by Ashley Munoz
Dad was looking up at me, as he answered, “I think after the new year. As it is, I am letting her upgrade the entire place as much as she wants, but she hasn’t figured out why yet. She’s fair with the money, though; even though it’s not her own, she’s careful. That’s how I know she’s the right one, because once she knows it’s hers, she will just make it even better.”
I smiled at him. Just thinking of Ramsey made me smile. “Yeah, that sounds like her.”
He suddenly got serious and reached for my hand. “Son, be careful with her and take your time. Please don’t scare her off. She is important to me and the kids as much as she is to you.”
I looked down at his hand and then looked at his eyes. I knew this was one of those big moments, one that I would remember a long time from now once he left this earth, but I couldn’t help feeling irritated at his implication.
And before I knew what was happening, I opened my mouth and blurted, “Dad, I love her.”
Even as the words left my mouth, I felt a settling in my gut, deep down inside where those words would fall like seeds and grow into something bigger than I could imagine. This was the first time that I had said the words out loud and I knew they were true, but it didn’t change the fact that my brain was now taking off in fight-or-flight mode.
Loving Ramsey made me vulnerable, loving her made me scared, loving her made it possible for her to hurt me, or hurt my kids. My dad must have noticed my battle because he gripped my hand until I looked him in the eyes.
With a soft voice, he reassured me, “She’s different, son, she isn’t Lisa. Ramsey has been looking for where she belongs her entire life, and she found it here with us. I know it. Just be careful with her heart when she gives it to you, and you will be okay.”
I smiled and nodded at him, but my throat was closing up at the thought of being hurt again, and worse, by someone that had taken me so off guard like Ramsey. This whole Sip N Sides business information was at the forefront of my mind. She knew, and she kept it from me after I specifically asked her about it. Why did she hide it, what else is she hiding? My brain went on and on, in a vicious cycle until the only thought that I could think was—Ramsey was capable of lying to me. That thought started to war with my feelings of love towards her. I had to get out of there.
I stood up and grabbed my jacket, looking over my shoulder, I threw out a quick question to Dad, but I knew he wasn’t going anywhere, so it was mostly for respect, “I’m heading out Dad. Would you mind staying with the kids, and doing dinner? I won't be back for a while.”
I didn’t wait for him to respond. I opened the garage door, found my boots, and got on my bike. I needed to clear my head, or purge my heart, one or the other, but either way, I was not falling for someone who could lie to me. I couldn’t do it again, I wouldn’t survive.
The beauty day with Mom was a total success. We found her three new hats, some new shoes, some new outfits, we did our nails, and finished our night with the most delicious fish amok that either of us had ever tasted. I was watching her nod off while watching Doris Day in some classic movie that was on, when my phone dinged. I tried not to look at my phone much during the day, because it was all about Mom, and she deserved all of my attention. Sometimes I would get scared if we had a really good day, wondering if that night, I would lose her. As if God was saying, “I gave you a great last day, be grateful.”
It was messed up, I knew that much, but still, I always felt the lingering effects of that or, if I paid attention to someone else, in a flash, she would be gone, and if I had just spent that last moment with her, I would have it, as a reminder. I was thankful for sleep, because I didn’t feel bad when she slept; it wasn’t my fault if I missed anything.
I ignored my phone and went to help Mom to her room. I kissed her forehead after I helped her into bed, like she had done with me so many times throughout my life, and held back the tears that burned to be released. I didn’t want to lose her. I inhaled her citrus scent and tried to force it to memory, tried to remember how soft her hands were, how brown the irises of her eyes were. I wanted to remember everything.
I wanted to keep her, I wanted her to be my children's grandmother, and the over-involved mother-in-law to my husband. I wanted her to be there with me on my wedding day, and I wanted to call her in the middle of the night when my baby wouldn’t sleep. I wanted so much more time with her. I stood in her room, watching her, and did something I hadn't done in a long time—I prayed.
