I grab a large, rectangular, blank canvas and set it on top of my paint-splattered easel. Walking over to where the sink is, I pull an empty coffee can down from the shelf and fill it halfway with water. I set it on the small black table next to my easel, adding a couple pots of paint and a few paintbrushes.
‘Smells Like Teen’ Spirit bursts through my speakers as I dip my brush into the paint and begin smearing red lines across the naked canvas. My brushstrokes start out as short and angry but quickly become agitated and desperate, like I can’t get the paint on the canvas fast enough. I feel out of control, in a way that I haven’t felt in a long time. My paintbrush flies across the canvas, splattering paint all over the place. My clothes, the floor - everything around me is covered in paint and I don’t even care.
It’s amazing how one night of drinking makes me feel like I have thrown everything I have worked for away. Or maybe it is the fact that my brain is on overload right now. I’m worried about Gracie and I am concerned with how Claire is going to take this. I’m afraid that my family is going to think that I am reverting back to my old ways. Most of all I am disappointed in myself, especially because I think Veronica was right. I think I chose not to notice the rum until it was too late, because there was a part of me that wanted a drink. I figured I had been clean and sober for a long time now, surely I could handle one fucking drink. I can’t, though. I can’t handle any of it. Four fucking years of sobriety down the tubes just like that.
I sigh as I throw my paint brush down into the can of water, causing it to splash back up at me. I take a step back and admire my work. Rushed streaks of black, red and gray crisscross along the canvas, not making any sort of obvious pattern or picture.
“Anger art. I dig it.”
I swing around to see Aidan and Nathanial walking towards me. I sigh loudly as I walk over to the worn yellow and brown plaid couch in the corner of the room. I drop down on to it, dip my head back and rub my eyes with my fingers.
“Let me guess,” I say dryly as Aidan sits next to me on the couch and Nathanial pulls up a stool. “Remy called you guys and you came over here to make sure I wasn’t still drinking.”
“Remy called us and we came over here because we are concerned about you, so you can keep your attitude to yourself,” Aidan says.
Nathanial leans forward, resting his elbows on the ripped knees of his jeans. “To be honest with you, I thought we would find you in worse shape.”
“I think I am doing better on the outside than the inside,” I admit. “My head hurts, my nerves are shot, I’m freaked out, and, to make matters worse, I kicked Gracie out.”
“What did ya do that for?” Aidan asks. He furrows his brows as a look of utter surprise crosses his face.
“I don’t think I can be with her right now.”
Aidan rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “Because you had one setback?”
“It’s not just one setback,” I yell out as I throw my hands up in the air. They just don’t get it. They don’t understand how every single day is a struggle.
“Are you saying this isn’t the first time?” Nathanial asks.
“No, it was, but you need to understand what I am going through. When I found out Veronica was spiking my drink, my first reaction was to drink more. I was angry, but at the same time, I didn’t give a shit. I figured, I’ve already been drinking, why stop now? I came down here to paint to keep myself busy because I wanted to go get more booze or find someone to help me score some dope. Even now I –”
“Do you really want to waste four years of sobriety on pot?” Aidan raises one of his eyebrows as he does his best to go the tough love route.
Annoyed, I shake my head. “Heroin,” I mutter.
“What?” he gasps.
“I wasn’t talking about pot. I was talking about Heroin – Dooley, Smack, Fairy Dust.” I drop my face into my hands so that I don’t have to watch their reactions. I am feeling overwhelmed, which makes me want to use, and the thought that I want to use, makes me feel like a disappointment and a fuck up, which, in turn, makes me want to use.
“Shit, Trav,” Nathanial breathes out.
“Well, you know that isn’t an option. Have you thought about calling your sponsor? Are you still attending meetings?” Aidan asks.
“I was actually thinking about going to talk to Claire, but I can’t do it quite yet. Not while I am still hung over.”
“And the meetings?”
I sigh. “I’ll look and see when the next one is.”
Satisfied with my answer, Aidan holds out his arm and glances down at this watch. “I have to get to the diner, but I’ll call you later. See how you’re doing.”
Panic starts to rise in my chest. I know they have jobs to do but the thought of spending time by myself has me completely freaked out. I would just spend the day at the diner, hovered over a sketchpad, but Gracie is working tonight and I can’t be there when she is there. Not yet anyway.
My tongue glides quickly over my lips, wetting them. “Hey, uh…do you both have to go in right now?”
Nathanial and Aidan glance at each other. The concern on their faces is blatantly obvious and I am not sure if I welcome it or despise it.
“I work night shift today. Why? What’s going on?” Nathanial asks.
Having a hard time meeting their eyes, I glance down at my bare feet. “I don’t trust myself to be here all day alone. If you both leave, I’m going to use.” My eyes shift up, finally glancing back and forth between my two older brothers. “I’m not saying that as a threat or as a way to manipulate you. I’m saying it because I’m not strong enough right now to say no.”
Nathanial nods his head. “I’ll stay with you, Travis.”
“Thanks,” I say quietly.
