by Tina Martin
So, I did as I was told. I packed my bags and I left. Honestly, I was tired of the madness. It was time for my life to return to normal.
Chapter 23 - Back to Basics
November 2004
Two months later, I was nicely settled back into my cozy one-bedroom apartment. It felt good to be back in my home, and I wasn’t going to trip off of Sean. I’ll admit it was hard for the first few weeks, but eventually, I got back into the swing of things. Sean wanted me out, so I got out. Simple as that. It did hurt me the way he just threw me out as if I had done some unthinkable wrong against him. But that’s how men like Sean are, and in their eyes, women are in no way equals I concluded. I felt like I was banished from his house, never to see Roman again.
I was sitting on my five-year-old couch with my legs propped up, tuned into Lifetime Movie Network when Keisha called.
“Hey, girl,” she said.
“Hey, Keisha. What’s up?”
“Guess who I ran into today?”
In the back of my mind, I knew she was going to say Sean. I just knew it. I played it off because I didn’t want to say the man’s name. And what if she wasn’t even talking about Sean? Then she would conclude I was sitting around miserable, thinking about him. So, I played her game.
“Who?”
“Guess,” she insisted.
“Keisha, just tell me.”
“Okay. He’s tall, handsome, has black hair…”
I hated when Keisha did that to me. She could have just came out and told me who it was, but nooo…she had to make a spectacle of this mystery person and play a game of telephone charades.
“Denzel Washington! Did you get his autograph for me? You know I love me some Denzel.”
She laughed. “Nah, you know I’m not talking about Denzel.”
“Who you talking about then?”
“Sean.”
“Oh. Okay.” She could’ve just left it at that. I didn’t want to know anything about the guy. I didn’t care to hear nothing he had to say. So, for the rest of the conversation, I had made up my mind that I would tune Keisha out and say unh huh to everything she told me from that point on about Sean so she could think I was listening to her.
“He was looking good, too, girl…”
“Unh huh.”
“Looks like his hair grew out a little.”
“Unh huh.”
“He asked me where you were and what you were doing.”
That caught my attention. Why would Sean want to know where I am after so long?
“And what did you tell him?”
“I told him that you were fine and still teaching.”
“Okay.”
“From the way he talked, it seems as if he misses you. It’s like that’s all he wanted to talk about was you. So I said, ‘Maybe you should call her sometimes’.”
“You did what!”
“I told him to call you.”
“I don’t know why you told him that…like I’m going to answer a phone call from him.”
“Oh, come on, Monica. I know you miss him, just a little bit at least.”
“Okay, maybe I do, but I don’t want to talk to him.”
Keisha laughed. “Girl, you crazy. Whatcha doing anyway?”
“Lying on the couch watching a Lifetime movie. I’ve been watching movies all day.”
Precisely at that moment, I wondered what Roman was doing. I felt guilty about leaving him behind, but I had to get out like his father demanded. Then I got serious with Keisha.
“You know, it’s crazy how you think someone likes you and then they talk to you like you’re a nobody.”
“You talking about Sean?”
“Yeah, and to think he actually told me that he loved me.” I chuckled. “He just turned out to be another lying man.”
“Well, love is tricky. And you know what they say. There’s a thin line between love and hate.”
“Yeah, I know. But again, it just proves that men are no good.”
“Whoa. You took it there.”
“I mean, seriously. Why would he tell me that he loves me and then turn around and kick me out of his house?”
“I don’t know, Monica. Have you taken into account that it’s a possibility you actually hurt the man?”
“Hurt him? How?”
“By pushing him and Roman aside to go and look for Eric?”
“I hadn’t even officially started looking for Eric back then. I was just considering it.”
“Okay, so maybe he felt rejected.”
I didn’t care what he felt. I just wanted to drop the conversation. I needed to get off the phone as soon as possible without hanging up on the girl.
“Well, I’m going to get back to this movie. Talk to you later.”
When I hung up, all I could do was lie there and think about Sean. I hadn’t seen him since he kicked me out. I missed his family – Roman, Warren, Derrick, Nikki, and his mom Victoria. I missed them all. In the midst of my mediocre relationship with Sean, I’d somehow become a part of the family. And they felt like my family. I loved them. They were the family that I never had.
I RAN INTO Warren at the Pic’ N Save at Midtown Shopping Center, where I normally did my grocery shopping every two weeks. From a distance, I couldn’t tell if it was Warren or Sean, but when he smiled, I knew it was Warren. He was always happier than Sean, and I doubt Sean would smile if he seen me.
“Hey, Warren!”
“Hey, Monica. How you been?”
Warren walked up to me and squeezed me tight. It was the first time I’d seen him in a couple of months.
“I’m doing good and yourself?”
“I can’t complain.”
“Okay. How’s the family?”
“Ah…let’s see…Derrick just got a new girlfriend. I know you’re not surprised. Nikki is doing good. She just got back from Vegas. Mom is okay. And Roman is a handful, as always. He misses you. We all do.”
I peeped right away that Warren didn’t mention anything about Sean. It was almost as if he wanted me to ask about him. I felt like he was testing me to see if I still gave two cents about his brother. However, I didn’t ask.
