the bed, her lips against his hand. “Darling Josh, you’ve got to live—for me. Don’t make me watch another grave being dug—for someone I love more than my own life.”
He managed to open his hand, and he moved it to touch her hair as she lay weeping at the side of the bed.
“My poor…Marybeth.” He again fought his own tears. “You know I’ll try, Marybeth.”
“I know you will!” She looked at him, wiping at tears. “You said it yourself, Josh. You said we were meant to be together. Surely God will make you well and bring you out to me.” She put his hand to her cheek. “I don’t want to leave you, Josh. It will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I don’t feel right about it.”
He took her hand. “It is the…right thing, Marybeth. You have to take…care of yourself—and our baby—for me.”
“I will. And I’ll pray for you constantly, Josh.” She raised up, leaning over him. “I can’t bear the thought of you lying here all alone and in pain.”
He managed to muster a grin. “I’m—a big boy.”
“Oh, Josh, you know what I mean.”
He held her eyes, longing to stand up and embrace her fully, comfort her. “I’ll rest a lot…easier…knowing you’re with people who…care about you. You do like Cap tells you.”
She leaned closer and kissed his lips lightly. “I love you so much, Josh. I need you. And I know you need me.”
“That’s why…I want you to go. If you stay here…something could happen to you—and then I’d have…no reason to go on living.”
The door opened, and Delores came in with a tray, a bowl of broth sitting on it. “Is it all right to come in?”
“Yes.” Marybeth straightened and blew her nose and wiped at her eyes. “He’s talking, Delores. I think—maybe he can try eating.”
“That’s what Cap said. Are you all right, Marybeth?”
She met Delores’s eyes. “Everyone tells me—I have to go on to Oregon with the rest of you. How can I leave him behind, Delores?”
“Because it’s best for you and Danny and the baby. Everyone knows that, including Josh.” She came closer to the bed and looked down at him. “You agree, don’t you Josh?”
“That’s just what I’ve been…telling her.”
“There, you see?” Delores set the tray down on a table. “I’ll let you feed him, Marybeth. Do you need me to stay?”
“No. I’ll be all right. Thank you so much, Delores. You’ve all done so much for me. I feel so guilty.”
“Don’t be silly. You’re our friend. If the tables were turned, you would do the same for us.” She looked at Josh, trying to hide her horror at his gaunt, deathly palor. “Now you get some food in you. Nothing solid, mind you. Just broth. Try to finish it even if you don’t feel like it. You’ll never get better without something in your stomach.” She touched his arm. “We all love you, Josh. And we’ll all be waiting for you in Oregon. I know you’re going to make it.”
“I’ll…do my best.”
Delores left, holding back her tears until she was well away from the building.
Marybeth and Danny slept together on the feather mattress on the floor the second night. Marybeth was so exhausted from so many nights with hardly any sleep, that even her worry over Josh could not keep her awake.
Josh watched them both, wanting to weep at the possibility of never being a proper husband to Marybeth again. They had had such a short time together. He tried to understand why this had happened, how God could have let it happen. It was torture not being able to lie with Marybeth, to love her, provide for her, protect her. And he had already established such a close relationship with Danny, who needed a father. Would he ever be a proper father to the boy, be able to take him fishing and hunting, to teach him how to ride a horse? Right now just trying to move his arms was torture. He had wanted Marybeth to sleep beside him, but the moment she sat down on the bed, the shifting movement brought him too much pain.
All he could do was lie there and watch her sleep, so beautiful, her arm around her baby boy. He loved her all the more now for carrying his seed, and he could only pray he would live to see the fruit of that seed, and to be a father to his son or daughter. He clenched his fists, promising himself he would live and he would walk again.
The day and night had gone by too quickly. There had been too little time to get a good look at her, to instill in his mind every feature, to remember her voice, the feel of her hair, remember her smile. He had moved fitfully in and out of sleep brought on by the laudanum he had taken for pain, and they had not been able to talk as much as he would have liked.
