by Sarah Price
“I was watching the children!” she said, finding the strength to talk back to her daed. “Lillian was taken to the hospital. Would you have me leave the kinners alone? Unattended?”
“I will not have your reputation tarnished because of his!”
“Daed!” Mary Ruth had started to argue back, feeling more bold than usual. After all, she had pledged herself to Samuel and she believed in his innocence. “The Lapps’ need our help. No one would question my presence there. You cannot have young men watching six kinners, and one just barely walking!”
“Amos,” Miriam had said, speaking up. “You know that Lillian is with her boppoli in the hospital. Someone needs to watch those kinners. They need our help.”
Shaking his head and holding up his hand, Amos had stopped the conversation. “They have family. They are not alone. Rachel, Sylvia, even that Shana can help them!” He frowned at the disapproving look on his wife’s face. “I’ll hear no more about this, Miriam. Not from you either,” he said with a pointed finger at Mary Ruth. “You are becoming quite outspoken in recent days and that just proves my point that your contact with that Lapp boy is no gut!”
With that, Amos had stalked out of the house, slamming his hat on his head before he disappeared out the kitchen door. Miriam had tried to say something to her daughter but, after trying to find the words, she realized that there was nothing to say that would excuse Amos’ behavior.
Now, as Mary Ruth realized that she hadn’t seen Samuel in over a week, she found herself wondering how he was holding up against the pressure and suspicion of the community. Several of her mamm’s friends had visited the previous week and Mary Ruth had overheard their conversations, talking about Samuel’s involvement in the accident. Oh, how she had wanted to speak up, to defend Samuel and declare his innocence. But she knew better. To do so would only cause the talk to shift away from Samuel and onto her. Mary Ruth knew that would only cause more problems with her daed in the long run.
She thought back to all that had happened over the previous few months. What should she have done differently, she thought, to show her feelings toward Samuel. She smiled as she remembered the day that he had kissed her in the buggy, not once but twice. She remembered how angry she had been, hurt and upset that he had stolen what rightfully belonged to her future husband. Now, she realized, the dream that Samuel might one day be that husband was balanced with a stronger decision: Would she be forced to choose between Samuel and her family? The smile faded from her face as she felt the weight of that decision upon her shoulders.
“Mamm,” she called, knowing that her mother would be able to hear her through the open window. “Going for a walk to cool down,” she said. There was some shuffling from inside the house and a quick acknowledgement from her mother. That sufficed for Mary Ruth as an approval. She certainly didn’t want her daed accusing her of sneaking off, especially the way he was watching her every move.
Setting her glass on the floor beside her chair, she stood up and stretched. Her back ached and her shoulders were sore from helping in the fields all day. Yet, the work had been peaceful and gave her time to think.
However, the more she thought, the more confused she became about her daed’s staunch position against Samuel. It was not the Amish way to be so unforgiving, to judge another person. In many ways, she had lost faith in her father as the head of the house. How could she respect a man that insisted on following the Ordnung and Amish ways, but broke it so quickly when it came to Samuel Lapp? Why did he not like Samuel?
She knew that Samuel had a reputation amongst the people. He had always been outspoken and rash, even as a child. But, to Mary Ruth, that was what made him so interesting. After all, he didn’t follow without questioning. He had a mind of his own and the strength to speak up when pushed into a corner. He had a passion for life that she had not seen in many other Amish men. She had always appreciated his liveliness, despite the rest of the community frowning upon it.
Still, she knew that he was a good man. She had seen him caring for his horse, so gentle and patient. He was never abrupt with the animals like others sometimes were; and the children…she smiled to herself: Despite claiming that he didn’t want children of his own and that children were for women, she had watched him with Jacob in the mornings before he had gone to the carpentry shop. She had seen the small wooden toys that Jacob played with and, when asked, proudly proclaimed that his onkel, Samuel, had made for him. Mary Ruth knew that, as much as Samuel had tried to create a strong and disassociated image, the truth was that he was just as gut a man as the next. Perhaps more so, she thought.
All of these things had crossed her mind as she had worked all day under the scorching sun, sweating in the humid air. Still, she didn’t mind working in the fields, although she preferred time in the garden and helping her mamm in the kitchen. She missed the Lapp children, having enjoyed herself during her time helping Lillian. Yes, she realized, she truly missed the kinners, especially young Jacob with his funny sense of curiosity and little Abram with his devotion to do anything and everything his older brother did.
She walked through the freshly plowed hay fields toward the large hill behind her house. It dipped down into a small valley and, if she stood at the top, she’d be able to see the Lapp farm in the distance. With a quick glance over her shoulder to insure that no one was watching, she started down the hill and found herself wandering in that direction. She knew better than to actually go to the farm. That would be far too forward and was certain to get back to her daed, especially if Simon saw her. But it was comforting to be able to see the buildings and the cows and the freshly laundered clothing hanging on the line to dry.
For a long while, she sat on the top of the hill. The grass was not too high and it waved in the breeze. She was glad to feel that it was cooling down for the evening. Otherwise, it would be another sleepless night in her second-story bedroom. Even with the windows opened, her room would still be uncomfortable on such hot, sticky nights. But a cool breeze was always more than welcomed.
