by Wendy Owens
“And who do you want to be?” His question is genuine. I can see it in the way he’s watching me.
The words slip from my lips with such ease, I surprise myself. “I guess I want to matter.”
“Who do you want to matter to?” His voice is soft, and a glint in his eyes tells me that he understands. I wonder if he has burned with the same desire.
I shake my head. “I don’t think it’s a question of who. It’s more that I want to make a difference in some way. I know it sounds totally cheeseball, but I want to leave the world a little better than it was before me.”
“Bullshit,” He huffs, his gaze now narrowed.
“Excuse me?” I choke out.
I feel my lips tighten; I hate that he causes such a physical response in me.
He doesn’t look away, convicted in his declaration. “First off, there’s nobody in the world that is all doe-eyed and selfless as you’re playing yourself to be.”
“I never said I was selfless!” I snap.
He mocks me with a high-pitched voice, “I just want to leave the world a little bit better.”
“Stop it!” I demand.
“Why can’t you just be honest with yourself?”
“I am.” I insist, backing up a few steps, but he matches my movements.
“And you can’t make the world a better place with him?” I shift in the water, his relentless questioning making me uncomfortable.
“I didn’t say that. I swore I was going to marry him someday, but I realized I spent so much time wanting to be wanted by him there was nothing left of me. I don’t want everything I am to be wasted on making a relationship work. Love should make you stronger. It should make you more, not suck you dry.”
“That’s probably the most honest statement you’ve made to me about him.”
“Shut the hell up.” I snarl. He laughs, and it only serves to piss me off more.
“For the record, I think he’s crazy,” Aiden adds, his tone once again tender.
I huff, but I have to know. “Crazy for what?”
“Not wanting you back.”
I shake my head. “That’s just it, he wants me, but he wants me for who I was. He’s not interested in watching me grow into something more. He has no desire to get uncomfortable with me.”
“I get that, it can be a scary thing when you think someone you care about is outgrowing you,” he offers.
“Is that what happened to you? Someone outgrew you?” I ask, hoping to redirect the spotlight.
“No,” he says out of the corner of his mouth. “My mom.”
This was a stupid idea. What were we thinking? Let’s play a game. Please, there is nothing fun about this conversation. What am I supposed to say? I know his mom killed herself when he was little. Does he know that I know? He has to know that everyone who ever meets him knows. Is it like a badge he’s had to wear since that day?
“I—” I’ve got nothing.
He sucks in a breath and relief floods my body as he takes the pressure off me by continuing his story. “From what I’ve …” he’s choosing his words carefully, “gathered over the years, my mom outgrew my father. He was always interested in money and not much more. I think somewhere in her mind she thought after she had me, things would get better.” His voice trails off. The double doors that lead into the pool area open and a gaggle of teens stumble in, laughing loudly.
One shouts cannon ball before turning and with a running leap jumps into the deep end of the pool, his legs tucked tightly under him. We both squeeze our eyes shut to avoid the splashing water.
Aiden turns and looks at me. “Hungry?” he asks, successfully changing and rerouting the subject.
I nod, and we exit after securing our towels around our bodies. As we make our way back to our rooms to change, Aiden suggests we head out to sample the local street foods. I can’t imagine anything more fun and gladly agree. The story he began about his mother still lingering in my mind, but I decide to keep the thought distant. If and when Aiden wants to talk about his mom again, I’ll let him bring her up.
I’VE FOUND ENOUGH PROJECTS TO keep us busy for weeks. Kenzie doesn’t seem to suspect that it’s me seeking out the photography work, rather than the clients finding out I’m in town. Her naivety on the matter only draws my attention to her more. At first, I wanted to spend more time with her so I could figure out her flaws. Nobody is that kind and empathetic. At least, that’s what I thought, until now.
Our time together has only proven to me that Kenzie Crawford might be the real deal. She might be one of the last few decent people left on this godforsaken planet that is not a total and complete asshole. She makes me wish I wasn’t one.
