by Ashley Munoz
I was breathing hard, because his hot breath on my skin set me on fire and I'd wanted this, I wanted him. I could feel that he felt the same by the way his body responded behind me. I started to turn towards him, to catch his lips with my own, when the door flew open. We both turned our heads back towards the door and saw Laney standing there, looking exhausted, and angry. I moved to get up but Jimmy held me firmly in place. I started to laugh, as I lay back against him. He pulled the covers up over our heads, as though he was trying to hide us from Laney. It was funny, and I would have enjoyed this moment more, but I knew Laney was not in the mood. I turned towards Jimmy under the covers and kissed him, and that’s when we heard Laney yell.
“Ramsey Bennington, you will come out from under those covers right now and talk to me!”
Jimmy laughed, kissed me again, then released me. I pulled the blankets back and carefully stood up.
Laney was wearing an oversized blue shirt that was definitely not hers, and definitely a man’s. I decided that I would ignore that, and her hair, for the moment.
She stepped forward and grabbed my hand, then pulled me out of the room towards the kitchen but bypassed it and headed for the stairs that went up to the third floor. We went up to a floor that was all white, with plush carpet, and floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. The walls were a soft, light blue, and the shelves were a dark stained wood. She headed towards a large window seat that was overlooking the water. I didn’t even know that Jackson lived near the water, but then again, I wasn't exactly lucid when I arrived.
Laney curled up on the cushioned bench, pulled a blanket over her, and sat against the wall. I copied her movements until we sat looking at each other. I started to talk until she put a finger up, as if to stop me. A few seconds later, I heard footsteps running up the stairs, and Jackson appeared. He was wearing black running shorts, a beanie, and a gray sweatshirt that had the same logo on it as Laney’s shirt had.
Interesting.
He was carrying two coffeess in his hands, while walking towards us. He handed one to Laney and gave her a secretive smile, then he turned to hand me mine, but before he handed it to me, I saw his eyes. They were full of pain as they took me in. I tried to ignore it and took the coffee from him, giving him a quiet, “Thank you.”
He nodded, then hesitated a second before leaning in and kissing the top of my head. Then he turned back around and jogged back downstairs.
I gave Laney a look and asked, “What in the world was that about?”
She sipped her coffee and looked out the window, before responding. “You said some things in the car, about what happened to you…” She looked down and swallowed before continuing, “None of us knew, Ramsey… Jackson, well…he took what happened to you pretty hard. He cares about you, you know. It just was hard to hear that stuff, is all.”
I looked down at my coffee, fighting the red that was stinging my cheeks. I hated that it embarrassed me; it was something my therapist and I were working through, but I haven't gained victory over yet. I didn’t know what to say, so I stayed quiet.
Laney sipped her coffee again, then looked at me. “Ramsey, I’m so sorry about last night. I didn’t know that what I said would upset you like it did…” She stopped because tears were running down her face, and her words were starting to get stuck and a high-pitched sound started coming out of her throat. Laney hated crying. Hated it. She got red and blotchy, and she could never talk through her tears, so the conversations always took a long time to get through. I always thought it was funny, but it’s the reason I never pushed her on things she wasn’t ready to talk about.
I leaned forward until I was touching Laney's hand. “Stop, it’s not your fault.” I sat back a little, looking down at my cup, realizing it was time to come clean about my ‘episodes’ to my best friend.
Laney wiped her face and sniffed. “Then what happened last…” She stopped again, her throat making that awful sound again.
Saving her from having to push through the tears, I explained, “Anytime I think about what happened, during… the… uh…” I looked out the window, cleared my throat, and took a breath. “Anytime I think about the abduction… I have, what my therapist calls, an ‘episode.’ Basically, I lose control, and essentially go ‘crazy.’ I usually take meds for it, but I didn’t have them last night.” I watched the rain drizzle on to the cars below us, there were several parked on the street that ran along the waterfront.
