His eyes changed, hardened a bit as he said, "The one who wished to commit matrimony with you?"
"Yea" She couldn't pull her eyes from his face even though she knew the other men were only a few steps away and would surely note the impropriety of their gaze being locked on one another. "Please don't say who it was. Colton has already caused trouble once in the village because of me, and the Ministry might decide to send me away to be sure such trouble does not happen again:"
"Nay, surely not. I ..." Ethan started and then as a flush rose in his cheeks, changed his word as he dropped his hand away from her elbow and looked at the brethren rushing up beside them. "We won't let him bring harm to you:"
As the men gathered around them, Ethan quickly explained what had happened. How before he went to the evening meal, he had carried some broth from the kitchen to Brother Issachar. Sister Lettie sent him after Elizabeth so she would not also fetch broth. That was when he saw the man of the world attacking her and had gone to her aid. It was surely providence that brought the other brothers late from the field so that they saw him standing against the man of the world.
Elizabeth kept her eyes modestly turned down as Ethan spoke. When he fell silent without mentioning that the man of the world was seeking her, she breathed an inward sigh of relief. She let her eyes slide quickly over the men around her as she murmured her thanks. A couple of the older men were frowning as if they thought she'd done some wrong.
She looked back down at the pathway. "I must be about my duty to get Sister Lettie's supper. I am her hands and feet while she cares for Brother Issachar."
"And does our brother's condition improve, Sister?" one of the men asked.
"Sister Lettie says it has not worsened, but he's not showing the improvement she hopes for," Elizabeth answered without looking up. She picked up the packet of slippery elm she had dropped in her struggle with Colton and held it up. "She sent me after medicine for a poultice. I mustn't tarry in my duty." She moved past them without looking back at Ethan even though she wanted to do so. She still felt the warmth of his hand on her elbow and the thought of him standing in front of her, protecting her, made her heart pound in her ears.
She had vowed to stay away from him and not bring him trouble, but it was as Sister Melva said. For whatever reason fate seemed to keep throwing them together.
March came in with its usual fickle weather. One day snow would be flying in the air and the next the sunshine would feel warm on Elizabeth's shoulders. She wanted to reach for the warmth of spring, but at the same time she felt the need to cling to the cold gray days of winter. She should have never promised Hannah they would leave the village in the spring. They had no place to go. No relative who might take them in. No money, no possibilities, no luck. Nothing but Colton.
She watched for him more diligently now whenever she had need to walk from building to building, but she hadn't seen him again. He must have meant it when he said she would have to go to him now. He thought she would crawl to him and beg. She'd rather die, she told herself, and then Hannah's forlorn face would be in front of her eyes. She wouldn't rather Hannah died. And she had promised.
Hannah hadn't spoken of the promise again, but then they had little chance to talk except for a brief word now and again at meeting. From all reports, Hannah was beginning to settle into her life among the Shakers. Sister Nola said so. Eldress Rosellen said so. Sister Lettie said so.
But when Elizabeth looked at Hannah, she couldn't keep from remembering the little brown sparrow that had once chased a bug through a small hole in the chinking between the logs of their cabin and found itself trapped. It had flown madly to and fro, banging into the log walls as Elizabeth tried to herd it with her broom toward the door she had thrown wide open for its escape. Finally the bird had landed on the table, sunk its head down into its feathers, and stared at Elizabeth as though accepting its fate. That was the look she saw in Hannah's eyes.
Happiness should not be expected all the time, Sister Lettie told Elizabeth. At least not the giddiness those of the world took for happiness. "True happiness is much deeper;" she said. "A gift from our Mother Ann. Her teachings tell us happiness does not depend on our circumstances so much as what lies at the very foundation of our souls:"
"Are you happy, Sister Lettie?" They were sitting with Issachar who seemed somewhat improved. He had not burned with fever for two days, but he had no strength. At times he seemed to hover in a sort of wakeful state, but he rarely spoke, as though his voice had retreated somewhere deep within him and could not find its way back to his mouth. And there were moments when Elizabeth saw the hopelessness of the tiny sparrow in his eyes the same as in Hannah's. Now his eyelids flickered open and he stared at Sister Lettie as if awaiting her answer along with Elizabeth.
