by SJD Peterson
He’d heard something about how a pet could heal a soul. He’d dismissed it as some silly made-up motivational quote. He no longer dismissed it. Hazel truly was helping him heal.
“You and Hazel want to walk down to the lake?”
“Yeah, I think she’d like that.”
Nash bumped his shoulder against Joshua’s. “Maybe do a little skinny dipping.”
“I don’t know, Sir. I’m thinking you and me getting naked might be too much of a distraction.”
“Is that such a bad thing?”
“Only if we’re not paying attention to a puppy who likes to play tug-of-war with anything she can get her mouth on. I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure I trust her around certain exposed body parts.”
Nash stumbled, the image Joshua had planted no doubt settling in. “Umm, yeah, I see your point. Let’s get her worn out and get naked once she’s in her crate.”
“Good call, Sir. I’ll be glad when I don’t have to worry about her running off. I’ll be able to trust her in the yard while I’m doing my chores.”
“We could fence in part of the backyard behind the studio.”
“That would be great, but you’ve already spent too much money.” He’d train her soon enough. Hazel was extremely smart and learned quickly.
Nash squeezed Joshua’s hand. “You forget, she’s part of my family too. You both are, and if I can do something to make you two happy, then it makes me happy. So no arguments.”
“Yes, Sir.” Christ, he was a lucky man. He didn’t know what he’d ever done to deserve someone like Nash. Nothing. It was a mistake, Joshua was sure. He’d done nothing to deserve Nash and…. He gave himself an internal shake and willed the ugly thoughts to go away. However, no matter how hard he tried, they lingered. A dark cloud on an otherwise beautiful day.
At the water’s edge, Hazel tugged hard on the restraint, hell-bent on getting in the water.
“You should let her swim,” Nash suggested.
Joshua hesitated, but Hazel kept tugging until he reluctantly removed her leash. She ran out as far as she could, swam a short distance, then headed back to shore. She spent the next half hour running wide open along the shore, kicking up a spray of water. Joshua couldn’t help but smile at the pure joy Hazel was experiencing. The dark cloud receded.
NASH PUSHED open the door to the unused room at the back of his studio. He’d thought about turning it into a supply room or maybe even a small kitchen to save him trips to the main house when he was painting. Now he was glad the room had remained unused and unfinished. It would be the perfect space for Joshua. A hideaway, so to speak, that was his and his alone.
“I was thinking we should turn this into a little retreat for you. It would give you a place to come, shut the door, and block out the world when you want to be alone. We’d fence the back and put in a doggie door so Hazel can have access to the yard.”
A strange whimper came from Joshua, and Nash turned around to find him clutching the doorframe, his body trembling and a look of distress on his face.
“Joshua?” Nash rushed to him and reached out to touch him, but Joshua jerked back, falling to his knees.
Alarm and concern filled Nash. What the hell is going on? He went to his knees before Joshua, whose eyes were open but glazed. Wherever his mind had gone, Nash wasn’t part of the equation. Joshua wasn’t looking at him.
“Joshua? What is it?”
Joshua continued to stare, unblinking. His trembling increased, and he wasn’t breathing.
“Dammit, Joshua, breathe!” Nash grabbed Joshua’s arms and shook him.
Nothing.
He pushed two fingers against the side of Joshua’s neck, relieved when he felt the rapid but strong pulse. Nash took Joshua’s face in both his hands. “C’mon, baby, breathe.”
After what felt like an eternity, Joshua sucked in a harsh breath, and in the next second, tears streamed down his face and he sobbed.
Nash pulled him into a hug. “Are you in pain? Tell me where you hurt.”
Joshua didn’t respond, only buried his face in Nash’s chest and sobbed. Nash had no clue what had triggered such an intense reaction. He didn’t know what to say or do, so he simply held Joshua, rocking him gently, murmuring quiet, soothing words until the harsh sobs began to ease. Nash ran a gentle hand up and down Joshua’s back, silently giving the distraught man what support he could while he cried.
