The Edge

by SJD Peterson

Nash thrust the plug faster, stretching, rubbing, overwhelming Joshua with sensation. The assault went on and on until Joshua could feel his orgasm coiling in his belly. His dick twitched madly as a steady stream of precum oozed from the small slit.

  “Please, Sir! More!” Joshua begged. He pushed his ass out and rocked into each thrust from the plug.

  Then suddenly the plug and Nash were gone.

  “No!”

  “Breathe, boy.”

  Joshua tried, but he couldn’t get a full lungful of air in. His ass spasmed, cock throbbed, and he wanted to come so fucking bad it hurt.

  “Joshua! Deep breaths.”

  The authoritative snap in Nash’s voice demanded Joshua’s attention, and he couldn’t ignore it even if he wanted to. He took in several deep breaths as he’d been instructed. After a few seconds, he was back under control. He still wanted to blow a nut, but at least he was no longer in any immediate danger of going against Nash’s wishes.

  NASH HAD every intention of plugging his boy with a larger plug and sending him out to do yard work. It would certainly give Joshua something to focus on other than the itch that had settled over him. However, Nash had gone too far. There was no way Joshua would be able to make it up the stairs with the plug hitting his prostate. He’d be coming before he made it to the top stair. Then again, that was the good thing about being the boss. It was his right to change his mind. Plus, nothing said he couldn’t plug his boy after he came. They’d both win. Rather than grabbing the larger toy, Nash snatched up a condom packet and opened it. He undid his pants and released his aching cock.

  Joshua had gone silent, but he was in almost constant motion, swaying, trembling, his hands grasping his knees so tightly his knuckles were white. His need was so great he couldn’t be still. Nash wasted no time getting the condom and rolling it down the length of his erection. He then grasped his dick around the base and lined the head up against Joshua’s hole. With one slow push, he was deep inside Joshua. His warm tight ass clamped down hard on Nash’s cock.

  “Is this what you wanted?” Nash asked, moving slowly in and out of Joshua.

  “Yes, so good,” Joshua moaned.

  Nash grabbed Joshua’s hips, holding him steady as he increased his movements until he was pounding into his boy rapidly. Joshua babbled incoherently, his entire body tense and thrumming. It wouldn’t be long.

  “Wait for me, baby. Hold on.”

  “I….” Joshua gasped, his head snapping back, and he held his breath.

  Nash knew Joshua would do his best to follow Nash’s orders, but he was only human. One, two, three more hard thrusts and Nash’s balls drew up. He released Joshua’s right hip and slid his hand over sweat-slicked skin to find the cock ring.

  “Come for me,” Nash demanded, then released the ring, letting it fall to the floor.

  “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Joshua cried as he gave in to his release.

  Nash grabbed Joshua’s hip again and pounded into him until Joshua was spent. Only then did Nash let go of the reins on his control and filled the condom deep within his boy.

  Joshua finally relaxed, panting, gulping for air. Still incoherent, but Nash made out some of the words like “Thank you” and “So good.”

  “My boy.”

  “Sir” came a quiet reply.

  Joshua’s voice sounded hoarse. Joshua was shaking, every muscle pushed to its limit. Nash forced himself to pull away and disposed of his condom. “Hands and knees, boy.”

  Joshua fell into position with a heavy thud.

  Nash couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face. He hadn’t planned on getting off, but now that he had, his mind was clear. He still had some work to finish, but he suspected the grin would be firmly in place while doing so, thanks to his boy. Oh, and his boy would be thinking of him long after he left the playroom. Nash picked up the larger plug and secured it in its holster. He stared at it briefly, his smile growing. Oh yeah, his boy would have plenty to focus on.

  ~*~

  So many good things have been happening. It’s been a full month since Nash and I signed our new contract, and it’s going well. Like really well. Which surprises me. I still ache at times to feel the kiss of his leather. To feel it against my skin once more is something I am striving for. Nash isn’t leaving me hanging. I have learned to ask for what I need. Actually, not really. It’s still a work in progress. But when the itching gets unbearable, I know I can ask and he’ll help me.