He continued. “Oh, and Sean…let me just say that I wish you would come back, because he hasn’t been happy since you left.”
He wasn’t happy while I was there, I thought to myself. Then I asked Warren, “Why is it that you think I’m the reason he’s not happy?”
Warren smiled. “I already know you’re the reason. Ever since you left, he’s been…he’s been…quiet.”
“Quiet?”
“Yeah. Before you moved in, he had the same demeanor. He was always quiet and reserved. We thought it was because of Dad dying…then his divorce, but when you moved in the house to babysit, he changed. He was happy. Now, he’s not.”
“Well, I can’t help that. He did kick me out. And even if I was still living there, I don’t see myself being his direct source of happiness. That’s a little crazy, don’t you think?”
“Maybe, maybe not. But I told you before you left Sean didn’t mean any of that stuff he told you. He was talking out of anger. Now, he realizes he made a mistake.”
What was I supposed to do? Go running back to Sean like nothing ever happened between us? That definitely was not going down.
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that, Warren. I wish you all the best.”
Ready to be up out of there, I gripped the handle on my shopping cart to move on down the cereal aisle and my eyes caught sight of a box of Fruit Loops, one of Roman’s favorites. It made me think about him…and how much I missed seeing his cute little face every morning, how he cooked blueberry pancakes for me, and most of all, how he called me mommy. I missed him so much, I felt like crying in that store. But I took a deep breath and kept it all in.
“Monica!” Warren called out to me.
I was halfway down the aisle. I turned around and he was coming towards me with his shopping cart.
Warren looked me in the eyes
and asked, “Do you love him?”
Warren never asked me that before. It was awkward enough to hold conversations this deep about Sean with Warren, but at the moment, it was even harder since I was already fighting back tears from missing Roman. Asking me if I loved his brother was an intense moment for me, and my mother didn’t raise me to be a liar. So, I had one of two options – tell Warren I did love his brother, or flip the script back to him. I chose the latter.
“Ah…ah…Why are you asking me that?”
“Because right now you’re acting like you don’t care about him.”
“Why should I care about him after what he did to me?”
“I’m not trying to get you upset in this store, but you did things, too. You can’t put it all on Sean. I mean, come on, Monica…you have to take responsibility for your actions, too.”
Warren was right. Had I answered the phone that night when Sean was blowing me up like I was running a call center, our relationship would not have ended the way it did.
“You’re right, Warren. I can’t argue with you about that one. I’ve come to respect you for your knowledge. And I care about Sean. I really do.”
That was the truth. I did care about him. For a short while, Sean and I had briefly bonded mentally, and it almost turned physical, but things just ended on a sour note that neither of us could have predicted.
“Then I tell you what. Mom and I are throwing a party for him tomorrow night. He just won some award or something, and we’re giving him a surprise party to try and cheer him up a lil’ bit. Why don’t you come thru? I’m sure he would be glad to see you.”
I had to take a minute to think about his invite. I didn’t want the words no way to just come blurting out of my mouth so quickly.
“Warren, I ca….” Before I could say can’t, he cut me off. He must have known what I was going to say.
“Monica, please. I know you’re still mad at Sean, but can you come for me?”
I could see the genuineness in his eyes. I still wanted to say no, but I liked Warren. He was a very open, honest-hearted person, and I could respect a man like him. I just wished more of those qualities fell into Sean’s gene pool.
“Okay. I’ll come.”
His face brightened up. “Thank you, Monica. I know he’ll be happy to see you.”
Yeah, right. Why would he be happy to see me? The man had it in for me. In Sean’s eyes, I could never do anything right.
“What should I wear? Where is it going to be?”
“It’s going to be at Sean’s crib…formal wear. We’re expecting about sixty people.”
“Okay.”
“So I’m going to see you there, right?” Warren asked for further confirmation.
“Yes, Warren, I’ll be there. I’m a woman of my word.”
“Ah’ight. I’ll be looking for you.”
“Okay.”
We embraced and went our separate ways.
I was a little apprehensive about the whole ordeal, but I didn’t want to disappoint Warren. He had been nothing but nice to me. Now it was time for me to return the favor.
Chapter 24 - The Party
I decided to go to his party, but only because Warren asked me to and it would give me the opportunity to see Roman. I did not get a chance to give him a proper goodbye when I left, so to get that chance to talk to him was a plus. I wore a bright-white, square-neck top and a black skirt that fell just below my knees. My four-inch black, ankle strap Nine West stilettos made my outfit hot. My hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and I wrapped it up neatly in one cute little ball so my ponytail didn’t swing. That was my sophisticated look. I didn’t want to wear my hair down. I knew Sean liked that, and it wasn’t my aim to turn him on in any way.
I had forgotten to ask Warren what time the party was popping off, so I showed up around seven-thirty. Cars lined the driveway. Even the side streets were full of his visitors. That’s how I knew I was late. Walking up to the door, I could hear and feel the vibrations of the music playing. The volume rushed to greet me when I opened the door. It looked like the place had been transformed into a local Milwaukee hotspot.