All too soon the sun peeked through the one window of the room. He hated waking her, but the dreaded time had come, and he wanted to be sure she got in that wagon and kept going.
“Marybeth,” he called. How he hated doing this! He would have to be as brave about her going as she. It would be torture for her to leave him, and torture for him to let her go. At the moment he felt like a frightened young boy, unable to admit his fear to anyone else. How he would love it if she could stay with him, be the one to change his bandages and bathe him and talk to him in his low moments.
He needed that love and care so much right now, but his love for her was much too deep to allow his own selfish needs to come before what he knew was best for Marybeth and Danny. He practiced smiling. He would have to be as cheerful as possible this morning, to assure her he would be perfectly all right without her. He had met Frank Powers, liked the man; but being cared for by a grizzly mountain man who was also a total stranger was not going to give him the love and support he needed so badly right now.
He breathed deeply, feeling a little ill again. He told himself to quit giving in to the pain, and to his childish need of Marybeth. He called her name again, and this time she stirred. “It’s dawn,” he told her, his voice weak.
She sat up, her green eyes filled with terrible grief. “Already?” She got up, agonizing over the fact that the wagon train was leaving today. Oh, for just one more day, just one more! She said nothing, afraid if she tried to carry on a conversation she would start screaming. She washed her face and brushed her hair, changed Danny and fed him. She set him in the middle of the mattress then, handing him a tin cup and a spoon while she tended to Josh. The boy stuck the cup over his nose and mouth and made noises into it, laughing at the sound.
“I’ll shave you,” Marybeth told Josh, taking a razor from the gear Cap had brought in from Josh’s horse and pack horse. “The water is barely warm, but with enough soapy lather, I can probably do a reasonable job.”
“Just don’t cut me,” he answered. “I’ve…lost enough blood.”
She smiled and got everything ready. She gently but firmly shaved off a six-day-old stubble.
“Where did you learn this,” he asked.
“Dan. He said it was a woman’s duty.”
“Well, not in my book. When I’m able I won’t make you shave me. I can take care of myself.”
“Oh, how well I know that.” She gently turned his head and trimmed his sideburns. “I’m glad you said ‘when I’m able.’ At least you’re planning on living.”
“You think I’d let…anything keep me from you and Danny? I’ll live all right. Question is…will I be able to walk?”
“Of course you will.” She tried to keep her voice positive. “Father O’Grady said we were blessed. God will make you well, Josh.”
“Do me a favor—write my sister. She should…know, but not not till spring. Wait and see, Marybeth. If you write her now, she’ll just worry. Might as well wait to see whether you should…tell her I’m dead—or alive.”
Marybeth gently washed his face. “Just a moment ago you had no doubt you would live. You had better make up your mind, Josh Rivers.” She pulled back the covers and began gently washing him as best she could without disturbing him too much, and to his embarrassment, she changed the towels on which he lay. She did it al
l so willingly, so lovingly.
Soon Cap was there to check his bandages again. He and Marybeth got Josh’s head and shoulders elevated against a mound of animal skins Cap brought with him. “I seen a man die once just from layin’ flat on his back too long,” Cap told them. “Somethin’ about the lungs gettin’ full of water. I heard that from a doctor on another wagon train once. I sure wish there had been one on this one. I got no idea if I did anything right. But I know you’re best off sittin’ up more, Josh.”
Delores brought more broth, which was the only form of food Josh could manage to keep down for now. Cap assured him Frank had promised he would be well cared for, and that there were plenty of supplies at the fort to get them through winter.
“I’m damn sorry, Josh,” the man said. “We’ve got to keep goin’, but there will be times when nobody can be inside the wagons, and you’ve got to be someplace where you won’t be moved around, or bounced around in no wagon. You’ve got to be as still as you can be the next few weeks. You understand, don’t you?”
Josh swallowed some broth Marybeth fed him. “I understand, Cap. You just see that…Marybeth gets there safely. That’s…all I care about.”