  Not all his methods are, shall I say, fun. I fucking hate the cock cage. It does its job, but Christ, it’s irritating like nothing else. For some reason, every time he puts it on, I pop a boner or at least try to. I sabotage myself each and every time. I’m not sure why. My body betrays my mind, I suppose. The plugs are cool and the edging is intense. He’s even got me doing yoga and working out. I’m okay with the physical stuff, the yoga not so much. I’m not that coordinated, but, hey, trying to stay balanced in some of those strange poses does take a lot of concentration.

  Dr. Hobson started me on an antidepressant med. The jury is still out on whether it’s helping. I don’t feel any different. I was super tired the first couple of days, but I don’t know, I think it may be a waste of time and money. The sadness and agitation still linger within me. I don’t focus as much on it, but I know it’s there, lurking, waiting. Sometimes I start to think about all I’ve done and gone through—shit I still have to go through—and I get overwhelmed. The hopelessness grabs me in its viselike grip and I can’t breathe. If it weren’t for Nash bringing me back from the edge of despair, I don’t know what I’d do. I shared this with Dr. Hobson, and he’s asked me to give the meds time, that sometimes it takes a while to find the right medication, so we’ll see. He and Nash are working really hard to help. I can’t let them down, so I’ll take the “happy” pills.

  Speaking of happy, I can’t help but wonder if Nash is. I mean he acts like he is. He’s been helping me in the garden, loves hanging out with Hazel, who I may add is a total fucking traitor. She has begun sleeping next to him on the couch, seeks out his attention, and begs him to go outside. I guess I shouldn’t be bitter. She and I obviously know our place and who’s alpha.

  Nash’s happiness…. Right.

  So, I’m trying to gauge it, and no matter how much he smiles or laughs, I know he misses our scenes. I mean, how can he not? I want to give him what he needs, but how can I do that if he’s the one making the rules? How long can a Dom go without being Dommy? I think I’ll talk to Dr. Hobson about it today.

  I’m starting to think about tomorrow and the next day and the next. Goals and looking forward to the future is a new concept for me. I’m scared to dream, terrified to hope, and yet….

  Here I am, writing in this stupid journal, getting up every day, putting one foot in front of the other, dealing with change, and cracking the door open a little on the past. Maybe I’m not a coward. Maybe, just maybe, I have a future to look forward to.

  Chapter Twenty

  “YOU’VE BEEN doing some sunbathing, I see. You look great,” Dr. Hobson complimented. He gestured toward the couch.

  Joshua took a seat. “Thanks. Actually I’ve been doing some gardening.”

  “I didn’t know you were a gardener.”

  “I’m not,” Joshua explained. “Nash thought it would be a good idea to grow my own herbs. I’m not sure how it’s going to turn out, but I’m giving it a shot.”

  “That’s great. It’s always good to try new things. Cooper has quite the green thumb so if you need any tips, I’m sure he’d be happy to help.”

  Joshua cocked his head. “Cooper?”

  “Yes, my boy. He’s maintained our garden for years.”

  It was the first time Cedric had shared anything personal with him. It made Joshua smile. “Thanks. I’ll be sure to take you up on your offer if I run into a problem.”

  “Be sure that you do. Cooper loves to talk horticulture.” Dr. Hobson sat in the chair across from Joshua and picked up his pen and pad. “So ot
her than planting and sunning, how’s the new arrangement going?”

  Dr. Hobson knew all about the new contract he and Nash had signed. He also knew how difficult it had been the past month, but things were getting a little easier each day. “I’m still struggling with the no discipline or punishment, but I have to admit, the way Nash deals with it has been quite creative.” Joshua grinned and shifted in his seat, jostling the plug. It wasn’t something they used all the time, but they found it helped him deal with his anxiety on session days.

  “From the look on your face, I’m guessing you’re truly enjoying Nash’s creativity?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “This week was your third goal. How’d it go?” Dr. Hobson inquired.

  “I think Nash may have achieved his, but I’m not so sure about mine.”