"Yea;" Sister Lettie answered. "At the foundation of my soul. That is not to say I feel that happiness of spirit every moment of every day, but it is there in my center" She put her hand over her heart. "I am content with my place. With my duty. I have peace in my soul. And you, Sister Elizabeth? I sense you don't know this happiness:'
"I have known happiness. The kind where the sight of the night sky or the sound of a meadowlark puts joy in your heart, but now I cannot shed the sorrow that settled over me when my father died," Elizabeth answered truthfully. "Or my worry for Hannah and Payton:"
Sister Lettie's voice was gentle. "Brother Payton does not need your worry. He is building the Believer's foundation of happiness in his soul:"
"Yea, he is changed. He's no longer the brother I knew before we came here"
"But is that not good?" Sister Lettie leaned toward her as if to hear her answer more clearly. "Do you not want him to surrender his will to the true way? Do you not want to attempt to follow his example and do the same?"
I wish I could say that I do, but in my heart I desire a family of my own:'
"We have family here. We are all of one family. So many brothers and sisters with love freely for one another." She stared at Elizabeth intently as if she were trying to force the truth of her words into Elizabeth's unwilling heart, but with kindness.
"But that love seems to turn so quickly to hate when a brother or sister falls from the way and goes back to the world" Elizabeth thought of some of the condemning words she'd heard from Sister Ruth's mouth and from others.
"Nay, not hate. Only sorrow to see our former brothers and sisters falling away to spiritual destruction for a brief flash of pleasure here on this earth;' Sister Lettie said. "But never hate. We strive for peace with all and extend love to any who come to us. Mother Ann has instructed us to do good. That's why we never turn any away in hunger no matter what the cost to us:'
"Yea, you have shown me much kindness and generosity, but I cannot ignore the sadness of my sister. Or. . " Elizabeth hesitated, not sure she should go on. She glanced over at Issachar. She didn't wish to remind him of his Eva who haunted his dreams by speaking of marriage, but his eyes were closed now as if he'd wearied of listening to them.
"Or what?" Sister Lettie prodded.
She looked back at Sister Lettie and spoke softly to keep her words just between them. "Or deny my wish for love as the world knows it"
Sister Lettie sighed deeply and looked troubled as she shook her head. "Such love only brings strife. Think of the man who tried to carry you away. He is ruled by that sort of worldly desire. Do you wish to be part of that?"
"Not with him," Elizabeth answered.
"It is wrong to lead another astray." There was an uncommon sound of sternness in her words.
"Yea, I know that is so" Elizabeth looked down at her hands in her lap. "My words were rash. Forgive me, Sister Lettie. I am still learning what is proper and what is not, but I assure you I do not endeavor to tempt any among you to step from your path of belief."
"I know, my child' Sister Lettie's voice was gentle and kind once more. "I see your effort. How you make reasons to go to the Medicine Shop whenever our young brother comes to sit with Brother Issacha
r. It is only right that you leave the battle up to him. He is the Covenant-signed Believer. Not you. At least not yet. Perhaps someday you'll understand the peace of our love and know the true love of the Lord and Mother Ann. Then you will no longer feel tugged toward the temptations of worldly love:'
Elizabeth bowed her head and said no more. She didn't argue that she already felt the love of the Lord in her heart. The Lord had answered her prayer and led her to this Shaker village where she had found shelter. The Lord would be with her if she left this place. Nothing the Shakers had ever said made her doubt that. Mother Ann might condemn her, but the Lord Elizabeth's mother had introduced her to when she was but a child would not. He would keep loving her just as the Bible promised, just as she'd assured Hannah he would the day they made the snow angels.
Even though she didn't look up, Elizabeth could feel Sister Lettie's eyes boring into the top of her cap as she waited for Elizabeth to renounce her worldly thoughts. It was a relief when Issachar moved on the bed and groaned to pull Sister Lettie's attention to him. She stood up to go peer down at him.