I glance toward the door where I can hear scuffling on the other side. As I approach it, there’s a knock. “Aiden?”
I can’t help but smile when I hear her voice. Pulling open the door, I stare down at her. I like looking at her. It’s nice in these moments when it’s socially acceptable and not completely creepy. “Yeeesss?” I draw the word out.
“Now will you tell me where we’re going?” she pleads, pressing her hands together.
Waving a hand in her direction, I enjoy the idea of drawing out her suffering a little longer. “I said it was a surprise.”
I turn and walk back into my room, leaving the door open. She follows me. This is another thing I like that’s happened. She’s comfortable around me. So comfortable that she doesn’t give a second thought to enter my room. She feels safe with me. In the loneliness of the night, I do find myself wondering if comfort and safety are in fact a direct path to the friend zone, but then I remind myself that I’m her boss, and therefore I am perpetually stuck in the friend zone, so it doesn’t matter.
“This isn’t fair,” she grumbles, collapsing onto my bed, bouncing a couple of times as she does so. I focus on other things, scurrying over to some equipment I have lining the wall. I’ve thought about her in my bed, many times in fact. But that was again in the safety of my lonely hotel room, where Kenzie Crawford was nowhere near me at the time.
“I’m not sure who told you life is fair sweetheart, but you have got a rough road ahead of you,” I taunt. “Ahh, here it is,” I add, retrieving a camera body from one of the bags.
“Wait, I thought this was supposed to be a fun trip. Are we working?” she whines, hoping for a hint.
“I thought work was fun?” I toss back at her.
“It is—” she starts. “But I was thinking exotic festival, street fair, dancing.”
I laugh and raise an eyebrow, then reply, “Dancing?”
“Oh come on, with a body like that you have to be a good dancer.”
I flush red knowing she’s noticed my body as well.
“Where is that damn lens?” I mutter.
She huffs, sitting upright. “Which one are you hunting for?”
“The 70-300mm.” I answer sharply, frustrated the surprise is being ruined.
“You don’t use that one,” she corrects me then sighs, standing up and sorting through my open bags.
“I want that one,” I insist.
“Fine.” She moves a bag to one side, unzips another, and as if she knew exactly where it was all along, pulls it from its hiding spot. “Here you go.”
I sigh. “Damn it, are you serious?”
She shrugs. “What? I’m the one that cleans up after you, of course I know where everything is.”
Clicking the lens in place onto the Canon 7D camera body I look up at her. She’s watching me intensely now. “Here,” I say and immediately want to slap myself on the forehead.
She shakes her head, taking the camera from me, supporting it with both hands. “So we are working tonight?”
“Kenzie,” her name comes out as an exasperated sigh, and I wish I could eat it out of existence and try again. “It’s yours. I’m giving it to you.”
“What?” She questions before sarcasm taking over, “Yeah right, you’re just going to give me an expensive camera.”
I frown. “I am.”
Her mouth twists. “Why?”
I smile though I’m sure from her expression she can see I’m uncomfortable.
“Because I see something when I look at you,” I answer plainly.
“A booger hanging out of my nose? Because right now you must take me for a fool. Haha, so funny, you got me,” she quips, trying to shove the camera back in my direction.
I laugh, shaking my head. “I’m serious. You’re good. Really good. I wish it had come as naturally to me when I started as it seems to come to you.”
“Why would you do this?” She asks skeptically, now pulling the camera back into her chest.
“I want to help you matter.” The words eke out of my mouth in almost a whisper.
Her eyes glass over as she turns and places the camera on the bed. I stop breathing when she approaches me. My arms are hanging at my sides when she slams her head into my chest and forces her arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug. “That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me,” she says. I place my arms around her, and I can’t stop myself from thinking how right it feels. She pushes me back and scoops up the camera. Over her shoulder, I hear her say, “I should punch you for that.”
“Please don’t,” I laugh, sidestepping her.
Her face is red, and I can see she’s embarrassed. “Now where are we going?” She laughs through a snotty breath, and I can tell she’s trying not to cry.
