“I’m scared of how I feel.”
I wanted more of exactly this. My need for Stone was growing at an exponential pace.
“I don’t want you to be afraid. Not with me. I want to be your safe place.” He squeezed my fingers in reassurance.
“Before those people invaded my home, and before I admitted my feelings for you, everything used to feel constant, like I had control. Nothing is the same any longer, and I don’t know how to handle that.”
“We’ll figure it out together.”
“Why do you want to do that?” I implored.
“Right here.” He pointed to his chest. “I know you better than I know anybody. Have from the time we met. When I’m with you, when I think about you, life makes sense.” He shook his head. “That sounds crazy, but I don’t know any other way to explain it.”
“I know what you mean,” I said. “When I saw Daniel, something in me recognized him. He gave me peace before we’d ever spoken a word.” I tucked a leg up under me. “With you, it was an almost opposite reaction. I knew you, but something stirred in me, a place inside I didn’t know existed. You woke me up.”
“Then why are you fighting against us so hard?”
“I like control. You make me feel out of it.” I toyed with the leather of my boot. “And I’m afraid one day you’ll realize I’m a mistake, and I don’t think I could recover from that.”
“What would it take to prove I’m not going anywhere?” Time was the most obvious answer.
“It’s impossible for you to make a commitment like that when you aren’t fully informed.”
“There’s an easy fix to that, darlin’.”
“Don’t make light of it.” I snatched my hand from his and folded my arms over my stomach.
“That didn’t come out right. I know telling me what happened is gonna be hard on you—”
“On you too,” I interrupted, rubbing at an imaginary scuff on my boot.
“Yeah.” The word came out hoarse. “But we can’t go much further if you keep shutting me out.”
“It’s hard.”
“I know it is, but if we stay in a comfort zone, we’ll never know just how much we’re capable of.”
I sank into the seat and stared out the window. He took a sharp turn down a building-lined avenue. I grabbed the handle above my head.
“Where are we going?”
“I know where I want to go, but we’re lost.” He cut across two lanes and turned at the next street.
“We could use the GPS.” I put my foot back on the floorboard and held onto the armrest on the door.
“That’s not going to get us there.”
“Why do I feel like we’re talking about two different things?”
He stopped abruptly to let a pedestrian cross the street before he made another turn. Then he gunned the engine, racing a cab as it passed.
“Stone, what are you doing?”
“Tell me what you want.”
“I want you to slow down.” I splayed my hands on the door and the center console.
“I meant out of this. Life.”
“It doesn’t matter what I want.” I dropped my head down.
“Stop thinking about what you feel you can’t have. If there were endless possibilities, what would you want?”
I rounded my shoulders and refused to look at him.
“I’m not doing this.”
“Don’t hide from me.”
“Isn’t it enough I told you how you make me feel?” I shouted. “I’m trying. What more do you want from me?”
“I want it all.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Muriella
I slammed the door to my bedroom, and darkness enveloped me. How could he ask for more when I was giving him all I could? This touching and opening up about my feelings had me completely exposed. As much as I hated the dark, I preferred to hide in the shadows. Stone was determined to bring me into full sunlight, even though I didn’t want to be there. Didn’t know how to be there.
Fumbling on the wall for the light switch, I hesitated before flipping it when a glow began to shine from my ceiling. I looked up. Hundreds of tiny stars glittered on the surface.
I sagged against the back of the door and just stared up, my irritation thawing. If this was how he fought, I was bound to lose. But if I got him in the end, was that really a defeat?
I slipped back into the hallway and was almost to his room when I heard noise coming from the kitchen. That’s where I found him, back at the coffee pot, another mess on the counter.
“When did you put those up?”
He turned, the tips of his ears tinged pink. “You liked sleeping under the stars so much, I thought you might like to do it every night.” My hand flew to my throat as tears stung my eyes. Alarm streaked across his face. “I can take them down.”
“Don’t you touch them,” I said, my voice scratchy.
He propped a hip against the counter. “Still mad at me?”
I grabbed the back of a barstool. The coffee pot began to brew, breaking the silence as I fought for an answer.
“I’m struggling, and I don’t want you to see that,” I finally said.
Understanding flitted through his eyes. He pointed with his chin at his phone laying on the counter. “I tried to call Mitch. Tell him everything.” He glanced down at the floor before looking back up at me. “I couldn’t do it. Which is stupid, right? He’s already upset. I’m probably making it worse, but somehow I’m hoping Granddaddy can smooth it over.”
“You don’t want to confirm your brother’s fears.”
“How do you tell somebody that there’s a very real possibility they’re about to lose the only place they’ve ever called home?”
“It’s hard,” I said quietly.
His gaze flicked to mine before he looked away and cursed. “You’ve been through that.”
“At least you’ll have your family, even if you lose your home.”
He flinched and turned his back to me. His shoulders hunched over as he clutched the counter. “For all my big talk, I’m an insensitive bastard.”