All the Sunday School verses and songs went through my head for a second, taking me back to those days when I prayed at night with my mom. Back to when I sat and read the Bible with her, back to when she would sing songs through the house at the top of her lungs and ask me to join in. I reached for the shredded threads of my faith and dug in deep as I asked God to give me more time. I fell to my knees and asked him to let me be selfish, to leave her here on Earth for me to take care of.
"Please don't take her from me. Please. I know you can heal her, if you want to. I know she believes it more than I do, so if you don't do it for me, do it for her. Please, God. Just let her live."
I sobbed into the blanket as I kneeled at her bed. She was already asleep and wouldn't hear me, wouldn't hear me begging or how much I needed her. I pleaded with him in the darkness of her room, while silent tears spilled down my face. I stayed in her room, crying and praying, until I decided to just crawl into her bed next to her. Ignoring my phone, the TV that was still on, and the world. In that moment, I just wanted my mom, and I wanted to hold her all night. I did just that; I grabbed her hand and held on until I fell asleep.
The next morning, I woke up in my mother's bed. She was still asleep, and it was still dark outside. I slipped out of the bed, walked into the living room to turn off the lights and TV that had been left on all night. I searched for my phone on the couch, where I’d been sitting. Finally fishing it out of the deep crevice it had fallen into, I noticed that I had a blinking green light. I pressed the screen and punched in my code, then set it back down and turned on some coffee. Once I grabbed it again, I noticed that I had a few missed text messages and a few missed phone calls.
I opened the texts. All of them were from Jimmy. That made me smile until I started reading.
9:12p.m. - Ramsey, I really need to talk to you tonight please. Call me when you get a chance.
9:30p.m.- Please call me, can I come over? I really need to talk to you before tomorrow.
10:30p.m.- I’m coming over
11:00p.m.- Ramsey, this is important Damn it! I need to talk to you. Open up!
1:15p.m.- I’m not leaving until you open up
That was the last text. My heart was in my throat, what the hell was going on? I quickly pressed my voicemail icon and skipped to the last message, left after midnight.
“Ramsey, I don’t know why you are ignoring me. I needed to talk to you! I guess you don’t want to talk to me. Vwhatever, I wanted to hear you say it. Tell me with your voice, from your lipsss, but I guess I can’t, can I? Just say it, Ram, say it. Say you lied to me, tell me that you are a liar, so that I can stop feeling like this.”
He was drunk. So clearly drunk, his voice was slurred and didn’t make sense. My heart was thundering now as panic started to set in. I ran to my room and threw some clothes on, pulled my hair back, and grabbed my keys. I half-expected to see a passed-out Jimmy on my porch, but he wasn’t there. No car, no bike, nothing. I ran to my car and started it. I looked at the clock briefly and saw that it was only seven in the morning. It was earlier than we planned on seeing each other, but he offered for me to let myself in. I had no idea what he was talking about, what had I lied about?
I drove over to his house, nothing seemed out of place. His green lawn was covered in a layer of frost, as was his pitched roof. His front door still had the fall wreath on it that Jasmine had bought for him from a school fundraiser, Theo’s truck was in the driveway like normal. I parked along the curb and quietly walked up to the house. I pushed his
house key into the top lock and turned, then did the same with the bottom lock and pushed the door open.
The house was warm and dark, I slid my shoes off by the door and crept through the house. Quietly, I tiptoed up to Jimmy’s room. I knew in that moment that this was a dangerous idea. Early morning, pajamas, the fact that I had kissed him just the other night, but something was clearly muddled between us and needed to be cleared up, which could require some apologies. I knew this, and still I climbed the stairs. I had to know he was okay and find out what in the world was going on with him.
His door was shut. I gently turned the knob and pushed it opened, only to find his bed empty. I walked all the way in. It looked like no one had slept in it the night before. I walked into the bathroom, and it was empty too, the towels dry, no water drops in the shower. Jimmy hadn’t come home, or if he had, he hadn’t been in his room or bathroom. Confused, I walked back out of the room and shut his door behind me.