“You know I’ll do that. And next spring I’m comin’ back here for you. Whether you’re walkin’ or not, I’m takin’ you to Marybeth. I promised her.”
Josh looked at her and kept a look of confidence. “I’ll be walking.”
“That’s the spirit, boy,” Cap told him. He reached out and put a hand on Josh’s shoulder. “All your personal supplies are here in the room, and your horses will be kept here. You can trust Frank, Josh. He won’t do you wrong.”
“If you…recommend him…I’m not worried.”
Cap looked at Marybeth. “We’ve got to get goin’,” he told her. “Fifteen more minutes, Marybeth. That’s all I can allow. I’m sorry.”
To Marybeth it was like a death sentence. She felt as though either she or Josh were going to the gallows. “All right, Cap.”
Cap squeezed Josh’s shoulder. “Good-bye, Josh. Thanks for all the help you’ve been. I’ll see you come spring.”
He caught the tears in Josh’s own eyes, realized how frightened the man had to be deep inside. “Bye, Cap. Take…good care of…my wife.”
Cap nodded, unable to say any more. He turned and left, and Josh met Marybeth’s beautiful green eyes, studying them intently, wanting to never forget them.
Marybeth’s throat ached so badly it was difficult to speak. She realized with horrible reality that this could be the last time she set eyes on her husband, and even at that, she was not looking at the vibrant, handsome man she had married. He was ravaged with pain and infection, and he looked it. His skin was sallow, his eyes dark and sunken, and already he looked thinner. “I’ve seen men hang on for up to two weeks and still die,” Josh had said.
She set aside the broth and grasped his hand. “Josh, no matter what happens, you’ve made me the happiest woman alive,” she told him. “I wouldn’t trade the last six weeks for all the riches in the world. You’re the only man I’ve ever truly loved or ever will.” A tear slipped out of her eye. “And if it weren’t for Danny, and the baby I’m carrying, I would never consider leaving you here like this. I don’t care what horrible things might happen to me. It wouldn’t matter.”
He squeezed her hand. “I know. I realize you’re only going because of the baby…and Danny. Believe me, Marybeth, I want you to go. I’ll…rest a lot easier. You’ve got Delores and Aaron…the Gentrys…Cap. They’ll all take good care…of you. And that makes me feel…a lot better.” He ran a thumb over the back of her hand. “I’m going to make it, Marybeth. And…I’m going to come to Oregon on my own…riding my own horse…walking on my own two legs. You’ll see.”
She wanted to weep openly, but she knew that this was not a time to show her absolute despair. He needed her to be strong, and from the trace of tears in his own eyes, she realized he was being strong for her in return.
There was a knock on the door then, and Delores came inside, followed by Aaron, the Gentrys, the Peterses, Ray and Lillith Cornwall, Ben Harper and Devon. Some of them had to struggle not to show their shock and sorrow over the way Josh looked.
“We came to tell you we’ll be praying for you every day, Josh,” Ray told him. “Don’t think you’re alone after we leave. We’ll all be with you in spirit.” He looked at Marybeth. “Marybeth, we’d like to pray together here, right now, for Josh’s recovery. With all this prayer power, how can he not recover?”
Marybeth kept hold of Josh’s hand. “Thank you, Ray.” The man took hold of Josh’s other hand, then reached out and took his wife’s hand. They formed a circle of hands, Florence completing the circle and taking Marybeth’s other hand. Devon stood off alone, not one to join in white men’s worship. Ray prayed fervently for their “brother in spirit” who had been a “good servant of God.” By the time he finished Marybeth’s heart was lifted, especially by the fact that all these Protestants had prayed for a Catholic woman and her husband.
“Thank you all—for coming,” Josh told them. “I’ll be with you—when you cross those mountains and rivers. Good luck to all of you, and…take care of…Marybeth.”
“You know we will, Josh,” Aaron told him. “I look forward to seeing you again next spring, friend. I am going to look for some good land for you right next to where I settle so we can all be together again once you get to Oregon.”
Josh managed a smile. “Thanks, Aaron. I…look forward to it too.”
