I’m shaking. I open my mouth to apologize, explain, when Rainer steps in.
“Her friends are here,” he says. “She was working off the old call sheet. She didn’t know.” He looks at me, and I feel a windfall of gratitude so big I think I might just throw my arms around him right then and there. But I don’t. My feet are stuck to the spot.
“I see our little talk really had an impact on you,” Wyatt says. He ignores Rainer. “Should we get to work? Or will we be interrupting a massage appointment?”
“No.” My voice sounds small and fragile in my ears.
“Good.”
As we get miked, Rainer glances at me. “Sorry,” he mouths. I shake my head. Today we’re filming the scene where August wakes up in bed and Noah tells her where they are.
I’m supposed to be naked under the covers. I’m wearing a nude strapless bra and boxer shorts. I climb into bed. It’s really just a few pieces of plywood covered in old woven blankets. Still, the blankets are soft cotton, and they feel good as I slide underneath.
We rehearse. Noah comes and kneels down on the bed. We do our dialogue. He tells August that they’re on this island. That no one knows where they are because it is magically protected from outside interruption. It’s locked. We do it a few different ways. In one, August is hesitant and a little afraid of and angry at Noah. In another, she’s imploring. I put my hands on the sides of Rainer’s face. He looks into my eyes. August is so in love with Noah. So painfully, deeply in love. She’s committed to his best friend, who might now be dead, and yet she wants nothing more than to just fall into him, into Noah. She knows she can’t. They both do.
We start shooting. I take a deep breath and focus my mind, the way I always do. I’ll make up for lost time. I’ll nail this.
“Why don’t we reschedule the whole fucking shoot for when it’s convenient for you to act?” Wyatt screams.
I bite my bottom lip hard. So hard I taste blood. I know Cassandra and Jake are here somewhere, and the humiliation is overwhelming. It sets my blood boiling. I want to scream at Wyatt to shut up, but I don’t have to. Rainer does it for me.
“Why don’t you go a little easier on her, man?” His tone is steady but pointed. “Cut her some slack once in a while.”
Wyatt’s eyes flash. I can feel the crew cower around us. “Is that what you want?” he asks, his tone icy. “For me to make your girlfriend’s job a little easier? Maybe I could just leave and you guys could get back to whatever you were doing.”
Rainer’s hands clench and release. I can see the blood climb up into his face, making his normally calm, even features come to life.
“You don’t have to be such a dick about it, is all I’m saying.”
Wyatt stands there, staring at him. I can see something pass between them—some unspoken agreement—almost like they’re calling up the same memory. But then Wyatt turns away, swears under his breath, and calls to start rolling again.
Rainer squeezes my hand under the covers. “You okay?” he whispers.
From the corner of my eye, I catch Cassandra and Jake, pressed shoulder to shoulder, sipping from coffee cups.
I don’t answer. I push the emotions down. I want to be better. I want Cassandra and Jake to see I didn’t leave for nothing. That there was a reason I was chosen. That I belong here.
Wyatt eases up, and we shoot the scene and one other. We work quickly, efficiently. Wyatt doesn’t yell. I can’t tell if it’s because I am focusing superhard or because of his altercation with Rainer—maybe both. I don’t even care. I just care that we’re getting through things. I care that Cassandra and Jake are seeing me work.
Despite my schedule snag, we finish nearly on time. Wyatt walks off with Camden, and Rainer and I go over to where Jake and Cassandra are. Cassandra grabs Jake’s elbow as we approach, and I know she’s excited about meeting Rainer. The embarrassment I felt at Wyatt’s words is nearly gone. At least I have this to offer her.
“Cass, this is Rainer. Rainer, Cassandra.”
Rainer puts on a dizzying smile and extends his hand. “It’s so nice to meet you,” he says. “I feel like I know you guys already.” He turns to Jake and for a second my heart leaps into my chest—how are they going to interact?—but Jake looks like he’s just as happy to see Rainer as Cassandra is.
“Nice to meet you, man,” Jake says.