"Brother Issachar, are you truly awake?" Sister Lettie said in a voice a bit too loud. "It is good to see your eyes. I daresay you are hungry."
"Nay;" he answered weakly.
"Hungry or not, you must eat" Sister Lettie spoke in her no-nonsense voice as, with Elizabeth's help, she lifted him up to a sitting position and propped pillows behind him. "Sister Elizabeth has brought you some soft food from the kitchen. If you're strong enough, you can feed yourself. If not, Sister Elizabeth has had much practice spooning food into your reluctant mouth" She smiled at him.
But he wasn't looking at her. He was staring at Elizabeth as if realizing for the first time who she was. Not his Eva, but the woman he'd found on the road months ago. "Sister Elizabeth;' he said, his voice rough from scarce use.
He was as pale as the cases on the pillows behind him. Sister Lettie feared he might be bleeding internally. Elizabeth carried the bowl of food to him, but his hand trembled so much when he tried to hold the spoon that she took it from him. He seemed to have no interest in eating, but he opened his mouth and let her feed him. He shuddered with each swallow.
"Is it so bad tasting?" Elizabeth asked as she offered him another spoonful.
He gave his head a tiny shake and opened his lips to receive the food without fighting against it as he had sometimes when he was more unconscious than conscious. He swallowed four more bites, each seeming to be more of a struggle than the last, before he shut his eyes and pushed her hand away. "Later," he said.
Sister Lettie had left the room to go across the hall to check on Sister Emma, who had twisted her ankle. Through the open doors, Elizabeth could hear Sister Lettie encouraging the injured sister to move her foot. Elizabeth straightened the covers over Brother Issachar's legs and adjusted the pillows behind his head.
When she started to turn away to let him rest, he put his hand on her arm. She looked down at him and asked, "What do you need, Brother Issachar?"
His fingers felt cold even through the fabric of her sleeve, but she didn't pull away from him. Instead she touched his forehead with her other hand to see if the fever was returning to him. He didn't feel hot. `Are you in pain? Sister Lettie can fix a draught to ease you:'
"Nay." His eyes fastened on her face and his breath seemed to come harder. "You look like Eva:"
"But I am not," Elizabeth said gently.
I know." His fingers tightened on her arm. "What you said to Sister Lettie. I heard:"
A flush of color rose in Elizabeth's cheeks. She shouldn't have spoken so freely in front of him. "I'm sorry to be such a reluctant convert. Perhaps it was wrong for me to come here"
"It's not a bad place:" He looked at her a moment before he went on, his voice growing stronger as he talked. "If you are ready to close away the world. I could never think of marrying another after my Eva died, so I was ready. You are not"
"Does that make me evil?" Elizabeth's voice shook a little as she spoke.
Issachar moved his hand from her arm to her cheek as she leaned toward him in her earnest need of an answer. "Nay, you are not evil:"
"Then what should I do?"
His hand trembled from weakness and she put her own hand over his to help keep his touch on her cheek. His eyes didn't leave hers as he answered, "Follow your heart:"
"But what if my heart leads me wrong?"
"It will not. Not if the love of our Lord dwells there. Trust what he tells you" He smiled slightly as he dropped his hand back down on the covers. "Trust what I tell you. Follow your heart"
"But I see no way," Elizabeth said.
He shut his eyes. Elizabeth watched him a moment in hopes he would speak more, tell her a way would open, but he did not. He looked even paler than he had a few moments before, as if his words had drained additional lifeblood from him, and she felt guilty that she was thinking of her needs instead of his. She gently stroked his face. "Rest, Brother Issachar."
"Yea," he murmured. "Rest forevermore"
Ethan stood in the doorway and watched Elizabeth smooth down Brother Issachar's bedcovers. Sister Elizabeth, he sternly corrected his thoughts. Not Elizabeth. She was his sister and to be thought of as such. It was a sin to think of her in any other way. A sin he committed daily. Sometimes hourly as thought of her stole into his mind even as he worked to put his full concentration on his duties. Not brotherly thoughts. Nay, far from them.