Laney sniffed again, then asked, “Then what triggered that last night? We never talked…”
I started shaking my head, cutting her off. “It wasn’t your fault, and no, we didn’t talk about it. It was when you mentioned that Jackson said Jimmy was going through a hard time… it just triggered all this stuff about how I actually went through something, and somehow I was still coming out as the villain to you guys.”
Laney leaned forward and grabbed my free hand. “God, Ramsey, no, never. I would never think that about you.” There was an urgency in her tone, and I knew she was telling the truth, but it didn’t change how it made me feel.
I squeezed her hand. “I know… I just, it didn’t change anything for me when I was spiraling. I just wanted to let go and forget the memories of that night and being in that room.” I took a few breaths in and out, trying to be as brave as I was last night when I went over this with Jimmy.
I sipped my coffee again. “Jimmy told me Davis died… in jail, I guess. But he’s gone,” I said in a rush, hoping to gloss over this particular subject.
Laney nodded her head as a few more tears fell, then softly said, “Good… I know I shouldn’t be glad, but I am. I am so sorry that happened to you, and that I didn’t let you talk about it in the hospital.”
I smiled at my friend, grateful for her big heart. “I’m sorry for what I put you through, Laney. I’m so embarrassed that you had to call Jackson and get everyone involved,” I said while shaking my head, trying to shake the shame.
Laney gave me a mischievous smile. “Looks like it did some good with you and Jimmy, from what I saw this morning.” She raised her eyebrows up and down. I laughed and then kicked her.
“You should talk… I love that shirt, by the way… Would you mind showing me where you slept last night? I’d love to see your guest room.”
Laney flushed a deep red, then mumbled, “Jackson only has one guest room in this freakishly large mansion.”
I laughed and finished my coffee off, then I reached forward and grabbed my best friend in a hug. She held me tight, and whispered into my ear, “Please don’t ever do that to me again, Ram. I honestly thought I lost you last night.”
I shook my head against her shoulder. “I’m getting help, Lane. I’ll get there, I just need time. But yes, let's avoid places with men and alcohol for a while.”
We separated and wiped at our faces, then looked around the room.
“How come you've never told me how loaded Jackson is?” I asked, lightly hitting her arm.
“What difference would it make? It's not like it matters to me,” she said shyly, playing with the fibers on her blanket.
“Why did he bring us coffees this morning?” I asked, hoping we could move on from my life for a second.
She let out a loud breath, then grabbed a fistful of blanket, and scrunched her face up before answering. “Okay… so, Jackson and I kind of hooked up last night, because I was going out of my mind about you and he was pretty messed up too over the whole thing, and we just kind of were there for each other. I left him this morning, so I could go talk to you… I guess he just assumed about the coffees… pretty sweet of him, I guess.”
I smiled and covered my mouth to hold back a laugh. “So, are you guys together then?” I asked.
She rolled her eyes and started drawing things on the window with the condensation that had built up. “No, I don’t think so. It’s complicated. I mean, there is some drama in the mix and sure, we like each other, but a relationship? Jackson doesn’t do relationships. Or so I have heard,” she re
sponded then trailed off, probably thinking she was too quiet for me. My heart hurt for her, but I knew now wasn’t the time to try and push this.
Before I could respond, I heard Jimmy calling me from the lower level. Laney and I stood, and I hugged her tight again, then we headed downstairs.
Jackson was making breakfast and Jimmy was dressed, his duffel bag by the door. I knew we couldn't stay in this bubble forever, but my heart sank at the idea of us being apart again.
I tried not to let my disappointment show as he grabbed my hand and led me into the kitchen. Jackson made us eggs and toast, then gave us each a yogurt cup. Jimmy ate with us, then handed me my fully-charged cell phone and told me that Glenda was waiting for my call. I grabbed my phone, then followed Jimmy to the entryway.
I looked at his bag, then him, he wrapped me in a tight hug, saying against my hair, “I will be waiting in Belvidere for you. Will you be okay the next few days?”