I carefully opened Jasmine's door and peeked in. She was nestled in under a mound of pink covers, still sleeping. I did the same to Sammy’s room, and he had a few limbs hanging over the edge of his bed, but he was still sleeping too. I crept back downstairs, and realized that Theo was there, and the kids were fine, but curiosity got the better of me. I opened the door that connects to the garage from the kitchen and peeked in. The Tahoe was parked, but Jimmy’s bike was gone.
My gut clenched. He was driving his bike last night while he was drunk? Maybe he wasn't drunk and driving at the same time, but it still worried me. I stood there, not sure what to do. I didn’t want to panic Theo if I didn’t need to, so I pulled out my phone and called Jimmy. It rang a few times, then went to voicemail. Clearing my throat, I left him something, short and sweet. “Jimmy, it’s Ramsey. I left my phone on the couch last night and didn’t get any of your texts or calls until this morning. I am at your house and worried. Please call me ASAP. Thanks.”
I hung up and fought the urge to dial him again until he picked up. I sent him a text, relaying the same info that I had in the voicemail, hoping he would respond, but he didn’t. I just stood there in his garage for a few more minutes, waiting.
I decided to curl up on the couch until he came home. He was expecting me for breakfast anyway, so it wouldn’t be weird. I sent off a text to my mom, so she didn’t worry and knew where I was. I pulled a blanket over myself and prayed again that Jimmy was okay. My stomach was in knots at the idea that he was hurt, or something had happened to him. After about an hour of tossing and turning on the couch, I got up and paced the living room. No one had woken up yet, and I felt like I was going crazy with worry. I tried calling Jimmy again, and nothing. I called him again, and again, and again, and still nothing. I broke down and dialed Laney. I knew it was low, but I needed answers and she had Jackson’s phone number.
Laney didn’t answer, and I didn’t blame her. It was Sunday morning and I had just seen her the day before. So, I called her again until she finally answered. She was groggy and pissed.
“Ramsey, someone better be dead!” she shouted into the phone.
“Laney…” I croaked, and couldn’t help the tears that started to fall.
I heard her clear her throat and shift in her bed. “Ramsey, what’s wrong? Is your mom okay… oh God. I’m so sorry, Ramsey, I can’t believe I said that…”
“No, it's okay, it’s not my mom. I need Jackson’s number… I think something happened to Jimmy… I don’t know…”
I trailed off, hating the sound of my own voice. Laney was silent for a second, and then let out a sigh. “I heard Jackson talking to him on the phone last night, they were yelling. I couldn’t make out their conversation, except for the words, ‘knock this shit off, and go home,’ but Jackson didn’t say anything when he came back inside, he just looked pissed.”
I didn’t want to speak, I was scared and worried, and just wanted Jackson’s phone number. “Laney, are you at Jackson’s house? I need to talk to him, so give me his number or wake him up. I don’t really care what the thing is between you two, just get him.” My voice was sharp, and my tone was mean, but I didn’t care at this point.
She let out a sigh. “Okay, he’s in his room. I’m in the guest room for the record, and what you think is happening between us isn't happening.”
I heard her open a door and I heard walking, then the phone was muffled. I heard a very raspy, manly, “Hello?”
“Jackson?” My voice was weak, and I hated it, “Jackson, where is Jimmy? I'm worried about him. He left me all these texts and calls last night, and he isn’t home.”
Jackson was quiet, then let out a breath. “Yeah, I know he isn’t. I'm sorry you got pulled into this, Ramsey. He’s safe, but you should just go home. Theo is there with the kids, right?”
My stomach was tight, and I wanted to puke. “What do you mean, he’s safe? Do you know where he is?”
Silence, then another sigh. I was getting tired of the exasperated sighs.
“Yes, Ramsey, I know where he is. He’s safe. Please trust me. Go home.”
It took a second, but it finally registered—Jimmy was with someone. He had spent the night with someone and that was why Jackson wasn’t telling me. I started to cry, and I hated myself for it.
“Oh, he’s… okay, he’s with someone. I get it, it's just, we had plans today, and he left all these messages. Thanks, Jackson, I just wanted to be sure he wasn’t spread across the highway somewhere.” My voice was cracking all over the place, and I was crying, and I couldn't keep it out of my voice, as hard as I tried.