He had made his confessions to Brother Martin. He'd told him of his sin of worldly curiosity about the man named Hawk Boyd. A man, Brother Martin said, who had nothing to do with Ethan now. Brother Martin had no understanding of why Ethan would have even carried the name in his memory through the years he had spent with the Shakers.
"He should have been long dead to you, Brother Ethan, just as all things of the world are dead to the covenanted Believer" Brother Martin didn't conceal his impatience with Ethan's lack of discipline. "I should have never let you go with Brother Issachar into the world. You seem unready to resist the temptations of the flesh:'
Ethan couldn't say he was wrong. Especially not here, standing in the doorway watching Elizabeth tend to Brother Issachar with such tenderness. He did not think of her as a sister. Instead the desire to feel her hand touching him with that same tenderness swelled up inside him and took away his breath. Brother Martin had cautioned him to stay away from her, but he had to come see Brother Issachar. He had to try to pull him back to life.
And he couldn't simply stand and watch while that man of the world attacked her. No one else had been there to help her. He had pleaded for Brother Martin's understanding. "Surely it was only right for me to protect one of our sisters"
"Yea," Brother Martin had answered, but with a frown. "But why, Brother Ethan, is it always that sister you are called upon to protect? I fear wrong spirits are loose here"
Of course, Brother Martin was right. Ethan had been filled with wrong spirits when that Linley man had grabbed Elizabeth. He had wanted to smash the man in the face and knock him to the ground. Anger had burned through him for hours after the man rode away. At meeting he had tried to shake it off as he went forth to exercise the songs and reclaim the proper peace and love of a Believer, but he couldn't forget how the man had held her so roughly or the man's mocking words and eyes as he stared down on them from his horse. And even as Ethan labored the songs, he feared the seed of Hawk Boyd was sprouting higher within him.
He needed to hear the calming words of Brother Issachar assuring him that was not true, but Brother Issachar had hardly seemed to know Ethan or even where he was in the days since they returned to Harmony Hill. Ethan had been so sure that Brother Issachar would step away from the shadow of death as soon as he got back to his home, but it hadn't happened. So now it was good to see him sitting up, to see him speaking something to Elizabeth, even if the words did seem to bring a look of distress to her face.
He had passed Sister Lettie in the hallway on the way in, and s
he told him Brother Issachar was sitting up and talking.
"That's improvement;' Ethan said as a grateful prayer took wing in his heart.
"Yea, it would seem so:" Sister Lettie looked concerned. "Yet he seems weary of the effort"
"To talk, you mean?"
"Yea, that too:" She pulled in a deep breath. "Perhaps sight of you will be an encouragement to him. I'm glad the Ministry didn't deny him the comfort of your presence"
"I can only come during the times of rest. All available hands are needed for the planting;' Ethan said.
"So you are working in the fields?"
"Yea, planting corn. When I'm not here with Brother Issachar or at meeting. We have many fields this year."
"Mother Ann is blessing us with much prosperity," Sister Lettie said. "There will be plentiful food for our tables" She turned away from him to go on toward the sisters' outside door. "Tell Sister Elizabeth to come help me at the Medicine Shop while you are sitting with Brother Issachar"
It wasn't instructions he would need to speak to Elizabeth. She always rushed out as soon as he came into the sickroom. She seemed anxious to avoid tempting the wrong spirits even if he did not.
"I hear our patient is speaking," he said as he stepped into the room.
Her attention had been so fully on Brother Issachar that his voice startled her. Her eyes flew to Ethan's face and then quickly down to the floor, but not before he saw the same gladness he felt to see her reflected back to him in her eyes.
"Yea;' she said softly. "But he's very weak. I'm not sure he knows what he speaks" Red bloomed in her cheeks as if she were worried that he might have overheard their conversation.
"I couldn't hear his words," he assured her.
"Good;' she said, then stammered. "I mean, what he said would have been of no interest to you" Those words seemed wrong to her too as she rushed on. "I'm sure he will have much to say to you:" She mashed her mouth together as though she feared whatever words might escape her lips next. She tightened the strings of her apron, straightened her cap, and moved purposely toward the door. "I must go help Sister Lettie."
The Believer (The Shakers 2) Page 23