I nodded into his chest. “Yeah, Laney will take me to her house, then I will go see Mom and tomorrow, I will see Glenda. It will be okay.”
He leaned back and looked at me and said, “I know it will be okay, but will you be?”
I leaned forward and kissed him, then stepped back. “I’m getting there, boss,” I stated, winking at him. He rolled his eyes at my ‘boss’ comment, then attacked me with another kiss.
“How do you feel about his death?”
I hugged the couch pillow tighter to my chest as I sifted through all the emotions that surrounded that question. Glenda had the most comfortable couch, and the best couch pillows in the entire world. They were this kind of silky softness that put me at ease immediately. I looked up at the gentle rays of light that were filtering in from her large office window. Glenda had an elegant office, with plush white carpet on top of dark hardwood floors. Her desk was a pristine white, cleared of any clutter except a sleek, silver laptop, and a cutesy calendar you might find in a home decor magazine. There was also enough shiplap on her walls to justify an entire episode on Fixer Upper. I liked her office, I liked her. Glenda wore a beautiful blue romper that looked gorgeous against her ebony skin, and she had these hazel eyes that were stunning. She was the kind of pretty you might find in a magazine, the kind that you just wanted to stare at.
“Why do you think it’s difficult for you to answer that question?” she asked gently. She knew that I was stalling.
I pulled my eyebrows together as I concentrated on the floor. It didn’t have any answers, but it was therapeutic in helping me avoid Glenda’s gaze.
“It’s not difficult… I just… I don’t know how I feel,” I admitted weakly.
Glenda crossed her left leg over her right one, and adjusted her pad of paper; her long, soft black hair was swept to the side by her movement. “So, then you feel happy about it?”
“No, not happy,” I quickly corrected her. She did this with me. If I answered something while being vague, she would push until I clarified.
“Then what do you feel, Ramsey? You must feel something.”
I picked at the pillow, and thought about it. I dug deep so that I was honest. I actually had no problem being honest with Glenda, I just really didn’t know how I felt yet about Davis’ death.
“I feel… relieved, I guess. I am glad that no one else will get hurt because of him. It feels like a form of justice, I think. I mean, there was a small part of me that thought if he did go to jail, then some connection that he had would get him out early.” I rambled on while still picking at my magical pillow.
Glenda was writing, and gently kicking her foot up and down. She had perfect manicured toes that I could see through her nude, peek-a-boo heels. “Do you feel like you are allowed to feel relieved that someone died?” she asked, while still looking at her notepad. She knew that I didn’t like direct eye contact while we were digging up pieces of my soul.
I furrowed my brows again. “I think…” I took a big breath and decided that I just wanted to let this part go, out of my body, out of my mind, for good. “I think so. I don’t wish death upon anyone, but what he did, what he could do to someone else… I feel bad for feeling good about him being dead. Doesn’t that make me a terrible person?” I asked, looking up at her.
She set her notepad aside and leaned forward, knowing I was finally ready to excavate some of this guilty dirt that surrounded my mind and heart. I loved that Glenda was always standing by with an emotional shovel.
“It doesn’t make you a terrible person, Ramsey, it makes you an honest one. No one can judge you for how you respond to his death. You were the only victim in that room. Feeling anything about his death that you don’t want to feel will only give him power over you.”
I let that sink in. I didn’t want him to have any power over me, I wanted to be done with this.
Glenda sat back and grabbed her notepad. “You hold the keys to your own freedom, Ramsey, remember that. No one can make you feel anything that you don’t want to feel, and no one has the right to taint your own feelings towards the situation. It happened to only you, it’s yours to own or to release,” she said, while finishing her thoughts in her notepad.
At her words, I felt like a load had been lifted off me. Glenda set the notepad aside and got up to walk to her desk, to where her laptop sat open. “Let's discuss you going back to Belvidere, and our continued appointments once you go back.”