“It’s a surprise!” I say again more forcefully.
I CAN’T QUIT STARING AT the camera bag between us. Hidden inside is my camera. Mine. Not just some lame ass camera I would have gone and picked up at my local Walmart. This is a serious photographer’s camera. A camera that requires those who see me with it to recognize I’m to be taken seriously. A camera that screams I’m one bad ass photographer and you’d best recognize that fact.
A voice in the back of my mind nags at me. It’s too much. I can’t accept such an extravagant gift. Is there a hidden meaning behind it? What if there is? What if I want there to be? The thoughts race through my mind, causing my heartbeat to pick up.
“You okay?” Aiden breaks the silence just as he hits a bump in the road and my butt leaves the seat, flying up into the air, thanks to the complete lack of shocks on the SUV. I lunge for the camera bag as if it were an infant about to be devoured by a crocodile. Glancing up at Aiden, I catch him smiling back at me.
“I don’t think I can accept this,” I manage at last.
“You don’t think you can or you can’t?” he attempts to clarify in sarcasm.
“I mean, don’t get me wrong, I want to. It’s amazing. But—” I pause, shaking my head, “—it’s too much.”
“It’s an extra camera, Kenzie. Stop making it such a big deal.”
“It is a big deal!” I exclaim. He has no idea how big a deal it is. “Then let me buy it from you.”
He laughs.
“Hey, why is that funny? I’m working.”
“But I pay you, so isn’t that kind of silly? It would be like me buying it off myself.”
“Screw you!” I huff. “I work hard for you. I earn the money you pay me.”
“I didn’t mean to say you didn’t,” he adds. “Please, will you let me do this for you?”
I shake my head, firm in my conviction. “How much would you sell it for?”
“This is silly,” he insists.
“How much?” I demand.
He sighs, obviously frustrated, “I don’t know, the entire set up, two grand.”
I pause, still processing the massive number. “Okay, that’s a little more than I expected. Can we do payments?”
“Kenzie, really?” Aiden chirps. “Will you please quit being so stubborn and just say thank you?”
“I’m not being stubborn,” I argue.
“Damn it woman, can we just enjoy tonight and talk about this later?”
“Did you just call me woman?” I ask, not hiding the disgust from my expression.
“Okay, upon reflection, that was a very poor choice of words.”
“Ya think?” I snarl.
“Please, I’m begging you. Let’s just have fun tonight. We can talk about all of this tomorrow.”
Fine.” I grimace, crossing my arms. “But I’m not going to forget this.” I look around, realizing we’re driving out toward the nature preserve the Bushmen live on. “Where exactly are we going again?”
“You can’t tell?”
“Well, either we’re going to visit Jumanda or the camera was just a ruse to get me to come out to the desert where you planned to kill me.”
“And we’re back to the stabby comments,” Aiden replies.
I nod.
“And here I thought I was the perceptive one,” he teases.
“It’s getting dark,” I advise him as if he weren’t already aware of this fact.
“I know you were hoping I was taking you out to chop you up, but I’m taking you out for some night shooting.”
“Shooting what? I mean, what is out at night in Africa? Pardon me if I think this sounds just a wee bit terrifying.” I realize I’m rambling.
He’s laughing now. I love the lines that gather around his eyes and mouth when he laughs. A thought pops into my mind, and I flush red. I wonder if those same lines appear when he has an orgasm. He’s your boss. I remind myself. I seem to be reminding myself of this fact a lot. A boss who believes in you so much he is trying to gift you a camera worth thousands of dollars. A boss that looks incredibly good in a towel.
“If we’re lucky, we can get some shots of a few leopards. But who knows, last time I was out here at night all I got were aardvarks and honey badgers,” Aiden answers.
I immediately start laughing.
“Did I say something funny?” he asks with a puzzled glance.
“Honey badgers don’t care,” I gasp.
He looks at me from the corner of his eye, then back at the road, as if I were a mad woman wearing my dress over my head. “So do you just sit around all day looking at internet memes.”