After long moments, Joshua took a deep breath and then another. Without warning, Joshua tensed, then jerked back. His face contorted with rage and pain.
He angrily brushed away his tears. “I’m sorry, Sir. I don’t… I…. Fuck!” He pounded his fist against the floor.
“Easy, don’t hurt yourself,” Nash said, keeping his voice calm. He took Joshua’s hand in his and inspected Joshua’s knuckles. They were an angry shade of red, but there didn’t seem to be any abnormalities in the bones or broken skin. Keeping his hold on Joshua, Nash shifted and encouraged Joshua to sit next to him, their backs against the wall. Nash draped his arm over Joshua’s shoulders and kept him close. “Do you want to talk about what just happened?”
Joshua took one more heavy breath, blew it out slowly, and then nodded. “I had a freak-out or flashback or whatever you want to call it. When Samuel left the house or when I got on his nerves, he’d lock me in a small bedroom.”
“And this room reminds you of that room?”
Joshua lifted his head, looking around the room. He sniffed and then ran the back of his hand across his nose. He was still trembling but nowhere near as badly as he had been when Nash had first taken him into his arms.
“This one is much bigger. Samuel’s room was only about eight by nine feet, and it didn’t have a nice big window like yours. I think it’s the stark white color of the walls and the fact there is nothing in here that triggered my meltdown. I….” Joshua swallowed hard. His brow furrowed as a play of emotions crossed his face. “Samuel locked me when he wanted to teach me a lesson. I… I didn’t learn.” Joshua hung his head and went silent.
Nash’s first reaction was pure rage. Samuel, the same asshole who’d beaten Joshua to unconsciousness, then dumped him at a hospital and ran, needed to be brought up on charges for the things he’d forced Joshua to endure. But Nash pushed those feelings down. He still had a lot to learn about what this man had done to his boy, and the horrors slowly coming to light broke Nash’s heart and caused his blood to boil. He’d deal with making sure Samuel got what was coming to him. But right now, Joshua was his priority. Nash wanted to pull him back into his arms and reassure Joshua he was safe and he’d never be locked up again. Joshua needed to work through his feelings, talk about them in order to begin healing. Joshua could only do that if he felt safe and trusted Nash. Nash didn’t push, instead rested his hand on Joshua’s thigh, letting him know he was there for him. At this point he thought it more important that Joshua hear himself rather than Nash, so he kept his words to a minimum, his tone as calm and matter-of-fact as possible.
“You’re safe, and if you want to talk about it, I’m here to listen. If you’re not ready, I’ll simply hold you until you are.”
“Thank you for that, Sir,” Joshua said. He seemed to have better control over his emotions, his voice stronger when he continued. “I know in my head this isn’t Samuel’s room. He’s not here, not my Dom anymore. Hasn’t been for a long time. But my heart started racing like a freight train and I couldn’t catch my breath. Completely irrational, I know that, but it didn’t matter. There was no logic going on in my brain. It was like in that instant, I was transported there.” Joshua curled his hands into fists so tightly his knuckles turned white. An angry glint flashed in his eyes, and he started trembling again.
Nash feared the stark room wasn’t the place for Joshua to deal with these memories. Although Joshua was starting to trust Nash, it wasn’t yet strong enough for Joshua to feel safe or have complete faith in Nash to keep him that way.
“Would you like to go snuggle
up on the couch while we talk about this?” Nash offered.
“I’d like that, Sir.”
Nash took Joshua’s hand and gently uncurled his fist and entwined their fingers. Together they stood, and Nash led Joshua to the living room. Along the way, Nash grabbed a box of tissues and a bottle of water. He set the items on the coffee table, pulled a tissue from the box, and handed it to Joshua before he took a seat on the end of the couch.
He pulled Joshua half onto his lap. “Comfy?”
Joshua snuggled in. He laid his hand on Nash’s stomach and drew random patterns with his fingers. “Yes, Sir. This is much better. Like I said, I know it was irrational, but even after we started talking about it, I was having a difficult time catching my breath in there. I kept getting flashes of Samuel’s room.”