A surge of excitement went through me at the idea of going back home. It was home to me now, officially, now that I had accepted the offer to own Sip N Sides, and now that Jimmy and I were… cleared up. This was me and Glenda’s last session before I went back. We talked through my breakdown, and we talked about some idea on how to control those impulses when I felt powerless. She made an official speculation that things would get easier for me once I was back home and got into the rhythm of things. Especially now that things with Davis were finalized, and I would never have to see him again; I hoped she was right.
“Can we do FaceTime or Skype appointments?” I asked while watching her look through her computer.
She looked up at me for a second and smiled. “I would enjoy that, Ramsey. I would really like to continue to meet at least once a week, especially as you become a business owner and take that on. Adding stress to your life might be tricky at first, and it will be important to know how maneuver the stress around that. I want you to know that I consider myself on-call for you. If you need a quick chat, or conversation on your way to work, never hesitate to call me.” She flashes me her gorgeous white teeth. Why she had become a therapist and not a Victoria secret model, I had no idea.
I smiled back, and then released my pillow. I was half-tempted to ask her if I could take it with me, but then I realized that would be weird and normal people don’t ask to take pillows with them. I grabbed my purse and hugged Glenda, not really caring if she wanted one or not. She had gotten me through a really ugly period of my life, and I was thankful for her. She laughed and hugged me back. She scheduled me in for a FaceTime conversation for one week from now, then I headed back to the hospital to help Mom get packed up.
Mom was doing better. That’s what they said anyway… I got really happy at first, then I realized that they haven't changed her diagnosis at all but told me that Mom could still prove everyone wrong if she wanted to. I felt better knowing that we gave her the best possible chance available.
Once I made it up to her room, I found her packing her own things. I smiled and moved around her to take over, and she didn’t protest. She found a chair and relaxed while I packed her things up. I couldn't help but feel a sense of relief that we were finally leaving, and I knew that Mom felt the same way. She was so supportive when I told her about what had happened with the night club and my ‘episode,’ and she was also happy to hear about Jimmy and I reconnecting. I didn’t tell her everything, just that Jimmy took care of me when I woke up. She must have seen my face flush at the memory of us together, because she had her own smile and started speaking in Cambodian about answ
ered prayers.
I was excited to get home for so many reasons, but I was nervous to see Jimmy again. We hadn’t stopped texting and talking on the phone, but we never spoke of what life would be like when I got back. Even though I spoke to the kids every night at dinner, they just put me on speakerphone while they ate, and acted like I was a part of their nightly routine. I felt happy, and full, but still, I was nervous. I checked my work calendar and noticed that he still had our little meeting scheduled for Friday night. I thought it was funny, since it was obvious how we felt about each other now, but he still wanted to go through with it. Maybe it would be considered our first date? I smiled again, and finished packing up this particular chapter of our lives, eager to get back to the story awaiting us back home.
Belvidere was a beautiful sight as we pulled into the city and saw that the fall colors had completely taken over. The red and yellow trees lined the streets as we drove past the old city hall, and the old red brick buildings. This town had a messy but beautiful mixture of old, rundown businesses and buildings, with a mass of new ones mixed in. The town was well-cared for, like an old house that you've lived in forever, and weren’t willing to change the feel of, but weren’t against installing newer, nicer things to add to the look of it. We slowly headed towards our street, past the grocery store and the post office, and when we went past Sip N Sides, my heart about burst open. It took all my strength not to pull into the deteriorating lot, get out, and hug the building that was now mine. Well, almost. Theo and I still had a few things to sign and process, to make it official, and I still needed to train, but it was basically mine and I loved it.
Once we pulled into our driveway, there were a few things that I noticed right away.
First, our lawn was mowed and looked fresh. Our gravel even looked like it was fresh, if that were possible. There was a fall wreath on our front door, and a hay bale sitting next to our door with a few pumpkins sitting on and around it, making our porch look dreamy and festive. The next thing I noticed were the signs. There were two huge wooden signs resting in front of our door that were painted white, and written in dark blue lettering were the words:
