by SJD Peterson
Joshua laughed bitterly. “Yeah, right. I’m dealing with them so well. I’m not just a train wreck; I’m driving the fucking train.”
Nash shifted on the couch to face Joshua. He took his hand in his and entwined their fingers. “I know it’s hard for you to see your progress, but I’ve seen it and I want to help you progress even further. In order to do that, I need help, and you have no idea how difficult that is to say that. But it’s true. The only thing that matters to me is you. You’ve become my life, and I will do whatever it takes to make you happy.”
Tears burned at the back of Joshua’s eyes, but he blinked them away. With his free hand, he grabbed his water and took a sip to dislodge the lump of emotion in his throat. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t understand why you want to or why you’re going through so much. I… I just don’t understand.”
“Because I love you,” Nash said with conviction.
“You’re crazy. You do realize that, don’t you,” Joshua said, trying to make light of the subject rather than allow it to get any deeper. He wasn’t sure how to deal with it, so joking seemed appropriate.
“I do. Crazy about you.” Nash released Joshua’s hand and ran the tip of his fingers gently along Joshua’s jaw. Joshua briefly thought maybe he’d succeeded, but Nash wasn’t having it. “Look, I know you’re probably tired of the constant change that’s been forced upon you, but this change isn’t being forced. I want you to have a part in this one, to make decisions on your own, ask questions, and figure out where you want to be, what your goals are for the long-term, not just about today or tomorrow, but twenty years from now.”
Joshua had thought it would be a quiet evening cuddled on the couch with Hazel and Nash. He wasn’t prepared for a deep conversation, didn’t want to talk about depressing or hard shit. His head throbbed and his pulse kicked up as panic began to settle into him. Part of him knew he was being irrational. Nash wasn’t saying anything bad, but it didn’t matter. That small voice in his head screamed, and adrenaline surged through him, kicking up his fight-or-flight response, a coping mechanism he’d relied on most of his life. It took every bit of willpower he could muster to stop from running out of the room. He took several deep, slow breaths in through his nose and out through his mouth. It helped a little.
Nash seemed to know Joshua was struggling because he ran a gentle hand over Joshua’s thigh, a small, knowing smile on his face. He didn’t say anything further until Joshua was able to get himself under control again.
Nash’s smile grew as if he was saying good job without using words. “I know neither of us would be completely happy without some aspect of our D/s relationship. It’s part of who we are. I realize you need structure, need tasks to keep you and your mind occupied, and that won’t change. However, those things can’t be the main focus for either of us.”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“Let me try this another way. As your Dom, I’m expected to know what you need, and some things are easy. For instance, I know you need structure. I know you need something to keep your mind occupied and challenged. You need to serve and you’re searching for peace. Other needs are more difficult, obscure even. Those are the things I’m struggling with, and until I know what they are, what will be the most beneficial to your mental and physical health, I can’t keep going at it blindly. I have to stop second-guessing myself. Does that make more sense?”
“I think so.” It really didn’t. He wasn’t really sure what Nash was saying but didn’t want to sound like an idiot.
“I’ll be right back.” Nash rose to his feet and left the room.
Joshua ran his fingers over his beard, then brushed his hair from his sweat-dampened brow. His heart rate had returned to normal, but he was still feeling jittery. It seemed like every fucking time he turned around, there was something new to deal with, another rule, a new emotion, change, change, change. Before he could ponder it further, Nash returned with two pads of paper and a couple of pens. He handed one of each to Joshua before returning to his seat next to Joshua.
“What I want you to do is write a goal for tomorrow, one for next week, next month, next year, and the final one in ten years. I’ll do the same,” Nash instructed.
Joshua tapped his pen on the paper. “You don’t want much, do you?”
“Aww, c’mon, babe. This isn’t supposed to be hard. Just write the first thing that pops into your head, okay?”
Joshua shrugged. “This should be interesting,” he mumbled lowly. He numbered the page from one to five. Considered the first one and started to laugh. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to write the first thing that pops into my head.”
“Why is that?” Nash asked.
“My goal for tomorrow is to get Hazel to make it through one day without biting my toes.”
Nash laughed as well. “Umm, yeah, that’s not exactly what I meant. How about we keep this about your personal goals or our relationship.”
“Okay, sure.” Joshua considered number one. What did he want to happen tomorrow? I don’t want to have a panic attack. He wrote it down, then turned his attention to the other four.
NASH SPENT a few minutes writing down his responses, taking his own advice and answering with the first thing that popped into his mind. Sure, some things might be silly or even appear trivial to some, but they were completely honest. A small snapshot of what he hoped for in the future. He studied the answers one more time….
1. Wake up with Joshua and a smile
2. Spend an entire day laughing
3. Have more good days than bad
4. Have Joshua’s trust
5. Married and living happily ever after with Joshua
Satisfied with the answers, he set the pad facedown on the table. From the expression of concentration on Joshua’s face, he was thoroughly thinking about his answers. Nash would rather Joshua not put so much thought into them. Writing down the first thing that popped into his head would truly be the most honest. Nash didn’t say anything. Instead he picked up his glass and went to his feet. He stood by the window, looking out at the backyard while he sipped on the cool liquid, giving Joshua time to complete his list. With each tick of the clock, Nash’s curiosity grew, but he didn’t rush Joshua, simply waited.
Several minutes later, Joshua finally said, “I’m finished.”
Nash turned around to find Joshua looking distraught. Christ, had he fucked up again? This was supposed to be an easy challenge, and instead he had his boy upset. He set his empty glass on the table, went to Joshua, pulled him into a hug, and kissed him gently.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get you upset. I thought this little exercise would be fun.”
“Ignore me. I can fuck up a day at the park,” Joshua said, sounding totally dejected.
“You stop that!” Nash demanded. “We have got to work on this self-loathing issue you struggle with. You’re smart, sexy, and have a huge heart, and I won’t have you talking about the man I love like that.” Nash pulled back slightly to meet Joshua’s gaze. “Understood?”
“I….” Joshua started to say something, then clapped his mouth shut and nodded.
Nash swallowed down his sigh. Man, he had a lot of work to do in helping Joshua build his confidence. Nash released his hold on Joshua, picked up the pad, and handed it to him. Only then did he take Joshua’s list and read it.
1. No panic attack
2. Make it through a week without being a crybaby
3. Make Nash proud
4. Still be Nash’s submissive
5. Alive
Nash rubbed at the ache in his chest as he read Joshua’s responses. They both gave him hope and broke his heart at the same time, especially the last one. That one word was a testament of how hard Joshua struggled with depression.
“Our answers are pretty different, huh?” Joshua asked.
“Yup, but we’re different people, and I think we can merge them,” Nash said, trying his best to keep his tone neutr
al. “Take the first one, you don’t want a panic attack. I want to wake up with you and a smile. I’d say that’s a good start to making your goal real.”
Joshua shrugged.
Nash continued. “Number two works as well. You don’t want to cry, and I want us to spend the entire day laughing. They totally go together. The only one I’m concerned about is number five. Is there a reason you wouldn’t be here in ten years?”
“It’s the only thing I could think of. I try not to make plans beyond today.”
“But in all seriousness, Joshua, you don’t have any plans to harm yourself, do you?”
Again, Joshua shrugged. “Not at the moment, but that can change on any given day.”
“You know I’m not going to allow that to happen if I can help it. I need you to tell me when you have thoughts like that. Promise me.”
Joshua bowed his head. “Okay.”
Nash took Joshua’s face in his hands and forced him to look at him. “I mean it, Joshua. Promise me and mean it.”
“I said I would,” Joshua snapped.
“Have you discussed this with Cedric?”
“He knows.”
Nash wrapped Joshua into a tight embrace. “It would kill me if anything happened to you. There is nothing we can’t get through together. You have me, Cedric, Malcolm, and Denny all in your corner. You’re not alone in this, babe.”
Joshua stayed stiff for long moments, then finally, after what felt like an eternity, hugged Nash back. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to. Nash knew his boy was relieved. He could feel it in the way his body slumped, melted into Nash’s body. They weren’t out of the woods, Joshua had a lot to discover, uncover, and deal with, but Nash would be there next to him every step of the way.
~*~
I have a new contract. I didn’t think I needed a new one, but apparently Nash did and of course he’s the boss. I agreed to it, because quite honestly, what choice did I have? Plus, he made a good argument. Now as I sit writing this, I don’t know if I made the right decision. I don’t know if I can survive without the bone-deep pain my mind and body crave. He’s assured me that we’ll find other ways to take me out of my head. I want to trust him, I do, but bruises, welts, and cuts have become my friends. They’ve been with me since as early as I can remember. I rely on them, look forward to them with wonderment as a child looks forward to Christmas. Without pain, the high it brings, the thrill, existence seems boring.
And what if he’s wrong?
What if he can’t find other methods?
What will that mean for me? What will happen when the monsters locked inside my closet no longer get their sacrifice of blood?
I’m scared, yet hopeful.
It’s a very odd sensation.
Chapter Nineteen
ITCHY. IT was the one word that came to mind for explaining how he was feeling. It had been a week since the new contract had been signed, and Joshua was having an extremely challenging time dealing. The first couple of days had been easy enough. They even checked off the first successful goal. Nash had woken the next day with a smile on his face and Joshua hadn’t had a panic attack. Then a second milestone when Joshua hadn’t cried like a baby. Even with the difficult session he’d had with Dr. Hobson, he’d stayed strong, worked through it, and really had been proud of himself. That hadn’t been on the list, but it was another success considering he rarely ever felt proud of himself. The problem he was facing now was number three on the list—make Nash proud.
The new contract was making it all the more difficult. Joshua had agreed to the changes, but he hadn’t realized how hard it would be. Nash still called the shots. He set Joshua’s schedule, gave him specific chores he had to complete. Between those and his care for Hazel, it kept him busy most of the time. Still, he found his mind wandering at times, and since morning discipline and physical punishment were no longer doled out, he couldn’t fall back on those sensations to focus on. Not only didn’t he have them, but fuck how he missed the burn, the way a good flogging could send him soaring. Especially today. Hazel had seen the vet earlier. She was in great physical shape, but the stress of the visit as well as the injections had left her exhausted and she’d been sleeping since they had returned home. Now, with his chores done and nothing to do, he was… itchy.
I want you to come to me with any concern, no matter how big or small.
Nash’s words came floating back to him, and he considered them for a moment. Maybe he could talk Nash into just one more session to get him over the hump. It was worth a shot. He found Nash in his office and quietly went inside and kneeled next to Nash’s desk chair. Nash continued to type on his computer for a moment longer, then ran his fingers through Joshua’s hair.
“What is it, boy?”
“I was wondering if…. Well, you see, I….”
“Deep breath, then tell me what you need,” Nash encouraged.
Joshua complied, taking a deep breath, holding it for a second, then letting it out slowly. “I’m itchy, Sir. It’s like my skin is too tight. I was wondering if… you know, just today we could do a scene.”
“Joshua,” Nash said gently. “You know why that’s not a good idea.”
Of course he knew. Nash had said it over and over. Nash wasn’t confident in his abilities, and until he was, there would be no bondage or spankings of any kind. When Joshua had agreed, he’d figured there was no way a man with Nash’s reputation could not be confident for long. A few days tops.
“I know, Sir. But I need it. Not only is my skin prickling but my chest feels tight and everything is tense. If I could just find some relief. Something to take my mind off it, you know?” Joshua peeked up from below his lashes to see the look of concentration. Please say yes, please say yes.
“Where is Hazel?”
“She’s sleeping, Sir.”
Nash went to his feet. “All right, let’s go down to the playroom.”
Joshua jumped to his feet. Damn, if he’d known it would have been this easy to change Nash’s mind, he’d have asked days ago. He had to hold his excitement in check to keep from racing past Nash. He was so ready to fly, to fucking soar right out of his head.
In the playroom, Nash walked to the cabinet. “Go to the center of the room and strip.”
Joshua didn’t hesitate. He whipped his shirt off as he moved, then shimmied out of his pants. He folded his clothes and set them aside, then went to his display position. His cock was already hard and straining upward in anticipation.
When Nash turned around, he had a smile on his face and a long narrow plug in one hand, a plain cock ring in the other. He grabbed a small cart with wheels, brought it over near Joshua, and laid out his supplies.
Nash pointedly lubed the plug. “I’m not going to restrain you. You’ll have to depend on your own will. You are to tell me if you’re close to coming.”
“I understand, Sir. I’m to tell you if I am close,” Joshua repeated.
“Good. Now, I rather suspect that a ring might be of some use,” Nash said dryly, holding it up.
“That’s very thoughtful of you, Sir.” Now if you’ll just fucking hurry. Damn, he couldn’t wait to have that damn itch relieved.
Nash squeezed the base of Joshua’s shaft and snapped the ring on. “There you go. That should hold you for a bit. Now, bend over, hands on your knees, and push that sweet ass out.”
Joshua wasn’t so sure how long the cock ring would hold back his orgasm. He was aching to feel Nash’s leather. He went to the position Nash had instructed and waited.
Nash apparently wasn’t in a hurry. He spent quite some time smoothing his fingers over the flesh of Joshua’s back and ass. Nash dug his blunt fingers into the skin of Joshua’s right asscheek, then bent down and bit the other cheek just enough for Joshua to feel a spark of pain.
“Oh God.” Joshua bit his lip and shifted a bit. Nash ran his lips over the abused flesh, then slipped the tip of one finger into Joshua’s asshole for a brief moment. “Oh my God,” Jos
hua hissed as Nash’s finger entered him, and he raised his ass to meet it. He was quickly disappointed when Nash moved away. He whimpered and turned his head to look over his shoulder, careful not to look directly at Nash but curious about what he was doing.
“Eyes front, boy,” Nash ordered.
Joshua snapped his head back to face the wall. “I’m sorry, Sir.”
“Pain can come in many forms. I know you miss your regular spankings, but we can find other ways to satisfy the need,” Nash whispered. Without warning, he thrust the plug into Joshua.
Joshua gasped loudly at the sudden, none-too-gentle invasion. It took him a second to adjust, and then he blew out a heavy breath.
“What you need to focus on is your normal chores. They can give you a sense of place, of what you are. When you know in your heart that you are submitting, you can take joy in these things. My job is to see that your needs are met, all your needs, the pleasurable ones and the painful ones.” Nash tugged the plug, then thrust in, seating it. Joshua arched his back. He dug his fingers into his knees to keep from going up on tiptoes.
“You have to start trusting that I know what’s best for you,” Nash continued.
Joshua didn’t respond. He couldn’t. Not with the way Nash jostled the plug, the friction on Joshua’s prostate driving him nuts. “Damn, that feels good,” he groaned. He squirmed and gasped as Nash unseated and reseated the plug over and over again. Joshua’s breath was coming quicker, his cock throbbing mercilessly.
“Are you aching? Are you craving my cock, or is it this you want?” Nash tugged on the plug, dragging it out of Joshua’s body, then back in fast and hard, pegging Joshua’s gland.
“You. Oh fuck, you, Sir. You!” Joshua cried. His words morphed to a long, drawn-out moan as Nash continued to play with the plug.
“But you seem to be enjoying this so much,” Nash said.
“Yes!” Joshua tried to explain, tried to speak, but his ability to form rational words was gone, his entire focus narrowed in on his ass.