  Dr. Hobson stared at him for a moment, waiting for him to continue. Joshua wasn’t sure what else to say so he looked away. “What was Nash’s goal?”

  “To have more good days than bad. I think we’re getting there. I haven’t had a panic attack in two weeks and not a single urge to cut myself in a while. To be honest I have to give the credit to Hazel and the garden. They are keeping me super busy.”

  “But you’re still finding time to write in your journal?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  Dr. Hobson nodded. “That’s good. I want you to keep that up.”

  “How come you never ask me to bring it with me? I thought you would have asked by now. Aren’t you curious to what’s in it?”

  “That’s your personal diary. It’s a platform for you to write down your thoughts. Writing them gets them out of your head and onto paper.”

  “I hate to be the one to inform you, but it doesn’t work.”

  “What doesn’t work?”

  “Getting them out of my head. I’m not sure anything can do that.”

  Dr. Hobson wrote something on his pad, then looked back up. He might not want to read Joshua’s diary, but Joshua would love to get a glimpse at what Doc wrote about him.

  “I should probably clarify my meaning,” Dr. Hobson said. “It gets them out of your head, not to purge them from you to be forever trapped on the page, but for you to look at and consider. Have you read your diary from the beginning lately?”

  “No, I’ve never done that.”

  “Maybe you should,” Dr. Hobson suggested. “You might be pleasantly surprised at how far you’ve come.”

  “I’ll think about it,” Joshua said noncommittally. The emotions those entries brought out in him were still too raw. The good days really were starting to outweigh the bad just as Nash had hoped. Maybe once he was more comfortable with the whole “deserving happiness” notion, he’d consider reading the journal. But not yet.

  “Now back to your goals. What was your thirty-day goal?”

  “To make Nash proud.”

  “And you’re not sure you reached it?”

  “Nope,” Joshua said curtly.

  “I would think that since Nash reached his—the good days being more prevalent—that alone would make him proud of you. I know I am very proud of you.”

  Joshua thought about it for a minute. He supposed Dr. Hobson had a point. “I guess maybe I did reach it in that sense, but I don’t know about the success in being the kind of submissive Nash can be proud of. I feel like I’m the reason he lost his confidence, and that bothers me.”

  “Do you think he needs to raise a hand to you in order to be a good Dom?”

  “I think so.”

  Dr. Hobson set his pad down, then leaned back in his chair and crossed one leg over the other. “I’m going to let you in on a little secret. There are more variations to the definition of Dominant than you can ever imagine. Some do it part-time, full-time, occasionally, or somewhere in between. There are also those who never raise a single welt or red mark. I personally know a Dom like that, and he is very well-respected within the lifestyle. My point is, there is no single act that defines a Dom. It’s a state of mind, not any one thing he or she does. Nash’s confidence in his abilities has not changed. What has is whether they are the best for you. Those feelings and opinions are going to change over time as the two of you continue to grow and learn. So trust me, whether he raises a hand or not, Nash is very much a Dom.”

  “I guess, but I still can’t help but feel that I’m letting him down. He’s always enjoyed the bondage and he’s a master of implements. He enjoys those things, and because of me and my fucked-up issues, I’m denying him those pleasures.”

  “Nash cares more about you than any implement he has ever wielded, I assure you. Your well-being is the most important aspect to him, and I can’t reiterate enough how great a Dom that makes him. Give it time, Joshua. I’m positive you two will find a healthy balance that you’ll both find pleasure in.”

  Joshua hoped that was true. He had to hold on to it, because he simply couldn’t handle another failure in his life. He couldn’t lose Nash. “Thank you for saying that. It helps a lot.”

  “First you have to want to get better. You have to learn to deal with your problems, not for him but for yourself.”

  Joshua shook his head. “I can’t. Not right now. I want to do it for him. I owe him that.”

  “Joshua, long-term—”

  “I know.” Joshua lifted his head and met Dr. Hobson’s gaze with determination. “I will do it for me, honest, but right now pleasing him is more important. Knowing he’s there gets me through my bad days. I’ve never had anyone care about me like he does, and I’m not going to fuck it up.”

