by Leslie Lehr
The sun dove for cover behind the house. Loss flickered in the dusk between them, along with the first real fireflies Michelle had seen in many years. When the porch light clicked on, she could see Nikki more clearly, dressed in an Ohio State tank top and a denim skirt. Her brown hair was cut short without care.
“You look good,” Michelle said, instantly aware of how little her opinion mattered, how silly her words must sound.
Nikki stopped a few feet away and lowered her camera. “So do you.”
Michelle reached her with her good arm, inhaling the rancid scent of bug spray, her favorite perfume as of right now. Nikki was an inch taller, and she’d lost more than the weight she gained in Hawaii. Michelle would fatten her up with potato salad and peanut butter Buckeyes—all the local delicacies. She studied her daughter’s face, but for the first time, Nikki’s eyes were unreadable.
“I missed you,” Michelle said, or thought she said. Her voice sounded strange, because the lump in her throat had grown to feel like a concrete dam choking back her words. She heard children whooping like Indians and wondered if they still used that term for the Wyandotte—or if they were Native Americans now—but frankly she didn’t care. There were a million other thoughts stacked in her head and if she pulled one out they would scatter like pickup sticks and she might lose hold of her baby, finally back in her embrace.
“Mama!” a little girl cried.
Michelle answered in her head, like when a child calls across a toy store and every nursing mother’s milk bursts in sticky circles beneath her blouse. A moment later, a ragtag parade of children in party hats scampered over the rise, followed by a matronly woman in a housedress.
Nikki broke away to snap pictures like a babysitter on duty. Michelle couldn’t tear her eyes from Nikki’s face, her confidence with the camera aimed at the children skipping across the lawn. Nikki scooped up a crawler in a pink tutu and straightened her birthday crown. She gave the squirming child a squeeze, then spun her around and lowered her slowly, until she could stand by herself on the soft grass. “There’s someone I want you to meet. Mother, this is Noelle.”
Michelle blinked at the girl’s brown eyes, framed by long lashes, familiar from the brochure—and beyond. She collapsed to her knees and knelt at eye level, steadying herself with her good hand. Noelle. After a moment, she found her voice and glanced up. “Christmas in July?”
Nikki nodded. She held her daughter against her knees and removed the birthday crown to finger-comb her hair.
“Happy birthday, Noelle,” Michelle said. “I like your tutu.”
“Mine!” Noelle cried. Nikki laughed.
The porch light blinked on. The sliding door opened, and Elyse appeared with a pile of gifts.
“Nana!” Noelle tried to pull away from her mother.
“This is your Nana Michelle,” Nikki said, holding her there. “She’s a present, too. The one we’ve been waiting for.”
Noelle stopped wiggling and scrunched her eyes at Michelle.
“Happy birthday,” Michelle said again, blinking back tears.
Noelle rubbed her tiny fist against Michelle’s right hand. Her sparkly pink nails were clenched around a toy.
Nikki nodded for Michelle to take it. “I think it’s a present for you.”
“Thank you,” Michelle said, but her reach was slow. Something fell and rolled a foot away. She clenched her teeth against the pain to reach farther, finally closing her weak fingers around the muddy figurine. She rubbed the dirt away to see a painted ballerina in the blue tutu. It was the smallest nesting doll.
Noelle put her arms around Michelle’s neck in a stranglehold, her warm breath tickling her ear. Michelle’s arm tingled as she lifted it up inch by inch, reaching to wrap both arms around Noelle’s tiny back. She hugged her so tightly that she forgot to breathe; she could inhale this child instead.
Noelle broke away and toddled a few steps toward her mother. Nikki immediately adjusted her camera and aimed like an expert. Click-click-click.
Michelle ignored the noise. “You shot the brochures?”
“And portraits. You’d be amazed how much parents will pay.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” Michelle said.
After a dozen steps, Noelle fell down. She looked up at her mother, ready to cry. Instead, she broke out giggling. Nikki grasped her tiny hand and pulled her back up to a stand. She twirled her slowly, like the ballerina in her music box.
“You used to twirl like that,” Michelle called to her daughter.
Elyse stepped up quietly behind Michelle and helped her up. “So did you.”
The woman in a housedress emerged from the porch with a tray. “Who wants cake?” she called.
The children squealed and scrambled to the stairs leading up to Elyse’s deck. After the woman set the lopsided cake on the picnic table, she looked up and waved. It was Noah’s mother. Michelle had never seen the woman smile, but it was a beautiful sight. She waved back.
Elyse picked up the birthday girl and carried her over to the garden hose, calling the other children to join them and wash their hands.
Michelle caught up to Nikki, confused. “My mother knew the whole time?”
“No, not until after Hawaii. I didn’t show for a while, and I ate so much poi on that pirate boat that I convinced myself I was just getting fat. But after a few more months, it got too hard to zip the wetsuit and keep those stripes straight. I knew I had to find a doctor. I got desperate.”
“So you sold drugs?”
“It’s not like it sounds. When I saw you that last time in the hospital, it was awful. Nana told me to say good-bye. I had to get away from it all. I swiped some of Daddy’s pills to feel better, but I was throwing up so much in Hawaii, pretending to be seasick, that I knew I shouldn’t take them, so…”
“You’re lucky you weren’t arrested.” Michelle scolded herself for the tone.
“I know. And by the time I was ready to deal with being pregnant, it was too late to do anything but wonder if the baby would look like Noah.”
This time, Michelle was more careful. “Did you love him?”
“Not like I love her,” Nikki said, glancing back at Noelle.
Michelle understood exactly.
“I wanted to tell you first, but as soon as I heard you woke up, I read about the lawsuit online and I was afraid.”
“So you called Nana?”
“I was afraid Daddy would be furious. I had the baby here, but…” She fiddled with her camera strap. “When he kept calling about your rehabilitation, Nana’s boyfriend warned her to be careful about other people nosing around. I had to make myself scarce.”
Michelle noted the stickers from San Francisco and Chicago on Nikki’s camera strap, cities where the echo of Elyse’s name would still rate a bunk backstage. “That must have been rough.”
Nikki shrugged. “One of the ballet teachers helped out. And Noah’s mother. I’d hinted about being pregnant in a postcard, but I didn’t get in touch again until Noelle was born and I got desperate. She sent money as soon as she could. She has a vested interest.”
“So do I!” Michelle heard her voice rise with frustration, but she couldn’t stop the volcano of emotions from erupting. “You must have heard that I was out of the hospital. Why didn’t you at least call? And I don’t mean to leave a message.”
“Because you would have found me!” Nikki tried to hold back her tears. “People have been searching for me almost from the beginning—Dad and Noah’s father and lawyers and reporters and fans—my own brother has no idea that I follow him as a school friend on Facebook. Then you learned I was missing—and within weeks, you were so close I could hear you calling my name!”
“In Key West?”
Nikki nodded, then lowered her voice and continued. “I wanted to answer, I really did. But all those people were keeping tabs on you. If you’d found me, everyone else would have found me too, then they would have found Noelle. And I couldn’t let that happen.” She looked up and
met Michelle’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”
It was in the card all along: Hello, Mother. I feel awful about what happened. But I can’t see you like this. I hope you understand. Love, me.
Michelle wiped her daughter’s tears. “I’m sorry too—about Noah.”
“No one is innocent here. Except…” Nikki pointed at Noelle. “I want her to grow up away from all the fuss. When the legal stuff is settled, Laura can set up a trust and Noelle will be safe.” They watched as the little girl climbed up on the picnic table and plunged her hands in the cake.
Laura laughed and braced Noelle from a fall, then leaned in to give her a kiss. I would do anything to protect that child. She hadn’t been referring to Noah on the witness stand. She meant his daughter, Noelle. That turtle postcard was left exposed in her drawer at the office on purpose. She wanted to lure Michelle off the trail. But it was also a gift of hope.
Michelle watched Elyse turn off the hose and run to stop Noelle. She picked up a birthday napkin and tried to wipe Noelle’s face, then gave up and wiped frosting off her white pantsuit. “So she wore your scarf to the trial on purpose? That explains why her outfit didn’t match.”
Nikki giggled in agreement.
Michelle smiled and turned back to her. “But what if I hadn’t recognized that yarn? What if I hadn’t understood the message?”
Nikki stopped giggling. “Then I would know for sure that the mother I knew was gone. Losing Noah was bad enough. But losing you?”
She could no longer speak for crying. Michelle took her in her arms, both arms, and held her close.
After a moment, Nikki spoke up. “Will you help me call Daddy later? She was—an accident. But I need him to understand.”
“Of course,” Michelle murmured. There was no such thing as an accident.
Elyse’s exasperated voice rang out from the porch as she passed plates out to the other children. “Nikki, it’s time to cut what’s left of the cake!”
Nikki giggled again and wiped her tears as she pulled away. She looped her arm around Michelle’s waist and led her toward the deck. “Would you like a piece? It’s chocolate.”
“I love chocolate,” Michelle said.
“I know,” Nikki replied. She skipped up the stairs to do the honors.
Michelle set the tiny painted doll on the wooden railing. She was tempted to line up all five of them, but there was no need; they were all here. Elyse lit the candle, and they sang the birthday song. Nikki’s voice was full with forgiveness and regret, hopes and dreams, and all the plans that paled in the light of the moon.
Michelle plucked a dandelion. She waved it around until the cottony seeds drifted like fluffy parachutes to the ground. They dotted the summer rye rolling down the hill to the creek that connected to the river beyond. Michelle thought of the blue lines on the map, how they connected the dots of the cities she searched in, the states that separated them, the oceans she swam in her dreams. Not one of them was alone for a moment, not on this tiny ball of Earth spinning below the heavens, sparkling with stars like a mirrored ball.
It was a wonder she didn’t fall off.
Reading Group Guide
1. This story takes place in Hollywood, the origin of our celebrity culture. Michelle loves her work, yet keeps her children “as far away as possible.” Do you think this is a realistic objective?
2. Michelle has compromised her career for her family and her family for her career. Are women wrong to want to have it all? Do you think women can have it all?