I rounded the island and placed a hand on his shoulder. He jumped at the contact, his breaths deep and measured. I focused on the fact that he needed me…and maybe I needed him too.
“The stars glowing on my ceiling tell a different story,” I said softly.
“How did you do it? How did you survive losing everything?” He still wouldn’t look at me.
“On the ship, I pretended Mama was with me. That we were on one of our adventures. I refused to think about what I’d left behind.” I rested my back against the counter, just not touching him. “This is going to sound strange, but it was almost like there was a fortress around my mind and my heart so all I could focus on was survival.”
“Did you have any idea where you were going?”
“No. Just enough hope to get me there.” Would I want to make that journey again? Absolutely not. If I had to do it to be where I was now? I’d suffer in the darkness and heat over and over.
“So young and no choice,” he murmured.
“But you do have one,” I said. “Even if you have to start over, we’ll get through it together.”
He lifted his head. “I’ve been looking at this the wrong way, haven’t I?”
“You have to fight for what belongs to you. I don’t mean to just give it up.” I faced him. “But if the worst happens, you’ll survive because your family is what matters. The ranch is part of your bond, but it doesn’t define it. If you had to choose one or the other, what would it be?”
He clenched his jaw. “Them. Every single time.”
I gave him a satisfied nod, even though I’d already known the answer to the question. “Your love for your family is one of the things I like most about you.”
He blinked at me. “It’s a value we share.”
We were different and yet the same in so many ways. As I stared at him, I realized it wasn’t Stone I didn’t trus
t, but myself. With him, I was safe. I was afraid I would lose him if I let him into my darkness, but he’d proved over and over again that he fought for the things he cared about no matter the cost.
He was scared the truth about the ranch would hurt his family, just as I was that my truth would hurt him. I wanted him to be honest with his family, yet I couldn’t be honest with him, and it was so easy to justify my actions to myself when they weren’t just at all.
But when he found out what had happened to me, we would fundamentally change. It would be the thing between us that would never go away. And I couldn’t live with that.
Stone stretched his arm in front of me, just not touching my hip, silently asking my permission. I appreciated the gesture, that he understood what I needed, but longed for the day when he didn’t have to. Could we ever get to the point where we were both comfortable to do as we pleased?
I leaned very slightly toward him, and his strong hand eased around the curve of my waist. Gently, he guided me so that I was in between his body and the counter. My breath faltered, but not from fear. Being this close to him made me dizzy in the best possible way.
He touched his forehead to mine. “I love you.” His eyes were intense when he pulled away. “Have for a long time. Just wanted you to know.”
I fisted his shirt in my hands as my knees went weak. He loved me? But the part of my heart I constantly kept quiet already knew. The glow-in-the-dark stickers scattered all over my ceiling were hundreds of little confirmations.
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
He brushed his thumb across my lips. “Don’t ever forget that.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Stone
“Want to come to the set after school?”
I rinsed out my coffee mug and put it in the top rack of the dishwasher.
“Wouldn’t I be in the way?” Muriella shrugged her bag onto her shoulder.
“Let me get that.” I held out my hand, and she reluctantly gave it to me. “I’d like for you to.”
She moved toward the foyer and picked up her keys from the console table. I grabbed my UT baseball hat and shoved it on my head before swiping the keys to the truck.
“You don’t have to drive me,” she protested as I held the door open for her, but it was half-hearted.
“I want to.”
She fiddled with her earring as we waited for the elevator. “I’ll come. Text me the address.”
If I wasn’t mistaken, she did a nervous shuffle of her feet, but a chime signaled and she marched through the doors.
“I’ll pick you up.”
She pursed her lips. “I can make my own way to and from work.”
“Is it selfish I want a little more time with you?” I leaned against the wall as we descended to the garage.
“No.”
“You okay this morning?” Yesterday I thought we’d gotten closer, but today I felt the distance between us again.
“Fine.”
That wasn’t a good sign.
I held open the passenger door of the truck while she climbed inside. Her posture was rigid as I closed her in the cab.
After I cranked the engine, I plugged in my phone and “True Love Ways” by Mickey Gilley began to play. If this was how we had to communicate, so be it.
She turned down the volume until the music was low in the background.
“I had a nightmare.”
My hand froze on the gearshift.
“I meant to turn the light on, but I wanted to see the stars and fell asleep. I can’t be in the dark,” she whispered.
A chill took hold. I’d done that. By trying to bring her joy, I’d hurt her.
“Want to talk about it?” I asked, letting the truck idle.
She shook her head, refusing to look at me.
“You could’ve come to me.” I needed to touch her, but couldn’t risk upsetting her.
“I didn’t want to wake you. It’s fine,” she brushed off. “It’s just been a while.”
“Can you make me a promise?”
“I’m not sure.” Her fingers spread over her knees.
“If it happens again, please wake me up. You aren’t alone anymore. Even if you don’t want to talk about it, let me be there for you.”