I purse my lips. “What does it say about you that you know exactly what I’m talking about?”
He shakes his head. “That my life is very, very sad indeed.”
“Don’t worry,” I chime in a gleeful tone, scooting a little closer and placing my hand on his arm for a brief moment. “We’ll have sad lives together.”
“Perfect.”
It is perfect. Too damn perfect. This is rebound brain Kenzie talking. He’s your boss and a friend. Don’t screw it up. Damn it, why do I want to screw it up so freaking bad?
“SHOULD WE HEAD BACK?” HE asks looking at me.
“Do we have to?” I ask, only half joking.
I catch a glimpse of his glare and something tells me he doesn’t want this night to end either. “I’m actually pretty tired. Would you be alright if we stay the night in the truck and then head back in the morning?”
“I’m game if you are,” I agree, worried I may have sounded too eager. As we make our way back to the truck, the excitement of the night causes a flutter in my stomach. Nobody has ever done something so thoughtful for me. Ben would remember anniversaries with flowers, and never forgot a birthday, but a gesture like tonight, it is enough to make me want to …
I’m not sure what it makes me want to do, but I am certain it would lead to a lot of complications. As we prepare the back of the truck to sleep, I start wondering if Aiden is feeling the same way as me. Is he curious what my lips might taste like? Is that why he suggested we stay in the bush?
“I need a potty break,” I confess sheepishly and smile.
“Oh,” he says. “Umm… do you need me to go with you?”
“I think I can handle it,” I reply and try not to laugh.
“Okay,” he shrugs, climbing into the back of the SUV and lying down. “If you want to stick close to the truck, I promise I won’t peek. Much.”
He flashes me a devilish grin and I am ove
rwhelmed with satisfaction at his flirtation.
“Yeah right,” I huff.
“Have it your way,” he rolls over onto his side. “But watch out for scorpions.”
I freeze, flipping the flashlight on my phone on and shining it frantically around my feet, nearly dropping my baggie holding wipes. “Not helping!” I exclaim. I can hear a low, growling laugh from inside the SUV.
As soon as I find a suitable location to relieve my bladder, then ensure it’s clear of small pinch and biting critters and actually pee, I finish then make my way back to the truck and my mind has thought of about a million scenarios of how tonight will go down.
Perhaps Aiden will be waiting for me naked. There would be no mistaking his intentions at that point. Maybe he will be subtler and try to kiss me or flirt with me more. What if he waits for me to make the first move? Could I? Would I?
Rounding the open hatch door of the SUV, I can’t help but smile when I catch a glimpse of Aiden inside, fast asleep. Sliding in and securing the rear door to the truck I settle in for the night, a smile permanently plastered on my face.
I’M ENTRANCED BY THE RISE and fall of her back as she sleeps. My eyes trace the line that travels down her waist and curves up into her full hip. She’s beautiful. I hold my breath as she shifts and turns over on her other side. She’s still asleep. I exhale, relieved. The tranquility on her face is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. The Amazon River at dawn, the Mamanuca Islands in Fiji at dusk, the coastline of Greece, they all pale in comparison to this creature in front of me.
With the memories of my mother long ago faded, I’m left with only a handful of pictures to remind me of her. She’s only smiling in one, but it’s how I like to remember her. It’s haunting how much Kenzie’s smile reminds me of hers. I can’t help wondering if it’s real, or simply the way the image captured Mom that day.
I lean back and close my eyes, but my heart starts to race. Kenzie reminding me of my mother isn’t what scares me. I’m terrified hiding deep in the recesses of my psyche there’s a monster lurking. I am my father’s son after all. Could I be like him? I’ve never been a good partner to anyone. Love has never made sense. I’ve seen the way it can twist and pervert people. I avoid looking in the mirror most days, but that doesn’t change the fact I see parts of him reflecting back at me when I do manage to catch a glimpse. Did he give me more than my strong jaw and nose shape? I have my mother’s eyes. At least there’s that. Is that all I have of her, though?