The three of us rise up at the same time and walk up the stairs, heading towards the front door. Aidan pauses with his hand on the door knob. Glancing over his shoulder at me, he says, “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, Travis. A weak man would never have admitted that he was concerned about relapsing further.”
Tears spring into my eyes as I nod. Clearing my throat loudly I say, “Keep an eye on Gracie, all right? I know I hurt her and the last thing she needs is Russell being an asshole towards her.”
Aidan promises to keep Russell off of her back. I know he would give her a couple days off, but I also know that Gracie would never ask him to do that, even if it was something she really needed. I am also not naïve enough to think that Russell will cut her some slack just because she is upset. If anything, it would only give him reason to act like a bigger dick than normal.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Gracie
“Hey Gracie, can I talk to you for a second?” Aidan asks as I walk into the diner. My shift starts in ten minutes, so I do have a few to spare. I just need to make sure I am behind the counter with my apron on by five or I will have to deal with Russell, and I don’t think I have it in me to take his crap tonight.
“Sure, Mr. Foster.” It feels weird calling him that, seeing how close I am to the family, but I want to keep our relationship here as professional as possible. That way I don’t have Russell on my back for being too chummy with the owner.
I follow Aidan past the kitchen and into his office. He shuts the door after I walk through, and motions for me to sit down in one of his office chairs. Aidan perches himself on the corner of his desk.
“Remy called me this morning. After I talked to him, Nate and I went to see Travis. He mentioned that he kicked you out this morning and I wanted to see how you are doing.”
I take a deep breath, trying to stop the tears that are forming in my eyes, but it doesn’t work. “I’ve been better,” I admit.
Aidan looks like he is waiting for me to say more, but I am not sure how much I should open up about. Everything feels just so personal, but at the same time I know that he is looking out for Travis’s wellbeing.
“I’ve been around addicts before, I know how they are when they a
re jonesing for a hit, and I’m not saying that Travis was, but…it was hard to see him like that. Last night, he kept screaming for me to leave.”
“Don’t take it personally,” Aidan says. “He just doesn’t want you to see him like that.”
“I know.” I offer a weak smile. “And I didn’t take it personally. Well, at least I didn’t until he asked me to leave this morning. I promised him I would never leave him if he relapsed, so what am I supposed to do when he is the one that asked me to go? Do I cut my losses and say it was good while it lasted? Do I continue to be there for him? Do I act like I don’t know him when I see him, like nothing we had mattered? I have no idea what to do because I don’t know where we stand. He asked me to go, but he didn’t say our relationship was through.”
The tears break free and start sliding down my cheeks. Aidan slides off of his desk and kneels down in front of me. He takes my wrists into his hands and pulls me forward so that we are looking each other straight in the eye.
“Whether or not Travis wants to admit it, he needs your support. This isn’t easy for him, just like it isn’t easy for any of us. If you decide he isn’t the guy for you, I completely understand, and, I think, in time Travis will too. But, I will tell you this, you mean more to my brother than you probably realize. I haven’t seen him open up to anyone outside of our immediate family like he has with you in a long time. Just…please don’t give up on him.”
Lowering my head, I twine my fingers together, twisting them in my lap. “I-I don’t think I could even if I wanted to. I’m in too deep with him.”
Outside the door, I hear Russell yelling, asking if anyone has seen me. With a sigh, I place my hands on the arms of the chair and push myself up. “I need to get out there before he decides to make my night miserable.”
Aidan stands up, grabs my arm and pulls me in for a tight, brotherly hug. “You let me know if he gives you too much trouble. You’re family now and we take care of our own.”
Unable to say anything, I offer him a small smile and a nod. It was the best I could do considering I wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and cry for the fact that Travis pushed me away like he did, because I don’t know what to do to make him better and because of the fact that for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am a part of a family again.
After leaving Aidan’s office, I walk into the bathroom for a moment to splash some cold water on my face. I need to compose myself or else Russell will completely break me tonight, and I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry and thinking that he is the reason behind my tears.
With a sigh, I quickly wash my hands and walk out of the bathroom. Molly is standing behind the counter as I walk out front. She reaches into one of the cabinets, grabs a white apron and hands it to me.
“Thanks,” I mutter, taking it from her and wrapping it around my waist, quickly tying it behind my back as I do.
A tall, chubby shadow casts over me, onto the countertop. I roll my eyes, knowing that my night is about to get worse.
“Do you mind explaining to me how you can walk in here early, yet still manage to get out here late?”
I spin around to see Russell standing there. His arms are crossed over his chest and the look on his face is daring me to get smart with him.
“Leave her alone, Russell,” Connie calls out from the booth she is sitting at with her book club.
Russell glares at her. He extends one hand out, pointing back and forth between himself and I. “This is employee business. Since you are, in fact, NOT an employee, I suggest you sit over there and keep clucking away with your country hens.”
Connie’s eyes widen and her mouth forms an “O”. She stands up and places her hands on her hips. “Just because you are an adult, don’t think I won’t hesitate to turn you over my knee and teach you some manners. I don’t care if you aren’t one of my boys.”