Jackson practically yelled at me to stop. “No, Ramsey, listen to me. It’s not what you think, but Jimmy needs to get his head on straight. Let him explain all this to you when he gets a chance. He will be home later today. Go home and wait for him to call you. Okay? Just don’t go there with your mind. I swear, it's not what you think.”
I laughed. “Jackson, he called me drunk, I think it might be exactly what I think. But it’s fine, he doesn’t owe me anything, we're just friends.” I straightened my spine and tried to steel my voice.
“Ramsey, I think we both know that you two are more than friends. Jimmy knows that too. Trust him, give him a chance to explain himself.”
I nodded and realized that he couldn’t see me, so I ignored my clogged throat and responded, “Okay, thank you, sorry for waking you up. Tell Laney I will talk to her later.” I hung up.
I shut my eyes and let out a strained sigh. I needed to be sure that Theo was actually home before taking off, so I crept downstairs until I heard a light snore, then I ran back upstairs and left through the front door. I walked to my car, and looked up and down the street, willing Jimmy to appear. I even tried to listen for the sound of a motorcycle, but all I heard was the sound of birds and the freezing cold air seeping into my heart. If that had a sound, which I am pretty sure it does.
I got in the car and drove home. I walked into the house and went straight for the shower, refusing to give Jimmy another thought. I would get lost in my work, and my mother, exactly where my focus should have been from the start. At least that was the plan. I told myself the plan over and over, even as the tears fell down my face and I felt like a giant hole had just opened up in my heart.
I woke up in a dark room. There was a red sheet covering the window, giving the room a creepy, dark glow. My head was pounding, and I wanted to puke. My whole body ached and pleaded with me to stay still, but I knew that I needed water and some aspirin. I felt my chest and was surprised to find that I wasn’t wearing a shirt. I looked down and found a dark blue sheet over my body. Thankfully I had my jeans on and my socks, but no shirt and no shoes. I looked around the room again, trying to adjust my eyes to the surroundings. It felt like a mobile home—the fake wood paneling on the walls gave it away—and the thin windows. There was a small dresser in the corner and huge, flat-screen TV on a table in front of the bed. It felt wrong. It felt like drugs, and terrible mistakes.
Dread gripped me, and fear clogged m
y throat. What had I done? I heard a flush and looked over towards the other end of the room, sure enough there was another small door in the room. A blonde-haired woman, in a tank top and underwear, walked out while brushing her teeth. I'd never seen her before. This wasn't happening. I slammed my eyes shut, trying to escape what was going on. She looked over at me and stopped brushing, then walked back into the bathroom, and I took the moment alone to sit up and find my shirt. I had to get out of there. The woman returned a few seconds later, she had on a pair of shorts and a sweater now. She had her arms crossed and looked irritated.
“Glad you're finally awake. Your damn phone hasn't stopped buzzing since early this morning.”
I looked around the room again, my head throbbing. I licked my dry lips and managed to ask, “Do you know what time it is?”
She still looked pissed as she moved to the dresser and picked up a phone, tossing it at me. “It's ten, Shutter fly.”
I wasn't ready to look at it, I knew who was calling. Instead, I tried to focus on what damage was done here. “Shutter fly… Why'd you call me that?”
She was messing with her own phone now but looked up for a second. “You were too shy to do anything last night. That, or you're married. Not even an effing kiss! I brought you back to my place, thinking you'd get more comfortable and maybe, you know… want something after a little sleep, but nope. You just slept, and now you're looking at me like I have a third eye.”
Thank God. I was so relieved that I actually might kiss her, but I wouldn't cross that line and confuse the poor girl. I stood, looking for my boots.
“So what happened? How'd you get me to agree to come back here?”
She laughed and tossed my shirt at me. “Your phone was dying, and you kept saying you needed to talk to the liar of your heart, and needed to charge it. I offered you a charger, you got in my car and came here with me.” She trailed off.