  Dr. Hobson smiled gently. “Okay. We’ll work on your self-priority later. Any more nightmares?”

  “Nope, not in an entire month,” Joshua admitted with true joy. “I’m sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve been in Nash’s bed the entire time. Something about having him next to me, somehow keeps them at bay.”

  “Have you told him?”

  “No.”

  “You know, it’s okay to compliment him on things or even discuss what’s working and what’s not. In fact, I think you should suggest a meeting with him, say once a week. A time and place where you can speak frankly, not as his submissive but his equal.”

  Wow, it was as if Dr. Hobson and Nash were on the same page. Nash had just recommended the same thing that very morning. “Have you been talking to him?” Joshua asked.

  “No, why?”

  “You sound just like him,” Joshua said slyly.

  Dr. Hobson laughed. “More proof of just how good Nash is.”

  THE SCENT of linseed oil, varnish, and paint wafted up from the workbench as Nash took care to clean each brush. Not that they were soiled, as he hadn’t added a single stroke to the painting. Each time Joshua went to see Cedric, Nash found himself unable to stand the confining walls of the house or relax enough to walk around the grounds. Instead, as he always had whenever he found himself twisted up inside, Nash sought comfort in his art.

  “Is that me?”

  Nash spun around to find Joshua standing at the door, staring at the unfinished painting. He dropped his brushes and rushed to the painting, snatching up the drop cloth. “I didn’t hear you come in. How was your appointment?”

  Joshua took Nash’s wrist and stopped him. “Is this how you see me?” he asked, sounding awestruck.

  “It’s not done, but yes.”

  Joshua ghosted his finger over the outline. “You’re very talented.”

  “I have a great subject.”

  Joshua shook his head. “No, this is extraordinary. How long have you been working on it?”

  “Since shortly after I first saw you.” Nash pulled his hand free and covered the painting. He then took Joshua in his arms. “You didn’t answer me. How was your appointment?”

  “It was good.” Joshua smiled and Nash believed him. The truth reached his eyes. “Dr. Hobson said I’m a work in progress, but I’m getting there.”

  Nash tightened his hold and returned the smile. “Yes, you are. We
both are.” He pressed a soft kiss to Joshua’s lips. “And I can’t wait to see how we turn out.”

  ~*~

  “What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.”

  ~Zig Ziglar

  Epilogue

  NASH RAN the soft leather through his fingers. He swallowed down the lump of emotion that lodged in his throat. A year of tears and laughter, sacrifice and reward, pleasure and pain. There were some days he wasn’t sure if they’d ever make it to their next goal, so many changes along the way, some good, some bad. Trial and error. But here they were standing before their friends, stronger not for reaching their dream but because of the struggles it took to achieve it.

  Nash cleared his throat. “Joshua, kneel before me.” He was delighted that his voice had come out clear and even.

  Joshua smiled, his joy at the promise of the collar evident on his face. He took a deep breath and went to his knees, facing Nash. Nash returned the smile and held the collar up—a narrow band of soft leather with an intricate design rising out of a lotus flower.

  “Take a good look at it, boy. Once I place it around your neck, it won’t come off again.”

  Joshua’s eyes were wide as he reached forward and ran a finger along the leather. “It’s beautiful.”

  “A lotus to represent a new beginning after going through difficult times, emerging from that struggle and becoming a symbol of strength.”

  Joshua turned the leather over and tilted his head so that he could read the inscription. “A warrior worthy of love,” Joshua whispered. He looked up at Nash with tears in his eyes. “Thank you, Sir.” His voice was tight. He handed the collar back to Nash, then clasped his hands behind his back.

  “You are a warrior,” Nash said. “You are worthy of love, and I am honored that you’ve given that love to me in return. This collar is a symbol of your submission to me. You are mine. I will work hard every day to remain worthy of your submission, trust, and love.” Nash placed the collar around Joshua’s neck and attached the small clasp. Nash’s breath hitched to see it around his boy’s neck. My boy! He struggled for a second to get the overwhelming emotions back under control before he could speak. “Stand,” he said hoarsely.