They all said their good-byes and filed out. Delores held Danny, leaning close to Josh so the boy could give him a sloppy kiss. “Ba-ba, Zosh,” he said, waving a fat, dimpled hand.
“Good-bye—son,” Josh answered. “You…be a good boy…for your mama.” Aaron picked up the feather mattress and Marybeth’s blankets, and left. Marybeth leaned over Josh.
“Wherever I am, Josh, no matter how many miles are between us, I am with you. Always remember that. Please don’t let yourself feel lonely, because you will never be alone.”
A tear finally slipped down his cheek. “Neither…will you, Marybeth.”
“We will always be together in spirit—always.” Even if you never make it to Oregon, she thought, but did not say aloud. She chastised herself for thinking it. Surely the prayers of so many people would make him well. “I love you, Josh.”
He searched her eyes. “And I love you—more than anything—anyone. More than my own life.”
She leaned down and kissed him lightly. He wanted to kiss her back in his old, teasing way, to grab her and roll her over, feel her pressed against him, make love to her. But that might never be. At least his seed had taken hold in her womb and at least one child would come of their union.
“See you…in the spring—Mrs. Rivers,” he told her, giving her his best smile and a wink.
“I’ll be waiting.”
Her heart sank when the door opened and Frank stepped inside. “Cap says you’ve got to go now, ma’am,” he told Marybeth. “I’m sorry.”
She did not look at him. She leaned down and kissed Josh once more, more tears coming now, her voice shaking. “I love you, Josh. I love you.”
“Go ahead…get going,” he told her, hoping he could hold back his own tears until she was gone. “I…love you too. I’ll see you…in the spring. I promise. I…haven’t broken a promise to you…yet…have I?”
She kissed his cheek and rose. “No. And I’ll be waiting, Josh. I’ll be waiting.” The lump in her throat was so huge she wondered where her next breath would come from. She turned and gathered her things, looking at him once more but saying nothing, then hurried out, bursting into tears as she did so. Frank walked closer to Josh.
“Sorry, friend. You need anything right now?”
Josh closed his eyes. “Yeah. I need to be left alone—before I make a…fool of myself in front of…another man.”
Frank smiled sadly. “Sure. I’ll check on you later.” He reached down and pressed Jos
h’s shoulder. “She’s a fine woman, a good reason for you to get yourself well and get on to Oregon.”
The man turned and left, and Josh heard Cap shouting for the wagon train to get under way. Men shouted and cursed and cracked their whips at the oxen, and minutes later the voices and the sounds of wagons and animals faded. Josh could not stop the tears then, glad there was no one to see them.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Marybeth’s grief was overwhelming. To her, leaving Josh behind felt as if she had buried him and had to leave his grave behind. She had watched the log building where he lay until it was no longer visible, and then had come the wracking sobs so devastating that Florence had had to hold her up as they walked. Nothing anyone could say would comfort her.
The only thing that kept her going in the days that followed was Josh’s own promise that he would come to her in the spring, and the fact that he was still alive at all. But sleep did not come easily. Every night she lay listening to the wolves and other night sounds, shivering against the cold night air, remembering how unafraid and how warm she had been lying in Josh Rivers’ arms.
“If you follow your heart, God will bless you for it,” Father O’Grady had told them. Her faith and the priest’s blessing were all she had now. Every night she went to bed with her rosary, praying to the Virgin Mary over the beads, clinging to her religion, the only source of hope and sanity for her. She hoped she would find a Catholic church in Portland, and a priest who could offer up prayers in Josh’s behalf.
The wagons rolled ever farther away from Josh, along dangerous roads that wound back up into high mountains. Marybeth thought how much more beautiful this country would be for her if Josh were along to enjoy it with her. Never had she seen such grand views, such color. Never had she been in a place that seemed so close to heaven. She prayed that come spring, Josh would see all of this, would ride through here on his own horse, vital and healthy again.
The Bride Series (Omnibus Edition) Page 106