As soon as I walked in, I saw Warren sitting with Sean. Our eyes met instantly, mine and Sean’s, but I kept it short and looked away. My mind was made up – I wasn’t going to talk to him tonight. That was my plan. If he would apologize to me, maybe I would consider having a little conversation with him. Maybe.
“Hey, Ms. Monica.” Warren walked up and gave me a hug. “I didn’t think you were going to make it.”
I had to talk loud so Warren could hear me over Kevin Lyttle’s “Turn Me On”. “I forgot to ask you what time it started. So, I just took a guess.”
“That’s okay. I’m just glad you’re here. You look beautiful.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. So anyway, Mom is over there with Nikki. There’s an open bar near the dining room. Go mingle. I’m sure I’ll run into you later.”
“Okay.”
My first order of business was finding the open bar. A drink would help calm my nerves, and my nerves needed to be calmed, especially if Sean was going to be staring at me all night. Since I would pass Nikki and Victoria on the way to get alcohol, I didn’t want to be rude, so I walked over to them and they greeted me with hugs.
“I missed you guys. How are you?” I asked them with my eyes on the bartender. I needed to get over there and fast.
“We’re doing good,” Nikki said. “How ‘bout yourself?”
“I’m doing okay.” I’ll be a lot better if I can get a drink, or two, or three.
“You’re looking good, too, girl. I like that blouse.”
“Thanks, Nikki.”
“Monica,” Victoria said, getting my attention, “did you see Sean?”
I see where her mind was. Of course, I had seen Sean. The guy was sitting two tables away from us, staring at me like I was the next best thing since chocolate. I turned to look at him only to satisfy Victoria’s curiosity, and when I did, his bright green eyes were set on me like I was the only person in the room. He sat there twirling a glass of champagne like he was trying to be cool.
“Yeah, I see him, Victoria.”
“Why don’t you go over and talk to him?” Victoria was being a typical mother. Sean, however, didn’t need his mom fighting battles for him. He held his own.
“I don’t think that’ll be a good idea. I probably shouldn’t even be here. I feel uncomfortable now.”
“No, don’t say that. We really miss you around here,” Nikki said, as she grabbed my hand to intensify the sincerity of her words. “Loosen up a bit. You want something to drink?”
Finally! Now I can make a mad dash to the bar. Thank you, Nikki. Thank you.
“Yeah. I’m going to get a drink. I’ll be right back.”
I downed a shot of Tequila at the bar and then ordered a rum and coke before going back to the table to join them.
“You know, Monica, it’s really been different around here without you. And Roman…”
Anxious to know where he was, I cut Nikki off. “Where is Roman?”
“He’s upstairs sleeping.”
I stood up. “I’m going to go up and see him.”
I dismissed myself from the table, danced my way through the dance floor, and went upstairs. I didn’t care that Sean’s eyes were fixated on me. I wanted to see Roman. When I peeped into his room, I could see him lying there quietly. I tipped closer to the bed, kneeled down, and rubbed my hands across his soft little face. It surprised me that he could sleep so soundly with all the commotion downstairs.
I missed Roman. I wanted to spend some time with him again. But it was too late for wishes. I kissed him on the cheek and softly whispered I love you, Roman in his ear. When I got up to walk out of the room, Sean was standing right there at the door. He was quiet and his face lacked expression. He wore a black, windowpane plaid suit with a crisp white shirt and sea green necktie that brought out the radiance of his eyes. St
ill, I didn’t know what he wanted with me. He just stood there, and though I am a talented individual, I was in no way a mind reader. So, I proceeded to walk past him, and when I did, he extended his hands to rest just above my hips.
“Monica, I’m sorry.”
For a brief moment, I felt that spark in my heart that wanted to ignite. I wanted to grab that man and squeeze him as tightly as I could in my arms. But the game had been played and I was not about to play it again. Sean didn’t want me. If he did, he would not have thrown me out of his house. He would have been more understanding when it came to my personal crisis with Eric. Sean was too focused on his own life to recognize the issues that plagued me.
“Sean, what are you doing?”
“I’m apologizing to you.” He rubbed my arms up and down with his strong hands.
“For what? Throwing me out of your house?”
“It wasn’t like that, Monica.”
“Then what was it like, Sean. Your exact words to me were, get your stuff and get out of my house. And get your hands off of me! Don’t touch me!”
I pushed his hands away from me and walked past him. He hurried to catch me and grabbed my hand before I could make it to the stairs at the end of the hallway.
“Sean, let me go!”
“No. You need to listen to me.”
I pushed and pulled, but I could not wiggle free from him. That made me angrier.
I yelled louder, “Sean, let me go!”
“Just wait a minute, ah’ight!”
I stopped struggling to get free just to hear what he had to say.
“I didn’t mean anything I told you that night, Monica. I was talking out of anger.”
“Well, you know what, Sean? Now’s my turn to be angry. I’m out.” I pushed his hands away from me and headed for the stairs.
“Monica, I’m not going to lose you again.”
For him to make such a bold statement like that would imply he had me, and he didn’t have me. Maybe he was referring to the babysitting gig, but still he didn’t have me.