It was just about time for the evening feeding and the black and white cows were beginning to wander toward the dairy barn. She loved watching the cows, mesmerized by how they walked single file through the chute between the paddocks, a long line of sixty or more cows, heading toward their barn as if an invisible hand led them. Of course, there were a few younger cows that refused to join the line. Mary Ruth laughed, watching them. They were like naughty children, disobedient and rebellious. Someone would have to chase them into the barn if they decided to hold out and not join the rest.
“Mary Ruth,” a voice said from behind her.
Startled, she jumped at her name and a hand fluttered to her chest. She looked up in time to see Samuel approach her from the other side of the hill. “Samuel! What are you doing here?” Instinctively, she looked around to make certain no one else could see that he was now standing next to her.
He shrugged. “Was over there,” he said, pointing toward the far paddock of his daed’s farm. “Saw you here.” He smiled but there was little life in his eyes. The sparkle was gone and Mary Ruth wondered how long it would take to return. He squatted beside her, his knees cracking as he did so. “You watching the cows, then?”
She nodded, feeling shy for the first time in his presence. “Ja. I love watching their evening march into the dairy.” She watched as he nodded and turned his gaze to watch the cows, too. “It’s like poetry, isn’t it? They just know to go home.”
“I imagine,” he said. “Not too familiar with poetry.”
For a moment, neither spoke. The silence was awkward, an indicator of so many unspoken questions between them. Mary Ruth wanted to know how he was doing, whether he had heard anything, how were the kinners, when was Lillian coming home. But she asked nothing. Instead, she just sat near him, glad to be in his presence. There was an aura of humility about Samuel now and she found that, despite the circumstances, she liked it. He was becoming a man at last, shedding his wild side and
his crazy ideas of exploring the world. Indeed, she realized, there was finally hope that he could actually settle down and be the man that she had always known was inside of him.
“You doing OK?” he asked, breaking the silence. He squinted in the harsh light from the sun as it set behind them.
“You ask me that when I want to ask you the very same,” she replied.
He took a deep breath. “No, I’m not,” he replied, staring into the distance. “You see, I finally decided to take the next step with this girl. I told her my intentions to see her, to court her, to explore the possibilities of a future.” He plucked at the grass by his feet and tossed it into the breeze, watching as it fluttered to the ground. “But I can’t see her right now, can’t take her for ice cream in my courting buggy or see her at singings.”
“Samuel,” she whispered.
He nodded. “I know. It’s terrible, isn’t it? I finally took that step, that step toward the future.” He sighed. “I wanted to show her what life could be like, to make her laugh and smile, to make her live a little, and, most importantly, to mayhaps have her fall in love with me.” With a quick glance at her, he paused. She felt her cheeks turn pink at both his words and his look. “Ja, to fall in love with me so that I could marry her in the spring when I take my baptism.”
“Oh,” she gasped, pressing her hands against her cheeks to hide the color.
“But I can’t now, can I?” He reached out and took one of her hands in his, removing it from her cheek. She saw him smile, but this smile was genuine. “She blushes,” he murmured.
“You embarrass me,” she said. But the pounding of her heart against her chest told her that she would treasure his words forever.
He clasped her hand in his, holding it gently. “I need to see you, Mary Ruth. I can’t go on like this.” He waited until she met his gaze. “I feel like I’m walking in a cloud, waiting for something else terrible to happen and that would be that you decided not to wait for me.”
How could he think that, she wondered, alarmed at his words. “Oh no, Samuel,” she cried out. “I will wait! Don’t doubt that!”
“Everything keeps going from bad to worse, Mary Ruth,” he said. He told her the story about Abram and how the little boy had almost drowned. He told her about his mother’s words regarding God’s message and how Samuel believed that she was correct. He told her about how much he just needed to take her into his arms and hold her. Her embrace was all that he thought about, longing to have it so that his pain could be washed away. And she listened to him, his words so honest and from the heart that she felt tears invading her eyes. How much pain could this man endure, she wondered, and how glorious that his faith in God increased, rather than the alternative!
“This will end soon, Samuel,” she reassured him.
“Will it?”
She nodded. “It has to end soon.”
“And if it doesn’t?” He raised an eyebrow at her. “What then? I cannot ask you to ruin your life.”
How many times had she asked herself the same question? Yet, at this moment, as she sat beside him with his hand holding hers, she knew that the answer would be yes. She would, indeed, give up everything if that meant being with Samuel. “Let’s pray for a happy outcome,” she replied.
He was silent for a moment but he never took his eyes off hers. She wondered what he was thinking, wondered if she had said the wrong thing. She knew that she couldn’t tell him that she’d give up her family and community if he asked. She hoped that she hadn’t upset him. However, when he finally responded, she knew that what she offered as a solution was the right thing to have said.
“Yes, Mary Ruth,” he said solemnly. “We should pray, indeed.” And he shut his eyes and bowed his head, his hand still holding hers.