Russell rolls his eyes and turns to me. “Make sure you are on time from now on. I don’t give a shit which member of the family you are screwing, you still have responsibilities and rules you have to follow.”
I nod. I wasn’t in the mood to argue with him right now. Nor did I have the energy to set him straight on my relationship with any member of the Foster family. Thankfully, a couple of guys walk into the diner and stride up to sit at the counter. If there is one thing I can count on to get rid of Russell, it’s customers. He doesn’t have any interest in dealing with them, so whenever someone walks in, he skitters off to find some mundane task to do.
“Evening, Gracie,” one of them says.
“Hey there, Hank. Coffee?” I ask, knowing full well he will say yes.
“You know it. What’s the special tonight?”
“Uh, chicken corn chowder is the soup and we also have the black forest burger with a side of fries and slaw for four ninety-five tonight.” I grab the pot of regular and flip over the coffee cup that is sitting in front of him. I fill it three quarters of the way full and do the same for the two guys that are with him. Hank, Sam and Chris are about my dad’s age, or how old he would be if he were still alive. They come in at least once a week for dinner before heading off to play poker at the lodge.
“I’ll take the black forest burger,” Hank says. Sam and Chris each hold up a finger, indicating that they want the same.
I jot their orders down on my notepad and walk back into the kitchen. Nathanial glances up from the onion he is chopping as I walk in.
“Three black forest burger,” I say as I clip the order slip onto the stainless steel board. I can feel Nate’s eyes on me as I walk towards the door. Just as I go to push through he says, “How are ya doing, Gracie?”
I stop in my tracks, pausing for a moment before turning around to him. I look down as I offer a small smile. “I’m okay, I guess. H-how’s Travis? Aidan says you guys saw him.”
“He’s all right, all things considering. He was pretty angry when we showed up but seemed to calm down throughout the day. Just trying to keep himself busy because he is afraid of using again. Remy is with him again now and I think Liam is going to hang out with him in the morning. We’ve got a bit of a rotating schedule for the next few days.”
A pang of jealousy surges through me at the realization that I am not on that schedule. I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m not. I mean, he did ask me to leave today. I guess there was a small part of me that thought, or hoped, that it was a temporary just for today sort of thing, but it doesn’t seem as though that is the case.
“He just needs some time, Gracie.” Nathanial says, flashing me a kind smile.
“I know,” I say. Before Nate can say anything else, I turn around and push through the doors.
As soon as my shift ends, I grab my cell phone to see if Travis has called or texted or anything. My heart feels like it is weighed down with stones when I see that he hasn’t. I feel sick with doubt because I don’t know what this means for our relationship. Are we still together or did he break up with me? I’m not entirely sure. I’m also worried beyond belief because I don’t know how he is. He’s with his brothers, but somehow that doesn’t feel like enough. I feel as though I should be doing something to help him.
Sitting in the front seat of my car, I close my eyes. My best friend, Faye’s, face immediately floats into my mind. I moved in with Faye when I was eighteen. About a year or so later, she started dating this guy who introduced her to a variety of drugs. I tried to save her, so many times. At one I point spent every penny in my savings account to send her to rehab. She would get away from him and get clean and things would be great for a while. But he always seemed to sweet talk his way back into her life. When we were twenty-two, she died from a cocaine overdose. I tried so hard to help her and I couldn’t. There has to be some way I can help Travis through this. I can’t lose someone else that I care about and love to drugs.
I’ll give him a few days, but that’s it. He has to know that I am here with him through the best times of his life and the worst. Climbing back
out of my car, I walk back into the diner, straight into the kitchen.
Aidan and Nathanial are both in there, whispering to each other as the rest of the kitchen staff works around them. I march up to them as confidently as I possibly can.
“Hey Gracie,” Nathanial starts as I get closer.
“I’m not waiting,” I say matter-of-factly. “I’m not giving him time to sort out his inner demons because his problems are my problems too. I have off in two days. I don’t give a shit who is on your schedule for that day, I’m going to be there.”
“I don’t know, Gracie,” Aidan sighs. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“It was a good idea for me to be there last night,” I point out.
“Yeah, which ended with him kicking you out,” Aidan counters.
“Because he is stubborn and he doesn’t want to hear the truth, not because we broke up. I am not going to coddle him and tell him what he wants to hear. I’m going to tell him what he needs to hear, because that is the only way I can truly help him. Tell him I’m coming. If he doesn’t want me there, then he can let me know himself.”
Before they have a chance to respond, I turn on my heels and walk out.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Travis
I feel completely empty without Gracie here. Last night was the first time she has ever spent the night here and I can smell the flowery scent of her perfume on my pillows and in my sheets. I spent the majority of the day wishing that she would call or text or…something, but I haven’t heard from her. I’m not surprised after I kicked her out the way I did. The last thing she said to me keeps flowing through my brain.
“Take care of yourself, Travis. I’m always here if you need me.”
Travis Page 16