Her nod was almost imperceptible. “Okay.”
That didn’t satisfy me, though it would have to do. We were walking through a field of landmines, every step setting off a new explosion. Neither of us knew how to navigate it, and it was only getting harder. She kept getting hurt no matter my intentions. That was something I’d never accept.
Chapter Thirty
Muriella
Anticipation pulsed at the sight of the black pickup truck parked exactly where Stone promised he’d be. The flurry of children and parents had disappeared, the outside of the school now empty and quiet.
For the first time since this morning, a sliver of calm filled in the cracks the vivid nightmare had broken wide open. More than once, I’d wished for the comfort of an embrace from Vivian. The fear had its tendrils firmly around me. I needed more than kind words or a shoulder to cry on. A soothing touch to erase the scathing ones I couldn’t escape was the only thing that could help me get out of this nightmare’s grasp.
Stone hopped out from the driver’s side and strode toward me. I met him halfway, squeezed my eyes shut, and flung myself into his chest. Strong arms folded me into them.
“Hey,” he said against my hair.
I clung to him more tightly and inhaled his sunshine and outdoors scent. The peace I’d been searching for slowly seeped into me. He stroked my back and kissed the top of my head, exactly what I’d needed since I’d woken up in a sweat. Instead of fear, there was only gratitude. I held on to him with all my strength.
Please God let me have more of this.
I wanted to be able to hug him like this anytime, for no reason, and not be scared. The plea seemed simple enough, but it was a big ask. One I prayed would be granted. Not just for me, but for Stone too.
Eventually, I relaxed my grip, though I didn’t let go.
“I had a bad day,” I whispered. “But the cupcakes helped.”
When the delivery had arrived, I’d hated the attention. I deflected questions as best I could, but the children were thrilled when they discovered Stone had sent enough for the whole class.
His face twisted in pain. “Let’s get you home. We can go to the set another time.”
“But you have to work,” I protested.
“I’m not leaving you to face this on your own.” He brushed a loose strand of hair from my eyes.
“I’ll be okay.” I already felt a little better. The darkness on the fringes of my heart had receded, yet lurked, ready to creep up on me again.
“You don’t have to pretend with me.”
“I know.” Gently, I shoved at his stomach. “We should go. I’m not ready to go home yet anyway.” The thought of another nightmare had me desperate to evade sleep. I dreaded when the time for bed would come.
He studied my face, eventually relenting. “Whenever you want to leave the studio, we’ll go.”
“Did you hear any news about the ranch?” I asked as we wandered toward the truck.
“No. I talked to Daniel, but he didn’t mention anything new.” He held open the door for me.
“You spoke to him?” I hesitated with one foot in the pickup, the other on the ground.
“Yeah. Close to lunchtime. Why the frown?”
I started to say it was nothing, but I wouldn’t want Stone to do that to me.
“He still hasn’t returned my call.”
“I reached him on Vivian’s phone, but didn’t ask why.” Stone leaned against the doorway, squinting as he tried to piece together the details.
“They’re busy.”
“You could call him now,” he suggested, and I shook my head.
As soon as Daniel heard my voice, he’d know something was wrong. I couldn’t risk upsetting him about
the return of my nightmares.
“No. It can wait.”
It was after midnight when we finally returned home.
“You don’t have to be at school tomorrow, do you?” he asked as we stepped into the foyer.
The lamp on the console table was already glowing, but the lights overhead flicked on. I paused and looked back. Stone’s hand wasn’t on the switch.
“No. Only three days a week.” I shook my head and moved deeper into the apartment.
As soon as I crossed the dark threshold of my room, the lights came on. I whipped around. Stone stood behind me, hands in his pockets.
“I didn’t want you to ever be in the dark.”
I looked back to my brightened room in bewilderment. “How?”
“This hotel I stayed in, every time I went in the closet the lights came on automatically.” He rocked back on his heels. “I had your room and the entry done first.”
“I—” I clutched my throat, at a loss for words.
“There’s an app on your tablet that will turn them on and off too, no matter where you are.”
Tears pricked my eyes. “Thank you.” I wanted to hug him, but couldn’t.
Stone grabbed the back of his neck. “I’m gonna turn in.”
I nodded, dread of going to sleep filling me. With a quick glance toward the bed, anxiety pricked at me. There had to be something that needed to be done. I hadn’t checked Vivian and Daniel’s apartment today. Surely, they had some laundry I could tend to.
He dropped his hand and straightened. “I’d like to stay with you tonight. I’ll sleep in the chair or on the floor, wherever you’ll have me. Can I do that? Will you let me try to keep the demons away?”
I folded my arms over my stomach, torn between wanting that very thing and my rising fear.
“I—” The sound died in my throat. I stared at him, then at the bed. I didn’t want to be alone if another nightmare came. The thought of that was worse than allowing him to stay with me. We’d done it once and survived.
Three Dates (Paths To Love Book 2) Page 16