His action impressed her and she felt her heart quicken inside of her chest. This new Samuel was surprisingly humble and such a strong extension of the man he had been prior to these incidents. Life had changed him but the change was powerful and deep. She found herself lowering her own head and joining him in a long, silent prayer.
When they finished, Samuel stood up and reached down to help Mary Ruth stand before him. She felt small in his shadow. He towered over her by at least half a foot and his shoulders were so broad and strong. He still held her hand, caressing it gently as they stood there, staring at each other. She kept her eyes on his and waited for him to say something. But there was nothing to say. His steady gaze expressed what he was thinking and feeling.
“You may kiss me,” she heard herself say.
The words surprised her as much as they surprised him. For a moment, she thought he was going to bend down and press his lips against hers. He seemed to contemplate it. But then, he shook his head. “Nee,” he said. “I want to wait for our wedding day, Mary Ruth.” He smiled, raising her hand to his lips and kissing the back of it.
She blushed and lowered her eyes, embarrassed by her offer and fearful that he would think she was too forward and dishonorable. How could she have said something like that? To offer a kiss? For a moment, she thought she might actually cry with shame.
Sensing her discomfort, Samuel chuckled under his breath and tilted her chin so that she had to look at him again. “But don’t think I don’t want to kiss you. I just want to do it properly, Mary Ruth. For you and for me.” He leaned down and planted a soft kiss on her cheek. “That shall do for now, ja?”
Not trusting her voice, she nodded.
“Now,” he said. “Let me walk you back. I won’t walk with you all the way, mind you. No need to give your father reason to dislike me anymore than he already does.” He kept her hand in his as he turned toward her father’s farm. She appreciated his acceptance of her daed’s position during this uncertain time. It would make life much easier if he didn’t fight Amos as her daed could be a force to reckon with, his temper and opinions well known throughout the community.
When the farm was closer, Samuel stopped and nodded in its direction. “You go on now, Mary Ruth, but know that I walk beside you in your heart, ja?”
The color flooded to her cheeks again. “Samuel, and I with yours,” she responded softly.
“I shall see you at church this Sunday and, mayhaps, the singing that night?”
The singing, she thought. If only her daed would let her go. He had refused to permit her to leave the house the previous Church Sunday. He had claimed that she couldn’t leave because his brother and family were visiting, although she knew the real reason was to keep her away from Samuel. She wondered what his excuse would be for this upcoming Sunday? How long could her daed stand in her way? Unfortunately, she knew that he could and most certainly would. Once an idea was planted in his mind, Amos Smucker didn’t often change his position. Short of openly defying him, Mary Ruth had little choices before her.
“I’ll try,” she said, her words sounding more convincing than she felt.
“Gut!” he replied with a smile, a touch of the sparkle back in his eyes. “Until then,” he said, backing away from her as he waited for her to turn and continue walking toward the farm. He walked slowly, watching her.
She turned around and waved once. She didn’t want to have any problems with her parents but she hated leaving Samuel. However, knowing that he was thinking about her and would be waiting for her at the singing gave her something to look forward to over the next few days. With his sweet words still lingering in her ears and planted firmly in her heart, she hurried back down the hill toward her parents’ farm.
Chapter Twenty-Two
When the two buggies rolled into the driveway, Samuel caught his breath. He had been standing in the doorway, letting a cool summer breeze cool his sweaty body. He had just come into the house from the fields, after working with his daed and brothers at cutting the hay. Junior had released Samuel from work that day so that he could help his brothers. They would begin baling it when it had dried in a few days. While he stood in the doorway, he had heard the buggies before he actually saw them.
When the buggies rounded the driveway by the back of the dairy barn, Samuel watched them as he leaned against the doorframe, a refreshing glass of meadow tea in his hand.
The buggies came to stop in front of the hitching post by the barn. One was Jake’s and the other was the bishop’s. He felt his heart begin to quicken its pace in his chest. The expressions on their faces were solemn and severe, giving a clear indication that their visit was most serious. Certainly that could not be good news, he told himself.
Turning just slightly, he watched as his mother leaned over the counter to look out the window. She lifted the white curtain that covered the lower part of the window just enough to see the two men emerge from the buggies. Her eyes flickered over to Samuel’s and, seeing that he was watching her, she quickly looked away. Yet, the look of fear in her expression did not go unnoticed. She, too, suspected bad news.
“Looks important,” she said, her voice cracking slightly. She refused to meet his gaze. “Best go find your daed.”
Samuel didn’t move from the doorway but nodded his head in the direction of the barn. “No need, Mamm,” he said, his eyes already seeing his father emerge from the dairy barn. He watched as his father greeted Jake and the bishop with a stiff handshake. They exchanged some words before Samuel saw his daed gesture toward the house and turn to lead the two men toward the porch. His father’s shoulders were slumped over and his feet seemed to shuffle as he walked. His father had definitely aged over the past two weeks and, for a fleeting moment, Samuel felt guilt for what his father was going through. Yet, he also knew that he had nothing to feel shamed about, despite the feelings of responsibility.