“That’s understandable,” Nash said gently. “Are you ready to talk about it?” He hoped Joshua was willing to discuss the room and his reactions to it. Whether Joshua realized it yet or not, it was a good thing those dark ugly memories were seeing the light of day. Joshua would never be able to deal with them if he kept them suppressed and in turn would never heal.
“No, not really, but I suppose I need to,” Joshua said quietly.
Nash swallowed down the relieved sigh. Thankfully, Joshua wasn’t going to fall back on his normal tendency to avoid discussing his past.
When Joshua didn’t say anything further, Nash squeezed him tight and gave voice to his thoughts. “I know it is scary bringing those past horrors into the present. However, I wholeheartedly believe talking about them will go a long way in helping you deal with them. Only then can you heal.”
Joshua obviously took Nash’s statement to heart because he blurted out, “I hated that goddamn room. At first, it would be for minutes, then hours. Once for over ten hours, with no food or drink while he was at work. I swear I thought my bladder was going to explode by the time he finally got home. I shouldn’t have complained about it, because it only got worse after I did. He didn’t stop locking me in there, but now hours turned into days. But hey, at least he left me a jug of water, scraps of food, and a bucket to relieve myself in. A big improvement, huh?”
Joshua was silent for a moment, but Nash didn’t answer the question. There was no need, and Nash wasn’t sure if Joshua had directed it at him anyway. Nash held him close and waited for Joshua to continue. He didn’t have to wait long.
“Nights were the worst. There wasn’t a single ray of light in that damn room. In the dark, my mind would wander and… I….” Joshua shook his head. “Honestly, it didn’t matter if he locked me in there for thirty minutes or ten hours or three days. Leaving me alone with nothing to look at or do meant I was stuck with only the thoughts in my head, and trust me, that is one scary fucking place.”
“I can see how that would be frightening, given your history of self-loathing. I wish someone in your past had had the good sense to help you with that, rather than exploiting it.”
“You’re helping me now.”
“Yes, and you’ve come a long way.” He placed a soft kiss to the top of Joshua’s head. “I’m very proud of you.”
“Thank you, Sir, but the credit really goes to you. I’m still as fucked-up as I’ve ever been. You are just much better at controlling me.” He chuckled, but if he was going for light or happy, he wasn’t terribly convincing.
Hmm. Nash wasn’t quite sure how to take Joshua’s statement. It worried him that Joshua felt he was “fucked-up.” Nash had hoped that with all the progress they had made working together that Joshua would believe he was healthier both physically and mentally. Nash needed to work harder on convincing the man that he wasn’t fucked-up because his self-image was much more important than what others thought.
Nash ran his hand up and down Joshua’s arm in a soothing manner. “I’ve seen you sitting quietly without prompting. You are far less twitchy and much more peaceful, so I’m going to hope that your head is a little less scary nowadays.”
“It’s because I have something good to think about these days. Whenever I start thinking too much about what I can’t do or my past, I just start focusing on you and ways to please you.”
“That means a great deal to me. It means you’re growing as my submissive, but that’s only a part of who you are. You are so much more than that, and it’s my job to convince you of that.”
Chapter Seventeen
SINCE MEETING Joshua at the club all those months ago, Nash had run the gauntlet of emotions. The attraction toward the other man was off the charts, and sexually it skyrocketed. However, their relationship quickly became beyond just sex. Nash wasn’t sure if Joshua had felt the deep emotional connection as early as Nash had, but Nash was sure Joshua felt it now. Joshua hadn’t told Nash he loved him. Still, there was no doubt. They were meant to be together—a belief Nash felt in his soul as he found himself thinking about Joshua all the time. It made work a bit of a challenge, and he was sure the people in his life got tired of him talking about Joshua all the time. But he couldn’t help it. He wouldn’t apologize. Joshua consumed him day and night.