“I heard you’re a stellar activist,” Rainer says. “We should discuss at dinner. My dad started Environment Now.”
Jake’s face lights up. “Wow,” he says. “He’s doing some amazing stuff.”
Rainer throws me a light smile as if to say see, no problem. “His board is,” he says to Jake. “C’mon, let’s get food.”
We go back to the condos and change. I have on a new slip-dress I bought at the shops, and I feel Rainer’s gaze on me when he picks us up at my door. “You guys ready?” he asks, his eyes scanning my bare shoulders.
Despite the warm night, I shiver. “Yeah,” I say. “Just about.”
Jake appears in the doorway. “What time is sunset here?”
Rainer flips his watch over. “Whenever these girls get out the door.”
Jake goes back inside and returns with a shoeless Cassandra, who says, “I’m not ready—” But Jake pushes her outside.
She giggles, which is weird. Cassandra usually doesn’t like to be interrupted when she’s putting an outfit together.
“Shoes,” Jake says, setting down some of my flip-flops.
Cassandra slides them on, and the four of us leave.
Rainer drives us to a sushi restaurant. We haven’t left Wailea a lot, and it’s nice to be back in the car, top down, the sun setting around us as we head into town.
I give Jake the front seat, and Cassandra and I sit in back. She grabs on to my knee and squeezes so tightly she leaves marks. I know what that squeeze means. It means she cannot believe she is in a car with Rainer Devon. I squeeze back and hope it communicates what I can’t right now: I have so much to tell you.
Rainer opens the door for us and offers me his hand as we get out. I take it. Then, all at once, he leans in. “You look beautiful tonight,” he says. “In case it wasn’t obvious.” It’s low, practically in my ear, but I know Cassandra hears. I know because when Rainer walks ahead with Jake, she grabs me by the elbow, hard, and turns me around.
“Bullshit,” she says. “Bullshit that nothing is going on with you two.”
“Cass,” I say, but I know my face is giving me away. It feels on fire. “Nothing has happened,” I tell her. “Yet.”
Cassandra’s eyes go wide.
“I know,” I say. “Can you keep it together?”
She laughs. “I don’t think that’s the question. I think the question is, can you?”
Rainer is entertaining and charming at dinner. He lets Jake grill him about his dad’s foundations and answers Cassandra’s endless stream of questions about young Hollywood.
“Who is your favorite costar?” Cassandra asks. She’s all elbows on the table, peering at Rainer like he’s some kind of equation she’s trying to solve.
Jake has his arm over the back of her chair, and he laughs. “This was definitely the price of admission for this trip,” he says.
I wish Cassandra would cool it a little, but if Rainer is put off by her grilling, he’s not showing any signs of strain. He arches around to face me. “You,” he says.
I can see Cassandra look from Rainer to me and back. “I’m sure you say that to all your costars,” I joke, hoping he doesn’t, hoping he actually means it.
Jake removes his arm from Cassandra’s chair. “I always knew you were talented,” he says to me. I look across the table at him. Jake. Sweet, solid Jake. Something tugs at my heart. Not him exactly, but home. Who I used to be with them. All of a sudden I feel like the space across the table is an ocean—I suppose, really, it is one.
We say good-bye to Rainer in the lobby of the condos. I can see the exhaustion of the week wearing on him and I feel it, too.
It’s heavy. It bears down from all sides.
Jake takes the second bedroom, and Cassandra crawls into bed with me. She’s totally keyed up. She wants to talk. I do, too, but now that dinner is over, I feel the grip of sleep. All these long hours. I’m not going to last long. I roll over onto my side to face her, my eyes at half mast.
“I have to tell you something,” she whispers at me. Her breath is warm on my face.
“Yeah?”
“You didn’t tell me about Rainer,” she starts, but it doesn’t sound like an accusation, not even a little bit.
“I told you,” I say. “Nothing has happened. It probably never will.”
“But you like him.”