3. If parents experimented with drugs at some point in their life, should they share this information with their children? How do you think this could affect their relationship with their children?
4. Michelle was worried that Nikki was suicidal. Do you believe that suicide is prompted by mental illness or is a deliberate act? Is it preventable?
5. Why was it so hard for Michelle to forgive her mother? How did Michelle’s history with her mother influence her when it came to being a mother to Nikki?
6. Michelle’s hopes for her daughter changed from wanting her to be wildly successful to just wanting her to be happy. How do you think this compares with other parents? Do you think she was wrong?
7. Why did the author include Michelle’s run-in at the DMV with a “perfect mother” whose tennis champ son became a junkie?
8. When Michelle wonders who she is without her daughter, she is talking about a large part of her identity. How do you think our identities are linked to our familial relationships?
9. Becca knows that the reason Michelle can’t reach her friend Sasha is because Sasha is with Michelle’s husband. Is she being a good friend by not telling her—or a bad one? What would you do?
10. How were Julie and Cathy both allies to Michelle? How did they also hurt her?
11. Many parents travel for business, but the film business is known for location affairs. How does this change the character of the mothers at home? Do you think it contributed to the weakening of Michelle’s marriage?
12. When Michelle says she “couldn’t afford to miss” Drew, what did she mean?
13. Why did Dr. Palmer value the very qualities in Michelle that threatened Drew?
14. Lexi notes that Michelle finds it “easier to blame” herself than to accept all the things that are out of her control. Why is this true for Michelle? Have you ever felt this way?
15. Elyse tells Michelle that Nikki is “a mystery,” but she offers hints as to her whereabouts. Why doesn’t she tell Michelle the truth?
16. The mothers in this story—Michelle, Elyse, Julie, Cathy, and Noah’s mother—all took unethical actions to protect their families. What do these women have in common? How do they differ?
17. Do you believe what Elyse says, that “there are no accidents”?
18. How did Michelle’s relationship with her son end up being the turning point in her testimony?
19. What is Michelle’s true need? How is it different from her desire in this story? How are they related?
20. When Nikki ran away, the places where she spent time tended to be places where her family had vacationed. What does this say about Nikki?
21. Noah’s mother was Jewish but worked at a Catholic hospital. What does this tell us about her character, and how is it reflected later by her actions?
22. How do the symbols of the turtle and the starfish represent Michelle’s character growth?
23. Cake is a symbol that even the author was unaware of until the story was complete. The confection is featured at both the beginning, the end, and in a different but significant event in the middle. Why does cake enhance such moments?
24. Which character do you most identify with and why?
25. How far would you go to protect your child?
Acknowledgments
Thanks to Mollie Glick, for believing in this story from its dark beginning, and to her excellent assistant, Kathleen Hamblin, as well as Stephanie Abou and Rachel Hecht at Foundry Literary & Media. Thanks to my insightful editor, Shana Drehs, and the rest of the team at Sourcebooks, including Beth Pehlke, Heather Hall, Danielle Jackson, Valerie Pierce, and Nicole Villeneuve.
A big hug for my brilliant husband, John Truby, who pointed out the detective story beneath my fancy prose. I’m so lucky to have found someone who enjoys discussing the possibilities of a single sentence as much as I do.
Medical expertise was provided by Dr. Robert M. Bilder, Ph.D., Tennenbaum Professor of Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences and Psychology at UCLA’s Semel Institute—whose full title is so much longer that I’m honored he found time to help. Legal aspects were honed by the real Kenneth Kazan, an attorney far more sophisticated than the fictional character on these pages. Any medical or legal mistakes that remain are mine.
A special note of appreciation goes to my aunt, Edith Amsterdam, the true proprietor of the fabulous Curry Mansion in Key West, Florida. Scenes in Santa Monica and Maui evolved from work with Nancy Zafris and Jim Krusoe of the MFA program at Antioc
h University.
Thanks to my readers who were game from the first draft: my sister Tracy Lehr, who will appreciate the angst even more when her girls are teenagers; the real Cathy Kazan, a friend since our daughters were in preschool and who is far hotter than her fictional counterpart; Janet Orloff, who also served as my psychology expert; Karen J. Rinehart, Sandwich Generation blogger; and the real Michelle M., the hairstylist who made me feel so pretty at my wedding that her name became a touchstone.
This story was inspired by love for my sweet daughters, Juliette and Catherine Spirson, and serves as an ode to my mother, Dr. Claire Lehr.
Finally, I’m grateful to everyone who understands how our children’s happiness is often the key to our own.
About the Author
Megan Stark Photography
Leslie Lehr is the award-winning author of the novels 66 Laps and Wife Goes On, and humorous parenting books including Welcome to Club Mom. Her essays have appeared in the anthology Mommy Wars, The Honeymoon’s Over, and Arianna Huffington’s On Becoming Fearless. She was the screenwriter for the romantic thriller Heartless and sold the script Club Divorce to Lifetime. She has a BA from the USC School of Cinematic Arts and an MFA from Antioch. She has two daughters and lives with her husband in Santa Monica.
Please visit Leslie at www.leslielehr.com.