Nash walked back in the door after waving goodbye to Joshua and Denny, who were taking Hazel to the dog park. He noticed a missed call on his cell phone and picked it up to retrieve the voicemail.
“Hello, Nash, it’s Cedric returning your call. I’ll be home the rest of the day. Call me back.”
Nash sighed in relief. He couldn’t wait to talk to Cedric about Joshua. He needed help and welcomed a professional perspective. He picked up the phone and called Cedric.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Cedric, it’s Nash. Sorry I missed your call.”
“That’s okay. How are you?”
“Fine.” He walked to the window overlooking the backyard and leaned his forehead against the glass, having a hard time getting his scattered thoughts together so he could speak to Cedric.
“‘Fine’ is such generic word, Nash. How about you tell me how you really are.”
“I mean… fine. Good….” He turned and leaned on the windowsill, facing the room. “Who am I kidding. I’m a fucking mess.” Nash cringed at how pathetic he sounded.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Yes, but I’d rather do this in person. Do you mind if I come over? I have a lovely new red wine we can share while I pour out my heart.”
“Absolutely, but you understand I can’t discuss what Joshua has said in private.”
“I know. Do you mind if I come now?”
“I don’t mind at all. I look forward to seeing you, Nash,” Cedric said softly, and Nash could hear the concern in his friend’s tone.
“Great. See you soon.” He hung up and turned once more to look out over the backyard. He took several deep breaths. His mind was still racing, his thoughts scattered, but hopefully Cedric would help him find some balance.
“THANKS FOR meeting me, Cedric.”
“I rarely turn down a chance to see an old friend, especially one who brings wine.” Cedric picked up his glass and raised it toward Nash before taking a sip. “How are things going?”
“Not bad, but I’m hoping you can help me make them a whole lot better.”
“Like I told you on the phone, I can’t discuss Joshua with you. You’re my dear friend, but I will not break my oath to my profession.”
“And I would hope you know I would never ask you to do that. It’s me that I want to talk about.”
Cedric raised a brow.
“Well, how best to deal with Joshua,” Nash amended.
“We haven’t really talked much about your contract.”
“It’s more than just the contract. I love him, and I want to do what’s best for him.”
“And you’re not sure if you are?”
Nash ran his fingers through his hair. “When it comes to Joshua, I’m not sure of anything anymore.”
“Except that you love him.” Cedric leaned back and sipped his drink, then favored Nash with a small smile.
Nash nodded. “Yes, which makes this all the more difficult. I knew he was going to be a challenge. I was warned he didn’t have limits, but I had confidence in myself. I knew I would never damage him. But now I’m not so sure.” Nash leaned back and looked at the ceiling for a moment, thinking. “I’m worried my love for him is making it difficult to push him to deal with the hard things. He’s struggling. I’m struggling. I want to help him so badly that it’s all I think about.”
“You’re a good man, Nash. If anyone can help this boy, it’s you. I know you’re not sure at the moment, but the desire and passion to help him speaks volumes.”
“I’m not sure if it will matter. He had a major breakdown yesterday and—”
Cedric sat upright, his features etched with alarm. “Is he okay? Why didn’t you call me?”
“He’s okay this morning,” Nash assured him. “He and Denny took the new pup to the dog park.”
“He got a dog? Wow, a lot has changed since I saw him last week.”
“I’m sure he’ll tell you about it tomorrow during your session with him, which is another reason I needed to see you today. Are you aware that Joshua was abused by a Dom?” Nash nearly choked on the word. “That’s an insult to Dominants. This… This… sadistic fucker basically locked him in a small room with nothing but a pot to piss in for days. I’m sure you’re aware of what happens to Joshua when he is left with his own thoughts for too long.”
Cedric leaned back in his chair and anger flashed across his features, but he composed himself quickly. “I didn’t know.”
“I don’t think either of us truly understands the full depth of the abuse and trauma Joshua has experienced. The past ten days have been extremely hard on him. The breakthrough he had with you at his last session and his breakdown yesterday have me questioning everything I do or say to him. My confidence is completely shaken.”