I look at her. I can’t lie. Not now. Not to Cassandra. And despite my exhaustion, everything I’ve kept in, everything I’ve been talking myself out of, comes bubbling up to the surface and then spills right over. “Yes,” I say. “I mean, I think so. It’s not like I have tons of experience with this stuff, and it’s just so confusing. Some moments I feel like we’re totally about to, I don’t know, become something, and other moments it seems like I’m completely in the friend zone. He’s so hard to read, but then I think maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t see what’s going on. It’s complicated. This whole movie is just…” I shake my head, stifling a yawn. “I’m sorry. I’m blabbering.”
“I know,” Cassandra says. “And I’ve missed it.”
I roll my eyes. “You wanted to tell me something.”
Cassandra smiles. “It can wait.”
I reach over and kiss her cheek. Her hair on the pillow tickles my nose. “I’m happy you guys are here,” I say. “Really happy.”
“Me too,” she says.
When I wake up, it’s light out. I haven’t woken up after dawn in weeks, and the sunlight is momentarily alarming. I stretch, but my limbs don’t reach anything. I roll over and realize that Cassandra is out of bed.
I swing my feet onto the floor and grab my robe from a chair. I pad into the living room. I hadn’t thought about what to do with Cassandra and Jake today. Maybe we’ll drive back into Paia. Or go to the beach. Or we could go get lunch in town. The possibilities swirl outward, making fuzzy patterns in my head against the warm sunlight.
I’m still rubbing my eyes, clearing sleep, so I don’t immediately notice them. In fact I don’t spot them at all until I’m practically toppling over the sofa.
Cassandra is sitting with Jake, her legs draped casually over his lap. Her hands are pressed into his shoulders, her fingers moving like she’s searching for something.
And her lips? Well, they’re right where his are.
I stand there in the open space gaping at them, absolutely no idea what to do, because my first reaction isn’t what I’d expect it to be. It’s not anger or confusion or even quick-footed sadness. My first reaction is that they look good together. The way he’s touching her cheek and gently brushing her hair over her shoulder. The way, when he pulls back, right before he sees me, he looks right into her eyes. A look that makes my stomach and heart clench up like fists. Because he’s looking at her in a way I’ve never seen before. I thought I knew everything about them. But I’ve never seen this. Which means I haven’t really been looking.
“Paige?”
It’s Cassandra who speaks first. She retracts her legs from Jake’s lap like springs and flips around on the couch. “We didn’t know you were awake,” she says, like this explains something.
Jake looks at me. He stands up. “I made coffee,” he says. “Do you want me to pour you a cup?”
He gestures to the kitchen, but I shake my head. “What’s going on, you guys?” I ask.
Cassandra bites her lip. “We tried to tell you.” She glances at Jake, her expression concerned.
I think about Jake saying he needed to tell me something, about Cassandra’s urgent whispers last night. I feel so incredibly stupid. Here I was thinking they were losing touch without me, but really they were moving on.
I wish this isn’t what I say—I feel like a petulant child—but what comes out, complete with dripping sarcasm, is “You obviously tried pretty hard.”
Cassandra looks at me, her eyes wide. They fill up instantly. “I’m sorry,” she says. Her voice falters.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know how I feel. Should I be angry? I wish I hadn’t just walked in on this. I wish it were just the three of us watching a TV marathon. Not them making out on the couch.
No one speaks for a moment, and then Jake starts. “Paige,” he says. “We wanted to tell you. It’s just…” He walks over to me. He gets so close I can smell him. He smells so familiar—like laundry detergent, the unscented kind. It’s underlying. Always there.
I want to hug him, to wrap my arms around him. I want Cassandra to come over to us and the three of us to embrace the way we did at the airport—the way we always have. But something is different now.
“Why didn’t you?” I ask. “Why didn’t you tell me while I was gone?”
Cassandra looks at Jake. “We didn’t know how you’d react. Whether you’d be mad.”
“Why would I be mad?” I cross my arms.
We all stand there. Jake and I no more than two feet apart, Cassandra on the other side of the sofa. All at once I wish I didn’t know. I wish they had never come. That I could keep pretending that at least this hadn’t changed.
“I’m sorry,” Jake says.
I nod, playing with the skin of my elbow. “How long have you guys been…”
Jake shrugs. “A month.”
I’ve been gone six weeks. They didn’t waste any time.
“I wasn’t sure we should have come.…” Cassandra’s voice trails off as she hugs her arms to her chest.
“No,” I say. “It’s fine. It’s—” But I don’t know how to finish the sentence. I clear my throat. When I speak again, I don’t look at them. “I have to check in with set,” I say. It’s a lie; it’s Sunday. Maybe they know that. From the looks on their faces, I’d say they do.
“Paige—” Jake starts, but I shake my head.
“It’s okay. You guys should go down to breakfast. Order whatever you want. I’ll catch up with you later.”
Jake bites his lip as I turn to go. “You were off leading this fantastic life,” he says. “You were far away. Cassandra wanted to tell you. We’re—I don’t know.…” His voice trails off, but he keeps looking at me.
“I know,” I say, because I do. There’s something there. I don’t know why it took this long for all of us to see it.
I suddenly remember how upset Cassandra was when Jake first kissed me. How she wasn’t happy that we were together. How she said we didn’t get it, that it wasn’t the three of us now.
For the first time, I understand how she felt.
Cassandra walks around the couch, reaching out to touch my hand. “I’m sorry,” she says. “You just weren’t here.”
I shake my head and turn away. “You can call the front desk if you want to order up something,” I say instead.
“Do you want to go to the beach later?” Cassandra asks. Her voice is hopeful. It feels like it cuts right through me.
“I’ll see how work goes.”
I know I’m being unfair. I can feel it. My pride sings in my veins, pumping its venom right along with my blood. I want to get rid of it. To run to Cassandra and tell her of course I don’t care, but I can’t. There is something stopping me. I yank the door open, but before I can get outside, she moves in for a hug. I lean back, away from her, and her arm just catches my shoulder. I see the sadness in her eyes. It’s so different from last night. This isn’t the friendship I left six weeks ago, and we both know it.
“We’ll see you later,” she says.
I force a smile onto my face. “Yeah,” I say. “See you.”
“Paige,” Jake says. I look at both of them standing there, their hands hanging by their sides.
“You’re our best friend,” Cassandra says.
> The three musketeers. Except we haven’t been that in a really long time. Because we haven’t been together in a really long time. It’s been the two of them before Hawaii. Maybe it’s been the two of them always.
I smile, and then I turn and head out the condo doors. I’m not sure where I should go. To the beach? But even before my feet take me there, I know where I’m headed. And when I show up at his door, he doesn’t seem surprised.
“Hey,” he says. I see the outline of a pillow on his face—the remnants of recent sleep. He’s not wearing a shirt, and his bronzed skin stands out in the sunlight.
“Can I come in?”
Rainer holds the door open for me, and then before I can stop myself, I’m throwing my arms around his neck. He pauses for a second, sways on the spot, but then his arms curl around me—warm and strong. “Come on,” he says into my ear. “Come inside.”
CHAPTER 12
Rainer and I have lunch and dinner with Cassandra and Jake. It’s awkward, but honestly I’m not sure they notice. They seem to be so happy together. Out in the open. A couple in love on vacation in beautiful Hawaii. A vacation I paid for.
“I can’t believe we have to go back to school tomorrow,” Cassandra says wistfully at dinner.
School seems so far away—like a life that belonged to someone else. The thought of sitting in classrooms, taking history, studying for the SATs.
I just have to get my GED. Technically I’m not required to take a full curriculum, like I would if I were in school, so I just get tutored on the fundamental stuff: math, English, all the things I need to know for the test.
“And you’re staying here,” Cassandra says, her voice accelerating. “Everyone is freaking out that we came to set.”
Jake and I exchange a glance. My face gets hot. I’m suddenly embarrassed. By Cassandra? It’s not a feeling I like.
“Isn’t this fun?” Cassandra says when we’re walking to the car. She pulls my elbow, holding me back just a bit. “It’s like we’re on a couples trip.”
But this isn’t a couples trip. This is work, and Rainer isn’t my boyfriend.
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